The Rude Pundit: When Dick Cheney Visited the Boys at Boys State

[meegbear]

When he entered the space of boys, the gathered children felt the air temperature drop precipitously and each of them shivered in their pubescent balls, not so much from the encroaching cold, but from the approaching presence of unmitigated evil, Baal-like in his power and mastery of the dark arts. The smaller ones wept, the older ones attempted to stand there bravely, but they felt, in their guts, the nauseating desire to cry out, to warn, to run. However, the doors were blocked by armed members of the Secret Service, and, even though the corrupt stench of his slime trail permeated the fibers of their clothes and their very pores, even though his pustulant sight tore wide open the repressed nightmares of their psyches, the male children of Wyoming were forced to listen to Vice President Dick Cheney speak to them at their Boys State Conference.

When Cheney speaks, everything is framed by the demonic circle of events that surrounds him, so that even the most mundane pronouncements sound like threats. The boys gasped in horror, wondering what Cheney expected of them when he said, "Getting involved in public affairs, whether it's local, state, or national, takes hard work, it takes discipline, and occasionally it takes sacrifice." They pissed themselves, thinking of Cheney showing up at their homes when he said, "If you work hard, follow through on your commitments, and show yourself to be honest and trustworthy, people are going to notice and they're going to want associate with you." And, bizarrely, he said that he had to be forced, drafted, detained, if you will, into being a heartbeat away from the Presidency: "Running for my current job as Vice President in 2000 was a notion that came out of the blue, and, obviously, it was somebody else's idea. I was not a volunteer."

Even the hardened patriotic boys of the American Legion-run Boys State had to swallow acrid bile and vomit in order to stand up and ask Dick Cheney questions. And, Christ, those kids were tough, putting reporters to shame, asking things like, "How do you reconcile your administration's stand on gay partnerships with your devotion to your lesbian daughters?" and "How do you think your longstanding personal and financial ties to the oil industry have affected the construction of American energy and defense policies?" and "How many of us are you going to bleed for an aperitif later on?" No, not really, but, goddamn, that would have been cool. But here's what Cheney was asked and how he did not answer:

"Given 40 years experience, what kind of values or philosophy did you develop and operate by that you might share with us?" Deciding to go with a visual, Cheney pulled out the horribly maimed head of an Iraqi woman and proceeded to fuck its eyehole. After a moment or two, a grunt or two, he zipped back up and said, "There's my philosophy? Any questions?" before tossing the head into the audience. Perhaps not unexpectedly, Cheney gave the same answer to "I was wondering what you think a good deed is."

"What was Boys State like when you were our age?" The Vice President talked about the savage orgies they would have while worshiping mad gods, sacrificing the most virginal among them and rubbing themselves to ecstasy with the child's viscera. Kind of like parties at the VP residence in DC.

One especially brave boy actually asked Dick Cheney, "Do you still think that the Iraq war can be won? And do you think we need to institute a draft to get the job done?" Cheney actually responded with a thumbnail version of every talking point the administration has, adding, ominiously, "This is a struggle we're going to be involved in certainly as long as I'm alive, and probably as long as you're alive." And then the boy was taken away. Some say they've found pieces of him in Saskatchewan.

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[The Magistrate]

1. An Excellent Piece, Sir: The Man Is A Master Of the Craft