AARGH!! I am having HUGE roommate problems: Part 2

[intheflow]

As we learned in Part 1, my roommate is a raving lunatic. We had a fight over interior decorating right when I came home from my best friend's funeral that turned into her throwing a glass vase at me, and then taking down all my artwork in the living room when I left the house, apparently after she cleaned up the vase because she bled all over two pieces and broke a third.

So: landlord comes over last night and mediates a discussion basically saying she won't let either of us out of our leases, but she expects us to get along like adults. We agree to only talk by writing notes. Roommate agrees to clean up the blood that's all over the house. I agree to take my artwork out of the tv room so she can put whatever he wants on the walls. She tells me she's scared of me because I am "an angry, angry person." (Riiight, who was so pissed they had to damage the other person's property?) We agree to still be moms to both dogs. We agree to split the house: she gets the back two rooms (her room and the tv room) and I get the front two rooms (my bedroom and the living room). She starts talking about the fight again. Somehow we get on the topic of why she couldn't even wait to put clothes on to talk with me but felt the need to confront me while the second she came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. She says it was because she was running late and she just wanted to talk quickly before getting dressed and going to work, whereby I noted that she had plenty of time to take down my artwork. Crickets from her, landlord, I think, "got it." But still holds firm that neither of us can break our leases. Roommate and I are stuck with each other and agree to stay out of each other's way.

Today: She's up showering, and I leave her a note letting her know I found some blood that needs cleaning by the front door. She leaves me a note saying she's running late (where have I heard that before?) and will clean it up when she gets home. She goes to work and I am able to leave my bedroom knowing that the rest of my house is safe again. Fast forward about 10 hours. I'm sitting in my area, listening to Alanis Morrisette covering CSNY's "Carry On", no louder than she listens to the tv. Let's take a moment to review those lyrics:

The fortunes of fables are able
To see the dawn
Now witness the quickness with which
We get along
To sing the blues you've got to live the dues and

Hmmm... I will not witness the quickness with which we get along, but apparently I will live the blues, because she stomps in, goes into her room, and blasts this bass-laden screeching punk rock. I guess I'm not allowed to listen to music in my own house. Oh, and one of us is listening to gentle music, and one of us is cranking angry punk--but I'm the angry one, I forgot! I think what's really pissing her off is that I took everything of mine out of the room, all artworks, two bookcases of dvds, a little side table and a lamp. That left a stand-up lamp in there for light. I didn't leave her without a lamp table, I moved one of our landlord's end tables in there for her to use. (She is always telling me about how she has all this furniture at her parents' house, including lamps. And after all, she does want to decorate her own space. Never mind she lived here for three years before I came and never put a damn thing up.)

Now, there's this Laz-e-Boy chair she brought with her in the front room (in my space). We call it the dog chair because the dogs sleep on it and use it to look out the front window. No one ever sits on it because it's so covered in dog hair. But I guess she's decided she must have it in her part of the house. I can't imagine where she's putting it because that room's not too big and it already has over-sized furniture in it. But that's what I get for taking her at her word. And that's what the dogs get--no way to look out the front window. Oh, she'll show me! :eyes:

So this is her m.o. She makes decisions and demands I comply, and when I comply, she throws fits. I hope to God she leaves when her lease is up at the end of December. My birthday's in January, and that would be the best present I could get!

[astral]

1. Your landlord does not have the right to tell you

that you can not break your lease under these circumstances. This is so sick I can't believe it. You are forced to stay in a place and pay rent with a lunatic roommate who is physically violent because your LANDLORD said so?

Maybe you'd rather be passive because it's too hard to be otherwise, but if I were you I'd get out of there and bring your landlord to small claims court over any money she is holding of yours -- meanwhile give 30 days' notice and stop paying rent -- give reason for the notice that your are living with a violent person.

She has been there for three years and she is a lunatic. You are not likely to see her move and yourself stay.

I really hope you get away from that situation as fast as you can. If your roommate were the opposite sex other people would be saying the same thing. Where there is violence there is lack of self-control and things could get alot worse in the blink of an eye.

[boilerbabe]

4. I guess I must have missed the whole thing

Sorry for the post that i did. OOPS

[intheflow]

27. I agree it's because my roommate and I are the same gender that

my landlord is being hardline about not breaking the lease.

