A Dick Cheney Christmas Carol: "Howdy Dick. Good to see ya again"

[kpete]

Howdy Dick. Good to see ya again.
12/21/07 Posted By Cheney

Dear Diary,

After the last of the spiked eggnog was guzzled, after the last sloppy smooch under the mistletoe had been delivered, I went to sleep with thoughts of candy canes and anthrax attacks dancing inside my head. No sooner had my head hit the pillow when I was awoken by a chilling wind that swept through my bedroom. I looked up and saw an eerie blue light shimmering at the foot of my bed. I pressed the panic button, but the usual floodlights and sirens didn’t go off. Something was wrong. I thought about waking the Ol’ Ball and Chain, but she’d taken her usual fistful of Zanex before bedtime and could sleep through anything.

The light began to speak with a Texas drawl. “Howdy Dick. Good to see ya again.” The voice sounded familiar but I said nothing. The shimmering light disappeared and out of the darkness strode my old buddy Ken Lay. I grabbed the loaded glock I keep under my pillow and fired three shots but the bullets went right thru him. “Kenny Boy. What are you doing here?” I said. “Don’t you know you need level five security clearance to get in this room?” “Fer cryin’ out loud, gimmie a break, will you?” he whined. “I’m dead.”

“What do you want with me? Didn’t I give you enough government handouts when we drew up the energy budget? You need some more?” Ken sighed. “Here I am, a friggin’ ghost, and all you can talk about is business. Jesus, aren’t you a little curious about what I’ve been up to?” I felt a fleeting flush of embarrassment so I played along with him. “Sorry. So, what’s new? How’s the afterlife?”

“It sucks.” He replied. “People all drive Priuses and electric cars. I’m stuck on a commune with a bunch of vegans growing soybeans. Soybean soup, soybean pizza. Haven’t had anything that looks like meat since I got there. They actually make me hug a tree for an hour each day. I feel like an idiot. Every night I have to go to the same concert where Woody Guthrie sings the same boring union songs. The only radio is NPR and the biodegradable toilet paper is givin’ me a rash!”

“Sounds like hell.”
more, and very funny at:
http://www.vicepresidents.com/node/472

...............

Feeling invigorated with the Christmas spirit, I got on the secure phone, made some quick calls and pardoned everyone on my staff, the cabinet and even Little Alberto. But not Harriet Meiers. Screw her. Then I leaned back and laughed. A nice hearty laugh. I guess this year WILL be the best Christmas ever.

Dick