"The Politics of Housework," by Pat Mainardi

[BlueIris]

I cannot tell you how happy I was to find this online. I don't know why it wasn't there all the times I Googled it last month, when all the ignorant whining and complaining from underinformed posters started, wondering why women cohabitating with their partners actually expect their partners not to treat them like servants. I read this in college in the late '90s, was amazed and how topical it was and am still amazed at how many marriages and committed relationships I have observed recently in which the male participants involved continue to embrace these archaic "my-female-partner-is-my-domestic-slave" attitudes. Anyway, for those who haven't read it, please do. It's great. It can make you want to throw things, maybe, but it's great.

http://www.cwluherstory.com/CWLUArchive/polhousework.html

[Lydia Leftcoast]

1. I'm real sensitive to any vibes of "I need a housekeeper."

When I was about half my current age, I had a fellow student who pursued several different women, including me. He was unobjectionable, but what bothered me was that he lived entirely on pizza and fast food and never looked put together.

He eventually married one of my other classmates, who was on the verge of dropping out of the program anyway. She took a job, and one day, I heard him greet her (who had just gotten off work) with, "What's for dinner?"

In such a situation, I would have said, "I don't know. Surprise me." :evilgrin:

[BlueIris]

2. Ew. Nice fellow. Hone those vibes, feminists.

OK, I'm sure our more mature contribtuors have their vibes up to a very fine level--I got burned in a relationship re: housework once, and I'm NOT going there again in any living situation. No slobs, no slackers, no looking-for-a-servants. Those little assholes can fuck off.

[Eloriel]

3. Amazing synchronicity

I haven't looked at the link yet, but I will.

When I was getting married the 2nd time, I told my husband that "We're both adults, we've both been taking care of our own laundry and other life maintenance tasks, so that's exactly the way I expect things to continue once we're married."

He's been very good at not seeing/expecting "domestic help" type roles from me, but I'm basically retired these days and he's definitely NOT, so really a reasonable and fair division of labor means that while there's a LOT of cleaning and picking up after our own selves we both do, a very good bit of the life maintenance tasks falls to me (tho NOT laundry!!). He still cooks now and then (once or twice a week, as a rule), bakes when HE wants baked goods (they're not on my diet), does most of the grocery shopping while he's out anyway, ferries things to the dry cleaners and does a number of other errands, and does most of the lawn upkeep (tho any "gardening" I want done -- flower, vegetable, herb -- is mostly my responsibility if I want any done at all).

If I brought in any money we could hire out more of the "life maintenance tasks," and that would be wonderful, but it's not in the cards.

Now, after all that diversion, what's synchronous about this is that I was thinking to myself earlier today about how things were when I was growing up in the 1950s and pre-2nd Wave Feminism 60s. There was a time when women typically did all the clothes-buying for their husbands, and their laundry too, of course. I grew up in such a household where my mother had a job off and on (when needed) and took care of everything else as well -- cooking, canning, cleaning, laundry, IRONING, family clothes buying, home decorating, etc., etc., etc. My GAWD (God, A Woman Deity), what a sense of superiority you can grow for yourself from being on the receiving end of that reality alone: your very own domestic servant, so you never have to clean house, never have to do your own laundry, never have to cook for yourself!!! Think about it for a while and no woman who's honest about it would disagree with that famous line (from Gloria Steinem, I believe it was): I need a wife.

Really, "wife" had a status of unpaid domestic help -- not unlike butler or manservant. As wife, you got sex (big deal), "his name" (considered something of value in itself in some circumstances), economic necessities taken care of (presumably), children (a mixed blessing), and if you're lucky an inheritance -- all that instead of a paycheck.

I'm thinking a paycheck might be a better deal.

The labor women contribute to this world would probably be THE biggest item in GDP if it were taken into account, which it's not.

Another thing I was thinking to myself a few days ago: the Women's Movement gave me a life. I am SO utterly constitutionally unsuited to have been either a "homemaker" or "stay-at-home mome" or a teacher, secretary, stewardess, nurse, etc. that it's not even funny and in fact, the mere thought of living a life of only those choices drives me nearly bonkers. I can't IMAGINE what my life would have been like had the Women's Movement not come along just in time to -- as I said, GIVE me a life, and a chance to have one.

