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anymore, it seems that my brain is whizzing along at a million miles an hour, nothing but negativity and worry and self doubt and self loathing. my anxiety has been much higher over the past few months since i was fired from my job...the irrational (for lack of a better word) part of my brain dwells at what i perceive to be my shortcomings and worries at it like a sore tooth. i don't feel like i'm much of anything right now, that i'm worthless, a failure and am near the point of resigning myself to the fact that i will just wind up miserable in a dead end job and my life will be a waste. when i look at it logically, my life is very happy right now, but that part of my brain rarely prevails.
i'm needing my ativan on a much more regular basis and that causes more stress because i don't have a job or insurance...i keep meaning to go to the county mental health clinic, but don't seem to ever get around to it. of course, the anxiety causes physical symptoms and those further freak me out because i'm convinced that something is wrong with me.
that takes me to another point...i have no motivation anymore. i don't want to look for a job, i don't want to do the laundry or the dishes or tidy up my house. i'm not eating enough. i can never remember if i've taken my meds. i am showering and getting dressed every day and taking care of my cats, but that seems to be all i'm able to do right now. i sit at home and worry...i want to keep myself occupied, but have such a hard time getting up off my ass. i used to be able to harness that nervous or manic energy to clean or otherwise be productive, but i can't even seem to do that right now.
i'm tired of feeling like this. i feel lonely and helpless during the day because my boyfriend, dad and all of my friends work. sometimes i don't have anyone to call when i'm having a panic attack. i just want to feel happy and calm again.
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