What if other directors tackled "The Passion of the Christ"?

[Tummler]

David Lynch's The Passion of the Christ: When Jesus (Kyle MacLachlan) discovers a severed ear in the Garden of Gethsemane, he embarks on a dark journey into the sordid underbelly of Jerusalem.

Peter Jackson's The Passion of the Christ: It's much like the Gospel of Matthew, except Jackson leaves out a lot of things and adds superfluous plot elements (e.g., a romantic subplot involving Joseph of Arimathea and the woman caught in adultery). Nerds everywhere proclaim it "better than the original."

Spike Lee's The Passion of the Christ: Jesus (Ray Allen) is tormented by greedy, sadistic Jews for hours on end. Cameo by NBA defensive wiz Bruce Bowen as a Roman centurion who scourges Jesus.

John Woo's The Passion of the Christ: Jesus (Chow Yun-Fat) is a maverick Jerusalem cop who is marked for death when he starts investigating Triad money-changing activities at the Temple. Before dying in a blaze of glory, he takes down 436 bad guys with a slingshot. At the moment of death, doves ascend to the heavens in slow motion.

M. Night Shyamalan's The Passion of the Christ: Jesus (Bruce Willis) spends two hours slowly discovering that he is, indeed, the Messiah. The "twist ending" (Jesus isn't really dead!) is hailed by critics as a stroke of genius.

Jackie Chan's The Passion of the Christ: J.C. (Jackie Chan) is a lovable goof who barely escapes crucifixion using only his wits and his supernaturally good martial-arts skills.

David Chase's The Passion of the Christ: Barabbas (James Gandolfini) pulls strings with corrupt officials Caiaphas and Pontius Pilate to have Jesus whacked.

Kevin Smith's The Passion of the Christ: Jesus (Ben Affleck) deliberates whether to make a move on Mary Magdalene (who is possibly a lesbian) while his apostles Jay (son of Zebedee) and Silent Robert smoke marijuana and make vulgar jokes.

Vince McMahon's The Passion of the Christ: After Jesus (Steve "Sting" Borden) is predictably betrayed by Judas (Lex Luger), he must fight impossible odds to retake the title King of the Jews in a star-studded pay-per-view event. Features Ric Flair as John the Baptist, The Rock as Peter, Goldberg as Joseph of Arimathea, the Undertaker as Satan, Hulk Hogan as King Herod, Stephanie McMahon as Mary Magdalene, Eric Bischoff as Pontius Pilate, Triple H as Augustus Caesar, and Vince McMahon as God.

Alejandro Jodorowsky's The Passion of the Christ: Jesus (Jodorowsky) is an alchemist who transmutes his own feces into a substance that can be consumed to confer salvation (i.e., total enlightenment and self-realization).



What others can you think of? I've left a lot of big-name directors for DUers to play with . . .

[Toby109]

1. How about some past directors?

Sam Peckinpah: Jesus(Charles Bronson)is beaten to a bloody pulp in slow motion and crucified. He then returns from the dead and wreaks vengeance on his enemies in a series of even bloodier reprisals, also in slow motion.

Frank Capra: Jesus(Jimmy Stewart)escapes from his Roman persecutors, moves to Bedford Falls with Mary Magdalene and lives happily ever after.

[BurtWorm]

2. Woody Allen's The Passion of the Christ

Jesus is a nebbish whose attempt to foment revolution in Judaea winds up getting him crucified.

[Adenoid_Hynkel]

3. did u see snl's benny hill version of the passion?

JC Godson and Company?

one of their better bits in a while

[Aristus]

4. (Terry Gilliam)

A Nazarene ne'er-do-well is mistaken for the Messiah and adored by downtrodden thousands before ending up on a Cross himself.








Oh. Wait. It's been done.

[BigMcLargehuge]

7. romanus aunt domus?

Roman go house?

[billyf65]

5. Coen Brothers

Jesus (George Clooney), spends the night of the last supper with Mary Magdalene (Frances McDormand) and his Apostles (John Turturo, Steve Buscemi). After being turned over to Pilate (John Goodman), ironic misunderstandings abound. As he's being crucified, Jesus insists he is, in fact, not Jesus Christ. He just wanted his rug back - because it really tied the room together.

[Tummler]

6. "Say what you want about the tenets of the Romans..."

"...at least they had an ethos."

I was hoping someone would suggest a Coen version!

[FunBobbyMucha]

16. "Shut the fuck up, Judas!"

You're out of your element!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

19. Dude, the Samaritan is not the issue!

[Tummler]

8. More on the Vince McMahon version

Two of the apostles would be Hillbilly James and Andrew the Giant.

