Housework by "Default"

[Sparkly]

This is something I've read and thought about since I was a teenager, and yet I find it afflicting me even as a consciousness-raised middle-ager. Why is it that women are expected to do, and DO do, all the work nobody else considers doing, as a sort of default?

My own Mom had a serious illness that onset when I was 12. We quickly learned what Mom had been doing that smoothed life over, kept the household wheels moving, etc... And living on your own, you realize nobody else is going to change the toilet paper roll, fill the ice-cube tray, fold the laundry, etc...

But once I was married, I realized it's more than just a "second shift" -- it's a perpetual expectation. In my first marriage, I felt pressured to make as much money as my husband and work twice as hard, but also to meet his every need in the same way his mother met his and his father's needs; it was like I was supposed to be both his father and his mother at the same time. Admittedly, he vacuumed and cooked and such, and in the end the issue that caused me to leave was a far more serious level of hostility and verbal/emotional abuse, although it absorbed all those other, minor issues.

My second marriage is very happy overall. Yet I *still* notice that I'm the "default" houseworker. Both his sons have lived with us at different times, and now my daughter, and mostly it's been just him and me. But in any case, everybody pretty much departs at certain times. I used to joke about "The Laundry Fairy" and "The Dishes Fairy" and such. Somebody complains that old rolls are stale, but they leave them there on the counter anyway -- "The Counter Fairy" will throw them away. Somebody complains about a stack of mail on the table -- "The Mail Fairy" will sort it out. There's a Bill-Paying Fairy, a Quicken-Entering Fairy, a Floor-Sweeping Fairy, a Counter-Wiping Fairy, in addition to the ubiquitous Laundry Fairy and Dishes Fairy -- all sorts of things involve this Fairy....

And what amazes me is finding myself DOING it. The husband and the kids retreat to wherever, and there I am wiping the counter and putting cans into the recycling bag and whatever, asking myself, "Why the HELL am I doing this?!? Because I have a uterus, or what?!?" I must have done something to set it up this way. But why? I KNOW better. On my own, I'm a total slob. I HATE cleaning up after my own self, let alone everybody else (and I'm continually criticized for being messy!).

So why is every little task other people don't want to do automatically the job of The Person With The Uterus?!? Is this true in your households, too? Does it make you crazy, too? Because as a long-term feminist, I see myself doing this, and I can't believe I'm doing it, and I keep wondering, "What the hell am I doing and WHY?"

You know what I mean?

[funflower]

1. Sounds like it's time for a serious family meeting. The non-wife/moms in

your household probably don't (due to male privilege and young person irresponsibility) even conscious realize all their is to do. Maybe you can get them to commit in principle to equality and divide up the chores (with appropriate consequences for slackers who don't do their part)..... Just an idea....

[Lydia Leftcoast]

2. And if they refuse to pull their weight, go on strike

at least as far as picking up after them is concerned.

If they don't put their own dishes in the dishwasher, the dishes stay out on the table. If they leave their clothes on the floor, the clothes stay there.

It will take a lot of self-control and a willingness to let go, but nothing will dramatize your contribution more.

[funflower]

3. If my kids' clothes are left on floor they mysteriously disappear for a

few days. Maybe it's the Clothes-Left-On-The-Floor Fairy.

[Sparkly]

4. You are so right

So why is it so hard for me to DO that?!?

Should I tell them in advance, "Okay, I'm on strike now, and etc etc...?"

Otherwise it's just a comparison that still makes it MY job, and still a bargain, such as, upon seeing a mess in the kitchen, "I'll HELP you with the dishes if you'll do something else" -- why is everything "helping" me, like it's MY job??? Makes me crazy.

[Sparkly]

5. True

I once wrote out all the chores, with the idea I might show them and have a discussion....

I think he saw my print-out and attributed it to me being "moody" or something. We never discussed it.

I have a major problem with assertiveness (in real life)!

[funflower]

6. "Moody" is when you feel the truth! Women's feelings are always being

denigrated as "moody" or "premenstrual" or "postmenopausal" or anything but legitimate. Doesn't really matter if you're "moody" if your print-out shows that you do 90% of the housework in a house full of four of five adults. Besides, tell 'em you're about to get a lot more "moody" if somebody doesn't start taking out the trash. ;-)

[politicat]

7. We've gone back and forth....

For the past couple of years, as I'm trying to get my private practice (and my writing) off the ground, I've been making a lot less of the money, so we assigned a value to my hours (i.e. I still make $40 an hour, it's just I don't get paid it....) and I "earn" my half of the household functioning through sweat equity. Of course, I set up the system, so ... (insert evil laugh here...)

