Annotated Pants On Fire

[Timbuk3]

THE PRESIDENT (THE SQUATTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE): "After September the 11th, I vowed to the American people that our government would do everything within the law to protect them against another terrorist attack." (I also decided to do anything I wanted to OUTSIDE the law. Let's not talk about that.) "As part of this effort, I authorized the National Security Agency to intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations. In other words, if al Qaeda or their associates are making calls into the United States or out of the United States, we want to know what they're saying." (Just like everyone else. But that's a strawman, and has nothing whatsoever to do with collecting your phone records.)

"Today there are new claims about other ways we are tracking down al Qaeda to prevent attacks on America." (I'm not ready to talk about the phone records, yet. I want to make sure you confuse that with terrorism.) "I want to make some important points about what the government is doing and what the government is not doing." (Let me throw out a few more straw men.)

"First, our international activities strictly target al Qaeda and their known affiliates." ("Target" being the operative word, here. So what if we don't 'hit the bullseye' every time? You never know WHO might be al Qaida, these days. Lemme look under this desk. 'Nope. No weapons under here...' HAHAHAHA!) "Al Qaeda is our enemy, and we want to know their plans." ("We" being everyone in America, not that's got anything do do with which pizza place you order from, but it sure SOUNDS good!) "Second, the government does not listen to domestic phone calls without court approval." (Will somebody please grab a fire-extinguisher and help me out, here? Damn, I gotta buy some fireproof pants. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11188271/ ) "Third, the intelligence activities I authorized are lawful and have been briefed to appropriate members of Congress, both Republican and Democrat." (I told the intelligence committee. Some of them objected, but they couldn't say anything publicly without breaking the law themselvs. HAHAHAHA! That was Gonzo's idea. He cracks me up!) "Fourth, the privacy of ordinary Americans is fiercely protected in all our activities." (We kept our collection of data on ordinary Americans to ouselves. Get it? They're protected FROM EACH OTHER, but not from US! HAHAHAHA! Oh, loosen up. This is some funny stuff, here!)

"We're not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans." (If you're innocent you should just hand over your right to privacy.) "Our efforts are focused on links to al Qaeda and their known affiliates." (The ends justifies the means. To hell with my oath of office! http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0878064.html ) "So far we've been very successful in preventing another attack on our soil." (Please don't ask me to name any of these successes! They're secret, too. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

"As a general matter, every time sensitive intelligence is leaked, it hurts our ability to defeat this enemy." (Prior to today al Qaida didn't realize we can wiretap, and no one would have guessed we were collecting personal data on people who have nothing to do with them.) "Our most important job is to protect the American people from another attack, and we will do so within the laws of our country." (This other stuff isn't really about protecting YOU, it's about protecting ME!)

"Thank you." (Suckers.)

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2006/05/20060511-1.html

[C_U_L8R]

1. as a wise child once told Bozo..

cram it clown

good god Bush is just awful

[Timbuk3]

2. Wasn't that Sideshow Bob...

...to Krusty?

[C_U_L8R]

3. It was an urban myth predating the Simpsons

lord knows if it was true or not....
but i spent a good chunk of my childhood
(60s-70s) emulating it - drove my mom nuts.