Birthday depression

[undergroundpanther]

Does anyone else ever get really depressed on their own birthday, I don't mean getting sad about getting older and all that as time goes by stuff.

I mean depressed by being reminded how much you wish you were never born kinda depression?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will open my gifts ,eat some ice cream cake, and while I do, I put on a happy face and be a gracious accepter of festivities,but inside I feel such despair such a feeling of being trapped,I wish it was my last day instead of another prison annaversary..when it's all over I'll probably crawl in bed and cry in the dark.

This world is so perverse,this culture so hopelessly sick,everything is dying and rejoicing in the denial of how sick it all is and this horrid cruelty the domination games and stupidity,it would be sickening if I was watching it on TV,much worse living in the middle of it.It feels like Sisyphus. I am sensitive and I can't numb it away,I can't build a castle in my mind and go live there..

It really is hard to cope with things emotionally. Take a bath ,drink hot tea,I can't,because I can't escape the pain.

I feel like asking my shrink for a lobotomy for my birthday when I see him this week. Maybe when he shuts the office door,I'll hand him an icepick,and an alcohol wipe, and point at my twitchy eye and say make my brain stop please.....but I don't think he'd do it,and I don't think he'd laugh either..

[Bluerthanblue]

1. oh boy

do i understand. i despise my birthday. what makes it worse is that i got married on the same day.... and that was not a good thing. so it's a double dreadful day.

You and i share some similar woundings UP. Somehow it's hard to celebrate the day we arrived in this strange place. After realizing how difficult it was, i decided it was time to claim my control- My sons like to make a 'deal' over 'moms' day- And i usually would do as you say you plan on doing, perform as expected, put on the face, and pretend to be the 'cardboard cut-out mom' ... but this year, i said, lets just let this day be a day of being 'real'. I said that we would choose a day sometime spontaniously, when we can do something outrageous like a day trip to the ocean in early winter- or doing something totally different and call it 'my' day-

Birthday celebrations are so ..... overstressed in this world. We OUGHT to treat each other as if every day was a day to cherish and celebrate each other. But we don't. And the world tells us what to do, and what to expect, and when reality doesn't even come close to what we are 'sposed' to feel, or do, or get, it only adds to the feeling of being alienated. So, i wish for you UP a day when life feels somewhat less dark, where you can just celebrate the special person you are. It doesn't need to be cake and candles- unless you want it to be- and it doesn't have any 'rules' except that what brings you a measure of joy, or comfort is yours to have, without guilt, and without the notion that you aren't a person worth valueing and celebrating. Let me know when you have that day- ok? i'll send you all my good wishes- and i'll be thinking of you tomorrow, hoping that something special and GOOD surprises you- and brings you a cause to smile, or to feel loved. Because you are.
We are here for a reason. Even when that is hard to see, or when it feels overwhelming. i wish you peace in this crazy world, comfort for the sorrow and turmoil that chases us all, and love to warm you, and fill the empty places that keep trying to suck us inside ourselves forever-

blu

[undergroundpanther]

2. thanks blu.

I hear ya.when I figure out the day I'll let you know.

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever be ok.No I do not expect peace,bliss or good times. I just want a day without despair.

Because everyone else that I see seems to be able to cope. I don't know if they are faking it or not,but it seems they don't carry the pain I do or feel the intensity of what it is like I do. They are not walking sorrow.They are lucky they were not traumatized.They say trauma forever changes how you perceive the world.Well How do I unsee it? and isn't this idea that one should just"get over it" and move on or shuddap partly because non traumatized people can't feel it,that they are oblivious to how awful it is to live through it and have the scars kicking you years after-wards?
Dammit why don't more people understand that trauma ,social dominations and coercion is something that never really heals when a person carries scars from people who abuse you with it.If trauma does heal somehow I wish I could learn how to do it..NOW..I wish there was a spirit "out there"that really existed that gave a shit and could take the pain away and destroy the bullies,rapists,sociopaths,narcissists, and pedophiles and the"alphas" all over this planet.
But there is no such thing as a 'loving' god/dess that has any power here. Because if there was one I would despise it for not helping others or me heal or avoid trauma all together. I'd hate it for I have asked the "unknown" a billion times for some kind of help or intervention into the worlds pain and my pain and still it hurts and the assholes keep being assholes and everyone keeps playing make believe.