Before, when we were both making about the same and working the same hours, we both hit the high points and let everything else slide. However, he still feels like he should contribute above and beyond money (and I'm not going to complain...) Mr. Me takes care of the lawn, I do the garden. He handles the recycling and trash, I handle the floors and counters. He does dishes, I cook. (Sometimes we reverse the latter.) Because at one point, for a very brief time, we considered having a child, he deals with the litter boxes. (And now, since both of the cats we have are technically "his" - I think they disagree, though - he deals with them 100%.) Until recently, he handled major repairs that involved the power tools while I handled plumbing, but we've reversed that after he tried to take off two fingers with a power saw. (My years as a drama minor will finally be useful!!)

But for the most part, everything else is mine - I deal with the money (because I'm better at that side), the mail, the bills, the major cleaning, etc.

The funny thing is that I don't mind so much. I'm not a control freak.... I'm a control enthusiast. I like having things my way, and he just doesn't care. I know it helps that we don't have children, and that aside from the long term houseguest from hell, we don't have other people in our house for more than an overnight. Ever. This is a rule.

We're both on our second partnerships, however. That's helped, a lot. Both of us are more assertive about what we're willing and not to do, and we're more willing to come to some sort of consensus (like the consensus about who cares what X room looks like as long as we can close the door). But I think a lot of that comes from utter trust and confidence in each other - I know that he won't leave me if I leave sour dough starter on the counter for a week, letting it really stink up the place and get going good, or if I leave my the tables set up in the living room with my battle map of the Battle of Farazine Harbor (not a real battle) with all of the little soldiers and ships on the table, he's just going to smile and nod and realize he lives with a crazy lady who writes about bloody battles and primitive fire bombings (Hi, Agent Mike! Ever heard of fiction? You should try some!) And he knows that his Legos and his robots and his lockpicking hobby and whatever other geek thing strikes him are never going to drive me away.

By having this confidence in our partnership, we both have the emotional space to be okay with temporary (or, in the case of the battle of Farazine Harbor, not so temporary) messes and disorderliness. Not that I can imagine our lives with small people around - we're the kind of people who should have "Choking Hazard - Small Parts. Not for children under 3" painted on the front door. :)

I know part of where we are though comes from him being the child of a single mother, with an older sister who practically beat good manners and feminism into him. He was apparently quite the little redneck shit as a pre-teen, until his 8 years older sister sat on him (sometimes literally) to teach him to be a human being. We're also both under 40 - while my father would have liked to have had a submissive June Cleaver for a wife (and while my mother provided that to an extent far greater than was good for her) my non-family role models didn't put up with that. Neither of us ever really internalized the message that housework is woman's work.

He's already said that If I manage to pull off a publishing coup that means he can stop doing what he does, he will take over the house side of our world so I can devote my time to our support. It's just right now the situation works better with me handling the house side.

[Warpy]

8. Face it, men grow up feeling entitled

to the uncomplaining services of a full time, unpaid domestic servant.

When men do something around the house, it's called "helping out" and they are entitled to gushes of praise and extra nooky.

I guess the only advice I can give to you is refuse to let those kids leave until the cleanup is done. If they make you do it all, it'll take a long time and it'll be bedtime with no TV. If they pitch in, they'll be off the hook in minutes and off to the video games next to that recliner chair that burps (thanks, Roseanne). At least you'll get some help.

It's either that or adopt the Quentin Crisp method of housekeeping, "Never sweep. After four years, the dust doesn't get any worse."

[funflower]

9. I don't think women should have to choose between four years' accumulation

of dust or doing all of the chores themselves. It seems to me that adults should be able to compromise o a reasonable standard of cleanliness and then divide up the chores in something approximating a fair manner.

But maybe my husband (who comes from a long line of families with strong females) is easier to get along with than most!

[MountainLaurel]

18. Amen!

:applause:

[Hello_Kitty]

12. LOL!! I love Quentin Crisp.

My favorite saying of his was "Don't keep up with the Joneses - Drag them down to YOUR level."