[Insider]

9. quentin tarantino

robert deniro, chazz palminteri, chris penn, steve buscemi, harvey keitel, samuel l. jackson, ving rhames, eric stoltz

and it COULD NOT be more bloody

[solinvictus]

10. Oliver Stone's "Passion of the Christ"

Jesus, a political maverick, is crucified after gaining a large following in Jerusalem. When He arrived at the hearing, Pilate's wife smiles and gives him some flowers saying "You can't say Jerusalem hasn't been good to you." The betrayal conspiracy comes out with the disciples detaining Judas Iscariot for his crime. They keep him in a hidden dungeon and as they take him to a tribunal, an unknown tax collector stabs Judas in a hallway. Pilate's chief enforcement officer smells a rat. He follows a trail linking the Pharisees, a Roman cabal, and arms shipments to the "Fair Play for Phoenicia" committee. Mysteriously, the Roman barrister finds a trail of death in his wake as all the people he interviews turn up as "suicides".

[Tummler]

11. Any more contributions?

The Wachowskis
The Farrellys
Wes Anderson
Tim Burton
Hitchcock
Spielberg
Lucas
Christopher Guest
Abrahams/Zucker/Zucker
Cronenberg
etc., etc., etc. ...

[Tummler]

12. Charlton Heston's The Passion of the Christ

Jesus is only captured and crucified because the Romans have confiscated all the firearms in Judea. In the final scene, Heston discovers a giant cross halfway buried on the beach and screams "Damn you! Damn you to hell!"

[Tummler]

13. George Lucas' "The Roman Empire Strikes Back"

Episode III in the Christ Wars series. It's an adaptation of Kurosawa's Twelve Apostles, but dumbed down for eight-year-olds.

[tjwash]

14. Quentin Tarantino's passion...

The Roman centurions debate for hours the proper way to prepare a lamb for sacrifice while simultaneously flogging Jesus. Quentin has Harvey Keitel play Pontius Pilate, and plays the role of Judas himself.

[BurtWorm]

15. Martin Scorcese presents: Jesus and the Mooks

It's a story of a Goodfella getting caught in the crossfire between the Gangs of Jerusalem. "Hey! Jesus! You think I'm funny? You tawkin' ta me? S'matter? I'm not good enough for you?" *whap!*

[FunBobbyMucha]

17. David Fincher's Christ Club!

Scripted by Paluhniak, Jeez (Ed Norton) is led around by his nose by Mary Magdalene (an image-shattering portrayal by Jodie Foster) and an oddball angel (Brad Pitt).

Helena Bonham Carter is the Virgin Mary.

The moneylenders-outta-da-temple scene is an orgy of slick camera work and editing, set to a Chemical Brothers' remake of the Lounge Lizards' version of "Money (That's What I Want)."

In the final moments of the film, after the extreme macro/CGI dolly from an aerial shot of Jesus being laid out on the cross straight down thru the hammer and down the side of the nail into the exploding palm wound, Jeez realizes that Pitt is actually Satan, tempting him to come down off the cross ("You look like fuckin' Ray Bolger up there!"), that Foster and Bonham are each actually the other actress' character, while a crowd of over-enthused apostles chant "In death, He has a name!"

Oh, and Pontius Pilate is a mall cop.

[BurtWorm]

18. Barbra Streisand's "Color Him Jesus"

starring Barbra Streisand as Jesus, a driven, misunderstood, overly talented demi-god who is resurrected after a brutal audition.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

20. Tim Burton's "The Passion of the Christ"

Jesus (Johnny Depp) is troubled by the fact that he has nails growing out of his hands and feet. Thus he can not ever hold Mary Magdelaine (Helena Bonham Carter). People hit him and beat him and eventually crucify him because he's a freak. But deep down inside he has a really, really big heart. Only his loving Mother (Catherine O'Hara) and Mary Magdelaine understand. Score by Danny Elfman, of course.

[MisterP]

21. Peter Jackson:

starts at Isaiah, rolls on through I Corinthians, but skips the Crucifixion due to time constraints

[Interrobang]

22. I might as well weigh in on my forte here...

Stephen Norrington's "Christ Blade": After dying through horrible tortures by a gang of Roman vampires, Christ rises as an undead spectre and proceeds to wreak havoc on Roman Judea, staking one vampire Roman after another in a series of goofily gory escapades.

Leif Junker's "The Passion of the Christ": Using beautiful yet dizzying cinematography that often violates the 180-degree rule, Junker brings us an incredibly gory yet spellbinding tale of infighting between rival supernatural beings -- Yahweh and Mithras -- and their mortal pawns in ancient Roman Judea. After Yahweh's main pawn (called "The Son of God") is crucified by Mithra's Romans, Yahweh posesses his corpse, reanimates it, and seeks revenge. The final apocalyptic battle features Romans exploding like baggies full of blood.

