Vicar went to hospital with potato stuck in bottom

[Beacool]

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.

31 Oct 2008

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in

Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3330057/Vicar-went-to-hospital-with-potato-stuck-in-bottom.html

[Catherine Vincent]

1. LMAO!

:rofl:

[LeftHander]

59. LMPO!

Laughing my potato out....!!!! LMPO!!

Future headlines....

He was drummed out of the clergy and started a crisps business....

Dirty Vicar's Ass Potatos

[loudsue]

92. Is that kinda like "Holy shit!!"

:rofl:

[4_TN_TITANS]

143. Duzy....

even more a duzy if that was the first thing out of his mouth after "falling"... :rofl:

[OneGrassRoot]

106. !!!!!

:rofl:

[Principal Vernon]

113. hahahaha

well played...

[Amy6627]

2. All conversations with a proctologist end with "It was a one in a million, Doc". - Kramer

[jaksavage]

3. Men without women

are foolish and dangerous.

[yellowcanine]

15. Anglican vicars can get married. Don't know if this one is or not. Sounds as if he may play on the

other side of the tracks, though.

[Bicoastal]

4. "The naked vicar insisted he was not playing a sex game with the potato."

That's a funny sentence. I don't care who you are.

[MiniMe]

8. But why was he hanging curtains in the nude?

Seems like it would be a bad thing to hang curtains when you don't have clothes on.

[yellowcanine]

17. Indeed. And over a pile of potatoes no less.

[yellowcanine]

20. Some days Letterman, Leno and SNL have it way too easy. The jokes on this just write themselves.

[surrealAmerican]

82. Surely "hanging curtains" is some sort of idiom.

[MiniMe]

87. ...

:spray: :rofl:

Or something.

[misanthrope]

135. Because sunlight will spoil the potatoes**nm

**

[HeeBGBz]

137. You know them taters got eyes

He was asking for it.

[Terran]

147. Well, this incident proves the truth of your statement.

Clearly, next time he'll know better.

[RedLetterRev]

150. Only slightly smarter than frying bacon nekkid n/t

[redqueen]

40. True.

:rofl:

[LiberalFighter]

47. Was it a male or female potato? What kind of potato? Was it peeled or unpeeled?

[Sabriel]

5. It was stuck in his Sanctum Santorum n/t

[Beacool]

16. But ..........I'm innocent, I tell you........innocent!!!!

[Hassin Bin Sober]

70. Not with that leather hat and mustache you ain't.

[Beacool]

83. Wellllll.............

:eyes:




:evilgrin:

[RedLetterRev]

153. I could sooooooooo tell stories

:rofl:

[Sebastian Doyle]

6. "Million to one shot, doc......."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eghL7ORV1lg

[Dennis Donovan]

7. He fell backwards, and the potato went INTO his rectum?

It didn't smash?

'o in the bloody 'ell does 'e think 'e's kidding?:eyes:

[yellowcanine]

24. Well you don't think he got it to do that the FIRST time do you?

After several tries, though and positioning the potato just so, though, I can see it happening. Of course the $64,0000 question is, "Was vegetable oil involved?"

[Beacool]

31. Nope

Otherwise, it would have been........drum roll, please........french fried potatoes.

:rofl:

[mcg]

97. The potato just happened to be standing on end,

he happened to have a wide stance while hanging the curtains in the nude, it was a very hard potato, and it happened to have oil on it. He was going to cook it you see. That's the story and I'm sticking to it.

[LeftishBrit]

9. I've heard that quite a few people end up in Casualty with odd objects up their rear ends!

And they always say that they fell when doing some household task naked! There must be a lot of people who run round the house and stand on chairs, etc. in the altogether.

[eowyn_of_rohan]

10. I know a nurse who witnessed the removal of...

a sprouted sweet potato growing from a woman's vagina

:wow:

[XemaSab]

73. I heard that Eastern European women used potatoes for their menses

and yeah, I heard the same story. :o

[eowyn_of_rohan]

78. ewwwwwwww!

That's a new one to me, and I don't even want to imagine...

[Beacool]

85. Hey, as long as they don't later feed them to their family.

Different strokes.........

:silly:

[onlyadream]

141. What?

How on earth does a potato help with menses?

edited to correct the spelling of "potato" - don't want to pull a Quayle out of MY butt.

