An open letter to everyone on DU from a relative newbie.

[ShenandoahAspen]

Friends at DU,
I've been registered here since August and lurked here for months before that. I donated to DU almost immediately upon registering. I still don't have many posts between August and now but I've read a lot and consider y'all like a family to me. What I have to say now comes straight from my heart and I hope there are some out there who have gone through what I'm going through right now.
I'm female, 27 years old. I was raised a Southern Baptist. I attended a Southern Baptist church and just about everyone in my family -- both sides -- are Southern Baptist. Growing up, I always thought there was something different about me; just never knew what. As I grew older, I realized -- I was starting to find myself attracted to females as well as males. I've been questioning myself for years, especially living in the Bible Belt where my county voted almost 70% for McCain(although my state, NC, went narrowly for Obama, yay!) but after reading all the threads about the passing of Prop. 8, I feel like the words have been taken out of my own mouth. I feel like it is taking away MY rights, even though I live nowhere remotely near CA. I'm just now admitting it to myself, but I'm bisexual.
I guess you could say this is my coming out thread -- I've haven't told anyone else this. My question is, where do I go from here? I know being GLBT isn't wrong, but my family doesn't. Most of them are bigots. I still live with my rather conservative(although Obama voting) mother -- but I have a full-time job and I'm hoping to move out on my own soon -- hopefully next year when I get my tax refund in. I'm afraid she would kick me out if she knew I was bisexual. :( I also have Asperger's, and have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, so she already thinks I'm a pretty messed up person. Sorry for the long post and hope what I said makes sense -- I am just looking for any advice! Thanks in advance to you all!

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. All I can offer you is a *hug* :^( I don't have much wisdom on

coming out or moving out. (I married my husband straight out of college, so no practical advice to share on trying to make it on your own.)

But I do want to say that I think you are very brave and that I hope you can find a way to empower yourself and live in a home that is emotionally comfortable for you! :hug:

[ShenandoahAspen]

9. thanks!

:hug: It is hard -- very hard -- but I'm hoping once I get my own place I can sit my mother down and tell her everything.
BTW, I may have to check out the link in your sig. I think I would feel very at home there!

[TexasObserver]

2. Thank you for your post. It reveals an ugly truth.

Why is God's name must every person in America whose orientation is GLB or T go through the agony you have described? Why must you worry about this, and how it will impact your life? Why must you be forced to hide any aspect of your orientation? Why can you not hold hands in the local park at midday, like straight couples, without facing derision or worse?

The anti gay theme in religion is one of the ugliest parts of religion.

[ShenandoahAspen]

5. It's why I consider myself Christian, but not religious.

I still occasionally attend a church, it's a bit more open than the church I was raised in although I doubt open enough to include anyone openly GLBT. This is what I hate about religion -- didn't Jesus teach us to love EVERYONE?? Why don't more so-called "Christians" follow Jesus' teachings? It makes me sick. :grr: I know God accepts me for who I am, so why can't my fellow Christians?

[TexasObserver]

10. my sister and her long time partner are very active in their church

But you won't find such churches anywhere in Texas there isn't a university nearby.

[Frances]

3. I don't have any advice

but I hope that things work out for you.

[metapunditedgy]

4. I grew up in a religiously conservative environment and it was hard to

move on. One day I realized that everyone around me was building a wall between themselves and the real people who live in the real world, and I didn't want to do that. As I left, I made sure to treat people well, but I had to trust my own instincts and get to a place that was comfortable for me so I could sort things out.

I know people who burned a lot of bridges when they "moved on." Other people left one entangling environment just to fall into another. Personally, I'm glad for the relationships I was able to maintain. But trusting my instincts and finding a "safe place" to get my thoughts together was really essential.

I hope and pray that your journey goes well.

[magellan]

6. Welcome, ShenandoahAspen!

You may already know about it, but check out the GLBT forum for support and advice.

My sister and my best friend are both lesbians. One's out, the other isn't (except to me). One of the things I've learned from them is it can be very difficult either way -- they've both said to me at one time or another, "Who would choose this?" -- but perhaps the biggest hurdle is learning "to thine own self be true". I fully support them both and the GLBT community in general.

