I need to express what is going through my brain just now and I

[schmuls]

don't even know where to start. Well, briefly I'll just describe myself. I'm a 54 year old woman, my boyfriend of 25 years died in February of multiple causes, probably killed by the hospital he went to, but that is a whole episode that would take too long to explain, although I know I have deep rage over it. Anyway, I feel myself slipping into a really passive/aggressive attitude and way of acting toward people, specifically, my boyfriend's family, who, after he died, were really supportive of me. His sister came to my city to help me paint my kitchen, and have a sort of bonding session over Jim (my deceased boyfriend). As a background, let me say that I've always been a little intimidated and very envious over her - She's been married for several years to a practically perfect husband, have two grownup adopted daughters, they are very well-off, she has a career she loves, in other words, a pretty perfect life. Well, I had to approach something I really didn't want to bring up, and that was the fact that Jim, before he died, said that he needed to speak to her about the fact that if his dad, (who died a few years ago), had intended to leave any money to him, through his dad's wife, that Jim hoped it would go to me (Jim was disabled and had to give up his construction career, hence didn't have much money to leave me with). I said to his sister, it is ironic because Jim was a real procrastinator and at the same time needed to have his ducks in a row. Well, she said that if there was any intended money, it should by rights go to Barry, shouldn't it? (Barry is his son). I was so stunned, I couldn't really say anything. Afterwords, it was a little uncomfortable, we finished up the painting, and she left. I haven't heard from her since, she and her husband have been traveling around the United States. Now I just learned that when she got back home she took off with some old neighborhood girlfriends and went to another city to visit other friends, just a girl type holiday. Here's where the passive aggressiveness comes in, and some ugly truths about me. I am very jealous of her, I would give anything to be with a group of women and feel comfortable, I guess something about my mother and the way I was treated by girls in high school makes me very uncomfortable in a group of women. I am feeling extremely sorry for myself about the choices I made and what I am going through just now (childlessness, loneliness, poverty, never having a family, etc.) So to either make myself feel really bad, or to get back at her for her perfect life, I'm thinking of not showing up at her daughter's wedding shower, and saying I am sick or something. The only explanation I can give myself for this is that I want attention drawn to myself or get back at them or something (?!) Now if you think I am being a real bitch, don't worry, no one could hate me or think I am a bigger bitch than I do. The jist of this, is that if I slowly alienate myself from this family I will end up more alone than I am now, and they have done nothing to hurt me and have been kind to me. And as far as a psychiatrist or meds, I've been on meds before on and off for years and being on them led to some of the worse personal problems of my life. Sorry for the rambling, there was a lot to get out, I just needed to tell someone objective.

[DemExpat]

1. I heard you, schmuls.....

and would like to give you my support with your struggles. I would also like to say that I think that you have good insight into what you are doing and creating already - what is needed now is some acceptance and self-love. Easier said.......

Sometimes meds are not the answer to life's problems, psychological problems too, and finding a decent therapist/councellor who will let you thrash out your issues is what is more called for.

I recogise a lot of what you rant about in your post here - passive-agressiveness is something lots of us have. I was diagnosed as borderline personality disorder years ago, panic disorder and depression too, and have over the years (after ditching my years of medications) built up a relatively stable and comfortable state of being. Acceptance and appreciation of my good qualities and building up small successes and accomplishments helped me build up my "resume"......

Keeping a daily journal really helped me give my thoughts and feelings a place so that I could turn to other things in my daily life.

Books like Gerald Jampolsky's "Love is letting go of fear" (from the 80s!) were great bedside reading for a few years for me - they were like very good friends giving me their tips....

I wish you lots of strength through this tough time. I know that if I was at a place (which I have been often throughout my life) that I couldn't be sociable without feeling high tension/anxiety or resentment, I would be honest to myself and beg off and find a good excuse, but would be very careful not to damage positive relationships. I would not necessarily see this as trying to get back or trying to get attention.....
Besides, when you really get down to it, it is not the jealously and resentment of these people that is getting in your way, it is your feeling so bad about your self and your life. Try to keep these separate....IMHO. Sometimes if you can do this you can put aside your own unhappiness for a bit to go and share someone else's happiness.

DemEx

[schmuls]

2. Thanks for listening - it sounds like you have a lot of insight into

all of this. I especially like the part about feeling bad about the life choices I have made is really at the basis of this and how I could keep my feelings separate and enjoy someone else's happiness.

[DemExpat]

8. I also am at that certain age, so it really can be a roller-coaster

under ANY circumstances....I hope you find your grounding soon.

:hug:

DemEx

[mrgorth]

3. If she had said

she would give you money would you be less jealous? You know the grass is always greener. Her husband could be cheating on her on noone even knows.

[schmuls]

4. No I wouldn't be any less jealous. The issue wasn't

about money as much as I wanted her to know what was on her brother's mind. I care a lot more about having Jim's stepmother around for a while than I do about her money, because she is a mother figure to me, not having one of my own any more. Now I feel embarassed because the whole thing came out so differently than was my intention. I even feel leery of bringing it up to straighten it out, fearing it'll become even more jumbled. Then there is the jealousy of not only her but anyone in general who made better choices in their life. I made bad choices and now I have to live with them. You are right, the grass is always greener. Everyone has their own problems, some of which are secret.

[mrgorth]

5. Many of us make bad choices

My divorce of 10 years just went kaflooey and I could go bankrupt at any moment because I never budgeted before moving out. It took a long time but I learned to stop beating myself up. If it appears that someone is doing well for themselves I should be happy for them esp if they are good people and moreso if they are people I love. To be jealous not only brings negative energy and karma to you but is often misplaced. We make the decisions we make and all we can do is do the best with the outcomes gained. Love is the answer.

[knowbody0]

6. chin up, sweetie

loss and separation are so painful. to be starting out at 54 is especially rough. i am 58 now and experienced similar sadness at 54. as a matter of fact i crashed. my advice:

stop pretending anything anymore. these are your feelings, do not deny or make excuses. coulda woulda shoulda are non productive. take stock in your personal assets. you sound like you love well and unconditionally or not at all. that is wonderful! envy is like green slime on a pond. vision that when you feel it and will it away. life is change. change is uncomfortable. try as hard as you can to be open to the newness of your existance. remorse will drive others away like a contagious disease.

it's hard work that only you can do. counseling is good. also physical changes of menopause often cause strange depression. get yourself tested.

the best therapy for me was in caring for others. (just try to make sure they are worthy)

if being around this particular relative is horrible for you, stay away. you are mourning the death of your loved one, your sanity is at stake.

im lighting a candle for you little sister. breathe in breathe out. take good care of yourself.

[schmuls]

7. Oh thank you. You really identified with a lot of what I am going

through. Menopause really got to me physically and mentally. Unfortunately, the medications I was on resulted in some of the worse times in my life. But I am through with that now, just left with the guilt that I have to work on. Thanks for your kind words and support.