[geniph]

10. Ah, the eternal female inability to ignore squalor

I always thought of myself as something of a slob - until I lived with two of my brothers. Now, THEY were pigs. I once went off and house-sat for my dad for the entire month of August, and as an experiment, cleaned up nothing before I left. I came back in September, and all the dirty dishes, trash, stale food, etc., that'd been there in August was STILL THERE - and stinking to high heaven, too. They would literally never clean anything unless it was at gunpoint. Since I had a lower tolerance for filth than they did, I ended up cleaning it by default - it was a matter of The Person Who Is Most Bothered By It Must Deal With It.

In my marriage, it's been somewhat similar. Neither of my stepsons had the ability to see filth (until they moved out and in with each other - now the younger boy bitches nonstop about how slovenly his brother is, bwahahahaha). My husband has a slightly higher tolerance for squalor than I do. So I end up doing most of the baseline cleaning - the floor sweeping, the toilet scrubbing, counter wiping, that kind of stuff. However, with John and I, it works out fine. He does the grocery shopping and all the cooking. Whichever of us happens to get to the laundry first starts it, and whoever notices it needs tending continues it. I do most of the housework and any electronic repairs. He does all major renovations and repairs (he's a contractor, so he's better equipped to actually fix anything non-electronic). We each pay a share of the household bills and don't bug each other about the schedule for payment until tax time.

However, all bets are off when I'm acting, as I am now. Between rehearsals and performances, and my regular job, I'm just not home enough to clean anything up, so it falls to him. What I've discovered is that, while he can tolerate dishes in the sink and on the counters longer than I can, he WILL clean it all up after two or three days. Same with the litterbox and the trash - while I deal with them the second I notice they require tending, and he can let them go for another day or so, he will clean them if I leave them. I just have a lower filth-tolerance threshhold, that's all.

I still maintain my brothers and stepsons are inconsiderate disgusting pigs, though. ;-)

[Hello_Kitty]

11. There were some very good discussions about this recently

On some femblogs I like to read. It was several days ago and I'm at work so I don't have the time to go digging them up. But women were talking about how they dealt with the expectation of doing everything and how even having to negotiate this shit with men is a sign that society still has a long way to go. The way the women who shared dealt with it ran the gamut from refusing outright to do anything if it was apparent the male partner wasn't going to do his share (yes - it's doing his share - not "helping"!) to just doing everything herself because it just wasn't worth the hassle of the arguments and being viewed as a nag by him and everyone else. All these women are feminists so it was interesting to see the different takes and it also alleviated some of my own misgivings and feminist guilt about how I've handled it. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, as usual.

One thing they brought up that for some reason I'd never contemplated is the double standard of cleanliness. If a couple live in a dirty house, who gets blamed for it by anyone who comes over? That's right. The woman. SHE is a bad housekeeper, not THEM, and certainly not HIM. She is shirking her feminine responsibilities and not taking care of her man and his house. That, I think, gets to the crux of why women feel obliged to do all this stuff. Sparkly, you mention how you're not really concerned with neatness when you are alone. I'm the same way. Yeah, it's messy but I'll get to it when I get to it. When I'm living with a guy, the mess bothers me more and I couldn't figure out why until that point about the judgement of other people was made. Because we all know it's true.

Great post Sparkly!

[Nikia]

13. My mother-in-law expects me to do everything

Even though my husband is unemployed. I end up doing basic stuff that needs to be done like laundry or the dished. Every once in a while, my husband says "Let's clean." and expects me to do stuff. He never does anything on his own even though I am doing laundry and dishes by myself and he has more time. Despite this, my mother-in-law criticizes me because I don't take care of everything and that the house is not up to her standards when she visits. She says that it is because she is old school.
I call crap on this. Even my grandmother, who grew up during WWII, thinks it is good that men are doing more things if both partners work full time. If one partner does not work full time, she believes that partner, male or female, should do the bulk of the housework. She also believed that neither partner should be helpless in not being able to do any and every household task if they would need to.

[Katherine Brengle]

26. A wise woman---->

I had this conversation with each of the partners in my friend "couple" this week. Right now, he is unemployed temporarily so she is working even more than she usually does (which is insane--she's a music teacher working for a public school in the area, giving private lessons at two different music stores and at home, and a DJ two nights a week until 2 am, sometimes she adds on a third night for some extra $$$).

