How do you convince an 80 year old man to accept the help of female

[applegrove]

bathers and dressers? We already have women who come in and bath and dress my mom. But I mentioned it to my dad, because he fell getting out of the shower last week and he said no way.... Anyone in the health care profession or have a dad who gets the help every morning? He wants to do it himself but he will fall again if he doesn't get the help. What should I say?

[Kali]

1. it is tough

but you can firmly tell him, Dad I am going to help you in and out of the tub (or shower) then you can start with helping to shampoo or whatever (a hand-held spray hose dealy is really needed) - then using a washcloth or bath sponge you can do his hands back etc. I always soaped a washcloth and told Grampa I would look the other way while he washed his privates.

Depending on his actual mobility you might not need to help all that much but just be firm and do it - don't argue, don't play games - act professional.

If you have funds you might set up a couple sessions with a visiting nurse or aid instead, to get him used to it and even for your own "training".

[applegrove]

2. No it isn't me who will be helping him but a health care aid. But they are mostly female.

We already have the aides come in to dress and bath my mom. The province provides them for free, if you need them, because it saves the government lots of money to have a senior living at home and getting a little extra help than having seniors live in nursing homes(this is canada). How do you covince a senior man to give up his privacy to a stranger when he's not used to it.

[Dystopian]

5. Life...sad

applegrove:hug:
Is there any way that your family can request a male aide?
If not...is it mostly the 'stranger' aspect that is problematic?
This made me so sad...it's the little things in life that we need as we grow older....
I hope that perhaps he can bond with one of the aides and feel some level of comfort.

Best wishes to you and your dear parents...
I hope you find an answer...


peace~

[applegrove]

8. Thanks you.

[Kali]

13. oh well that may be easier

I bet they have tons of experience - your Dad's reaction is very common, I'm sure. Can you discuss it with the agency or person first? Are they going to be the same people caring for your Mom?

[marzipanni]

3. Does he have a couple of sturdy bars to hang onto next to, and in, the shower?

Other things that make it easier for old people to bathe are a seat that goes across the tub, if it's a tub he bathes in (or a sturdy bath seat in the shower).
A "telephone" style shower that goes up and down on a track, so it can spray lower than your chin, or even lower if you have a shower seat, or can be held in one hand to direct spray. Here's one example-
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000UO0VW8/ref=asc_df_B000UO0VW81320755?tag=thefind0008529-20&creative=395261&creativeASIN=B000UO0VW8&linkCode=asn

Bathroom safety for older people, and where to install bars, etc.- lots of good tips-
http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=gh7060

[applegrove]

4. Thanks. Yes we are getting an expert in to help with all the safety tools.

[MiddleFingerMom]

6. I volunteer to come in and demonstrate...

(edit to change "price" to "pride" -- duh).
.
.
.
.
...I'll need references of all the bathers. And, oh heck... pictures. Please.
.
.
.
One of my favorite lines when people feel bad about my occasional hospital stays
is when I tell them the two-word mantra that helps me get through them:
.
Tagteam. Bedbaths.
.
.
.
The advice given is good. Ask him about a male aide. Have him equate it with any other
medical treatment you/he can think of -- an inconvenient and uncomfortable NECESSITY.
.
.
.
Remind him that pride/modesty is not worth a broken hip... or worse.
.
.
.
Hope you find a solution that keeps him safe and well.
.
.
.

[applegrove]

7. Thanks.

[Kat45]

9. Interesting. I know a man who is a home health aid and he has trouble finding jobs

He told me that a lot of men would rather have a woman bathing them, and of course he can't bathe women, so he often ends up with no jobs.

[applegrove]

10. Well he didn't exactly say he didn't want a woman bathing him. He just said and outright no.

It was his doctor who implied it may have had something to do with the sex of the aides my mom was getting. I think that is it too.

[Kat45]

11. That could definitely be part of it, but it also sounds like he's

being fiercely independent, with perhaps some pride in there, and doesn't believe he needs help, or won't admit that he could use some help. When you said he said an outright no, it gave me that impression. I wish you luck in getting him to allow help.

[applegrove]

12. Thanks. He's a good guy. I so don't want to see him fall badly and really get hurt. That is my worst

fear.

[orleans]

14. these changes in life are so difficult sometimes

you might want to have a talk with him about consequences if he should fall--and where that would leave him (in a nursing home maybe?) and where it would leave your mother (without him home).

a long time ago (close to ten years) my mom needed some medical/psych help. she didn't want it and i finally told her i was going crazy with worry and to please please please let me get it for you. she saw my worry, my tears, and that got through to her (thank god!) and she agreed. finally.

this help he is refusing would benefit not only him but his family. it's for the greater good in a sense. maybe approach it that way?

really--good luck. i know it's difficult sometimes. for us as their children but for them especially because not being able to do these small things for yourself after a lifetime of independence must be terribly frustrating and devastating--at least for some people.

[applegrove]

17. Thanks for your wise words. My sister is coming into town and so I think between the two of us

and my brother we should be able to convince him.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

15. My dad has female home care aides.

He hasn't complained about the fact that they are femal, although the previous agency we used did have one male aide, whom he liked. Unfortunately we had to switch agencies when it became necessary for him to have someone around 24 hours, and the agency we use now just doesn't have any men. Dad has accepted the female aides because he needs someone to help him with just about everything (he's in his 90s and can't get around at all without help). The main issue has not been their gender but their age. He has been much happier with the older women; the young ones he has generally considered to be bossy and vapid (he doesn't suffer fools gladly). The older aides have been more patient and relate to him better. The young ones had piercings and yakked on their cell phones. They tended to quit before he could fire them...

[Roon]

16. I caregive for my grandparents and my step-father

My grandparents can dress and shower themselves. My step-father needs to be dressed and my mother gives him his sponge baths.

Sorry I couldn't help you, my patients better get used to the idea of me giving them showers, it will happen one day. :-)

[applegrove]

18. Your relatives are lucky to have you so devoted to them.

[Roon]

19. I am lucky too!

It's good for my mental health and it keeps me busy and away from the booze.

[applegrove]

20. Yup. A good way to be is to be in a situation where you are 'giving'. I've always known this and

had quite a few jobs that involved helping people.

[StarsInHerHair]

21. get some rubber shelf liners, they're in rolls & are very non-skid

put them on the floor in front of the shower/tub & in the shower/tub. Bolting a grab-bar to the wall. If the woman who helps your Mom is willing, have her say "why not let me help your husband a little, I'm here already". My Mom was a caregiver until her rheumatoid got bad.

[hippywife]

22. Compromise.

Put in all the safety equipment you can, including a bath chair that slides on rails so he doesn't have to stand up until he is outside the tub.

If you can't afford to do that, make a pact that he may do it himself as long as the home health aide is permitted to assist him out of the tub when he is finished and has his towel wrapped around himself to maintain his privacy.