so all those experienced with Divorce...tell me how

[greenbriar]

how do you finally make that break


how do you find a lawyer...do you need a lawyer


how do you arrange bills....loans, house, property



how do you tell the kids?

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. I haven't done it, but my gut feeling is find the lawyer first. You might get some

answers on the financial stuff from him/her.

:hug:

[flvegan]

2. If there are kids, a home, or a serious division in income...you need a lawyer.

I did mine myself, and ours was quite amicable. But then, I really didn't have anything at the time and we both wanted out.

[NMDemDist2]

3. I don't have kids, so both divorces started with

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
Id like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said its really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning wont be lost or misconstrued
But Ill repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, jack
Make a new plan, stan
You dont need to be coy, roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, lee
And get yourself free

Just slip out the back, jack
Make a new plan, stan
You dont need to be coy, roy
Just listen to me <-----------
Hop on the bus, gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why dont we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning youll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, jack
Make a new plan, stan
You dont need to be coy, roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, lee
And get yourself free

You just slip out the back, jack
Make a new plan, stan
You dont need to be coy, roy
Just listen to me <------------
Hop on the bus, gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, lee
And get yourself free


but maybe talk to at least a paralegal first....

[MrCoffee]

4. If it's amicable, divorce is one of the only legal issues you can DIY

If there's any contention at all, however, get a lawyer.

[Raven]

5. I don't know if you're a Mom or a Dad but, stay in the home. Don't leave

until you have talked to a lawyer.

[lost-in-nj]

6. I would talk to a lawyer

initial consultations are usually not as expensive as hiring one....

and at least in NJ , if you talked to a lawyer the lawyer can't represent your spouse.
You can ask these questions to him or her.... I was lucky and the first lawyer I saw is the one I hired because he talked to me as a person
and believe it or not he was honost!!!!
And he didn't charge me for the initial consultation...

:hug: and good luck.....


lost

[Redstone]

7. 1) You decide it's time.

2) You ask around for lawyer recommendations, and be prepared to fire the first two or three when you get sick of the fact that they don't pay any attention to you, despite all the money you're showering them with.

3) Bills? THAT, you try to settle with your ex-to-be if you can manage it, no matter how hard. Leave it up to the court and/or the lawyers, and somebody's going to get screwed. And put your agreement in writing, and you BOTH need to stick to it.

4) Tell the kids the truth. No anger, no accusations, just the truth that Mom and Dad can't live with each other anymore. And that it's not the kids' fault. You CANNOT tell them that too many times.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I wish I could help more, but I can't lie to you: It's not going to be ANY fun at all.

But you'll live through it, and you will feel better with time. Trust me on this.

Redstone

[Sweet Freedom]

8. Re: kids

I hired a child counselor to tell me what, where, and when to tell the my daughter and I think it was the smartest thing I ever did. (I don't know how old your children are, so...)

I set a date for the SO to move out. I told our daughter two weeks before (which was immediately after Christmas, if you can imagine). I told her in my bedroom, on my bed because that was our most "comforting" place in the house. I did not give any details. Just a very simple, mom and dad don't get along and cannot live together anymore. We both adore you and you had nothing to do with our breakup. You can cry if you want to (counselor told me to make sure she got her feelings out in the open and didn't "stew", which could result in emotional problems later).

I told her what would stay the same (you and I are going to live in the house, we are keeping everything in your room). What would change (I will be taking you to school instead of your dad). And what to look forward to (we're going to invite your friends over more often, we're going to adopt a new kitty, we're going to visit grandma more often, etc.)

Then I told her what I expected of her. I expected her to maintain her grades in school and to help me around the house.

I finished by asking her if she had any questions (It was, "who's going to keep the cat?") and telling her that she could talk to me, dad, grandma, teacher and school counselor anytime she needed to or she could write her feelings in a journal.

I informed her teacher and her school counselor and asked the counselor to check in with my daughter and report back to me weekly. The counselor was happy to help and reported that my daughter was adjusting well and did not need regular counseling.

Sorry for the long post, but I hope this helps you. :hug:

[Sweet Freedom]

9. Do you have an Employee Assistance program at work?

They can refer you to a lawyer and you may even receive a discount.

[supernova]

10. You need a lawyer, and a good one

not just someone you pick out of the yellow pages.

Ask for a referral from family and friends if necessary. Do you have wills? Ask for a referral from the lawyer who drew up your wills. You will need their expertise in drawing up papers and thinking through the process, especially since there are children involved. They can tell you the laws governing divorce, settlement, and custody for your state.

