If computers were as easy to use as cars...

[pokerfan]

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did...

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
Helpline: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'."
Customer: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'."
Helpline: "A 'V'?!?"
Customer: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
Helpline: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
Customer: "That steering wheel thingy -- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
Helpline: "Yes, among other things."
Customer: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
Helpline: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
Helpline: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
Customer: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."
Helpline: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
Customer: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
Helpline: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
Customer: "How do you do THAT?"
Helpline: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
Customer: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
Helpline: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

[struggle4progress]

1. Helpline: Windows Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer: My car turned completely blue and won't start.
Helpline: Could you describe the problem in more detail?
Customer: Well, first it got a virus. There were these pop-ups all over the wind-shield. I couldn't see anything.
Helpline: What anti-virus were you using?
Customer: I was using Norton but I took it off because the car wouldn't go faster than 3 mph.
Helpline: So you deactivated your anti-virus? Tsk tsk. Have you driven by any strip clubs recently? Sometimes cars get viruses by driving near strip clubs.
Customer: Well, sometimes I drive by, but I never go into their parking lots. Anyway, to get rid of the virus, I decided to reinstall the Windows Motor.
Helpline: So how did that go?
Customer: I spent seven hours on the phone trying to get authorization to use my license key, and then it took a few more hours to install, but I finally got it installed.
Helpline: And then?
Customer: Well, then I got a pop-up saying I needed to install service packs 1, 2, 3 and a bunch of critical updates. So I installed them all, except the last critical update didn't install correctly. It removed part of the motor and didn't reinstall it. When I looked under the hood, all the electric wires were missing. And part of the radiator
Helpline: What did you do next?
Customer: I naturally tried to reinstall the last critical update. And then the car turned completely blue and wouldn't start.
Helpline: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Have you ever tried a different motor, from Linux Motors or another of our competitor
Customer: I considered using Linux Motors, but finally I just bought this car with Windows Motors
Helpline: I'm afraid you've voided your warranty

[pokerfan]

3. Yeah, well installing Linux on my Gateway voided its warranty

but the warranty has since expired anyway. My next computer will be Linux friendly if not Linux pre-installed if not home built with Linux in mind.

[KG]

2. kinda reminds me of a friend that complained the cordless mouse she bought couple months

before had stopped working.

'did you change the battery?' 'oh, it needs a battery'?

[pokerfan]

4. that's the reason I never bought a cordless mouse

just another damn battery to manage. That and the fact that if it wasn't attached to my computer I would probably lose it somehow.