[InternalDialogue]

11. Thank god he didn't fall onto the watermelon next to it.

[yellowcanine]

44. or the gerbil cage.

[MadinMo]

63. I was thinkin' gerbils too. Agh!

I thought MrMadinMo's brother made that story up!

[Warpy]

12. There's more than one website out there

with lists of items ER docs have had to extract from the (mostly) male rectum.

Light bulbs are the worst. Do not put a light bulb up there, no matter how kinky you're feeling. They're difficult to grasp and prone to shatter and you really, really don't want a colostomy.

People in Sheffield will know which vicar it is by his red face and difficulty sitting down.

[slackmaster]

18. The Concrete Enema is a classic

http://www.well.com/~cynsa/cement.html

[Beacool]

27. Unbelievable!!!

:wow:

[yellowcanine]

35. "The attending physician recommended a psychiatric consultation, but the patient declined."

"Who does that doctor think he is, suggesting I see a psychiatrist just because I poured cement into my butt?"

[crispini]

72. "A layer of concrete was chipped off the upper part of the specimen and revealed a white plastic

ping pong ball"

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[slackmaster]

91. Better that than rebar

I guess.

[mcg]

99. Live artillery shell

Did they call the bomb squad?

http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newpiles.html

[BreweryYardRat]

103. Holy shit.

Um, OW!

[racaulk]

118. Yikes!

Ouch!!! x(

[brendan120678]

13. But why is this man smiling...?

[qb]

14. These poor people. If they would only invest in the proper toys...

and learn a little bit about their own anatomy... they could have all of the enjoyment with none of the embarrassment.

[Beacool]

22. Exactly!!

The proper toys are a girl's best friend..........and good for for horny vicars too.

:evilgrin:

[SmileyRose]

105. Unfortunately some places make the sale of proper toys a felony.

[DJ13]

19. A can of deodorant?!

:wow:

[Tansy_Gold]

55. True story

I was a sophomore in college, University of Illinois, 1967. My roommate was a repressed young woman, sophomore like me but a year younger because her ambitious parents had forced her to graduate high school in three years. The kid was socially a mess. Academically quite brilliant, but otherwise really awkward, naive, and woefully ignorant of the real world. Her parents were traditional Jews, and she was a late-in-life daughter after they had raised three much older sons.

I had a steady boyfriend with whom I occasionally -- okay, frequently -- spent the night. I was known on our dorm floor as the person to go to with questions about sexuality, contraception, etc.

Halfway through the semester, my roommate, whom I shall refer to as HS, became obsessed with losing her virginity. She dated a series of losers -- guys I happened to know (and not in the biblical sense) who were just icky, but hadn't found one she wanted to share that special experience with. Every Friday and Saturday and Sunday night, HS would come back to our dorm room and whine about what losers these guys were and how desperately she wanted to do "it."

I spent more and more and more week-end nights with the BF rather than listen to HS whine.

Finally, one Friday night I decided to stay in the dorm and actually do some studying. HS was out with her latest "find," a blond, blue-eyed scandahoovian named Eric. She had been out with him a couple times, but he had a "real" girl-friend and so would only go out with HS on Friday nights, reserving Saturday for the "real" girl-friend. HS was despondent, but quite certain she could win Eric's Aryan heart, not to mention his, well, you know.

At any rate, 11:00 came and went without HS returning from her date that Friday. Then 12:00. Then 1:00 a.m. Figuring HS had either finally managed to stay out all night with Eric or was visiting with one of her friends in another room in the dorm, I shut my books and crawled into bed. A few minutes later, the door slowly opened and HS tiptoed in.

She discreetly undressed in the closet (as was her wont) and without turning on any lights, got into her bed on the other side of the room from mine. I could tell she was lying there just bursting to tell me. .... something. . ..so I made enough noise to let her know I was still awake.

HS: Tansy? Are you still awake?
TG: Yeah, barely.

HS: Can I ask you a question?
TG: Yeah. Not sure I'll have an answer, but go ahead.

(Questions related to sex, sexuality, birth control, etc., generally started out this way, so I immediately got into the proper frame of mind. I knew she wasn't going to come right out and tell me "ERIC AND I FINALLY HAD SEX TONIGHT" but I knew that was the, uh, thrust of her conversation.)

HS: Okay. How effective is douching for birth control?
TG: Well, not very. In fact it can be counterproductive, if you know what I mean.