Pleased to make your acquaintance. Hope you learn and laugh here! :hi:

[liberalmuse]

7. There are many in the GLBT forums...

who know exactly what you are going through, and would be able to give you advice, or share their experiences.

I really don't get it. I was watching some blonde wasp on the tv tonight putting down the GLBT community for taking to the street and the courts for their basic human right to marry. 'The people have spoken'. I'm sure a lot of people would like to bring back Jim Crow, but that would never make it right. I could not understand WTF it was to her, and why she felt the need to be a part of this crusade.

The thing is, anytime one group of human beings has their rights taken away, it affects us all. You don't have to be gay or bi to feel it. Just a human being with a little bit of empathy.

I can't see any court throwing the lawsuits out. I don't know how any fair judge could allow some gay marriages to stand while prohibiting others.

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

8. I believe it is highly toxic to one's spirit over time to live and/or act out a...

...a pretense, a lie, for whatever reason no matter how well intentioned, and I hope you will choose not to do this.

That being said, I know circumstances can be very complicated and difficult -- whatever course you choose I wish you well.

And welcome to DU. :hi:

[Veritas_et_Aequitas]

11. Thanks for sharing that.

My brother had a hard time when he came out to the family. From our conversations, I learned that the hardest part was feeling like he was alone. He eventually got over his feelings of isolation by building a support network: friends and more tolerant members of the family (one of our cousins and me). In time he was able to become more comfortable with who he is as a person. Today he's pretty much at peace with his sexuality; he just moved in with his boyfriend of two years in South Boston. As for how the rest of the family took it, it went over surprisingly well. When my brother was a teenager, our father would spend a good amount of times cursing out gays and said more than once that he'd kill either of us if we turned out to be homosexual. He wound up being the most supportive of my brother out of all of us. I know each family situation is different, but maybe that will give you a little encouragement.

[Breeze54]

12. You just go ahead and believe in you !!

:hug:

---------

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.



If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.



Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.



Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.



Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.



Strive to be happy.




--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

[Political Tiger]

13. I came out at age 29

I kept my homosexuality all bottled up for almost 30 years. The hardest part was admitting it to myself...although deep inside I always knew I was gay, I just couldn't bring myself to admit it to myself. I was in deep denial. I told myself I'm not like "them." I don't want to dress like a woman, I'm not effeminate, I'm not interested in little boys....I was brainwashed by all the gay stereotyping propaganda there is. So I drank, and I drank a lot. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was drinking so I didn't have to deal with my feelings.

Anyway, one day I knew I had to do something about my drinking so I checked myself into rehab, never imagining I would come out clean and sober AND gay! Through treatment I learned it was okay to be who I was and after some coaxing I finally was able to admit to myself I was gay. I had never felt freer in my life!

But then came the part of having to tell friends and family, and I imagined the worse. Although I didn't come from a particularly religious family, the words "faggot" and "queer" were used regularly in my family to describe gay people. Same with my friends. I feared if I told them I was gay they would turn their backs on me, but I knew if I was going to remain free and true to myself I had to tell them.

I told my friends first, and to my delight they all accepted me! Most were actually nonchalant about it! All my fears turned out to be unfounded.

I put off telling my family mostly because I was concerned they would be ashamed of me. My mother actually confronted me about it one night! My father was dying and all the family had gathered together to say goodbye. By this time I was in a relationship although nobody in my family knew anything about it.

One day, at the hospital my two brothers were making some rather nasty homophobic remarks. I didn't say anything but I guess it showed that it bothered me, so my mother pulled me aside and just came out and asked if I was gay! I was stunned but I told her yes I was. She gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. She told me the only thing that matters to her is that I am happy and that she loves me and always will. She told me she and my father always suspected it but weren't sure, and she told me that if my father could speak he would have reacted the same way she did...with love.

Then I told the rest of the family, and they were all accepting. They told me it was my life and gay or not, I was still part of the family and it doesn't change anything.

So, and I am sorry about the long story, what I learned was that my fears about how others would react were unfounded, that it was all in my head. I realized that if people really love and care about you, they won't turn away from you just because you are different.

Of course, every family is different, but you may find out like I did that the fear you have about telling them is unfounded. When I've talked to other gay people about their coming out experience, most had the same fears I had and most found out that those fears were unfounded.

