Venting/advice-seeking...

[Cabcere]

Hi all, I'm new to this group, but I just needed a place to vent tonight. I'm really stressed out, depressed and upset right now, and I thought posting here - where people might understand - would possibly help. :shrug:

I was diagnosed with clinical depression five years ago (although to be honest, I think I've been suffering from it since I was about eight or nine years old - I'm 21 now). I went through some counseling/talk therapy, and that didn't really seem to help, so my doctor prescribed Zoloft for me. It works pretty well for me, but it's still kind of difficult to know how to adjust my dose to compensate for the seasons, and I think that's part of my problem right now. It's a fine line - too much and I'm always sleepy, too little and I get depressed. At the moment, though, I think most of my problem is situational.

One month ago today, my friend Danny was buried. :cry: Some of you Lounge lizards (can I call y'all that?) might remember me talking about him earlier - he was a friend of mine from high school who joined the Marines after graduation, and was killed in Iraq on Valentine's Day at the age of 19. I hadn't seen him much since I graduated (he was a year behind me in school), but I did run into him at the mall a summer or two ago, and that was the last time I saw him alive. :cry: Even though we weren't super close, he was a good friend and one hell of a great guy, and I miss him like crazy every day. Today - one month after he was lowered into the ground and his grieving mother presented with a ceremonially folded flag - would have been his half-birthday.

On top of that, last night I found out that my mom might have thyroid cancer. She said not to be too worried about it - they don't know for sure that it's cancer, but they're probably going to remove her thyroid just in case, and it seems to be a fairly safe and routine thing...I can't help but worry, though. Sure, she'll probably be fine, but she's my mom and she might have cancer, and that freaks me out a little. She already had a cancer scare a few years ago when her mammogram revealed an anomaly in one of her breasts - thankfully it wasn't cancerous, but the waiting and the wondering was a rough time for all of us, especially with her family history (her mother died at age 36 of leukemia, and a few of her other relatives have suffered from cancer). So there's that.

And then there is all the work I have to do for school. I have a six-page midterm due in less than twelve hours, and I've only written about a paragraph so far. I just can't concentrate or make myself care about the topic at hand - it just seems so unimportant and valueless, like I'm totally wasting my time. I've been feeling that way about a lot of my schoolwork lately, even with the subjects I generally enjoy. It's just like there's so much work to do...and for what? :shrug: I have the worst time with theory classes, since they don't seem to relate to ANYTHING (I'm an anthropology major, and we are required to take certain classes on the theories of the discipline - boring as all hell, to be honest). I just can't get myself to be motivated for any of this crap at all. I just want to get away from it all for a while - just go to sleep, or something, and not have to deal with it. I'm not really considering suicide; I'm not anywhere near that stage yet, but I just want to get away from it all for a few days.

All the stress of everything that's been going on is getting to me, and I find myself really wanting to pick up a plastic knife and reinforce the pale scar on my wrist. I know cutting is bad and it will solve nothing, and I haven't done it for a few months at least, so I don't want to get back into the habit. But it's hard. I keep thinking about it, because for me it was a sort of stress relief. (I never cut deep - barely drew blood at all, and I was always careful to clean the scratch afterwards.) I'm not sure how, but it sort of made me feel...vindicated, I guess? :shrug:

Anyway, so I guess what I'm asking is this: Does anybody here self-injure (or has anyone done it in the past), and if so, how do you distract yourself and/or fight the urge to do it again? :shrug: It's not quite an addiction with me, but I feel like it could turn into one if I'm not careful. (Oh, and I did see a therapist about this when I first started doing it a few years ago - she was not helpful at all, basically told me that I was stupid for cutting and that I needed to get a boyfriend. :grr: ) Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I appreciate your input. Peace.

[EFerrari]

1. Hi there, Cabcere.

No wonder you are depressed and stressed out with all you have to deal with. Mourning, the scare with your mom, the stress from school would stress ANYBODY out, imho.

I can't speak to cutting. But I can offer this: get yourself an extension for your paper. I taught at a university and can tell you, we gave them all the time when students had real life STUFF happen to them. I asked for a few myself.

If your system is telling you that you need a break, that's important info.

:hug:

[DemExpat]

2. Cabcere....

:hug:

I am doing my belated University studies and ask for extensions quite often....but since in my youth I kept quitting my studies because of mental health problems and life stresses, I do urge you to try to complete your studies now but while perhaps asking for understanding and extensions to ease the pressure some. (Talk to a counsellor)


And it sounds to me more than "natural" that you are feeling overstressed, overwhelmed and unfocussed on your studies. :hug:

I have a great Borderline book that gives usuable tips for dealing with self-harming impulses, but it is written by a Dutch therapist and not translated into English. If you want I will look it up when I have time this weekend and translate generally what he says about the urge to cut.

Otherwise perhaps look for English language books on Borderline and cutting - bound to be something there for good use.

Maybe nose around here on this IMO great site:
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/

All the best,

DemEx

[hedgehog]

3. Definitely get some kind of extension.

You would if you were in the hospital after getting hit by a car, right? Universities run into this all the time, even if they don't advertise it.

Is it sunny where you are? Try sitting outside in the sun or even taking a walk if you can manage. Exercise is good, but it seems when we could use it the most we can't even move!

[Cabcere]

4. Thanks for the feedback

:) I really appreciate it. As it turns out, I managed to finish the midterm last night/early this morning and turn it in on time, which is good because under the circumstances, I don't think an extension would have worked very well. (Not that it isn't a good suggestion - it is - but I'm also presenting a group project for this class, and our group asked for an extension for that, since the professor re-scheduled our presentation time so that we only had three days to prepare as opposed to the two weeks that every other group got. He granted us a slight extension, but was extremely rude and unsympathetic about it despite our very legitimate reasons and polite manner of asking, so I would have been afraid to ask for an extension on this midterm after that experience.) Anyway, it is sunny today and things are a little better, I think - although I was just reminded via email about a service project that I had signed up for, and I had totally forgotten that it is scheduled for tomorrow morning! :banghead: *sigh* I can't really get out of it, since rides to the house we're working on are already lined up and they've planned for a certain number of people, but it is a bit frustrating and at the moment I'm cursing myself for even signing up for it in the first place. :banghead: Ah well. Maybe it won't be so bad, right? :shrug:

[EFerrari]

5. Maybe once you're there, it'll be okay.

Good to read you. :hi:

[flamingyouth]

6. Hi Cabcere

I just visited this group for the first time in a long time and saw your thread. I'm glad to hear that you were able to get your midterm in on time - that's great. I found your thread by searching for "cutting" because I too am a cutter. I hadn't done it in a while (at least not with a knife or other sharp object; I do pick at my skin with my nails and pull my hair) but lately I have been thinking about it a lot. Finally last night I gouged the hell out of my arms and one of my legs with a small kitchen knife and some nail scissors. I've been so overwhelmed lately with health problems and chronic pain, and yesterday our cat died suddenly. It just all got to be too much.

I guess I just wanted to share my story. I've been doing this for about 20 years, off and on. And I can totally understand everything you're saying. Always remember: You are vindicated. Here's a hug: :hug: