"S/he's in a better place." I hate it when people say that about a dead person.

[raccoon]

I suppose they mean well, but it's a slap in the face to the bereaved. Even IF the bereaved persons believe in a fabulous afterlife, they still grieve for the person who died.

And if they don't believe in an afterlife, the remark makes no sense whatsoever.

[we can do it]

1. Me Too- Nothing Like Being Locked In a Dark Cold Coffin

or turned to ashes.

[nc4bo]

15. But you know what?

If someone's been suffering from cancer or other horrible, painful disease, wouldn't that cold coffin be considered relief and a better place?

Even if no one dares say it out loud, I'd be sure some one would be thinking it.

I certainly did after watching my Aunt's uterine cancer eat her alive.

[we can do it]

54. No. See Post 5

[joeybee12]

2. I don't like it either, but I do admit that it is consoling for a lot of people

who do believe in heaven or whatever.

[old mark]

3. Rec! If death is so much better, why are so many people afraid to go?

Great post.


mark

[Mari333]

18. I'm not.

[old mark]

48. I certainly won't press you on that. nt

[gateley]

4. There's a slew of 'condolences' that make me grind my teeth, but people really

feel they're helping when they say stuff like that. Except for the woman who looked at my dad in the casket and said "Oh! He suffered!" :7 I actually laughed because it was SUCH an awful thing to say!

[TeeYiYi]

5. I hate that one too...

"No longer suffering" might be appropriate, but "in a better place" is just ignorant and presumptuous.

TYY

[PCIntern]

6. Well, is IS "God's Plan"...right?

...like God needed to kill these 25 miners for a good purpose,I guess he's a sharholder in the mineing company... or 6 million Jews, or 12 million Russians, or the victims on 9/11, or...

[humblebum]

7. I can see it means different things to different people. I can see

nothing wrong with it myself. If a person is a believer and a loved one has died a natural death or from a long illness, then it makes a lot of sense and can give mourning people hope and comfort. But, I can see how that may not be the case if a young life is ended tragically.

[Gormy Cuss]

8. I've noticed that remark is common among Roman Catholics

and you're right, it makes no sense to nonbelievers nor to people from faiths that don't use that phrase.

[onehandle]

32. I've noticed that remark is common among Bowlers.

In fact I've noticed it is more common amongst Bowlers than Roman Catholics.

[Gormy Cuss]

43. I don't hang out with enough Bowlers to notice that.

[Deep13]

9. Agreed. I guess a "better place" is away from his loved ones.

I heard that when my father died. He was 51. He just retired from his rat race job to train service dogs and manage his tree farm. A year later, a stroke killed him. His daughter was pregnant with his first grand child at the time. Yeah, good thing he missed all that! Anyway, it's not like he was ever offered a choice.

[Blue_In_AK]

10. I can see where they might be in a better place

if their final years or days were filled with a lot of pain and suffering. The people who are NOT in a better place, at least emotionally, are the survivors.

[dchill]

11. What bothers me about it...

is the absolute certainty with which it is imputed.

[ProdigalJunkMail]

23. what's the point of a belief

if you don't BELIEVE it???

sP

[dchill]

40. Well, that IS the question.

:hi:

[Journeyman]

12. People say many awkward and sometimes inappropriate things in moments of discomfort. . .

I try to accept them for what the speaker intends: a genuine expression of concern given honestly in an attempt to console the bereaved.

As I figure it, why add to my sorrow by taking offense at another person's expression of support? Better to prepare my own responses, so I might provide solace without embarrassing myself.

[Skittles]

13. it is sanctimonious shit

[pinto]

14. I think it's awkward for most of us. People always reach for an appropriate thing to say.

Sometimes, nothing said seems to fit; sometimes nothing said save showing up, fits so well. Anything said from the heart, I feel, works.

[Drunken Irishman]

16. I think it depends on the person's situation.

Death can be a blessing. There are people who spend their final days in so much pain and agony that death is their only relief.

In that regard, certainly I would agree that person is in a better place. Even if that place doesn't exist.

But if it's a twelve year old kid who's hit by a car and dies? Na'. It makes little sense to say that.

[Sylvarose]

17. I don't know...

...after my Mom spent almost 18 years in a nursing home being ravaged by MS...losing her lucidity..her ability to swallow correctly...most of her kidney function...etc...and ultimately dying from pneumonia...I thought saying "She's in a better place" was pretty apt.

Truly..I think a person means well..and it really does depend on the circumstance. Loss and grief are all experienced in different ways. I'm truly sorry for whatever loss you have experienced.

I do understand to some degree what you meant though, Raccoon. During those long years of Mom's life, I grew to be really tired of the phrase, "How's your mother?" I knew it was a polite question motivated by concern and care but there was no real polite or easy answer to that one.

SR

[TeeYiYi]

29. I'm watching....

... my mom go through this right now. She's still at home, but I don't know for how long. She seems to be in a real downhill slide.

I would have sent you a private message instead of hijacking the thread, but you can't receive them yet.

Welcome to DU. :hug:

TYY

[Sylvarose]

41. You're in my thoughts

..what you are going through..I really wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a hard thing. Know thought that you can still find laughter in the odd moments as well as peace. :hug:

Next month, once again I'll be participating in a local MS Walk in honor of my late mother and those who are afflicted with this disease. I'll be sure to take a moment to think of you and yours.

SR

[WolverineDG]

19. No it's not

of course, I'm speaking from my experience of having been on the receiving end of sympathies for a deceased loved one too many times to count. There aren't too many things people can say to express sympathy & for many people, "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to be enough. I knew what they meant when they said that.