She's getting irritated because he is at home all day and does NOTHING. No dishes, no wiping down the bathroom, no taking out the trash, no making the beds, no laundry, no nothing.

She comes home after working 12 hours, and walks in to a house full of dishes and him napping or playing video games.

She said to me, "I just wish he would help me out, ya know?"

I told her, straight up, "Sweetie, don't say that. He doesn't need to do these things to help you out--he needs to do them to help both of you. You both live there, you are coexisting together. Since you are the one working outside the home right now, he should be keeping things pulled together at home until things even out again."

Speaking with him about the same issue last night: I brought it up because I knew she wouldn't say anything and that it was going to blow up, and he said, "I know, I know I should be helping her out."

I WANT TO SCREAM. I told him the same thing I told her.

I am a stay at home mom, so I expect to do more of the housework since I am generally home all day. However, I also write from home, so I do NOT expect to do EVERYTHING myself when part of my day is spent doing "outside" work.

My hubby is a really wonderful person, and he definitely does his share (especially when it comes to dishes and taking out the trash, both of which I loooooooathe), but one thing really irks me... The entire time we have been together (about 3 YEARS), he has never ONCE cleaned the bathroom.

I don't really mind doing it--it's the smallest room in the house, and the easiest to clean, but not even once has he offered... Then I thought about it--I've never ONCE asked him to do it... It's all very f*ed up...

[lukasahero]

27. Re: helping "her" out

I think men who don't mind living like slobs in filth or think they are being so wonderful by "helping the wife out" need to grow the f*ck up.

What is so hard to understand here? If two people live in a home, if two people work, then two people are responsible for keeping their home clean. If the conditions differ, an adult couple should be able to discuss the situation and compromise on responsibilities.

I'm so glad I married an adult this time. :)

[MountainLaurel]

17. Was it this one

From BitchPhD:

http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2005/11/my-radical-married-feminist-manifesto.html

[ismnotwasm]

14. My husband has Multiple Sclerosis

And as it has progressed, he can do less and less. I'm the "head of household" because he hasn't been able work for a long time. But he does what he can, and that includes dishes, and cleaning up what he has the energy to do. He tries to do general household repairs (clogged sinks--whatever)He almost to the point where he can no longer mow the lawn. I let him do the bills, even though his memory is going. He does ok.

When all our kids were home, I closed their bedroom doors and tossed their shit in when they left it around the house. They all went through pig stages. "I am not a maid" was my mantra, especially when I'm the one working full time, with an ill husband. 3 girls and a boy. They all did about the same as far as actual housework went. (which was not great, but a least they contributed)Then they went through this move out move back in stage. (Sigh) That's over, I think

So I've always had it a little lopsided, but I'll tell you one thing, my husband would kill to be able just to keep house properly. It's funny but I've always looked at him as being "cleansed by fire" because even though he teases me about being a feminist, he agrees 100% with my point of view as far as women's issues go. I've often wondered if it took the loss of control, being "unmanned" that brought him enlightenment. Fucked up way to get there. But he knows what it's like to not have choices, not to have power, not to have control. He emphasizes with those whose rights to choices are constantly challenged and questioned.
God I love that man.

[Hello_Kitty]

15. What a great guy you have!

My wonderful late stepmom had MS so I know how difficult things must be for you guys. She was an amazing woman. Artistic, brilliant, and feisty as hell. I learned feminism at her knee. I really hope they can find a cure for that dreadful disease that cuts so many beautiful people down in their primes.

[ismnotwasm]

16. He is pretty neat!

MS sucks. We fight it tooth and nail, win a little, lose a little, and then a little more. Then you win a bit back.
I just got a tee shirt from NOW that says "This is what a feminist looks like" He says he'll wear one if I get it for him, so of course, one is on the way!

[eridani]

19. Husband retired and me a few years away--

--and we still live like grad students. What I notice is that I wind up doing most of the thinking about housework, even though he does most of the actual work. The default is that his sloppier standards reign. I do bills and weekend cooking (leftovers dealt with by him during the week). He does anything I ask (eventually), but will never initiate anything if I don't ask.