HS: Oh. (I hear a discouraged and possibly frightened little sigh in the dark.)
TG: However, it depends on what you use.

(Now there's a longer silence. I begin thinking of all the bizarre stories I've heard around campus relative to her situation: the old-fashioned glass 7-Up bottle shaken to the point almost of explosion, baking soda and water, traditional vinegar. I suspected if HS was to use anything, it would be the 7-Up.)

HS: Are some things more effective than others?
TG: Well, yeah. I mean, you don't want to just give those little sperm a jet-assisted boost to where they wanta go anyway.

(No laughter in response, and then finally, in a very tiny voice. . . . )

HS: Well, what if you used rubbing alcohol?
TG: (trying not to gasp aloud) Well, that might sting a bit.









I kid you not.

[Chulanowa]

114. It's a good way to experience synaethesia

As the pain nerves suddenly flash to levels you've never experienced before, your brain essentially starts misfiring from the overload and suddenly you know what the texture of twill tastes like.

And then you probbly pass out.

Got some on the boys a few months ago while cleaning a cut on my thigh. This was my experience. Blinding agony is a mild term. I imagine it WOULD kill sperm cells... But it'd probably hurt less to use a propane torch.

[knitter4democracy]

122. *gasp* Oh, how awful!!

I was that person in our dorm, too, but I usually got the menses questions instead. I can't tell you how many times I had to explain that women have cycles that follow a set pattern. *sigh*

[Historic NY]

21. Was he making himself a potato cannon? Or playing hide the potato.

[yellowcanine]

26. Heh. Human compressed air spud gun.

[derby378]

23. Q: "WHY is there a carnation stuck up there?"

A: "Read the card! Read the card!"

:rofl:

[LiberalEsto]

25. As long as it wasn't a bloody Papist

Irish Potato

:evilgrin:

[Arkansas Granny]

28. You know, don't you, what we're all going to think about the next time potatoes are on the menu?

Damn you, Beacool.

[Beacool]

37. I'll never look at another baked potato the same way.

Sorry.......

}(

[Warren DeMontague]

29. It could happen.

No, really.

:rofl:

[hootinholler]

30. Hmmm, we found something that 'this too shall pass' does not apply to. n/t

[Happyhippychick]

32. We women have things fall into our vaginas all the time. Such is the life of an orifice.

[Beacool]

39. Yeah, but they are usually attached to a pair of nuts

and a hairy ape like creature.

:eyes:

[Gin]

58. good thing he didn't land on a utensil...he might have gotten forked

[Beacool]

64. Oooouuuccchhh!!!!!!!!!!!

:hurts:

[DU GrovelBot]

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[yodermon]

112. hmmm...c'mere grovelbot

[wroberts189]

34. religous fruitcakes are the most perverted n/t

[SidDithers]

36. Sounds like "Fusilli Jerry"...

Sid

[madmom]

38. So if he was hanging curtains and was nude, it begs another question, was he flashing passers by?

[Sal Minella]

50. No, silly, he was hanging curtains because he wanted to play sex games with the potato and didn't

want anybody to see!

[madmom]

124. OH, ok I think I understand now! : )

[yellowcanine]

41. Couldn't he just have given himself a veggie oil enema and that sucker would have shot right out of

there?

[Buns_of_Fire]

42. I hate it when that happens. n/t

[BurtWorm]

43. That's why I only keep french fries in the bathroom.

:patriot:

[acmavm]

45. I think this is hilarious but I wonder, isn't medical info supposed

to be private?

[guitar man]

48. not sure what the privacy laws

are in the UK, but I imagine a Vicar with a spud in his bum was just too juicy of a story not to leak! :D

[Arugula Latte]

67. That's a good DU name -- "Spud Bum"

Feel free to take it, newbies! :hi:

[guitar man]

46. "But our staff deal with them in a discreet,

professional and kind way."

so much for the "discreet" part! :rofl:

[Gwendolyn]

49. It's funny...but isn't one's medical info private and confidential?

It's kind of scary that this leaked to the public.

[guitar man]

74. it is in the US

And I imagine it is in the UK too. But with a story this fantastic it was probably a forgone conclusion that someone was going to leak it. If the vicar had just said "look, I was just 'aving a wank with a potato up me bum, 'ere's a few quid to keep the 'ole thing quiet" I don't imagine we would have ever heard of it. But, when you add in the naked curtain hanging part, it's just too good not to leak out! :rofl:

[yellowcanine]

51. I am surprised he didn't use the "two dudes" defense. As in, " I was sitting on the stoop minding

my own business and these two dudes grabbed me and shoved a potato up my ass."

