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...that's the upside of the species and the technology.
You've had much good and encouraging advice. Here's a comment from me.
My mother divorced. Twice. The first one was way, way, back when 'respectable' women didn't get divorces-- it was neither an easy decision nor an easy thing to accomplish legally, back then. Especially since she was far in advance of the time when the law recognized reasons for divorce other than heinous crime/wrongdoing on the part of one of the parties. Back then, it was always the woman who got nasty assumptions made about her, UNLESS she went into a court and dragged her spouse through all kinds of mud, proving abuse, persistent/repeated/flagrant adultery, etc. My mother wasn't willing to do that, so the first divorce, from my father, was in slow motion, as it were... a long, drawn out, uncomfortable process for all concerned that left her (and sometimes us) enduring a lot of sideways looks from "respectable" people.
I was quite young. It was very difficult for me. I 'lost' my father then-- and some years later I lost him for good when he died.
She remarried a few years later to a very dear man who was a loving stepfather to me. Then, when I was an adolescent, she divorced HIM. My real father had died just a couple of years before, so I lost two fathers in a row, as it were.
But here's a big part of what I think made it possible for me to grow up reasonably stable and happy and successful (and I am INCREDIBLY successful-- not in money, but in happiness): Both divorces were extremely civilized, and the parents worked out excellent arrangements about where the kids spent time, etc. I never felt that either parent was trying to undermine or gang up on the other, and none of them ever expressed anything negative (to me) about each other. It was always just "Sometimes relationships stop working, and it's nobody's fault. We just had to admit that happened, and try something else."
Of COURSE I worried that it had something to do with me, and of course I kept quiet about it and stewed and had a difficult adolescence, etc. But there was always a bedrock of love and care underneath that kept me going.
I realized later, as an adult, that my father had had some issues about money and that the divorce had a major impact on him-- he took a big financial hit, gave up a lot, and it took a long time to get it back. He wasn't able to make child support payments sometimes, but my mother never made an issue of it as long as he did his share of visiting us, taking us to see the grandparents, etc., even though she was sometimes the sole support for three kids on a receptionist's income (which was pretty much a pittance back then.) They worked things out. It was hard on both of them, financially, in different ways. My mother hated having to accept help from her better-off siblings and their families. My father hated us knowing he lived in a SRO hotel. I think they did argue some but it never spilled over to us and they never let us see them in conflict with each other. They never ran each other down to us or in front of us, and never let others do so.
That was a truly priceless gift to us. Of course, back then there was a lot more cultural pressure to suck up negative feelings and pretend everything was fine; this was before "do your own thing" and "self-expression" and "venting" became popularly accepted. There was a lot of "not in front of the children." It had a downside but in our case it also had a big upside.
The second divorce was handled very much the same way except that it was not, financially, quite so tough, as my stepfather had always been very responsible and provident. Again, they always spoke well of each other to the kids, each respected our relationships with the other, and both did what they could to keep others from sticking their oars in with negative stuff.
I don't think divorce is ever easy for kids, and I wish there were less of it. But sometimes it's the only viable option. Kids can survive it, and can thrive, and can be successful in relationships, etc., as adults. How the parents handle it can have a huge influence on that. People who forego the comfort of expressing their hurt and resentment and anger and frustration, and undertake the really tough investment of cobbling together some kind of civil and pleasant relationship with a person whose very presence in their lives may evoke a lot of pain, can really help their kids. People who can live with and surmount the financial hardships and sacrifices that divorce imposes, without getting sucked into a cycle of blaming, resentment, competitiveness, etc., are being stellar parents, even if they couldn't make it work as spouses.
So you still have a chance to be a topnotch father, even if it isn't the way you'd hoped or imagined. Even if the rewards seem far-off or faint, right now. You can still keep faith with your daughter, and it will matter. Greatly.
encouragingly,
Bright
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