I got the "F" word from my husband

[Lost-in-FL]

"Fertilization"

We have been married for a few years but we haven't been able to conceived. So, we made an appointment to see the fertility specialist.

Here's the problem: I am very comfortable without kids and I think I am too selfish to have kids. Also, I am so "Fn" scared about the whole thing!!! Help!!! I don't know what to do. Sometimes I like the idea but most of the time I get panicky. I don't know if I'll be a good mother, I don't know if I am ready to leave my comfort zone. Please don't judge me, just call me confused. My husband is a great human being and he loves kids so much. I am confused, don't know if i am doing it for him or is that I am so scared that I tell myself I don't want kids. :cry: :cry: :cry:

[Longhorn]

1. No judgment here.

Even those of us who knew we always wanted kids experienced many of the same doubts and worries that you are. If you can, try to peel away those feelings -- assume that you WILL be a good mother and that you WILL handle the changes in your life and, on the other hand, that you and your husband WILL handle the decision not to have children. What feelings are left?

As an example, my son was trying to decide whether to re-enlist in the Marines. He has served in Japan the entire time and has racked up some credit card debt. I never try to tell my children what they should do -- it's way too heavy a responsibility! -- but I do try to advise them how to make the best decision. My son listed all the pros and cons of staying in or getting out but he kept mentioning the debt. If he stays in, he'll get a $10,000 bonus and another $40,000 if he gets accepted in counter-intelligence. I don't think $10,000 in debt is a good enough reason to stay in the Marines for another four years -- sort of like they say: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." So I advised him to assume that he will take care of the debt no matter what he decides -- take the debt off the table. He did that and he also talked to a Marine friend who recently got out and to friends and family here in the States (he's home for his sister's wedding) and he has decided to get out (thank goodness!)

You're doing the smart thing to ask others who have been in your shoes how they handled it. The focus, of course, is not really on what they decided but how they made the decision. Just start with the premise that you are a caring person in a loving relationship and you will handle whatever comes your way.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll let us know how it goes! :hug:

[LiberalinNC]

2. You're not alone!!

I think most couples have those same feelings before having/starting a family. If you are not ready to start a family, then don't is my advice..a couple shouldn't start a family if one isn't ready. Good luck!!!

[oregonjen]

4. Even when we were trying, we were nervous

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was scared. The fact that your world is turned upside down is pretty daunting, but once you have your first, you will be amazed at how well you adapt to a new little one. Both my brothers do not have children and never want any, which is fine for them. I think about getting older and that they will not have children helping them in their old age. No grandchildren to enjoy. As we are statistically living longer, we have to think of our longterm care. I saw my parents help take care of my grandparents and I want to do the same for them. I want my children hopefully want to help us in our old age. It goes full circle.

[Beaverhausen]

3. Do you know anyone with really young kids you could "borrow" for a weekend?

That might help you make up your minds.

Children will cause huge change in your lives, so you are right to question the choice to have or not have kids.

Disclaimer- I don't have any kids and I'm happy. I do have grown step kids. Their teenage years were enough for me!

[Longhorn]

5. For me, borrowing someone else's kids wouldn't necessarily tell me how I felt

about having my own. When they're your own children, whether by birth, by adoption, or by marriage, it is different than when they belong to someone else. You bear the responsibility for their livelihood, you suffer when they are in pain or misbehaving, you share the joy of discovery and achieving milestones, and you feel an intense level of love that is at least equal to, in a different way, the love for a spouse or a parent. Other people's kids can irritate me when my wouldn't. At the same time, my kids might appear perfectly adorable and charming to someone else but to me at that moment, they're a bunch of brats! :)

I babysat a lot in high school and college and wasn't particularly fond of children but I love having four children and can't imagine not having them in my life. They are all my best friends, in addition to my husband. Frankly, I think it was more selfish of me to have children than it would have been not to. It is wonderful to be at peace with the decisions we make, isn't it? :hi:

[Lost-in-FL]

6. It is nice to learn from

other people views. I hear a lot about things changing once you have YOUR own kids, that even when you don't care much about other kids you get to love your in and for a very beautiful bond. I hope so!!!

I'm actually more scared of kids than finding them to be obnoxious but I have been told by my coworkers that their kids think "I'm cool". I hope I get to be "Cool" to my kids too. The longer my husband and I talk about it the better it seems.

Thank you all!!

[NashVegas]

7. Best Wishes Here

Like you, I was always terrified of the idea of having kids. It was indeed selfishness, that resulted from my upbringing. It's only since fully understanding the reasons why and getting the backbone to take some risks, I've come around to realize it wouldn't be the end of the world to become a mother, and that I do have something to give. I hope you can find that sweet spot.

In the meantime, I've had fertility-challenged friends swear up and down that endocrinologists are the route to go.

[Lost-in-FL]

8. I have!!

I just went to see my fertility endocrinologists and he recommended a laparoscopy and a hormone profile (blood work)!! He thinks I might have endometriosis. :scared: based on my past GYN history. He said that in my case he would rather start with the invasive procedure before getting me started with hormones/fertilization therapy. According to him my ultrasound was "grossly normal" but unfortunately he cannot diagnose endometriosis based on that alone. People are often started with hormones/fertility medication of the back and many grown frustrated when nothing happens. Time is a luxury when it comes to fertility and those patients pretty much end up getting a laparoscopy anyways so that is his approach. It sound reasonable to me.

I think I am getting used to the idea. I have been reading and I feel the need to put my finances in order very early. I think its going to be ok.

Thank you for wishing me the best, I will need it! :hi:

[SemperEadem]

9. you're going to have to figure out what you want

and articulate it to him before spending a dime on fertility treatments, if for no other reason than to be fair to the child(ren) that could be conceived through the process. Don't do this to keep him happy--do this because you want to be a mother and are ready to be a mother. If you're not, there's nothing wrong with that--at least you're honest with yourself, which puts you way further down the path to resolution than most people.

You might also want to talk with a therapist about helping you to make sense about these conflicting feelings you have.

In the end, you will have to live with the decision, so be true to yourself. Babies are bottom line issues in a marriage--you're not wrong for not wanting them and he's not wrong for wanting them.