[bloom]

3. "everyone keeps playing make believe"

A week ago I was feeling worse than usual and I turned on Oprah - and she was having a show about women who "let themselves go" as she put it. Some overate - some underate - some never got their hair done (that would be me) - many tended to not leave the house, etc. Apparently she had done a survey and 78% of the respondents said that they did not feel worthy to live.

A lot of them stopped wanting to play make believe - but probably a lot of them still are playing - whether they feel like it or not. The number just astounds me. I don't really feel like playing either - esp. as you say - what with reading the news - being aware of so much of the crap that's going on - it's very depressing. I don't know how so many people can do it either. But here she was saying that 78% of these women (and I assume these are Oprah watchers - and I'm not exactly sure what that implies) - don't feel like there is a reason to live. So that only leaves 22% that do.

I don't know if that should make someone feel better (that they aren't alone) or worse (that there are so many people who feel like that.)

While I think that Oprah has a lot of great qualities and generally tries to be sympathetic and all - I also feel like her program tends to emphasize "buying stuff" as a way to happiness or something. Getting make-overs/clothes/redecorating/celebrities. So I don't usually watch it - unless there is a topic I find interesting.

She is selling a program for $24.95 that is supposed to make people feel better. (But the idea of it makes me feel worse).

sigh.

[knowbody0]

4. i have not watched in forever

but remember a make over episode. a natural woman, no make up, hair had not been cut in 20 years. her clothes were comfortable looking, earth tones (eddiebower type). her daughters were barbie dolls and they "suprised" her with the gift of coming to Oprah.

they cut off her hair and put her in a PINK (I kid you not) suit that hid her "girth", high heeled pointed toe shoes. they covered her age spots and inked her eyes and dyed her hair to a shinny red.

then they paraded her like a show dog, the audience clapping and cheering for the new and improved stepford looking woman.

she was embarassed and looked so hurt and sad. she put her hand up to where her hair had been, then withdrew it.

as i age, my hair is turning white and hangs to my waist the freckles are merging into little gatherings here and there. my tummy sticks out farther than my butt after a good meal. i wear practical clothing and shoes to fit the weather. so i know there are people hunting me for Oprah and im ready for them.

this is the most beautiful time in my life. i can be fucking invisible whenever i choose.

"Make Believe" really made me smile.

[Kire]

5. I just had my 30th birthday and people actually gave me presents.

that hasn't happened since I was an adolescent

it helped that I was in the middle of a major crisis that people were watching from afar, but I get depressed because nobody has parties for me, they just never have

I sound like a child, but once a year I think it's okay to want a party for myself.

I'm always made to feel like I should be an adult, and I should grow up and learn my lessons, but I just want to hold my teddy bear sometimes.

My grandmother will send a check, but I wish I had a group of friends that would prepare something in advance. Take me out to dinner and then when I get home the whole house will be filled with people I haven't seen in years. That's my dream.

[EFerrari]

6. A note on "make believe"

UP,

I hope you're feeling better.

Just wanted to mention this: One of the tricks Doug and I are trying to learn is "acting oppositely". I don't know it well enough to describe it clearly, perhaps, but the basic idea is that some people can change their mood by changing their behavior. It's a feedback loop, right? So, the idea is to use the part of the loop that is within your control to see if you can change your mood and your thinking to a better (less painful) place.

So, if sad, act happy, if angry, act pleasant -- that kind of thing. It really is literally "make believe" but it's very consciously done.

It seems to work better for people who are exquisitely sensitive. I don't know why.

If you're interested, I can try to find the worksheet in Marsha Linehan's workbook.

((((((((((((((underground panther))))))))))))))

I just hate that for you. :(