It's mental breakdown Wednesday on the Kerry group

[LittleClarkie]

I've been in a funk since Sunday.

I was going to a group bible study with a woman I've known and camped with for years. Off and on she will say things that bother me. This was one of those days.

I was telling her about a kid in my Sunday School who was taking First Communion class with the rest of the kids. The pastor let these 7 year olds sample the wine so they'd know what it tasted like. The other kids took tentative sips, while this one little boy downed it and then slammed the empty cup onto the rail like he was doing a shot.

At this point in the story, my friend asked "Did you teach him that?"

I babbled something about "Just because I drink once occasionally..."

"Occasionally?!"

Well, since my dad got sick, I have developed a tendancy to drink more than I used to. Even cracked up my car. She knows about this, but she has her father's tendancy to assume she knows more than she does, and also her father's tendancy to make remarks that tear at a person's self-esteem. Ironically, she talked about her father's thoughtless remarks during Bible Study that night. I silently thought to myself, "You are your father's daughter."

Anyway, we continued on our way to the study, with me still lamely trying to defend myself, when she suddenly asked me what the number of the house was. I finished my sentance, then told her. We'd already sailed past the house, so I commented on that, to which she replied "Well, if you hadn't been blathering on when I asked you for the number." So, now I'm blathering and I'm a lush who teaches 7 year olds how to do shots. Great.

It's upsetting me no end. I don't know if I have a drinking problem so much as this pub being my only social outlet. It's a Cheers sort of place, and the regulars are all relatively intelligent and about my age. We scream about politics and other topics. But the fact does remain that I do drink more since everything that happened with my dad. I never did this stuff when most people did it, right out of high school. I lived at home, for one thing. So when dad went into the nursing home, I was suddenly free to do whatever the hell I wanted.

I've had a couple of hairy moments, rather like a 40 year old college student, but I've been getting more sane since the pressure has been off dad-wise. None of which my non-drinking Baptist friend seems to realize. She's a black/white thinking Conservative as well, so that doesn't help.

She often jokes that I am her only friend. Sometimes I can see where perhaps that's not a joke. She can be quite intelligent, but she can also be quite an asshat.

I just needed to vent to somebody I guess. I hope you all don't mind. See Elshiva, you're not the only one with marble "issues."

[TayTay]

1. Hey kid, I hear ya!

The loss of a parent is one of the hardest things we have to cope with in life. This is a significant blow to every part of you and it takes time to get over it. How much time depends on the person and their individual emotional makeup. When my Dad passed away, I had 7 siblings to share the loss with. It will be different with you.

It is possible that you might want to talk to someone about this and about how you are coping and any problems you are having. (A face to face meeting with a real person.) If you have a good relationship with your Minister, then start there. (This depends on your Minister and how approachable and open he/she seems.) A skilled clergy person should be aware of how grief works and what the warning signs are that this particular grief is too much to bear alone. (Some griefs are simply too much to bear alone. That's what friends, family, virtual contacts and support systems are for. Use them. They can save your life.)

There are other support services available. There are people here who care for you and care about how you are doing and how you are feeling. We have all been through bad times that not all of us have handled in a textbook fashion. (It's called being human, kiddo. There are times when we just don't have the right User Manuals as to how to handle life's little crises. We have to figure it out through trial and error and relying on the opinions and kindness of others.)

Check in here and let us know what actions you are taking to deal with this. Sometimes grief doesn't just go away, it needs a little nudge. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it means that you need a little help. (As do we all from time to time.) Take the step, talk to someone, get an opinion you can trust. And check in and let us know how you are doing. There are a lot of caring people here who are rooting for you. Okay kiddo? And God Bless and be with you. You have my prayers.

[ginnyinWI]

2. I agree with TayTay--

it might help to get other people to talk it out with. The drinking may only be a temporary way you are coping, not that you are doomed to becoming an alcoholic. Maybe you could go to the pub for the sociability, but just drink mostly Cokes? We all go through some dark days. Hoping for the best for you, Little Clarkie! :pals:

[blm]

3. Heh. I drink once a week, now. Up from my old 2-3 times a month

that was my usual pattern for about 15 years. I didn't drink at all until I started drinking red wine at age 27. Starting later helped me be more responsible, I believe, not to mention being able to handle any consequences of being buzzed as an adult.