I am going to report the incident to the police after work today so there will be a record to build a housing case. And I found a legal precedent that says landlords cannot collect double rent, and if a tenant breaks the lease, the landlord has to make a good-faith effort to find another tenant. So I'm taking steps to make myself as safe as I can in under the circumstances.

[HEyHEY]

2. Seriously; find a new place

Do your best to fill the vacancy... live in a boarding house for women (You're a woman, right?) for a month or whatever and save money for a Damage Deposit on another place. You can't live this way.

[boilerbabe]

3. You really need to just get out somewhere other than where you are?

I have been there and done that, hunny. I know that you are more or less settled in where you are, but you might have to move anyways, unless you own that house, you might be assed-out. I can tell you of horror stories, but that won't help you. I can say this: pack up your stuff if your can't get rid of her. A truck load or two is better than putting up with shit. believe it. I could not even imagine trying to move at this time in my life. Let's put it this way: anyone living in my house at this time is under my sufference and if they don't like it, they can get the hell out. This is only because I own where I live. And that is probably pretty shaky as regards to the economy these days...

Best of luck, hunny!

"Why are you all fighting about furniture, when you know it's something more than that? You are fighting about music tastes and other things that you should have figured out before you got involved? Ah, roommates. It's all fucked up, ain't it? Why don't you both get down and decide that it's either an economic thing so you would have to get along, or if not, then part ways. I don't see you as being any more flexible than anyone else. Have you given any thought to that? It ain't easy living with another person, and if you are very young, let me tell you....long experience here, OK? I am probably old enough to be your grandmother, and I hate to say this...but I could tell ya so much. Been there and done that? XXXOOO

[intheflow]

16. You are probably not old enough to be my grandmother.

I am 44 and this is the first time I've been so poor I've had to share a home with someone (family not included). I make $1000/mo. before taxes. I appreciate your suggestions, but I honestly do not have the resources to move anywhere. All places want first, last, security, and sometimes a pet deposit for my dog. We can't talk because she cannot have a rational discussion, and in fact refuses to communicate with me at all at this point save giving me the finger on her way to the bathroom. I'll give it another 24-hours and then I'll contact the landlord again and see if I can't either get out of my lease or have her evicted. After all, it is Day 3 and she still hasn't cleaned the blood up from all over the house.

[peacefreak]

5. Honey, it sounds like you're dealing with some one

that has some serious Bi-Polar issues. There is no appeasing her. Please protect yourself. Get out. Stay with friends. Don't let her crazy bleed all over you.

[blueraven95]

6. Hi intheflow

first of all, I'm so sorry about your friend. :hug:


It seems to me that you are living with a woman who is an abuser. Her irrational behavior and attacks at you are forms of mental/verbal abuse and as soon as she threw that vase, it turned into physical abuse, all of which you don't have to live with. I agree that it sounds like she really needs help, but it doesn't sound like she wants it, so I don't think you are going to be able to do anything there.


I agree with the poster above who said you should explore your legal options. It seems to me that there should be ways to legally get out of this lease, but I don't know what they are.


Hang in there - we're all pulling for you!

[intheflow]

21. Thanks, blueraven.

I'm going to call legal services today and see what my options are. And tank you so much for the condolences. :hug:

[Bragi]

7. Document the situation and plan to leave

That's what I would do. Write it all down, take pictures. Decide that being confronted by your roomie wearing only a towel is sexual harrassment.

Find a new place. Leave. Give notice. Stop paying rent.

Invite the landlord to sue you. He won't because a) he would likely lose, and b)if he won, costs would likely exceed any possible award.

- B

[NJmaverick]

8. Wow, tough situation

I feel for you. The only advice I can offer is not to let your own understandable anger get the better of you. At least one person needs to be calm and collected.

[City of Mills]

9. Restraining order?

This individual is documentably violent, and has damaged your artwork...if you WERE to apply for a restraining order, I cannot imagine that you could be forced to ride out the lease...I wouldn't trust this person alone in the home with my stuff, I know that...good luck, sorry if you lived closer I'd give you shelter!

[intheflow]

22. Thanks, BTR.

Roommate does have a police record, so I think I could prove she has a history of this behavior.