Edit: One more thought, also from Steinem I am pretty sure (paraphrased tho): When men talk about "helping with the housework," or childcare, etc., that's just a higher level of sexism. IOW: who is it who is still RESPONSIBLE for it? Men need to not just "help" with these life maintenance tasks, but be partially responsible for them as well.

[Eloriel]

4. Oh, I LOVE it.

So many quotables:

How can you ask the top wolf to be equal?

Indeed.

"Women's liberation isn't really a political movement." MEANING: The revolution is coming too close to home. ALSO MEANING: I am only interested in how I am oppressed, not how I oppress others. Therefore the war, the draft and the university are political. Women's liberation is not.

how many times have we seen DU men chide us about being concerned over trivialities -- i.e., just about ANY women's issue, but it's an especially popular gripe when we're complaining about their language or visual images of women -- when there are so many more IMPORTANT things going on??

Edit: What a fabulous resource, this compilation of early, classic 2nd Wave Feminism writings. I think I have some reading to do. Thanks so much!! http://www.cwluherstory.com/CWLUArchive/classic.html

[BlueIris]

5. Don't forget the part about how many men equate "women's work"

with "shitwork." I confront people on their attitudes about that All. The. Time.

But, yeah, Eloriel, isn't this article GREAT? It's one of my favorite essays EVER. There's another one of the "classics" I'm going to try to scrounge up later. That will be a trip down memory lane for some of you, I'm sure.

[undergroundpanther]

6. just

Let the top wolf fend for himself..in the laundry..

He will come to you with his tail tucked between legs whining and hysterical when he cannot figure out how to work the washing machine(even tho instructions are ON the machine dumb-ass) and can't figure out how to SORT laundry even tho instructions on sorting/washing are on most detergent bottles AND on the machine lid.

Funny how men think they are alphas but when it comes to doing work,they whine like Chihuahuas,mention mopping the floor or washing dishes all of a sudden they act like they are so damn fragile and stupid and are such incompetents too much of the time..Where did all that "power" and gung ho master of the world bullshit go? Did the dog eat it?
No they just are manipulating to get out of their share of the mundane reality. All they want is domination and power and no responsibility for it's effects and to do no shit work and when they whine we cannot dare tell them they are pathetic lest thier alpha male illusions and ego breaks and they have a tempertantrum because the truth hurts...

[Hello_Kitty]

7. The truth

The sexists have to arrange their entire lives around protecting themselves from it.

[BlueIris]

10. How. True. This. Is.

GOD. What a bunch of goddamned morons typical Americans.

Iris is having a bad morning, feminists. She may have to not post too much today.

[lukasahero]

8. "Mundane reality"

I think this is a key point in any discussion about housework - it's "mundane". It's not "heroic".

Is there a level of "privilege" to it? Oh god yes. But I think there's also a great deal of socialization that helps bring it about. Young boys are often taught that they have to "conquer" the world, do "great" things. Well, laundry and vacuuming ain't "great" things. They have to be done over and over and over again. By the time you finish, it's time to do it again. There's little "accomplishment" in it.

Of course, any time a man who wants to feel good about his "decision" not to do laundry especially, will always, without fail, bring up the idea that his wife does things differently and he doesn't know "her rules". Oddly enough, he never seems to think to ASK HER. And then, well, REMEMBER what she said. That one pisses me off because it's a bogus excuse that he could never use in the workplace.

In the workplace if the boss wanted something done a certain way, first of all it would be accepted as perhaps the boss might actually know better AND have a reason for why s/he wants it done that way (not something that will ever be considered re: a woman who wants certain clothes laundered a certain way).

Secondly, in the workplace, even if you don't understand or even respect that the boss has a reason for doing something a certain way, you just f*ckin' do it the way they want you to do it. You remember how they want it done or you lose your job. You don't say, well, I can't remember all that so you should just do it yourself. What a cheap excuse for getting out of something you don't want to do and rationalizing yourself out of being called on it.

