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UrbScotty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-09-04 07:43 PM
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David Letterman's Top Ten!
Edited on Tue Mar-09-04 07:44 PM by ih8thegop
Top Ten Signs Bush Is Considering Dumping Cheney (February 2004)

10. Cheney's desk has been replaced by President's new air hockey table.
9. There's a listing on Monster Dot Com for a Vice-Presidential position in a "Large North American Government."
8. Cheney's so depressed he's only eating 12 KFC drumsticks a day.
7. There is a "For Rent" sign on the front lawn of the undisclosed location.
6. When Cheney says, "We're gonna win in November," Bush snarls, "What's this 'We' crap?"
5. White House interns are no longer required to know CPR.
4. The CIA says they have reliable information Cheney won't be dumped.
3. Bush asked Trump if he could come to Washington and fire Cheney.
2. Yesterday a tearful Cheney sang "I Will Survive" on the White House lawn.
1. Bush called Daddy looking for Quayle's number.

Top Ten Numbers From One To Ten (February 2000)

10. Ten
9. Nine
8. Six
7. Five
6. Eight
5. One
4. Four
3. Three
2. Seven
1. Two

Top Ten Headlines During a George W. Bush Presidency
(March 2000)
10. "President Streaks Supreme Court"
9. "President Fails In Shoe-Tying Bid"
8. "President To Nation: 'Do These Non-Prescription Eyeglasses Make Me Look Smarter?'"
7. "Bush To Hussein: 'I'm Telling My Daddy On You'"
6. "President Cancels Meeting With Pope After Discovering He's Catholic"
5. "Bush Remembers Setting Nuclear Football Down At The Mall, Doesn't Know What Happened To It"
4. "America Under Siege: Day 16 of President's Head Stuck In Banister"
3. "Even Dumber George Bush III Preparing For 2012 Election"
2. "President Completes 3 Month 'Goodwill Tour' Of Amsterdam"
1. "President Trades America For 'Magic Dog'"

Top Ten Signs Your Campaign Is Doomed (March 2000)

10. Campaign bus adorned with catchy slogan "Greyhound"
9. Your staffers already refer to day after "Super Tuesday" as "Crushing Depression Wednesday."
8. Your name: Michael W. Dukakis
7. John Rocker won't shut up about how great you are.
6. You ask wife who she voted for; she says, "That's personal."
5. You own one suit, and it's starting to get ripe.
4. You've done the bulk of your campaigning in Mexico.
3. Only "celebrity" supporting you is guy who sort of looks like Roy Scheider.
2. When McCain mentions years in Vietnamese prison, you brag, "In junior high I was, like, always getting detention."
1. Voters refer to you as "The dork in the pirate outfit."

Top Ten Shocking Facts About Dick Cheney (July 2000)

10. To make himself more appealing to Bush, executed 47 people in Wyoming
9. Once dressed up as a bellhop to meet 'N Sync
8. Recently caught scribbling "George + Cheney" during strategy meeting
7. Accused of conflict of interest after voting in favor of tax cut for bald guys
6. For brief 6-month period in 1974, known as Rita Cheney
5. As Secretary of Defense, approved "Arms For Gyros" deal with Greece
4. He's fat
3. Told Bush only place he plans on campaigning is "Margaritaville"
2. Spends 17 hours a day at "Big Brother" website looking at exotic dancer
1. Picks up chicks by claiming to be Alan Greenspan

Top Ten Signs You've Nominated A Dumb Guy (August 2000)

10. Gets sidetracked during speeches because microphones look like delicious ice cream cones
9. Deep wrinkles in brow from countless times he's said, "Huh?"
8. Frequently misspells "GOP"
7. Ends speech by dramatically setting fire to the Constitution
6. Brags that he combines morality of Clinton with charisma of Gore
5. Voted to kick exotic dancer out of the "Big Brother" house
4. Claims to be inspired by great presidents such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Richard Dawson
3. Only does interviews for wrestling magazines
2. Vows that come November, "The hookers are gonna be calling me 'Mr. President'"
1. Promises to put a man on the moon by 2005

Top Ten Signs George W. Bush Is Getting Cocky (October 2000)

10. Begins each rally by electrocuting one lucky audience member
9. Sent first warning letter to "Saddam Hussein, President of NASDAQ"
8. At press conference yesterday, deliberately pronounced "possible" as "possima-mossima-bullible"
7. Has started referring to all foreigners as "Chinese"
6. Spent last several days "campaigning" in Acapulco
5. For Halloween, he's dressing up as Al Gore's concession speech
4. He's already predicting that his dumbest son will someday become President
3. His tour schedule now suspiciously coincides with Korn's tour schedule
2. On to-do list: November 7th - "Win election"; November 8th - "Start nailing interns"
1. Now swearing when he knows the microphone is on
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