My advice would be that you should be true to yourself, and not worry about what others are going to think. I wish I could guarantee that if you tell you family they will be as accepting as mine was, but I can't, but if they really love you chances are good that they will. And if they don't come around right away, give them time.

Well, I hope this helps you some, and again, I apologize about going on and on about it, and good luck in your journey!

[defendandprotect]

14. Find an ally in some counseling relationship or gay/lesbian group --

look on line --

Bisexuality is religion's most dangerous secret --

Every one had to be converted/brainwashed/threatened into heterosexuality ...

procreation depended upon it ...

Also do plenty of friendly reading st library or internet --

Take pride in who you are -- and try to move away from those who try to harm you...

good luck!

[Truth2Tell]

15. Auto Rec for a coming out thread.

:)

And welcome to DU!

[file83]

16. While there is no time like the present, only you can judge your circumstances

to determine if now is the right time to come out to your mom. It's easy for anyone to tell you that you shouldn't live in fear of being honest, but it isn't us who would have to deal with finding a place to live if she did kick you out.

That being said, just make sure that you do eventually tell. You can't keep it a secret from everyone you love for ever.

[kentuck]

17. What a courageous and heartfelt post.

Thank you.

[Chovexani]

18. Hon, I'm the same age as you, and also bi

Though I came out in high school. First off I just want to commend you for having the courage to come out like this. I know very well how hard it can be to even admit it to yourself, growing up in that kind of environment. :hug:

I can't tell you whether or not to come out to your family, because only you can judge your situation. My advice to you, though, if you do want to come out to your mom, is to wait until you've moved out on your own and have established yourself a bit. If the worst does happen and your mom flips out, at least you'll still be able to support yourself.

I'll be honest with you, I'm still not out to my mom or most of my family. She's one of those religious folks that tolerates LGBT people in theory because "it's between them and God", but because she thinks it's a sin we don't deserve any rights. She's also the sort to be a little more tolerant of stuff when it's not her kids involved. I also deeply relate to what you said about being depressed, having anxiety and being afraid to compound your "fuckedupedness" in her eyes--I struggle with the same issues, other than the Aspieness, and to this day my mom has no idea why I really dropped out of high school, she thinks I was just lazy and gave up, when it was really due to getting dyke bashed all the time.

Honestly, the very best thing you can do is get a support system for yourself outside of your family. How do you think your friends would react? Is there anyone else in your life that you think would be supportive? Living in the Bible Belt and being queer can be rough but there are always oases of sanity to be found.

If you ever want to talk, just PM me. :hug:

[marew]

19. Dear One, you are welcome and loved and accepted here!

We care, we really do. It sounds like you are dealing with several issues. That has to be very difficult. You are a valuable and worthwhile person. It would be great if you could move out on your own. Have you ever seen a counselor? We all need help sometimes. And the first counselor or two you meet might not be the one for you so try to find someone you are comfortable with. I have some wonderful neighbors next door, a gay couple. They attend a very open church that accepts everyone. Even my straight partner and I are considering going to that church since that is what we believe in also. Maybe you can find something like that. Is there a hotline, national or local, you can call? Maybe they can give you some resources. Most of all you have to believe in yourself, that you are just fine just like you are. Best wishes always. :hug:

[WildEyedLiberal]

20. You're not alone!

I know it seems like you're really isolated where you're at, but there are a lot of people who share your experiences. Let DU be your lifeline, if you need it to - it can be a godsend to talk to like-minded people. Hang in there!

[Two Americas]

21. welcome

:hug:

[northofdenali]

22. Hugs - along with hope and support.

You are intelligent, inspired and able to see into yourself. I think you'll be fine.

We all have burdens - some because of sexual orientation, some because of race, some because of mental or physical illness, some for other reasons.

But I've never met a more supportive community than DU. If I could gather up every member and concentrate us all in one area, I'd be the happiest person alive - despite my burdens.

So here's another :hug::grouphug::hug: along with my best wishes and my welcome to the finest planetary community you'll ever find!

[tbyg52]

23. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I have lots of good wishes.

:hug: :hi:

[ShenandoahAspen]

24. Thanks everyone for your encouragment and advice.

It really means a lot to me right now :grouphug: I'm going to repost this in the GLBT forum also. This is why I love DU so much and why I plan on posting here a lot more! Such great people!