Does the Republican platform outlaw Masturbation?

[question everything]

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Dirty secret created camp against Carona

By FRANK MICKADEIT
The Orange County Register

The whole anti-Carona split within the O.C. Republican Party? Turns out it's over masturbation.

Would have been one thing if his opponents had gotten up Monday night at the Republican Central Committee meeting and said: "We question the sheriff's judgment vis-a-vis Jaramillo/Haidl, and we have concerns about allegations of sexual harassment, so let's not endorse."

But what was Carona's sin? Backing a couple of Democrats in nonpartisan local races. According to one of Carona's chief detractors, Lupe Moreno, the sheriff supported a Democrat who believes masturbation can be discussed at school. Kind of a stretch in a race for sheriff, no?

(snip)

After this astounding outburst, I went up to Probolsky and, as the meeting was still going on, whispered, "I wasn't aware the Republican platform outlaws masturbation." Had he been sipping yeast-killing cranberry juice at that moment (as he was later in the Hyatt Regency bar), it would have come shooting out his nose. Larry Dick, who was standing there, said, "If it does, we're all in a lot of trouble."

With Scott Baugh gone, I sought someone who might represent the pro-masturbation wing of the Republican Party and found Henchman, er, Fleischman, who said in his most spokesmanlike voice, "I believe (the GOP platform) is silent on the issue."

(snip)

http://www.ocregister.com/ocregister/news/local/article_1109470.php

[saltpoint]

1. I think Jeff Gannon should be dispatched to cover this story at once.

What is yeast-killing cranberry juice? Is it different from regular cranberry juice? How many kinds of cranberry juice are there, anyway? I'm very concerned. Maybe yeast-killing cranberry juice should be banned before masturbation is. It's a question of priorities.

Also glad to hear the Orange County Sheriff's race is addressing the imperative issues of our time.

[Mojambo]

2. Can't waste that life giving god-juice. n/t

[marbuc]

5. If one does choose to masturbate

The semen must be collected and preserved. Not doing so is abortion, since that sperm could have potentially grown into a human embryo.

[Mojambo]

6. Great. There goes all MY spare time.

Does anyone know of a place that sells discount jars?

[saltpoint]

8. You could join a faith-based initiative.

Nah, you're right. Stick with the jars.

[Clark2008]

10. So it's OK for women then.

We can masterbate and not waste any life-giving fluids. Sorry guys! :evilgrin:

[NoAmericanTaliban]

3. Spilling male seed is against the 'bible'...

Sex should only be used for impregnating women not for pleasure is what the hard core fundies believe. Too bad that most of them are the biggest perverts around. They have been trying to get masturbation out of school sex education for a while. If they could outlaw it they would & would start up a new police unit to enfore it which they will all be members of
- The Jerk Off Squad

People all around would be in total fear of this new enforcement unit & will yell warnings to each other when they are spotted - 'Watch out the Jerk Offs are coming' cry will be heard around the nation. A new TV series will be created - Law & Order: Jerk Off (dun dun) :)

[dansolo]

11. You'd think that encouraging masturbation

Would make abstinence more palatable.

[cassiepriam]

4. Repugs: Sex very very bad, stealing very very good nt

[AnnieBW]

7. If you outlaw masturbation

Only outlaws will masturbate! :D

[Bluesplayer]

9. If you must stop,

Do not try to go cold-jerky!

[auburngrad82]

12. How can it? The GOP supports a jackoff for a pResident!

Liberal bumper stickers

[Efilroft Sul]

13. Leave it to a bunch of jackoffs to outlaw the pursuit of happiness. N/T