I am told that ER staff hear the "two dudes" explanation all of the time.

[XemaSab]

76. Wouldn't it be "two blokes" there?

:P

[yellowcanine]

79. No doubt.

[npincus]

52. no frickin' way!!!! Although...

a former friend's sister was an emrgency room nurse in NYC and told her lots of stories about folks coming in with all sorts of unnatural objects lodged in their anuses/ large intestines...

[TNOE]

53. The Cartman Excuse

Guess he watches South Park.

[Vickers]

54. Was it one of those small red potatoes?

I mean, I think we've *all* had one of the small red potatoes get accidentally lodged "up there" but one of the big Idaho ones? No way!

[Beacool]

68. What's this "we" kimosabe?

I've never had any kind of spud stuck in my backside. There were attempts.......ahem..... by certain fellows to stick other things in there, but NEVER a potato.

:eyes:

[LeftHander]

56. Note to self: pass on the au gratin potatos......nt

[8 track mind]

89. ...

you are soooooo bad...........

[CTyankee]

57. The Rector and his Rectum

n/t

[kenny blankenship]

129. There was an accident in the Rectory

Bit of a slip up.

[conscious evolution]

60. Vicar or dickta..

Bah.I got nothing.

[nichomachus]

61. I know what I would be putting in the collection basket next Sunday

[armed_and_liberal]

62. it was actually John McCain

<>

[Bobbie Jo]

65. Naked curtain hanging?

LOL...No matter how he explained his "condition," he can't escape the freak factor. :rofl:

[TexasObserver]

66. Now there's a Canterbury Tail Chaucer should have written about.

[Arugula Latte]

69. As the Freeps would say, now his heinie is "in taters"!

[earth mom]

71. Sounds like the Appalachian Emergency Room skit on SNL.

:rofl:

[SoCalDem]

75. Thank goodness it was not a cactus

[yellowcanine]

81. Or a hedge hog.

[Mrs. Overall]

77. A friend who is a nurse tells a similar tale of a man picking zucchini naked in his garden--

He "slipped and fell" and the zucchini ended up you know where....

[yellowcanine]

80. At least zucchini has smooth skin. Now a spiny cucumber - OW!

[Chulanowa]

116. That's why guys should never garden naked

All sorts of fruits, vegetables, and legumes practically leap on in there. If you have a mole problem in your yard, then you've got REAL trouble.

Remember men, always ZIP your gimp suit before checking the tamaters!

[KathieG]

84. Picture of the potato...

?v=0

:rofl:

[Beacool]

86. So, it was a red skin potato after all!!!!!!!

Someone had asked that on a previous post.

:7

[Beregond2]

88. I hate when that happens.

[d_b]

90. lol what a clown

a victim of the mark foley world tour.

[notadmblnd]

93. Kinda makes Eminem's little gerbil song seem kinda tame.

No, shit! He tells this story about a gerbil and an empty paper towel roll and I think it's really out there, but clergy using a potato? All I can say is :rofl:

[judasdisney]

95. Rap music is destroying our morality

Ahem.

[Trajan]

94. LMFAO to 'Holy Shit'

Ok ... ya got me .....

But Im easy ....

[The Backlash Cometh]

96. Okay, I see the picture of the clergyman's butt, but where is the potato?

[Solly Mack]

98. The Vicar by Ronco...it slices, it dices...scalpel sold separately. May require disassembly

[PfcHammer]

100. I can haz cheezeburger and

butt friez? :rofl:

[struggle4progress]

101. It's The Telegraph: inclined to sensationalism and often not very accurate

[zehnkatzen]

102. What's Wrong With That ...

... because, as per the text:

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked

I should hope so!

I never dress any of my vegetables!

[RedLetterRev]

151. Not even ranch or blew cheez?

[MindPilot]

104. I see Mr Slackmaster has been playing with his potato...

...gun!

[OneGrassRoot]

107. I must say, I have never heard of most of the stuff....

discussed in this thread before.

And I'm only halfway through!!!!!