That's not to say that people in relationships shouldn't come up with their own compromises as to who does what, but please, can we drop the excuses for it once and for all? People make choices. Good people make compromises. If it works for you, fine. But don't suggest that there is some kind of genetic code in women that allows them to intuit the vagaries of doing housework that men are incapable of grasping. Men sent us to the moon but some of them want us to believe they aren't capable of understanding the complexities of doing laundry. It's not about ability, it's about desire. So give me a break, ok?

End of rant. I'm going to post a response to the OP which will be far more complimentary of at least one man :) but I really wanted to get the "mundane" idea out there. Again, I think it's the key point when it comes to the concept of "women's work" vs. men's careers. "Go west young man!" (But take along a woman if you want some clean clothes for your journey.)

[lukasahero]

9. I learned to "hone my vibes" the hard way

I have learned to watch what is done and, largely, ignore what is said. My ex talked the talk of liberal and progressive values (I have spent many hours wondering which of the most belligerent lounge misogynists is, in fact, my ex) but when push came to shove, he wanted a maid and a mommy. He lived like a slob, didn't take care of anything he ever had and complained that he never had any money (because he spent it to replace all the stuff he ruined by not taking care of it in the first place!) But most of all, he was notorious for doing the "big romantic gestures". It made him sound like a prince to the outside world. Flowers sent to the office, big ticket items for xmas and birthdays, yadayadayada. (Of course, he never saved his "own" money for these "gifts" so it usually f*cked "my" budget for the month, but hey, who cares when it makes him look like a prince. :eyes:)

What no one outside our apartment ever knew was that he screamed at me routinely. One particular example that stands out in my mind was when he went into a violent screaming, spitting, fist-slamming rage when the girl at McDonald's gave him the wrong order. Since we went through the drive thru, I was obviously the recipient of his rage. (Of course, he'd never dare display that behavior in public, unless of course, he was drunk.)

But what I remember most were the daily common courtesies, the care and the giving of oneself that one would expect when you love someone (picking up the slack in routine chores when the other is sick, offering occasionally to do more than what is needed, every so often surprising your partner by doing something for them that they could certainly do on their own but now they don't have to worry about because you did it for them - just because) just weren't there. When I finally realized that that's what love is, I left.

And ultimately met a man who understood all those things. I get flowers occasionally, (romance is not really his strong suit) but I get treated with courtesy and respect - ALWAYS. What made me first notice my husband was when I came in to work one morning and some "schmeg" had been removed from one of the window panes in my cubicle. We had spoken of it the day before and he went home and thought to bring something in the next morning to take care of it for me. I was stressed to the hilt at work and, while I certainly could have done this thing, it wasn't high on my priority list. It took him a few moments the night before and perhaps a minute in the morning before I arrived, for him to do something nice for me. 5 minutes of thought has made a five (plus) year impression.

As the relationship continued, I noticed he was capable of taking care of himself. He was older and had never been married but didn't live the "bachelor" life. His apartment was nicely decorated and (OMG) clean and neat. His clothes were well taken care of. He knew how to cook (from scratch, not a box or the freezer) and he was aware that if you treat your possessions with care, you don't waste money by constantly having to replace them. His actions and behavior demonstrated a respect for himself and for me. In other words, he was a grown up.

When we moved in together, we discussed division of chores and basically, we split everything. No one does one thing all the time - if I cook, he does the dishes and vice versa. We fell in to some "stereotypical" gender roles but largely due to size and experience or comfort level. (Generally not his but mine - i.e. I'm terrified of spiders and am a bit of a klutz. As a result, he kills the bugs and does things that require a steady hand - working with electricity, sharp objects ;) - and carries really heavy things. I accommodate this by choosing to take on certain tasks that he's not enthralled with (I wash the floor - he hates it.))

There are men out there who make these whiny, self-indulged "men" look like the little boys they are. Thank whatever god/life force you believe or don't in. There is hope.

[BlueIris]

11. I feel that. How sad is that our experience there is so common?

Thanks for pointing out that good partners do exist, lukasahero. I, personally, have given up. But I'm content with that decision. I clean up after my own messes and don't have to scream at anyone except myself about housework.