[spooky3]

20. Here's a bit of a cop out but it worked for us...

pretty much, anyway, when I was married. (We divorced over a completely different issue).

We were both busy with careers and decided it was worth it to pay for a housekeeper once every two weeks. No one then had to tolerate extreme disorder and mess (just occasional clutter from when we didn't have time to put some stuff away). This left far fewer recurring tasks to cause conflict or unhappiness. We did not spend as much on furniture, clothes, travel, etc. as a result, but it was worth it to come home every couple of weeks to a nice smelling, clean house that stayed that way for a little while, and to have a little extra time and less stress.

He liked to cook and was good at it (though took forever) so when he cooked, I cleaned up, and vice versa. I did most of the yard work but he would do some of it. He cleaned out gutters, took the cars to the shop, argued with retailers or others who were sexist enough to react much better to his making the same arguments that I would make. Neither of us was handy so we paid people such as plumbers. We both did painting prep work, painting, taking out the trash, and other stuff that didn't require a lot of skill. I would say I ended up doing 60% and he did 40%. We still had conflicts over this because we had explicitly agreed before marriage that it would be 50-50. But he probably did more than 90% of his peers with comparably demanding jobs. On the other hand, probably most of those peers had wives with less demanding jobs than mine.

I'm sure you're remembering that you are fighting a battle against society, not just inequity in your own household. That's why it is so hard. You would think that in 2005 this battle would have been won, but it hasn't been.

[I Have A Dream]

21. It's also the woman who is blamed if the house is sloppy.

I've gone to people's houses with other people (interestingly mostly women -- I've never heard a man say it) who say "Can you believe that she lets her house get like this?". The man lives there also. I've heard women say the same thing about a married man being dressed badly or his clothes being wrinkled. It's "Can you believe that she leaves him go out like that?".

Sometimes we're our own worst enemies. :(

[bleedingheart]

22. I find that culturally men will not do something unless directed to do so

I an not knocking them but something about their social or perhaps genetic wiring does not allow them to walk by a pile of debris and think..."I should pick that up"...they kind of meander through life...and a lot of women enable this...

So in our household when I find myself overwhelmed I will ask my husband to do something right then and there. "Hon..please do the dishes"...and he does it.
"Hon...please clean the downstairs bathroom"...and he does it.

I don't give him lists anymore and I don't nag. I just say..."do it"..in a nice way...and I make sure he is not doing something else. So when I am running around putting laundry away and he is sitting on his ass channel surfing ...I find something for him to do...even helping the kids with homework is still helping.

When we were first married I got pissed about how he left laundry everywhere. I gave him an ultimatum.. if isn't in the laundry basket...it goes in the trash. I fixed that problem right away after he found some of his stuff in the kitchen trash.

After many years of yelling and bitching at my husband I finally found out that my approach was the problem...I waited until I was pissed off to get help and that made everything worse.

Granted...he still isn't doing 50% of the housework but he is doing more than he used to at times.

[lukasahero]

23. I'm so glad I married a grown-up

We split the housework, we talk about who does what, we don't hold grudges about who is "doing more" because we both understand there is work that needs to be done and neither one is "biologically" responsible for it.

I don't "tell him" what to do and he doesn't tell me. If there is something he thinks needs to be done, he does it. If I do, I do it. If we both ignore for a few days, life will go on. It is of less importance than our relationship with each other to which we will forge all of our efforts.

We compromise with each other over chores that are easier or less objectionable (he kills the spiders and does the heavy lifting, I compromise by washing the floors).

If I need his help, I ASK for it. Amazingly, he does the same. We've also been known to offer our help to each other without waiting to be asked. Ain't it a wonder?

Compromise, communication, respect. Damn I'm a lucky woman.

[bleedingheart]

24. you are lucky...

my husband grew up in a household where his mother and step mother did everything but wipe his dad's butt. When we married he had a very distorted view of what his role in our marriage would be and it took many years of going back and forth until I figured out what works for us. He is still a great husband and father, and that matters more.

[lukasahero]

25. Actually, my husband grew up in a rather similar household

in Virginia. His mother was a pastor's daughter in the deep south during the depression and his father worked for the government. On her death bed, her wants and needs took second place to her deceased husband's.

How he ever grew up to be the liberated, free-thinker he is remains a mystery. But yes, I'm very, very aware of my good fortune in finding him. :)