My Dad died this morning

[Canuckistanian]

He died at his home in northern Ontario of bone cancer. My sister was with him when he died. It wasn't a shock, we knew his time was limited at Christmas.

We weren't close. I hadn't even seen him for a couple of years. I offered to go and see him at Christmas, but he refused to see me.

I really don't know what happened to him. He was a normal, caring father up until about 6 years ago. Then, something changed. Basically, he just started doing more and more outrageous things. He just said and did what he wanted and to hell if you got insulted or hurt. He screwed me by reneging on a $50,000 payment for our house. We found out a few years ago that he put a permanent second mortgage on our house instead of paying the seller. How could we let this happen, you say? Well, we didn't know - my Dad arranged the purchase of our house. We found out when WE needed a second mortgage for an emergency. We were told the news that someone else had the 2nd and that our credit rating was fucked because of it. There were a lot of other things, too.

But he never apologized for anything. He hurt my sister badly also, but she clung to him.

I never hated him. I'm more confused and bewildered by WHY he became this horrid person. He was my Dad. My hero when I was a kid. I had a wonderful childhood.

I'm just angry that I've been deprived of a father for the last 6 years - and forever more, now.

[hamsterjill]

1. My condolensces.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. As you well illustrate in your post, regardless of the circumstances, you lost your father today.

I hope you will take the time to grieve. You are obviously wise in trying to understand things rather than to place blame. I hope you find your answers.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. I am so sorry for you loss...

It's never easy. :hug:

[Kaleva]

3. Very sorry to hear about your loss.

[Shell Beau]

4. I am sorry.

[Swede]

5. Sorry for your loss.

Sad story about your dad.

[av8rdave]

6. So sorry for your loss

My condolences.

[lost-in-nj]

7. I am so sorry....

lost

[jobycom]

8. Wow. Condolences, and wishes for you to find some peace. I'm sure you've thought of this

but an illness as serious as bone cancer doesn't just pop up in a couple of years. He may have been suffering for years, at least the six years when you think he turned wrong. That kind of pain, that kind of flaw in your body's basic structure, can cause havoc on a person's brain and emotions. Marrow creates the red blood cells that carry oxygen to the brain, and someone without the proper oxygen levels or with other chemical discrepancies will necessarily react in more erratic ways than a fully healthy person. You might see his issues as betrayals of trust and changes in integrity, but they may well have been the results of a brain not functioning at full capacity and a body under unrecognized duress and impairment. If I create duress or pain or impairment in a person and then force them to sign a contract, the contract is not valid because the person wasn't competent to sign. Even the law recognizes the effects of trauma on a person's decisions, is what I'm saying. Maybe that's the key to your father's changed behavior. He wasn't really fully himself, not fully in control the way he was when he was your hero.

I hope you can come to a peace there. I can only imagine what that feels like.

I know it's a long shot, but have you considered that the second mortgage could be voidable if your father wasn't capable of making that decision? Probably wouldn't work, but might be worth bringing up with a lawyer. Also, if his wife also owned the house, he couldn't have legally signed a mortgage without her approval. If no one knew and there was another holder on the property title, you might have something to work with. Just some thoughts.

[GCP]

18. I was thinking something similar

Maybe he had mets to the brain.
I'm so sorry, Canuckistan

[Brickbat]

9. I'm sorry. It's hard to lose someone who knew you when you were young.

I hope you have good memories to comfort you and your sister.

Dementia does not always manifest as forgetfulness, gentle confusion or instant helplessness. People developing it can become cruel, manipulative, canny, and can wreak the kind of havoc you describe. I am sure this is not a comfort so I'm sorry to bring it up; it's the first thing that came to mind as I read your post.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

[struggle4progress]

10. Ouch. I hope remembering the happier times is some comfort

[abq e streeter]

11. It's still your dad, and it hurts...my deepest condolences, Canuckistanian

[Downtown Hound]

12. I'm so sorry

I had a lot of unsolved issues with my dad when he died. All I can say is that while I am sorry for what happened to both you and your father later in life, be glad that you had the wonderful childhood that you had and that he was there for you during those crucial years. In time, hopefully the good memories will outweigh the bad.

[Arugula Latte]

13. I'm sorry.

It seems like your Dad must have had something physical going on that changed his brain and therefore his personality. How sad.

[bigwillq]

14. I am so sorry for your loss.

:hug: Hope you find some peace during this difficult time.

[NewJeffCT]

15. I'm sorry for your loss

and, sorry for the problems you've had with him over the years.

[Tikki]

16. I am so sorry...

Hold on to the memories that make you feel good or at least indifferent.

Tikki

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. My deepest condolences, my dear Canuckistanian...

Perhaps you feel as though you've lost him twice...

And now it's permanent. I'm so very sorry...

I hope that your good memories of your childhood will bring you peace as time passes.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

19. I'm sorry, Canuckistanian

:hug:

[sarge43]

20. Condolences

May you find comfort and strength. May your father rest in peace now.