And I'm from Massachusetts, so if this were happening there I'd have family I could move in with. But I do thank you for the virtual offer anyway! :hug:

[DS1]

10. Whether or not the vase hit you, having it thrown at you is assault

And the landlord needs to suck it up and move that person out.

[raccoon]

11. The woman sounds bat guano crazy. Get the hell out.

"She started yelling back and suddenly picked up a heavy glass vase with flowers and water and threw it across the room at me, shattering it against the wall."

What if the vase had hit you? The object might, the next time, and from what you say sounds like there will be a next time.
Get out of there!

Best wishes to you! :hug:

[merh]

12. Hold up.

If your roommate was a man, was your male partner, would you stay?

Welcome to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Website.
If you are in crisis or need help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ncadv.org/

Colorado Legal Services
1905 Sherman,
Suite 400
Denver, CO 80203
303.837.1321

Here you go, there are clinics you can go to and ask questions and seek guidance.
http://www.coloradolegalservices.org/Program/1138/RTF1.cfm?pagename=Denver%20Clinics

And someone like that is not to be trusted, I would NOT trust her alone with Bear.

Take care of yourself and bear, you cannot afford not to. :hug:

[intheflow]

19. Thanks, Dear Friend!

I forgot I could turn to you for legal suggestions! :hug: My friend that died worked for legal aid, so I was used to talking with her about legal stuff. I'll contact all the places you've listed. And thankfully, I can bring Bear with me to work, so I can make sure he's not alone with her. Except Friday morning, when I have a job interview. :( Really, though, I don't think she'd do anything to Bear because she's afraid of me doing something to her dog.

[merh]

25. I'd never thought she would throw the vase either.

Please contact someone for the proper advice and take care of yourself.

Hell, you were safe here, all we have are really, really big bugs. :hug:

[intheflow]

26. Well, really, really big bugs and hurricanes.

But then, you get good warnings about hurricanes approaching. As opposed to the spontaneous tornados that errupt in my home.

Just to let you know, I called the National Domestic Violence number you provided and they gave me some local Denver numbers to call. Safe House Denver referred me to Project Safeguard, but Project Safeguard told me they only deal with domestic violence with women who are in danger of being hurt by their husbands; in fact, they told me my situation did not legally count as domestic violence and that no judge in Denver would grant a request for a protection order. I called the first place back and they gave me the number for legal aid (someone will call me back from there tomorrow) and a web site called womenslaw.org. According to that web site, domestic violence does indeed include roommates under Colorado law. I can't file a criminal case in my situation, but I can file a civil case.

I also called the Denver P.D. They'll be coming over this evening when I get home from work to take my statement and review the damage to my property. I'm filing the police report to set precedent in case she whacks out again and attacks me or my property, to build a housing court case to make my landlord release me from my lease. As such, I've let the landlord know I'm filing a police report.

[merh]

30. Actually, one would think the landlord should release the roommate

and let you stay as she owes you a safe environment for the full term of your lease. Having been informed that your roommate is violent and has damaged your property puts her on notice, since the roommate's lease ends in December said notice would seem to obligate her to not renew her lease.

[Gormy Cuss]

13. See a lawyer.

If she's lived there three years, it's unlikely that she'll want to move along in December. You're the one who needs to get out. As others have suggested, document, document, document.

Avoid the roommate in the meantime. If I were you I'd quietly make an effort to keep the dog away from her too.

[Dangerously Amused]

14. I've been following the situation.

My advice: Go on the offensive. Make a police report now, even though it's after the fact. Get everything documented the way YOU want it to be. They may not arrest her but that's okay, they will probably at least talk to her and that will put her on notice that you will not tolerate the manifestation of her issues. Hopefully it will make things uncomfortable enough that she will be motivated to leave when the lease is up.

Good luck.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. Don't you think that will just piss her off and give her (in her own

twisted mind) more ammo; add fuel to the fire so to speak.

[Dangerously Amused]

17. Well, there are already a number of red flags in this fact pattern,

...and things are just now crossing the line between acceptable (arguing) and unacceptable (incorporating violence and destruction) behavior.

If she is an abuser, we already know how most abusers operate: they want to keep you scared of them and afraid that taking any action in your defense will piss them off and result in even worse consequences. So my concern is that not calling the police at this point will empower her to lash out again the next time she's having an episode.

