Why Can't I Own A Canadian?

[bridgit]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advise to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot ne condoned under any circumstances.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advise from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them, for instance: When I burn a bull on the alter as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1: 9; the problem is my neighbors. They claim it is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell ny daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev. 15:19 ~ 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most woman take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed posses slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the alter of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room there?

Most of my friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How shall they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6 ~ 8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops on the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev. 24:10 ~ 16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Dr. Laura, I know that you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

[beyurslf]

1. A Canadian or two might come in nice. I need some laundry done.

[davepc]

2. Would be better if it addressed some of the New Testament passages given as "evidence"

Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9, and 1 Timothy 1:10

A Christian will tell you that the new covenant supersedes the old law of Moses.

Myself, I'm partial to the whole judge not lest you be judged thing

[YankmeCrankme]

11. Not for an Orthodox Jew

Since she is citing her position as an Orthodox Jew, Christianity and the New Testament has nothing to say about it.

[krispos42]

3. Because one Canadian slave is only worth 0,94 American slaves

It's the exchange rate, although the way the dollar is weakening it might well be advantangous to have a Canadian slave soon. Maybe buy one now before while the exchange rate is in your favor?

[JTFrog]

7. nt

self delete - not awake yet :)

[Fierce]

29. Close to the border, they're trading at par.

nt

[rpannier]

4. What I found amusing about this whole thing was she posted a reply on her website

She said that slavery was illegal under the law.

So...she is saying Man's Law is superior to God's law.

[ixion]

5. the problem is my neighbors. They claim it is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

:rofl: Got a good chuckle out of that one. Great letter. :applause:

[bridgit]

13. that one got me too...

:rofl:

[Turbineguy]

6. I'd prefer owning a Canadian

because I don't speak Spanish. But I really like burritos. It's a quandry.

[rpannier]

14. Buy a canadian that's working in a Taco Bell

See...you can have both.

[TahitiNut]

18. Develop a taste for Tim Horton's??

Or perhaps you could lobby Tim Horton's to serve burritos. :shrug:


I know just the Canadian I want. I once dated her ... she's a nurse and she's lovely.

[Turbineguy]

30. Wow!

You just reminded me of this beautiful Doctor I met in Halifax when I had to go to the hospital there. Red hair. She invited me to come back and see her. Fate interrupted.

[TahitiNut]

31. Signs. The universe is giving you a message.

:silly:

[Turbineguy]

33. Be that as it may...

my Wife has no sense of humor about these things.

[Demeter]

8. I'd Consider Being OWNED by a Canadian

If he was available!

[TrogL]

36. How much do you cost?

[Demeter]

40. Check Out The Lead Box in "Merchant of Venice" --Wm. Shakespeare

That's about right.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

9. Smiting? And nobody told me?

Yanno, I didn't buy this pike on ebay for nuthin.

:silly:

[rpannier]

15. Here's your chance

But, I'd wait a few years.
When marian 'pat' robertson's God is running the US, you can legally use the excuse that God told you to smite them and you will be absolved of all guilt.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

17. Oh no no no

I already have my own voices in my head to listen to, and I'll blame it on them ;)

weeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Philosoraptor]

10. She who showeth her stuff to the world is an abomination unto the Lord laura.

[dnbmathguy]

12. From the West Wing

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rHaVUjjH3EI

[GreenInNC]

16. Owning Canadians

It is not all that it is cracked up to be. I am married to one. She has cold feet and serves strange bacon.

[TahitiNut]

19. Eh?

It's the bagpipe music that gets me goin'. :dunce:

[theothersnippywshrub]

24. Why is it always about the bacon with some people? n/t

[GreenInNC]

42. Bacon

Here in the "Land of a 1000 Hog Lagoons" we take our bacon pretty seriously.

[Rex]

20. Jim?

Hmmm...

[Hippo_Tron]

21. An oldie but a goodie

I loved when they did it on the West Wing.

[Arugula Latte]

22. Daddy! I want a Canadian!

I want you to get me a Canadian right away!

http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2004/03/17/funny1,0.jpg

[goddess40]

23. I love it

Let us know if she responds.

[Cleita]

25. Hilarious. Thanks. I needed the laugh.

However, my neighbors wouldn't object to the bull. They'd think it was a barbeque and invite themselves over.

[achtung_circus]

26. Well, I'm not for sale

but I can be rented.

[TahitiNut]

39. Sorry, but I'm bidding on Celine Dion.

:silly:

[achtung_circus]

41. You can have her boney ass. nt

[TahitiNut]

43. Well, at my age Jill Hennessy would be too much.

:rofl:

[achtung_circus]

27. Snopes, as always, has something to say

including a fuller text.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

[bridgit]

28. yeah well, i picked up mine at the rainbow festival yesterday so...

:P :rofl:

[kitty1]

32. okay you guys; the bids for me start up on Ebay at Midnite...

I don't do windows though, and I want weekends off. See ya

[aikoaiko]

34. Why would anyone want to own a Canadian?

;)

[Horse with no Name]

35. To be fair

I'd like to own a Canadian AND a Mexican. Is that allowed? I'm an equal opportunity slaveholder.

[Spazito]

37. Oh Geez! Why would anyone want to own a Canadian?

We are commie pinkos, socialists, elitist,apologists,Castro-lovers,Chavez-lovers and, worst of all, we apologize at the drop of a hat, literally, so how can anyone trust us! Ya gotta know if you own one of us we will try to brainwash you, in a polite way, into commie pinko ideas like universal health care, joining the ICC and banning both cluster bombs and landmines.

:rofl:

Edited to correct punctuation error (another potential annoying trait, lol)

[berni_mccoy]

38. You can't own a Canadian because Canada isn't a neighboring nation... it's the 53rd state

:sarcasm:

:rofl:


P.S. I also know there are only 50 states.

[WinkyDink]

44. I call dibs on Mike Myers!

[bridgit]

46. pretty sure hubby will call dibs on: Shania Twain...

[WillyT]

45. Have A Couple On Me !!!

:hi: