Forgiveness

[malta blue]

I really try to live my life in the most compassionate way I can and make every attempt possible to be the best person I can.

Why is forgiveness so hard?

I find it so simple to give to others.
I willingly take on the burden of others's problems.

I am really grappling with this forgiveness part. I am so disgusted with the STBE in so many ways. I don't know how I can ever get over the anger and disgust and forgive to the extent that all the philosophies I consider worthwhile would expect me to.

I know it takes time, but I don't know if I can do it.....

[lost-in-nj]

1. MB there are times

that I have come to a place where I believe I can forgive him......

it's almost calming. BUT then the knife gets twisted and I am back to where I
was almost in the beginning..... like today... some crap in the mail, letting me know what he's up to. I don't want to know.... but some confirmations have to come here

:hug:

lost

[malta blue]

4. I'm sorry lost

:hug:

I don't know that I can live with this feeling inside me.

There is only one other person who I have not forgiven for wrongdoings and as far as I am concerned, that person is dead. I do not think of her, I want to know nothing about her.

I just want this to go away.

[lost-in-nj]

17. Damn it MB

I hope it does...


go away

:hug:



lost

[KitchenWitch]

2. You will get there if that is what you strive for.

It may take a lot more time than you want it to, but you will get there.

:hug:

[malta blue]

5. I really hope so.

Forgiveness is the essence of unconditional love and I don't know that I can get there with this one.

[undeterred]

3. forgiveness takes time

I haven't been posting in your threads but I know you are going through something major right now like a separation/divorce.

I think that forgiveness is kind of a lost art. Most of us just leave nowadays. We arrange our lives so we don't have to deal with the other person.

But forgiving makes us better people.

I just know that its a really hard thing to do in a short time. Its a process, and it takes time. And if you can do a little more each day it gets easier.

[malta blue]

6. Thank you for your encouragement

It will take some time, I hope. I just don't want it to be something that never comes....

[undeterred]

16. I don't even know if we have total control over it.

Sometimes I think its the big things in our lives that change us and give us a bigger perspective and then we are able to turn around and forgive others more easily. When my father died I weighed all the good things and the bad things. You don't forget the bad stuff but you forgive it, and you choose to remember the good stuff.

I think death and getting older make you realize that it 'makes sense' to forgive, but it doesn't make it any easier. And some people forgive the most outrageous things while others hang on to the smallest hurts forever.

[Haole Girl]

7. They say you can't move on until you forgive...

but in your case, I wouldn't even worry about it right now.

There will be a day when it will be needed... but why rush?! :hug:

[malta blue]

8. It feels so awful inside.

I hate feeling angry, and having him around trying to be nice makes it even worse in some ways - but it's only until Sunday.

I really, really try to not harbor ill will towards people in my world (Bu$hCo is a different story :P). It has never been hard for me to forgive folks almost immediately for things they have said or done to me. This one is not so easy.....

[Haole Girl]

11. You deserve to be angry at him

Youre feelings are justified. :hug:

[malta blue]

12. thank you

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

13. You're welcome

Write me if you'd like. I have some experience with this situation first hand. I know how it can be... really. :hug:

[Frosty1]

35. You are absolutely right on KC2

Malta You need every bit of your rage and anger to get through this divorce. Your rage will help you protect yourself. Once you are through the divorce you will need to work on your anger because it (carried to an extreme) will only hurt you.

After my divorce I saw a huge rock on the side of the road that I drove past every day. I used that Rock to unleash my rage. I screamed at it I cursed it I called that rock a fuckin sonofabitch every time I drove past it. It took me 2 years of raging at that rock until one day I drove past it and forgot to curse at it. That was the beginning of my healing. Forgiveness took longer.

I heard someone say once If someone steals from me In my mind whatever they have stolen from me I give to them freely That way, I do not carry my toxic rage and victimize myself with it

:hug:

[DS1]

9. waaay too early to be thinking about that now

[malta blue]

10. I hate feeling angry

I just want that horrible feeling to go away.

On edit:

Thank you :hug:

[Frosty1]

37. Anger is an unpleasant emotion at times.

But so is fear,sadness,loneliness, and a whole lot of other emotions we experience a part of being a human being. It's when we try to deny, bury, suppress, or let these emotions take over our lives that we get in trouble with them.
:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. forgive yourself for being human first.

this things just happened. from what it seem out of nowhere. you have to forgive yourself for being human and allow yourself to heal before you forgive your ex.

[LynzM]

15. Big hugs, MB

As you said, it takes time, and that's not something you've had, yet... hang in there, one day at a time, one hour at a time, for now, and deal with the processing and forgiveness when you have more space and time. :hug:

[Forkboy]

18. What you're going through is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.

The pain of betrayal from someone who claims to love you is overwhelming, often for a long time.

I will say this. I went on to remain friends with most of the girls who cheated on me, but the relationships themselves were toast. Without that trust there was nothing, despite two of them asking for my forgiveness. It just wasn't in me then, or even now, for that matter. I don't think that makes me less of a person, but others might see it that way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your forgiving him is ass-backwards, for starters. He owes you one, not the other way around. Secondly, even if you never do forgive him that doesn't make you a bad person at all. Those philosophies you speak of are great, but sometimes they don't quite work when real life steps in, and while you're dealing with such a raw, naked emotion.

In time maybe you can forgive him, but if you can't I wouldn't get down on yourself for not being the person you want to be. You didn't fuck things up, he did. You already were the person you want to be by remaining loyal to him when he wasn't returning the same loyalty back to you.

Your post here kind of scares me, because in some ways I see you trying to take on blame (or at least painting yourself as somehow being in the wrong here), and I think that's a mistake. While it's good you're thinking of the person you want to be, you're also taking on some burden for how things are right now, and it's clearly not your fault that this happened.

Don't try to force your feelings on this. If you reach the point where that forgiveness can happen that's great. But it's not wrong of you if you never do reach that point. The fact that you're even thinking forgiveness now tells me you're already pretty close to the person you're aiming to be.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

19. in my very humble opinion

Maybe this isn't the time to think about forgiveness. Trust that, being who you are, you will be able to consider thinking about forgiveness after ample time has passed, and let that be enough.

JMHO. YMMV.

[knowbody0]

20. I had trouble with that as well.

My therapist recommended "Radical Forgiveness" as a liberating tool for me, and wow, did it work. Might be too soon for you, but keep it in mind. you can google it for tid bits.

[RetroLounge]

21. Going on 3 years now and I'm not there yet...

and I have to see her every single day...

all I can do is give you a hug.

:hug:

RL

[kwassa]

22. Forgiveness is for you, not for him.

It allows you to release the anger and move on. You just might not be there yet.

but as the old joke goes, if he constantly lives in your mind, he should pay you rent.

[Shine]

23. Forgiveness is taking back your power from being wounded.

It's for YOU and not your partner. :hug: It's about YOUR healing and not about your partner's actions.

Everyone can learn to forgive. It's a choice.

I recommend you check out the books of a friend of ours, Dr. Fred Luskin, wrote:
Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love
http://www.amazon.com/Forgive-Good-Proven-Prescription-Happiness/dp/0062517201
He teaches online classes in forgiveness, too.
http://www.learningtoforgive.com/schedule.htm

Good stuff. Hang in there, sweetness. :hug: :loveya:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

24. You need to tend to your wound first...

You don't have time to focus on him right now...that won't help you heal.

You need to cleanse the wound with your tears. You need to disinfect it with loving kindness for yourself, and bandage it by surrounding yourself with dear friends and things that you love. It will help if you're open to your loved ones and sympathetic with them when they suffer as well. As painful as this is for you, it's also a very beautiful time for you, because your tenderness lends itself to compassion perfectly.

Acknowledge your anger when it arises without either judging it or acting upon it. Don't worry about how much time it takes to forgive him...let your desire to eventually forgive him be enough.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[Jamastiene]

25. I find forgiveness much much easier to give than receive.

I always stay on guard when I need forgiveness and someone actually gives it to me. It's like I expect them to retaliate. I never mean anyone any harm, but shit happens and I fuck up. So, when I need forgiveness, I always think that they think I meant to cause harm when I didn't. Pins and needles.

[Angel]

26. Forgiving is very hard.

You are angry and hurt. Let those feelings bounce around and exhaust themselves before even trying to forgive. It has been almost 10 years since my divorce, there are days when I think I am on the verge of finally forgiving completely. I won't go into details, but some things just aren't forgivable or forgettable. You learn to just let them go and live by the best advice I have ever known..live one day as it comes. Some are good and some aren't, but you are living and learning.


Give yourself time, him still being in the house makes it even harder for you to sort the feelings out. When you no longer have to see him every day it will get easier to get through the feelings. It's hard,I know that. But until you can get through the anger and hurt feelings you can't expect yourself to forgive easily. No great philosopher has lived your life, you do and only you can decide when you are ready to forgive.

I wish you the best. You can get through this, it will take time but you will get to where you want to be. As a wise man once told me, You can't stop your feelings , they are what they are. But you can control where they take you in life. Perhaps one day he will forgive me also.

[Zavulon]

27. I see a whole lot of

cocktail party psychology in this thread, and I sincerely doubt if any of this one-size-fits-all support group jargon is really worth anything. No offense to anyone and not mentioning anyone in particular, but if there were an effective scientific approach to any of this it wouldn't be a secret for very long.

Instead of trying to comply with some "philosophy you consider worthwhile," trust your OWN instincts and do things at your OWN rate. There isn't a timetable here.

[Orsino]

28. Apology and atonement usually preceed forgiveness.

Bless you for trying to skip ahead, but it's going to be tough without a little help from the STBE. x(

[YankeyMCC]

29. If you get an answer let me know

I also try to live a life of compassion and non-judgmental way, acknowledging that I have not walked in another person's shoes and knowing that people are flawed and if you are going to care for them you must accept them as they are.

It sometimes takes me a long while to get to what you would call forgiveness. But I don't seem to be getting there with my STBE, the cut was too deep.

[Fleshdancer]

30. I rarely forgive

It takes a lot to hurt me, but when I do get hurt I never forget no matter how much I try to forgive and I rarely try to forgive because it makes me feel like a fool (I know it's probably not healthy, but I don't care).

When I do try to forgive, I think the reason why it is SO hard is because I would NEVER do to the person what they did to me to cause the pain in the first place.

For example: It would never occur to me to disown my half-sister after our father died, but she seems to think it's ok. How do I begin to forgive this and why? Forgiveness seems to be ideal for the small things, but I can't find any reason for it when your heart is crushed and your soul is rattled.

[Iggo]

31. Forgiveness.

Sorry. I just can't help it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw2QnANVmrU

[zanne]

32. Once your wounds heal a little, it'll be easier.

We're all human. If you're able to forgive someone who hurt you so badly so quickly, get thee to Rome because you're about to be canonized.

[SmokingJacket]

33. You need time to be good and angry first.

Forgiveness can come later, when the anger stops being relevant.

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will get better.

:-)

Best wishes to you! In time, my friend. In time.

[NJmaverick]

36. In Yoga they say forgiving another,

even one that didn't ask for or even deserve forgiveness, is a positive and liberating thing to do. The number one person that benefits from the forgiveness is yourself. After all holding a grudge hurts the spirit of the grudge holder more than it does the target of the grudge.

[malta blue]

38. that is what I am looking for - to liberate myself

from this anger.

Thanks

[NJmaverick]

39. You're welcome and good luck

:hug:

[Shakespeare]

41. Exactly right.

It's all about freeing yourself from ugly, negative energy. :thumbsup:

[philosophie_en_rose]

40. Forcing it won't work.

If you just suppress your anger and hurt, "forgiveness" is just self-harm.