Now, if someone wants to be an asshole & get all offended about it, that's their business.

dg

[Warren DeMontague]

20. There is no 'right way' to deal with death.

Different approaches are probably appropriate for different situations. If I was fairly certain that "S/he's in a better place" would make the bereaved feel better, I would say it. Usually "I'm so very sorry for your loss" covers it. From my experience, when you're very close to someone who just died, you're not paying all that much attention to what other people are saying to you, anyway- you have other things on your mind. But YMMV.

[Zhade]

21. It's the grownup equivalent of hiding under the covers to escape the monsters.

It's comforting, but wholly pointless given the complete lack of evidence for souls or an afterlife.

I never say it. But I let others keep their delusions while they're grieving.

[Warren DeMontague]

24. Maybe not existing is absolutely wonderful, like a constant orgasm.

Who knows? :shrug:

In that case, maybe the person IS in a better place, sans souls or an afterlife.

[iris27]

44. ????

I'm pretty sure not existing is just...you know...not existing. Kinda like how it was before you were born.

[raccoon]

33. I like the way you said that.

"It's the grownup equivalent of hiding under the covers to escape the monsters."

[Brickbat]

22. I totally, totally agree.

[onehandle]

25. The context of that usually involves someone who is suffering in life.

Any excuse to belittle the feelings and beliefs of others at Intolerance Underground.

Whatever.

[OneTenthofOnePercent]

26. Itr sure beats the hell out of saying, "Yeah, this is probably your fault. Dibs on the stereo."

:shrug:

[Warren DeMontague]

28. "He still owes me twenty bucks. Do you have your wallet with you?" nt

[OneTenthofOnePercent]

31. Banks do that shit all the time. And it's usually more than twenty too.

[Warren DeMontague]

35. Yeah, well, if you could just get out of your debts by dying, don't you think

everyone would start doing it? :shrug:

[teknomanzer]

27. It may be better than saying...

"Everybody dies..."

I made the mistake of saying something like that to my father (certainly not that blunt but that was the essence of what I said) when my grandmother was suffering from colon cancer. He did not react very well. I have since learned that its just best for me to just stay quiet when people are grieving.

[liberal N proud]

Or "They are out of their misery now"

[Mind_your_head]

30. Mebbe saying, "s/he is in a better place" is a way of saying.....

we're in agreement that this place SUCKS generally, so let's HOPE that unconsciousness is bliss OR there really is something better on the other side? :shrug:

I dunno...maybe I'm being 'silly', but the sayer of such a phrase "means well" in an uncomfortable situation.

Peace to you for whatever reason you thought to start this post. :hug:

[Jim__]

34. It depends on the situation.

If the people present believe in an afterlife, then the comment is probably intended as a comfort. And, probably taken that way too. If you're not sure of the other people's beliefs, then it would be best not to say that.

[RT Atlanta]

36. I see your point

I also dont like the phrase "laid to rest." There are some "newscasters" here in Atlanta that use this phrase when a story involves a dead person's funeral services and interment. Dead people are buried or interred, not "resting."

A living person may lay down to rest, but not the dead.

[WolverineDG]

46. would you prefer "planted?"

Newscasters, & by extension papers that print obituaries, use such euphemisms because they know the families & friends of the deceased are watching/reading. "Died of a sudden illness" could mean a horrific car accident or murder, but you don't want to include the details of that in the obituary. The person's family & friends (& if it made the news, the community at large) already know how the person died, so there is no need to remind them. It's considered to be the polite & courteous thing to do.

dg

[RT Atlanta]

47. buried or interred, as noted above

n/t

[Tailormyst]

37. Yup

All the churchy comforts infuriated me after my godson died at age 4. He had no life. He suffered constantly for 3 long years. No talking , hearing, no eating, no moving, no function except pain and seizures. Tay Sachs is a horrible way to live/die. Every "He's safe with God now" I wanted to scream "WTF was god while this innocent was suffering, you god is a cruel cruel god." It took a lot for his mother to not lash out at people.

If a death is sudden or extremely painful, just say you are sorry and you are here is the family needs anything. For goodness sake, don't invoke god or say that god has a "plan".

[NNN0LHI]

38. Oh my, doesn't she/he look so good?

Motherscratcher, if you want to tell someone they look good please do it while they are still alive! Don't wait until I am in a casket to tell me "I look good.", for chrissakes! No one ever looks good dead.

Thats my pet peeve.

Don

[Name removed]

39. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[kirby]

42. Or 'it was a painless death...he/she didnt feel a thing'

I mean who the hell knows.

[iris27]

45. Yeah -- bonus points if the person saying it was instrumental in

making life pretty shitty for the deceased. I about ground my teeth down to nubs when my gay uncle died, and my relatives all comforted one another with this trite nonsense, considering that they'd played no small part in alienating him from the family to being with.

[damntexdem]

49. Then hope that no one says it to you.

However, some are comforted by it.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

50. I hate when people say to the bereaved

"Oh, he (the dead guy) would have just loved this funeral." Really? He's fucking dead now and you mention how much he would enjoy something IF HE WERE FUCKING ALIVE?

People mean well but just don't think about the effect their words have on others.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

51. A few months ago, I attended the funeral of a young woman who had overdosed

The priest, who lost a child of his own many years ago, reeled off the list of dumb things that people say to the bereaved. "This was not God's will. This is not her punishment for taking drugs. This is not for the best, and please, God did not need another angel."

[eShirl]

52. +1

[charlie]

53. I like that guy

He probably did the family a big favor.

A while after my nephew died, I learned how much of a trial it was for my sis to bear cloying solicitude from people who were already a burden to her. It IS possible to make the worst day of someone's life worse.