Think about what you want. What assets/debts do you want and belong to you? What assets/debts belong to him? This includes things/assets/debts accumulated during the marriage. What do you want a single life to look like?

SOteric was right and finished the though I started in the other thread. Have your own account (IN YOUR NAME ONLY) and put away a little money in it every month. Whatever you can spare. $10, $20, whatever.

Separate your finances. Have your paychecks redirected to be deposited in your account only if you are presently in a joint account with him. Leave him with the joint account if necessary. Take your name off it. Split up any common credit cards you have. But keep one in your name only. Actually you will probably have to be reissued a card. But that's OK.

I left an emotionally and financially abusive marriage after nine years because I realized that whatever happened to me a single person would be far less traumatic than my then married present. I simply couldn't stay anymore. So I didn't. Best decision I ever made. :-)

[greenbriar]

13. We already have seperate accounts...(we are on each others account for emergencies)

but we each have our own accounts and our own credit cards

my daughter is 16 and going to graduate HS next year...one year early

I don't care to keep the house I would just need some small apartment

I want the TV and the Bose Stereo and the dishes and my CD's and DVD's and the car oh and my cat and some of the furniture


I could really care less about everything else

[Shakespeare]

18. If you're on each other's accounts, then you do NOT have a separate account.

If he's got signature privileges with your account, then any money you keep in that account can be taken out by him. If you're the primary account holder, you can have him taken off. Otherwise, you're going to have to open a new account under your name ONLY.

[supernova]

19. I did something similar

We didn't have very much in the way of material assets and I didn't care about it anyway. I elected to take the things that I started the marriage with (some furniture my parents had given me and the stereo. lol, I can do without a lot, but music is a necessity), but I left the rest with him because he was the one caught up in the desire for stuff. I really didn't want it. I just wanted to be free.

You already have a head start with your finances already being separated out. edit: Do remove his name from your account. And have him remove yours from his account. Otherwise, you are still liable for any debts he incurs. And he could (potetentially) spend out your funds in your account. If you think, it can't happen to you; remember: a good offense is the best defense. Divorce is a lot like death in that grief makes people do crazy things. Don't let yourself be a victim of that.

Just be honest and matter of fact (without going into too many details) with your daughter. She'll do fine.

It is very painful in the present, but you trade that for knowing that the future will be different.

My heart goes out to you.

:hug:

[Shakespeare]

17. Bah. Were you married to my ex?

"emotionally and financially abuse" Yup. Divorce was the last thing I thought I wanted, and ultimately the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank GOD we didn't have kids.

:hi: :pals:

[supernova]

21. You too?

:pals: :hi:

Yes, it's the best thing I've ever done. :D

[Shakespeare]

25. Yup.

I got tired of supporting his sorry ass (refused to work). Got tired of selling off my possessions to pay bills because he wouldn't work. Also got tired of being called a "fucking cunt" any time I nicely (and gingerly) asked him to cut back on the drinking. Mmmmm...pills and booze. What a winner he turned into!

He was actually stunned when I told him I was leaving (and I, of course, was the villain). He's been fired from three different jobs in the last 18 months since I left. Good freakin' riddance.

[supernova]

26. Ha, mine was very surprised too

when I left (12 1/2 years ago)

My mom and my sister helped me move my things out and I left. As I was moving out; removing things from the kitchen, he was putting some fine china his mother had given us for christmas up in the cupboard. (I had kept it in the box when not in use to protect it.) It was kinda sad. but I didn't care by that time.

I never knew for sure, but later one when I did some research, he really struck me as fitting the profile for Borderline Personality Disorder. He couldn't keep a job, depended on me for pin money, even though I didn't make 20K in those days. We always had one car and I had to depend on him dropping me off and driving me to work. He was always at least an hour late in the afternoons.

He spent his evenings talking long distance on the telephone and running up huge phone bills($300+ was typical) we couldn't afford, and otherwise not interacting with me at all :-(

I got yelled at for the smallest things, often for no reason at all, just because I was there. He was mean and scary most times and horny the rest. :wtf:

[Sweet Freedom]

35. Me three. /nt

[madinmaryland]

11. Since there are kids involved, a lawyer is an ABSOLUTE Must.

It is not a DIY thingie. I went through a divorce in the 90's and there are a lot of ins and outs in regards to child custody and support, in addition to how to divvy up what is left of your joint property.

