Now Playing! The "Reefer Madness" of Internet porn!

[onager]

On...yep, you already guessed...LMN, the Lifetime Movie Network.

So I was bumbling around the house this morning, turned on the TV, and saw a movie title I couldn't resist:

cyber seduction - His Secret Life (from 2005).

I expected it to be alarmist, cheesy and clueless. But this sucker exceeded my wildest expectations. Like most Lifetime movies dealing with Teens Facing Contemporary Social Problems, it seems to have been written by 60-year-old far-right Xian conservatives from the Family Research Council or Concerned Women of America.

This one had EVERYTHING!!! And more!!! It was HUGH AND SER!US1!1 The evil Internet is IN YOUR HOUSE AND STALKING YOUR CHILDREN WITH PORN! Bugga-bugga!

You gotta see it! Let's run down the checklist...

--check: 16-year-old star athlete/student who becomes slack-jawed, drooling slacker after seeing cleavage on the internet. Once. Later the flick tries to gin up a subplot about him graduating to kinky bondage sites. But all we get is a few pics of people who look (fully) dressed to go scuba diving.

--check: Concerned Mom who works at a computer all day but has never figured out how to look at a Web cache. TITILLATING BONUS: Concerned Mom is played by Kelly Lynch. She got naked and boned by Patrick Swayze in Road House, and did a great job playing a dope addict/criminal in Gus Van Sant's Drugstore Cowboy.

--check: a twofer! Commercials for Jesus, relayed by extremely virginal and annoying girlfriend Amy. Prominently displayed in her bedroom - My First Book About Jesus. She yammers about going to church and how important her faith is, etc.

To be contrasted with...

--check: Internet Bad Girl, Monica, who has her own website where she blows...well, only kisses, dammit. And occasionally tugs on her top to reveal a saucy bra strap. She's obviously at least a first cousin to the Whore Of Babylon, since she has a pierced navel and listens to Green Day. I hope Green Day sues Lifetime for even being associated with this crap movie.

One of the most hilarious setups in the plot:

--check: Porn addict's younger brother downloads a CD full of porn (why?). Then hides it in his underwear drawer! Hey dipshit, you're 10 years old and your Mom still does your laundry! And PUTS IT AWAY IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER!

Now if you were trying to hide your porn stash, what title would you write on the CD? "Math Homework?" "History Project?" "Cool Stuff?"

Well, if you were this idiot, you would write on the CD in big, bold black Sharpie letters...VIRGIN VAGINAS!!!

--also hilarious: porn addict gets in trouble for using his Mom's credit card to BUY INTERNET PORN! In 2005? Who was dumb enough to be PAYING for internet porn by 2005?

My inner 10-year-old can't help pointing out two more Titillating Bonuses:

The family whose life is wracked by The Scourge Of Internet Porn? Their name is PETERsen.

And Internet Bad Girl Monica is played by an actress named Nicole DICKER.

I just don't have enough of these little guys...

:rofl:

[Ian David]

1. Porn is the biggest threat since Dungeons & Dragons!

[Cassandra]

2. I now know more about internet porn...

than I did 5 minutes ago.
I always knew the RW was crazy, though.

[Regret My New Name]

3. Man, I soooo hope this is on pirate bay...

I'm burning some DVDs and labeling them "Not Virgin Vagina!!!"

[onager]

4. I checked around and couldn't find it.

Let me know if you have better luck.

Honestly, I've watched a lot of so-called comedies recently. And none of them were as funny as this thing.

[Regret My New Name]

5. found this on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MryZfH7Joog

I found a torrent but I think it's dead...

[d_b]

6. Let them eat Goatse

[frogmarch]

7. Drat! I almost watched it today, but

opted for a rerun on the ID channel instead. Sorry I missed it. I could have used a good laugh or two. :-)