Unproduced Script, Harlan Ellison (Writer/Director), working title "The Gospel According to Harlan." Draws heavily on the Gospels, but also adds salutary elements from (the also unproduced) _Harlan Ellison's Movie_, and an obscure 1960s thriller novel. Set in the far future, the last rabbi (Yeshua Ben-Yusuf) and his small band of followers must make an emergency landing on a semi-unknown planet. Upon making landfall, the band tries to establish its own self-sufficient colony, but lacks the membership or the skills to make it work, so it must interact with the native population, a "lost" colony of humans descended from former inhabitants of the southern United States. Social tensions ensue, since the two cultures are fundamentally incompatible. In a critical scene, Yeshua disrupts a marketplace to protest corruption. He's branded as a troublemaker, then a political menace, and a lynch mob forms. They break into Yeshua's compound, abetted by his followers, who have decided to allow the mob to take him "for the greater good," figuring that they'll have a better chance to survive if they assimilate. Yeshua is lynched and burned, and the colony disbands in fear, hiding out among the original inhabitants until every trace of their existence has been obliterated.

[BurtWorm]

23. Robert Altman's "Jerusalem"

Starring Tim Robbins, as a lecherous, corrupt, but charismatic Jesus, Lily Tomlin as the mother whose saintliness he rewards with abuse, Shelley Duval as the goofball prostitute who tags along, and Elliot Gould as the cynical governor willing to do "whatever the people want"--for a price. Three and half hours long, in inaudible stereo.

[Tummler]

24. National Lampoon's "The Passion of the Christ"

As a threat to the powers that be, Jesus (John Belushi) and his apostles are placed on Double Secret Probation by sinister Caiaphas (John Vernon). After unlawfully "healing" underage girls, including Pilate's daughter, on the Sabbath, Jesus and the apostles are expelled from Jerusalem. They get their revenge by disrupting Jerusalem's big Passover parade.

[Tummler]

25. Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Passion of the Christ"

With the support of Mary Magdalene (Julianne Moore) and other followers, young Jesus (Mark Wahlberg) quickly rises to the top of the Judean religious scene. But when he overindulges in frankincense and myrrh, his life spirals out of control.

[elperromagico]

26. I wish Stanley Kubrick were alive to do it,

with Jack Nicholson as Christ, Shelley Duvall as Mary Magdalene, and R. Lee Ermey as Pontius Pilate.

[Tummler]

27. Add the late Scatman Crothers, and I'm there

All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.
All God's work and no play makes Jesus a dull boy.

[elperromagico]

29. Hmm... Scatman Crothers as God.

Now that will get the fundies to the theater!

[Dead_Parrot]

28. Stanley Kubrick: 0001, a Gods Oddessey...

...Jesus is crucified, but the cross spins up into the air, turning into a bone...

...Jesus is reborn after 3 days as a cosmic embryo...

...The chimp with a jawbone becomes president. Etc, etc...

Nah. No-one would believe that.

[Tummler]

31. Ermey as Pilate

"God has a hard-on for Romans, because we kill everything we see. He plays His games, we play ours. To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep Heaven packed with fresh souls. God was here before the Roman Empire, so you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to Rome."

"Oh that's right, Jesus, don't make any fucking effort to get to the top of the fucking cross. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he? "

More potential Ermey as Pilate quotes: http://imdb.com/title/tt0093058/quotes

[FunBobbyMucha]

30. Alex Cox's Passion of the Christ.

A mohawked Jesus stumbles thru a landscape of Aramaic graffiti and trash, doggedly pursued by Harry Dean Stanton as Pontius Pilate. He finds love with Mary Magdalene (Exene Cervena) in a cattle stall. Repeatedly, idiosyncratic items pop up, such as pull-ring cans of generic "WATER" that turn to "WINE" when Jesus touches them. Joe Strummer does the soundtrack, and pops out alive and intact at the conclusion, rolling back the rock and saying to the camera "Whut? You was es'pectin' someone else?"

[Jeff in Cincinnati]

32. Ed Wood's "The Passion of Christ"

Made for less than $500 over Labor Day Weekend, the final scene features what is very obviously a Ken doll being thumb-tacked to a cross made from #2 pencils.

[BurtWorm]

33. John Travolta's "The Passion of the Hubbard"

Basically, it's just Battlefield Earth with The Greatest Story Ever Told tacked onto the soundtrack.

[Tummler]

34. Takashi Miike's "Pilate the Christ-Killer"

Jesus is tortured in bizarre ways for the entire length of the movie.

I guess they could re-dub the Mel Gibson version in Japanese.

[everythingsxen]

35. And I am just now reading this thread...

OMG that was sooooooo funny! :D