Still don't like hard alcohol, although I occasionally have a shot of Crown Royal.

I'm in my late 40s. I don't think the slight increase is harmful and I never drink enough to get drunk.

Just be mindful. Enjoy the taste of what you like more than the buzz and you should be just fine.

[TayTay]

4. Agreed.

This sort of thing is so hard when it's just a post on a thread. You miss the ah, nuances (sorry) of the story. LittleClarkie mentioned that there was a car incident. This is a red flag. If something ever happened, a really wonderful person like her (love ya sweetie) would not be able to live with herself. So it is better to seek help now. If it is not a problem, you have lost nothing. If it is a problem, then you have gained the world.

We all need help from time to time. I had a friend who committed suicide three years ago this past Jan 17th. I needed a shoulder to lean on for a little while after that horrible event. (She was only 27.) What got me through it was the knowledge that I did what I could but I am not God and can't help everyone. (Cold hard world we live in sometimes.) I also remembered my friend in her better times, with all her manic laughter and wild compassion. I pictured myself with her and asking how she would want to be remembered, with laughter or with tears. My imagination of her replied, with laughter, after the proper amount of tears. I try to remember her in a positive light and I do things in her positive memory and in that way, I move on. But that's just me. I would be a cruel human indeed to expect everyone to react as I would. I would hope that I am humble enough to offer a hand up, compassion and a reason for hope, as do we all.

[LittleClarkie]

5. Actually, I am in therapy

And the, um, wedding reception incident, was a bit of a wakeup call. Never go to one on an empty stomach, by the way, especially if it's open bar. That had never happened before, and I hope never again.

But I do have someone to talk to. She covered by my insurance, which is a blessing. Thanks for your support, guys, I appreciate it. It is getting better.

Even so, the thing that had me in sobbing hysterics last night wasn't the thought that I have a drinking problem. It was that someone would say even in jest that I would teach a seven year old how to do a shot.

When I told a friend about the comment, and his eyes got quite large. His first thought was that one of the boy's PARENTS taught him that technique. I hope not. That's a disturbing thought.

I think it's my Bush-voting, black-and-white seeing, Baptist friend who has a tendancy make these insensitive, esteem-deflating comments that had me in fits. She tend to make blanket comments based on limited information. Her father did the same to her, but she doesn't recognize it when she does it. He used to tell her she was too stupid to be an engineer, thinking that would motivate her. Instead, she believed him. So I know where the behavior comes from. But telliing myself that hasn't helped so far.

Actually, she's been a topic of a therapy session more than once too. It was just especially upsetting me last night. I guess between me and Elshiva it was sort of a domino effect. And I'm still hormonal woman for the second week in a row, so I'm sure that's part of it. And then there's the continued horror that is the Bush Admin. It tends to weight a person down after a while. It sometimes feels like we're a country of hate-mongers. How is THAT supposed to be Christian, I ask you.

[Withywindle]

6. I'm so sorry you're down...

...But I'm glad you're in therapy. It's done wonders for me, I'd recommend it, glad it's helping you too.

I would take things your friend says with a pound of salt. She was probably trying to make a joke and it wound up being insensitive and mean. Sounds like she's a little short in the empathy and tact department. I hope she has other redeeming qualities that make the friendship worth continuing, but this sounds like a problem of hers and NOT your fault and NOT something you should take to heart.

My first thought would be that it came from the parents too, the 7-year-old doing a shot thing. Kids learn by imitating. If he's ever seen his parents doing it, he might imitate it. (And it's not necessarily an alcoholic-family thing; if he just saw it once at a New Year's party or something he could pick it up. Kids are very observant.)

And I agree completely that those of us who follow politics and care about this country have a LOT of very legitimate reasons to be depressed right now! May this forum stay a safe and friendly place for folks to come and get support when we need it!

