How do you handle jealousy?

[Beaverhausen]

I try and try but can't seem to get over how jealous I get about my boyfriend's female friends. I feel confident that he loves me and all is well with us but still...

[NashVegas]

1. Negative Emotions

It took me 30 years to figure this out (dysfunctional family), but I finally came to realize that having a negative emotion doesn't make anyone an asshole (unless that person is deliberately provoking it). Not you, not him. Not his friends. So why not just express it? Voodoo dolls may be going a bit far, mind you. ie, positive outlets good.

The question is, how does your boyfriend deal with your jealousy? Is he okay if you express it, or does he get upset with it?

[politicat]

2. Check yourself: is it jealousy or envy?

They really are two different emotions. Jealousy is an irrational fear of loss of status or economic well-being due to the threat of a sexual competitor. Envy is a rational unhappiness where we perceive that which we would like to have, but cannot have (be it attention, material goods, time for X, etc.)

Jealousy we deal with by realizing that it is irrational and self-examining for root causes (like, the real fear is that the live-in partner will go away, leaving the jealous partner in a precarious financial situation; this, as it happens, is often self-fulfilling) while simultaneously pushing one's comfort levels with the emotion (such as inviting the partner's opposite sex friends to parties; insisting that the partner spend time with them, while making it clear that the partner is not being pushed away or told to go away.)

LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of communication, written, if necessary, to get the words right. Be wordy. And remembering that sometimes achieving an emotional goal is done by pretending to achieve the goal. In the case of conquering a fear, such as heights, presenting to the world that you are comfortable at the top of the Sears tower assists in achieving the ultimate goal, because you can look back and say, "Well, I survived the Sears Tower, so what else can happen?" and use the experience of confronting the fear as a stepping off point for handling the future. In many cases, what we fear is thousands of times worse than the reality.

Finally, lots of self-examination. The better you know yourself, the better you can self-manage negative emotions. Figure out what the inner motivation for it is, and then you can figure out what you need to change in your life to rid yourself of the negative reaction. Transient jealousy, a rare occurrence, is nothing to worry about, and is usually hormonal. However, chronic jealousy can be very dangerous and may need professional help you can not get from the shrink on the other side of the web.

[JI7]

3. talk to your own girlfriends or even guy friends about it

sometimes i think a lot of problems we are feeling which we kind of know really aren't really a big problem but still have us feeling in negative ways can be dealt with just by talking to people about it.