Family problem I could use some advice on... (Long story)

[Curtland1015]

My sister was married for ten years to a real asshole. They had two children together when they decided to get married, and have had two more since. I don’t think there was ever REAL love between them, but my sister tried her best (in a sweet but perhaps misguided attempt to give the kids a stable family life) to make it work.

Her husband, he worked hard, and that is to his credit. But he treated my sister like trash. He barely ever paid attention to the children. He never helped with any aspect of raising their four children (ages ranging from five to fifteen) or to be a partner to her.

He never struck her, but he was verbally and psychologically abusive. He would accuse her of cheating on him, scream at her for not leaving her cigarette money, go through the trunk of her car, check the MILEAGE on her car and accuse her of “sneaking off” to places without telling her… I could list things all day.

One day, she finally had enough. She packed up her things, and some of the kids things, and left. She had secretly squirreled away money for months ‘just in case’, which was hard, because he was always ransacking the house looking for “evidence” against her. She took that money and put down some cash on a house to rent. Not much, small, RIGHT NEXT to the train tracks, but it was all she could afford that would keep the kids at the same school (something that was very important to her).

ANYWAY, since then, she has met a great guy. He loves her, he treats her nice, he helps pay the bills and tries really hard to form a relationship with the kids. The problem is, he’s twenty-two years old and my sister is thirty-four.

Why is that a problem? He’s closer to my oldest niece’s age than to my sister’s. No matter how hard he tries, the kids don’t respect him (especially the two girls). They say he’s around too much, they don’t like it when he asks them to do things or tell them he thinks they should do more to help out around the house.

What makes this MUCH worse is that her asshole ex-husband eggs the kids on. He tells them things like “you’re Mother loves this new guy more than she loves you”. He tells them to inform him on everything he does and twists everything that happens into some new way their mother doesn’t like them or respect them.

This guy, the piece of shit who has treated these kids like garbage for their entire lives, suddenly pretends to be their best pal. He takes them out, acts like Dad of the year, and goes out of his way that entire time to manipulate the kids into liking him and hating my sister and her new boyfriend.

It’s gotten to the point that the kids are THREATENING my sister with the idea that if she doesn’t stop seeing this guy, they’ll talk to the Law Guardian and ask to spend more time with their Dad.

…and their Dad doesn’t CARE about spending time with them. This is only about “winning” to him. He plays the “woe is me victim”, who has never done anything wrong, and it seems like it’s starting to WORK. He's using this guy to turn the kids against their mother.

I know one way to fix many of these problems. My sister could break up with her boyfriend.

But is that fair to her? She has given up SO MUCH for her family, lived with a piece of crap for years, for the sake of her kids. She never had the love, cooperation, or friendship with a man that she has now. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her in my LIFE that I could really tell she was in love.

I’m at wits end worrying about this and thinking about the situation she’s in. I wish I could do more to help her but fear there really is nothing I can do.

Sorry for the long winded story, but I guess I just needed to get this all out.

Any thoughts?

Thanks all for reading through all this.

[AwakeAtLast]

1. Sorry to hear about this

She needs to take all of this to family court on her own. Right away. There is nothing wrong with her having a boyfriend and being happy.

[jmm]

2. The only thing I think she's doing wrong is

letting her boyfriend tell the kids what to do. I'm sure he means well but the kids are going through enough and having an outsider come into their life and act like a parent isn't helping.

[Arkansas Granny]

3. Having survived a situation similar to this myself, I'll give you my thoughts.

Dealing with children during a breakup can really be tricky. They've felt the stress that led up to the breakup and have their own issues to resolve. It's not fair for either parent to put them in the middle of a very emotional situation and use them to exact revenge upon the other parent. Unfortunately, it happens all too often and it sounds like Dad is doing just that.

If the kids want to spend more time with their dad, let them, within reason. They might be able to establish a relationship with him that they never had before. OTOH, if he doesn't want to spend time with them, let him be the one to turn them down. That way it will be his choice, not something that your sister prevented and she can't be blamed for it.

If your sister truly cares for the new boyfriend, she shouldn't have to break up with him to make the kids happy. They will probably not be entirely happy with anyone else that she chooses to be with, especially with their father encouraging them to complain and find fault. If the boyfriend can tough it out and not make it seem like he's trying to take Dad's place, they may eventually come around and accept him.

Good luck to your sister and her kids.

[philosophie_en_rose]

4. He shouldn't be parenting the kids.

I don't think your sister should expect the children to automatically embrace her boyfriend as a parental figure. If your sister agrees that they should do more around the house, she should set those boundaries.

[libodem]

5. What a mess

I feel sorry for your sister. The husband sounds like a bum. I would be concerned that having a boyfriend while she is still married,(even though separated) might constitute adultery and that might make the ex the injured party somehow. His being injured' party, (if there is such a thing)and if he files first (and becomes the plaintiff) he might try to claim she is an unfit mother on the moral grounds that she is a bad example to the teen-aged girls. He could try and take the kids. He might not want primary custody in the sense of taking all the responsibility but if he can hurt your sister or manipulate her to come back under his control, that might be all he really wants.

Bottomline I'd loose the BF or hide the hell out of him. He should not be living there or telling the kids what to do. If it's the real deal true love, it can wait until the divorce and custody are arranged. That little mama should concentrate on the kids not her love life right, now.

Your sis could end up with her tit in the wringer if she is not careful. If a man is evil, verbally and mentally abusive it can escalate during a divorce. He could stalk her, spy on her and even kill her. He already sounds sadistic and your sister sounds nice but weak.

I was in similar circumstances, in the distant, past and made many mistakes, just to let you know. I'm not on any high moral horse looking down on anyone. I have a lot of empathy for what she's going through.

[msanthrope]

6. If she breaks up with this guy, then the same problems

will likely happen with the next boyfriend--the details may vary, but the the essential argument will still be there--ex-H still wants control.

One way to stop this is to call the bluff of the kids. Have them ALL go spend a weekend with Dad, and then, sister and boyfriend can be alone.

If he's a true to form a-hole, then the kids will figure out, over time, that Daddy likes to start trouble, but doesn't like to spend time with them.

Your sister should also try family therapy--it might be a good idea for a third party to hear about what Daddy has to say.

[Curtland1015]

7. Thanks for the advice everyone.

I really do appreciate it.

[nini]

8. He's trying to alienate the mother from her kids

he will convince them she is evil over time until the point where they refuse to see her and treat her just like he is.

This happened to my sister and to make a long story short the evil ex brother-in-law managed to turn the kids against her completely and she didn't see them for 6 or 7 years. I don't know how she managed to get through it.

she needs to get the kids counseling ASAP. She needs to do some reading on Parental Alienation and get help on how to fight his games.

Good Luck.