I would suggest talking to friends about attorneys and even interview a few until you fell confortable with one.

Good luck.

[PeaceNikki]

12. Ask others for names of good lawyers.

Testimonials are important.

Ask a lawyer the rest.

And, if I were you - I'd stop talking about it on the internet. Especially specifics on a public board. If he knows or finds out you post here and finds any of the posts you've made discussing it and or him, it could prove to be a big mistake.

[lunatica]

14. Get a lawyer

Even if you both agree to be decent about getting a divorce it will most likely get very ugly at some point. Then it's the lawyer who writes the letters, gets the signatures, etc., etc.

Be prepared for your kids to act out over time. My parents got divorced and it was horrible, even after it was horrible when they were together and we wanted them to just stop fighting all the time. It's just horrible. You see the two people you love most hurting each other. As a child your life simply falls apart. Of course, in time the kids get used to it, and especially now when most kids come from divorced parents.

Never, never use your kids to fight each other. It is the worst thing you can do to your kids.

Always remember that there is life after divorce and that it's almost always far far better than the marriage you're leaving. This includes your kids' lives. They will be glad you got a divorce in time.

I got a divorce in 1995 and have not only never regretted it, but I've decided I will never get married again. Discovering the freedom of not being part of a two person decision making machine was liberating! I'm not against marriage, just found out it isn't for me. It's too confining.

edited to add the last paragraph

[lunatica]

15. Sorry, I meant to reply to the OP. nt

[flvegan]

23. I want to second PeaceNikki's advice about

posting about specifics on the internet. Consider that anything you type can be read back to you in court, if it's found.

This is a very good point, PeaceNikki, thank you for making it.

[Bennyboy]

31. Oh yeah, for sure stop posting this shit here........

Trust me from experience. My ex Wife still goes on the net on some of the boards I frequent. She made a post that was all lies and I still see it pop up every once in a while. She freaking stalks me on the internet and pops up to talk shit or rub my nose in it. If you feel free here now, DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS HERE ANYMORE! Because he will talk shit about you here.

4 Years later and I STILL DO NOT FEEL COMFY on a board I have gone on for seven.

[leftofthedial]

16. our state, Colorado, has a no-fault divorce law

we did it entirely without lawyers. basically, we sold everything and split it all pretty much 50-50.

telling the kids? that sucked. you'll be surprised though. They probably already know.

[mike_c]

20. frankly, it depends on how amicable things are liable to be IMO....

I have divorced more than once. We'll leave it at that, LOL. One time I needed the protection an attorney affords, so I got a lawyer. We also worked with a second attorney who served as a mediator-- not representing either party, but simply helping us negotiate-- my lawyer was strictly my advocate, and could not mediate impartially. My ex did not retain a lawyer. My previous divorce was done much more simply because there wasn't much animosity so we engaged a paralegal to file the papers for us-- neither of us felt the need for the "protection" a personal lawyer offered. We couldn't really afford one anyway, but things worked out for the best regardless.

On the other hand, a lawyer will usually offer you good advice that you might not get otherwise. Be careful, ask around if you have friends who have divorced. One of my lawyer friends once commented that he's glad to practice other types of law because too often "the business model for divorce lawyers is to litigate until the money is all gone." That's one reason I like mediation-- the mediator helps you reach an equitable settlement rather than acting as a gladiator to bleed everyone concerned.

I suppose "get a lawyer" is better advice than "negotiate the hazards of dissolving a marriage on your own," but my experience is that the latter is way less expensive and way more amicable than the former, if you and your STBE can manage it. One of my ex-wives is one of my best friends, twenty years later. Another (the alcoholic one) still hates me passionately. She and I NEEDED legal watch-dogging, but it was not a pleasant way to end things.

Another thing you might want to think about is counseling-- not necessarily MARRIAGE counseling but rather SEPARTION counseling. Find an advocate who can help you understand your state's laws, and perhaps separate for a time while you and your husband both reconsider your options and your hopes for the future. Perhaps a local womens' shelter or advocacy group can put you in touch with an appropriate person. I'll suggest al-anon again, too. Most folks in al-anon have dealt with these questions to one degree or another. Some will likely have many of the answers you're looking for.

Good luck!

[madrchsod]

22. nothing to add but everyone who`s posted has the right ideas

been there and done that...

sometimes we may be jerks but when someone is need we are here... :grouphug:

[Taverner]

24. All I know is from other people. If you are sure it will be amicable...

Get one lawyer or an arbitrator to share between you two.

If not, get a lawyer soon!

[Whoa_Nelly]

27. If really considering divorce...Step One

Find your taxes (joint and/or otherwise) for the past 2 years.
Make copies for your files

Make copies of all bank account, savings account statements over the past two years
Put those in your file.

Any and all assets, liabilities, mortgages, credit card statements over the past two years....make copies, and put those in your file.

Until you have accountability for all co-mingled money, and all money income from the both of you, do not go to an attorney.

Now, that said...
Since you asked about what to do first, that is THE most important initial step to take.
If you don't do this before you seek an attorney, and your husband gets wind of any of this, you could end up missing important financial information/documents even before any kind of proceedings begin.

Protect your financial health first.

Step Two
During initial appointment with a FAMILY/DIVORCE attorney, have the bottom line on all taxes, total of current credit debt,
outstanding bills, mortgage, etc.
This will save you and your attorney a lot of billable time in getting things together to proceed.

Step Three
Once papers have been served and/or you have officially separated (and you document the date each person begins a separate residence), then take on at least two new lines of credit in your name only. As a woman beginning again on your own, it's important that you create a personal credit history that has nothing to do with the marriage.
Also, if possible, finagle it that he moves out the home (if you own it) rather than you moving...it can make a huge difference as leverage if needed re: end finances and dividing the "sticks" (tangible bits and pieces.)

Step Four
Document, document, document!
Whether it's more BS from one of his drunken nights, the over-expenditure of money on personal vices by him, and whatever/anything else, keep a running diary.
Divorce can boil down to a he said/she said when it comes to proving who should pay what, where/how assets should be divided, etc.

Final thought:
If he has earned the lion's share re: total marriage income, AND, dependent upon your state's law, and the length of your marriage and your personal earning power as you get back on your feet financially, seek alimony per the state alimony equation (yes, there are equations/formulas to determine these things.) Even if you don't get alimony, asking for it can be a good financial leverage tool.

OK...gotta go
Just wanted to share from one who has been there more than once...have learned A LOT over the years in what to do to make sure I would survive financially...and you can, too. :hug:

[Callalily]

28. There's sound advice above

so I'm just sending my support and lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Good Luck! The first step is the hardest. You'll be just fine.

[kentauros]

29. Online divorce.

"3stepdivorce"

We're doing it. That is, my past-wife and I are almost done with the documents they create from a list of questions. It's relatively painless and no lawyer is needed. I'll just take the signed paperwork to the county courthouse when we're done, sign some more, maybe tell the judge in person why we're getting divorced, watch him or her sign the paperwork off and I'm done, other than some fee-paying :)

[Sock Puppet]

32. wow. thanks for the rec. do you have kids?

[kentauros]

34. You're welcome :)

No children, luckily, and the divorce is uncontested; we're still friends :)

Once we finish all the paperwork, it should be pretty simple to get the legal parts done. I have looked at the paperwork it generates for you and they are very thorough.

[SPKrazy]

30. As one who is only a step ahead

the break... talk... but you may need to have your ducks in a row first, consider your own situation.

Ask for word of mouth reputation for attorneys, or phone book.

Bills, loans, house, property, depending on whether it is going to be contested, uncontested, and your state's divorce laws will make a difference.

I don't know how to tell the kid(s) yet.

:hug:

[Tektonik]

33. As a child of a recent divorce

Keep your kids out of the matters please.

My mom had the good lawyer, and she got the better end of the deal by far.

[Sweet Freedom]

36. Warning about the online divorce

Someone upthread posted that suggestion, and when dealing with a rational person, I think this is great advice. But since you are dealing with an alcoholic, I do not recommend it. (I've spent way more money than necessary because I tried to take the amicable, inexpensive route that my alcoholic SO agreed to, and then copped out of.)

Find yourself a lawyer with years of experience in your county. Interview a few of them (the initial consultation is usually free.) Ask people you know who their divorce lawyer was. You may not find a lawyer this way, but I bet you'll find out who not to hire. :)

Once you've picked a few lawyers to interview, call the ABA and see whether or not they have any complaints against them.

[seabeyond]

37. greenbriar. i am so sorry.

take care of you and yours. i dont know answer to any of your questions. just hug and support

[cynatnite]

38. My ex was too lazy to deal with all that...

I took care of it all. He just got a lawyer and showed up for court.