You're right, calling the police will probably piss her off but it will also let her know that she can't "get away" with abuse. It will make for an unhappy roommate for a few months, but one that is motivated to leave. And that - getting her to voluntarily move out at the end of December - appears to be the ultimate goal here. Which sounds like something she will not do without external motivation.

Eh, I could be wrong as there are a lot of facts I don't know. I am basing my opinion only on what has been presented and my knowledge of domestic violence abusers and situations. YMMV.

[intheflow]

18. Can you make a police report after the fact?

I'll call Denver P.D. and ask. Thanks.

[Dangerously Amused]

20. Yes, you can.

Please let us know how it turns out.

Good luck!

[intheflow]

23. Thanks, D A.

I'll keep you all informed.

[Dangerously Amused]

24. Yep. Check your PM.

[bettyellen]

29. do it ASAP get it on paper, even if they dscourage you...

much better than waiting till you have to call them if it;s a she said she said - they won't know to believe you.

[intheflow]

33. Cops came by and talked with me, but

basically said it was already a "he said/she said" kind of thing and that they couldn't do anything. But at least the visit to the house will make it into the official log book, so if I have to hire a lawyer down the road, they can subpoena that log and show there's a history.

[bettyellen]

35. if you called them and they only spoke w/ you-and wrote it up- then it's a u said thing.

different than if they showed up in the middle of a dispute and it's too confusing.. accusations are flying . this will help if it ever comes to that. this prior conversation will give them a frame of reference.

[KamaAina]

28. And I thought the guy who left Post-It notes on his strainer was bad!

That'll teach a recent college grad to eat ramen noodles: a Post-It note from Herr Roomie reading "Please don't use my strainer any more"!

Shortly thereafter, it was back to the sleazy hotel South of Market in SF.

As for Herr Roomie, he is now an attorney in SF. Be advised. :scared:

edit: too 'recent'

[LisaM]

31. I have been in a situation where I couldn't afford to move - and having a dog makes it harder

I think you need to ask your landlord not to renew the roommate's lease. Then once she's gone, change the locks.

I've never seen a situation this bad, but I've seen roommate situations over the years where one person tried to make the other person feel like a visitor in her own house (my sister had a roommate like this). There's something wrong with people like that.

[intheflow]

32. There certainly is something wrong with that.

That's exactly it, she's trying to make me feel unwelcome in my own home. Geez, if you can't share space with someone else, rent a one-bedroom apartment someplace, don't rent a room in a house you can't afford to rent by yourself. The rent would be comparable to what she's paying now. Honestly, I think she must have been one of those kids that never learned how to share her toys.

[hippywife]

34. Eeek!

That is no way to live. Can you post in the Colorado forum here and see if there is anyone in Denver who needs a roomie and is willing to help you get out of this situation?

[intheflow]

36. Well...

as a mod, I wouldn't want to live with a DUer. Just in case I have to ban their bad ass. :rofl:

Seriously, though, maybe not a bad idea. They might have friends who are looking for roomies.

[applegrove]

37. What about subletting your half? Does the landlord allow that?

[intheflow]

40. Landlord allows subletting wiht her approval.

But honestly, I couldn't inflict my roommate on anyone else. I couldn't even convincingly lie about it, I have no poker face whatsoever. :-(

[applegrove]

42. I hear ya.

[cwydro]

38. I would get the hell out of there.

I cannot imagine living in those circumstances. If you lose your deposit, oh well, it is better than losing your sanity or health due to such horrific living conditions.

[uppityperson]

39. Hey itf.

What a situation to have to deal with. I just checked in the lounge and found your posts, good lord. Sounds like you are taking the right steps to deal with getting out of this situation, but wanted to say good luck and don't put up with this for longer.

I am sorry about your friend who died. You are a caring loving person and my condolences on losing a good friend.

Hugs to you.

[intheflow]

41. Thanks, up.

I've got a call into legal aid to see if they can help me get out of the lease. I think I found a law that said if I left my landlord would have to make a good faith effort to find another tenant and then could not collect double rent, so that may be what saves me. But then again, that same web site said the term "domestic violence" applies to roommates, but both the police and the Denver Safehouse told me it only covers violence between intimate partners. I just hope legal aid takes my case.

Of course today my car's transmission has started to slip, so that's another expense I have to pull out of my butt. Sometimes I wonder if my name is Job. :(