:wow:

[AntiFascist]

123. He could always try stringing several potatoes together....

Benoit Potatoes

[OneGrassRoot]

134. But, please, in the name of all that's holy.....

may he use little new potatoes!!!

Benoit balls. I don't think I've heard that term for 20 years...never knew how it was spelled. Thanks for the new word of the day! :)

[AntiFascist]

144. anytime...

:rofl:

:hide:

[MiniMe]

108. Mr. Potato Butt - a new toy by Mattel

[S n o w b a l l]

109. uh huh...right

Now maybe if it was goatsee I could believe it.

[fascisthunter]

110. Next Week it will be a Pineapple

[Fire Walk With Me]

111. Isn't this what "Extreme Unction" means?

It's what it sounds like.

[ddeclue]

115. It's one in a million doc!

The Fusilli Jerry,
Seinfeld

:rofl:

[Dukkha]

117. a bold answer to the question 'you want fries with that shake?'

someone get to the bottom of this!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

119. Sounds like he needed the Baby Jesus Buttplug

Which Lynnesin owes me.

[NWPatriot]

120. "Hanging curtains"???

"...said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game."

Uh, yeah. Believe? If so...bridge...in Brooklyn...for sale.

("Rectum?...damn near KILLED him!")

[AntiFascist]

121. Next time he'll know to use a carrot. n/t

[Richard Steele]

125. Oh, where's that heroin-crazed Rodney Allen Rippey when ya really need him, eh Vic? nm

[dorkulon]

126. Sure, happens all the time.

Just the other day I slipped on a rug and a yam went up my butt.

:shrug:

[kenny blankenship]

127. You all can smirk, but the Vicar is on safe doctrinal grounds...

Despite having the gift of Divine inspiration the Old Testament prophets and lawgivers said nothing NOTHING WHATSOEVER against having carnal relations with a potato, or any other fruit or vegetable from the New World.

At least it wasn't a man!

[Beacool]

131. Or an altar boy..................

:eyes:

[illuminaughty]

128. Yea, but was it a commentator? Sorry, old joke. n/t

[RedLetterRev]

152. Only sinful if it was a dictator

:rofl:

[salguine]

130. Yeah, anytime I've hung curtains I've always gotten undressed first.

[nadinbrzezinski]

132. Damn... don't get me started on some of the things I've seen

...

That said, this one is funny

[Quantess]

133. I read a fascinating article about embarrassing trips to the ER based on anal insertions.

One guy thought it would be interesting to pour wet cement into his partner's anus.
Things got interesting when the cement hardened and would not come out. Surgery was required.

[OneBlueSky]

136. didn't his mama ever teach him not to play with his food? . . .

millions starving in China, and he's wasting a perfectly good potato . . .

or maybe it was, in Dan Quayle speak, "potatoes" . . .

[and-justice-for-all]

138. The potato lived, So what happened to the carrot ?? nt

[SalmonChantedEvening]

139. Just meetin' potatoes is all.

:smoke:

[carlyhippy]

140. hmmm, let's analyze this....

this is a vicar....who....

hangs curtains in the nude....there are usually outside windows on the other side of the curtains, is he exposing himself to the people outside of these windows while he is hanging these curtains?...scandalous

I guess he could say he was hanging up a shower curtain, but usually raw potatoes are not regularly found in a typical bathroom.

Playing with his food and just happened to get a potato stuck...scandalous....

dude, just admit you are flaky and get over it.

[marshall]

142. A nurse friend of mine had a similar case involving a mayonnaise jar

I didn't ask her what size jar.

[Bombero1956]

145. we transported a guy with a lightbulb up his arse

he claimed to be practicing to be a lampshade.

[TexasObserver]

146. It is funny, but it's also evidence of the role religious shame over gender identity plays.

This guy could have bought a perfectly good dildo, but his role and teachings make him hide his desires and use things found in the produce section of his grocery store.

Or, he could have had a relationship with a man of his choosing.

God only knows what it takes for a man to shove a potato up his ass, but religious based shame appears to be the culprit here.

[MsTryska]

154. I agree....there's needs to be some sort of repressed

anal enthusiasts outreach program.

Even if buying a dildo was too much for him to handle, if he had the proper anal health education, he could have at least gotten out the paring knife and fashioned himself a butt plug with a little handle so it didn't get lost.

Silly Vicar.

[mhatrw]

148. Spudtacular! n/t

[EmeraldCityGrl]

149. Ouch!