[TayTay]

9. I am so relieved

It is almost impossible to have a conversation like this on line (well, for me.) There are interactions, facial expressions, body language that you pick up with people face to face that are not possible in just written text. Some things get emphasized that weren't the ones you wanted and it is easy to take away the wrong items for emotional perusal. My apologies if I suggested anything untoward or incorrect. Again, sigh, I missed the nuances of what you were trying to actually say and may have substituted my own inferences. In my own defense, I have had a few people close to me killed in preventable accidents, so it is a moral imperative for me to speak up when I think it might be warranted. I could not do otherwise and live with myself.

I also have insensitive friends and relatives. Self-righteousness doesn't really look good on anyone, least of all people we think of as potentially supportive for us. Don't let the bastards get you down. They don't define you, you define you. You know your own value and worth so don't let one idiotic remark destroy what you spent a lifetime building up. And take care and be well.

[LittleClarkie]

11. It's okay, that was an alarming bit of the story

waking up just as one goes over a curb onto someone's lawn is nothing to take lightly. It wasn't good, but I know what happened in part had to do with not eating all day. Even so, it is good that I am in therapy.

Eh, this too shall pass. When I'm feeling more assured such remarks don't necessarily phase me. But John and I share that sort of geeky childhood where we weren't much liked in school. Every once in a while, I get all insecure. It's nice to be able to type about it, actually. I'm so much better at expressing myself this way than with words. If only I could take a red pen to my thoughts before they come out my mouth. But alas.

Thanks for being a shoulder to lean on just the same.

[TayTay]

12. 'is my distinct pleasure.

I can't drink anymore. This is not a virtuous thing on my part, as drinking gives me migraine. (I have half a glass of lager beer and bam, I get the hatchet embedded in my head. Sigh! And I love beer. Hell, my brother used to homebrew oatmeal stout for me. Yummy.) So, I feel funny talking to anyone about drinking. Makes me feel like I'm preaching and I haven't earned that right.

You are a special person, you know that. You saw a potential problem in yourself and admitted it and have sought help. And you have guts enough to talk about it in public. If more people could do that, the world would be a better place. Again, God bless and good luck.

[Hans Delbrook]

10. I can sympathize

Alcoholism runs in my family and I worry all the time that I enjoy my date nights w/ the hubby (when we split a bottle of wine) just a little too much. I even thought I should give up the wine part and it really bothers me that I feel deep down like that would ruin the whole "date night" thing.

The only other thing I can contribute is to say stick w/ the therapy (it did me a world of good!) and MAYBE, just MAYBE think about dumping the toxic friend. I know this is harsh but I had a good friend who had self-esteem issues and was fine w/ me when we were both single (and occasionally lonely). But then I met my husband and started dating seriously. The jibes started mildly at first - mean little comments and digs that you could almost think were unintentional. It finally got to the point where I left a Xmas lunch in tears because of her vitriol and barely concealed resentment. I finally decided enough was enough and I broke off the friendship. It was the best thing I could have done for my mental health.

I think it's easier to take meanness from a stranger than from someone who's supposed to be a friend.

[sandnsea]

7. Kid probably saw it on the Simpsons

I'm not a parent blamer when it comes to weird things kids do. Or even a TV blamer. Kids pick up weird things. And come up with some on their own.

My daughter used her poopy to draw pictures on the walls. :shrug:

Alcoholism. It's a problem when it interferes with your daily life. When it takes you places you wouldn't have gone otherwise, or keeps you from going places you want to go. Otherwise, have a drink or 3, enjoy! (22 years sober here)

I don't know what it is with Baptists, they sure say some stupid shit. After my house burned to the ground, one told me that God wouldn't let that happen to her. (But He let it happen to me???) :crazy: My sister invited me to church and when I tried to explain my religious beliefs don't tend to go well with church (and it came out strange), she said "We have poor people at our church too".

Sorry you're having such a hard time. You'll find your way. :hug:

[JohnKleeb]

8. Baptists are pretty weird

I am sorry about your house btw.

[elshiva]

13. Yep, it's funk time.

Go ahead and vent. It's terrible when people go after you for little things like that, being holier than thou or more liberal than thou.