:hug:

[AllenVanAllen]

21. My condolences to you and your loved ones.

I hope that you can come to terms with the way things turned out. Sometimes we have to give to ourselves what others can not.
May your father rest in peace and may you have much peace and happiness as well. :hug:

[kimi]

22. I'm so sorry, for your pain and anger

Perfectly understandable and hard to reconcile, I know. Leads to all kinds of confusing issues. Several here have brought up valid reasons for why your dad may have become the way he did, may explain what happened. I hope there's comfort in that. If there's any other comfort, it may be that there are others who have the same feelings about their fathers, I know that I do, I've been estranged from my father for years and know that we will never reconcile. It creates a very hollow feeling. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and hope that you find peace and ease in your memories. Take care. :hug:

[lightningandsnow]

23. That sounds tough. I'm sorry. :(

:hug:

[old mark]

24. C, I am sorry for your troubles. My father is 93, and we have never

had a good relationship since I can remember. I used to be unable to sleep and get physically ill when the day came that we had to visit him (holidays, etc). he moved over a thousand miles away and we talk on the phone a few times a year.

Remember, whatever happened with him was not your choice nor your fault. Remember that you had good times with him and try to move on from there.

mark

[Mike 03]

25. I am so sorry for your loss

And I understand what you are saying.

My father was diagnosed with a very agressive cancer in Fall of 2007, and in some respects he has changed during that time of his treatment. And it is hard.

My heart goes out to you.

[Old Troop]

26. I'm so sorry

he may have had early stages of dementia. A remarkable change like that often has an organic cause. He probably continued to love you and your sister, but was fighting a demon that only he knew.

[applegrove]

27. I'm so sorry.

[Dystopian]

28. My heartfelt condolences...

Canuckistanian...
Loss of one's father is one thing...
You are going through the stages of grief...and for you...very complex and heart wrenching ...

Please remember that he was your hero. He still is. Something not ever to be understood made him change...his physical and emotional being.
In reality...he is the father that always loved you...as he took his last breath. He was in pain. He loved you.
You are in pain. You loved him......

My heart goes out to you...

Wishing you peace of mind~

[fortyfeetunder]

29. My sincere condolences

I share your grief and hope you will find healing and comfort in the good memories you had with your dad.

[MadMaddie]

30. I am sorry for your loss.

Madmaddie

[SalmonChantedEvening]

31. My sincere condolences Canuckstanian

:hug: :hug: :cry: :hug: :hug:

[BurtWorm]

32. Sounds like something happened to his brain.

Seriously, Canuckistanian, like something out of Oliver Sachs. Did he suffer a traumatic head injury or illness?

My sincere condolences for your pain and loss.

[Robeson]

33. I come from a similar family. Not my father, but his father's treatment of him...

...sounds like a mirror. Hopefully, you'll learn, and be a better person. It looks like you already are.

[Kat45]

34. I'm so sorry to hear this.

[crim son]

35. I am sorry you got no resolution before he died.

Sometimes that makes it harder than ever. My condolences.

[OhioChick]

36. I'm sorry for your loss....

:hug:

[abbeyco]

37. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're experiencing

It sounds like he had something going on starting back 6+ years and, while not excusing his behaviour,it might be a reason for it.

Peace to you & please accept my condolences. :hug:

[MrMickeysMom]

38. First and foremost, I'm really sorry, Canuckistanian

... mostly that you didn't have some kind of explanation or closure.

Do you think that the same process that consumed your father did anything to make his brain diseased? (like an organic brain disorder, maybe related to his other problem?)

It's the kind of question that could only be answered by a good pathologist, but perhaps it would help ease your pain. There certainly is a lot left over, and I wish you well with putting it to rest.

[jcboon]

39. Condolences

I'm sorry for your loss.
As a way of possibly explaining your father's erratic behavior, Chemo and pain killers can have an effect on the brain. I've known several cancer patients, including my husband, who could comment on the side effects.
Try not to take it personally, I know its hard.

[donheld]

40. i'm so very sorry!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

41. My condolences, Canuckistanian.

May he rest in peace and may you find some comfort and healing as time goes by. :hug:

[denbot]

42. You have my condolences.

Peace to you and yours.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

43. I'm so sorry

And I'm so sorry that you've had to endure what you have over the past few years

Peace and my deepest, sincerest and most heartfelt thoughts, prayers, condolences, sympathies and healing energy to you and your family at the moment:hug: :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

44. I am so sorry that you lost him twice. *hugs*

[DevonRex]

45. He refused to see you because he knew he did something horrible

in taking that second mortgage. I'm sorry you've lost your father. He's been gone for a long time, really.

:hug:

[dembotoz]

46. so very sorry

[foxfeet]

47. I am very sorry for your loss

and I wish you peace and healing.

[bdamomma]

48. my deepest sympathy to you and your family

[tango-tee]

49. I'm so very, very sorry

and my heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult to face your father's death, realizing that the chance to resolve the difficulties and differences with him, and to find out just *why* things turned out the way they did, no longer exists.

Please accept my condolences, friend.

[Odin2005]

50. Oh God, I'm so sorry! Bone cancer is really painful!

:hug:

[BrklynLiberal]

51. So sorry for your loss Canuckistanian.

:grouphug: