Post your favorite "groaner" joke

[jgraz]

Here's mine:

You say Carmina, I say Carmana
You say Burina, I say Burana
Carmina! Carmana!
Burina! Burana!

Let's Carl the whole thing Orff.

[DarkTirade]

1. That was bad.

I think I'll be Haydn until this thing passes over. I won't be Bach for a while.

[Spiffarino]

7. Humperdinck?

I barely knew her!

[bbernardini]

43. Perhaps you can play a game of Haydn Go Seek.

I used to try to convince my students that he invented Hide and Go Seek. Some of them actually believed me.

[DarkTirade]

50. My best, and most successful attempt at fooling someone

with a composer's name was back when I was in high school. I was in a group that was doing a few of the Brandenburg concertos, and my brother asked me who wrote them. I said, "Duh! Brandenburg." He just said, "Oh." and looked down rather sheepishly.

Then my mom made me tell him who actually wrote them. :P

[Thurston Howell III]

2. Fabulous!!

Three guys go to heavan. The first guy got handcuffed to the uglyest girl in heaven. So he ask St. Paul.. ’’why?’’ ’’Because you threw a rock at a birds head when you were little.’’ said St. Paul. The Second guy gets hancuffed to the second uglyest girl in heaven. So he asks.."Why?" Saint paul told him that he threw a rock at a little birdies head when he was little.

However.. the third guy gets handcuffed to the SEXIEST woman in heaven. so he ask St. Paul.. "Why do i get the sexiest girl and they get the ugly ones?" .. "Ah my son.. its simple.. the beautiful one THREW A ROCK AT THE BIRDS HEAD...there for..she's getting punished!"

[jgraz]

16. Here's my favorite "people go to heaven" story

Three couples are waiting in line at the pearly gates. The first goes to St. Peter and asks if they can come in. St. Peter stops the husband and says, "I cannot let you in. You have devoted your entire life to nothing but the acquisition of money. Your obsession is so strong that you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter lets Penny through but sends the husband to Purgatory.

The second couple approaches. Again, St. Peter stops the husband, saying, "You, too, cannot enter. You have spent your entire life in the pursuit of drink. Again, your addiction is evident in your choice of spouse, whose name is Sherry." Once again, Sherry is let in but the husband is turned away.

As the third couple approaches the pearly gates, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Come on, Fanny. Let's get outta here."

[Thurston Howell III]

26. .

:rofl:

[mokawanis]

3. So this horse walks into a bar,

orders a drink, and the bartender says, "why the long face pal?"

[DarkTirade]

25. A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"I'd like a.... ...... ..... ..... beer, please."

The bartender sas, "Why the long pause?"

[Robb]

32. A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshoppers says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?" :D

[DarkTirade]

34. A nun, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

the bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

[pokerfan]

47. A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink.

"Got any ID?" asks the bartender.

The Texan replies, "About what?"

[youthere]

38. A priest walks into a bar...

and said "OUCH! Who put this damn bar here?"

[youthere]

37. Bear walks into a bar...

walks over to this woman sitting there and devours her, then sits down and goes to order a drink. He suddenly starts yawning and can barely keep his eyes open..He says "Man! Why am I so tired?" and the bartender replies "Because that was a BAR-BITCH-YOU-ATE" ( Barbituate)

[TheMightyFavog]

4. Here's mine...

Standing around his earthquake-shattered home, Bob stood up and dusted himself off. As he surveyed the devastation of his suburban Los Angeles neighborhood, sighed and muttered,

"The San Andreas can't be responsible for all of this!"

But then again, Bob was always generous to a fault.

[Spiffarino]

5. Worst riddle ever.

Why is a giraffe's neck so long?

Because its head is so far from its body.

Edit: Rec'd due to fun factor.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

6. The hunter that lived next door.

The hunter went out and shot a big furry animal and skinned it. He came home with the fur and made clothes for his family.

The hunter's wife came outside in her new top. The neighbor averted his eyes.

Why?

Because thou shalt not witness bear falsies against thy neighbor.


:eyes:

[Spiffarino]

8. What do you call...

...a Raggedy Ann doll lying in a mud puddle with a rock in its mouth?

A dirty cotton rocksucker.

[Hand]

9. So Paris Hilton walks into a bar...

and the bartender sez...




































Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:hide:

[CreekDog]

10. that stupid Brazillion joke

:banghead:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

11. I love it! Knock knock!

Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?

Philip Glass.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

20. That one made me ROFL!

[bbernardini]

44. Brilliant. nt

[pokerfan]

12. The Mahatma

You can really shag up this dog story but I won't here. Here are the main points to get across for the set up.

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He was also a very spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a ....












(wait for it)















(wait for it)










































"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

[FlyingSquirrel]

19. Dude that rocks!

:yourock:

[av8rdave]

13. This rare, remote tribe had the unusual tradition of electing their king

One particular king was approaching the end of his term, and realized that what he would miss most about the job was the throne: a huge, carved, elegant bejeweled throne, fit for a, well, a king!

So on the last night of his reign, he had some of his staff sneak the throne out of the palace, and hide it up in the bamboo rafters of his thatched hut.

A couple of nights later, the weight of the throne was too much. It crashed down through the rafters and crushed the former king to death as he slept.

The moral of the story?

If you live in a grass house, don't stow thrones!

[ncabot22]

14. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

[Inchworm]

15. Why did the monkeys stop playin poker in the jungle?

TOO many cheatas!

:hi:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

17. There was a man who got himself a clone.

He tried to train his clone to act properly. The clone would curse all the time. They were staying together in a hotel room. One night the original man couldn't take the clone's foul mouth any more, and pushed him over the hotel balcony railing.


What was the man charged with?

Making an obscene clone fall.

[Mendocino]

18. What did the snail say while riding

on a turtle?











"SLOW DOWN"

[FlyingSquirrel]

21. Bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears."
Bear says, "I'll tear you limb from limb if you don't give me a beer."
Bartender: "Sorry, no beer for bears."
The bear sees he's not getting anywhere, looks around and sees a woman at the end of the bar.
"If you don't give me a beer I'm gonna eat that woman."
Bartender: "Sorry pal, no can do."
So the bear eats up the woman. "Now you see I mean business," he says. "Gimme that beer right now."
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve bears or drug offenders beer in this bar."
Bear: "Drug offender? What are you talking about?"

Bartender:

.




..




...




....








"That was a bar bitch you ate."

[FloridaJudy]

22. A frog hops into a bank

And asks to speak to the Loan Officer. He's escorted to the office of Ms. Patricia Mack, the head of the loan department.

He hops up on a chair, and announces that his name in Kermit Jagger, and that he's the illegitimate son of Mick Jagger and an enchanted Frog Princess. He wants to borrow $100,000 to buy a boat and sail it around the world.

Ms. Mack replies "We usually demand some hefty collateral for a loan of that size. What are you willing to put up?"

The frog reaches into his vest pocket and removes a small, jewel-encrusted elephant. "This once belonged to a fabulously rich Maharajah. It's solid gold, and the gems are real. Christies' has priced it at half a million dollars, and I got it for my birthday. Ask the CEO of this bank: he's a good friend of my father".

Ms. Mack takes the elephant and goes to the CEO's office. She tells him the whole story...frog...Mick Jagger...sailboat..Maharajah..and show him the elephant "And what is this anyway?"

The CEO nods and says...















wait...














it's coming...











"It's a knick-knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

[Capn Sunshine]

23. So , little Tommy has to describe his fathers job to the class..

Little Tommy was in the 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All of the typical
answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Tommy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Tommy aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Tommy, "He plays for the Arizona Cardinals, but I was too
embarrassed to say so."

[FloridaJudy]

24. delete ---dupe

Freakin' AT&T

[SKKY]

27. Have you heard the news??!! Archaeologists have discovered a brand new tribe of...

...Indians living in a very remote region of South Dakota. There are only 500 of them. Every time a new one is born, his/her nipples are removed and the elder, along with the nipples, is offered up as a sacrifice to their gods, thanking them for continued fertility. Wanna know what scientists are calling them? The Indian Nippleless 500.

[dolo amber]

28. What's brown and sticky?

A stick!! :D

[KamaAina]

29. So a baby seal walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a Canadian Club, on the rocks!"

[nomorenomore08]

30. My favorite knock-knock joke:

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot's stuck in the door!

[Merrick]

31. Why did the talking dog smoke so many cigarettes?

Because he couldn't quit.

[Merrick]

33. What did one chromosome say to the other at the dance?

Stop stepping on mytosis.

[FloridaJudy]

35. The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Is ready to retire. After a lifetime of bell-ringing, he's thinking of just relaxing for a bit and taking up a few hobbies, so he places an ad in the paper for a replacement. Alas! Very few people want the job, and no one wants it when they discover how pitiful the salary is. After a few weeks, Quasimodo has resigned himself to ringing for the rest of his life, when late one evening he hears a knock on the door.

He opens the door, to find a man with no arms and no legs banging the door with his head. "I'm here to apply for the job", the limbless guy says.

The Hunchback is aghast. "As a differently-abled individual myself, I'm all in favor of hiring the handicapped, but think, man! The bell tower is 300 steps up, and the Great Bell weighs over a ton: are you physically up to it?"

The applicant responds "Please! I need this job! No one else is willing to hire a quadruple amputee, and I have a family to support. Just let me try it".

Somewhat dubiously, Quasimodo agrees. He watches as the limbless man slowly, painfully inch-worms his way up the 300 steps. He sees the guy glom on to the clapper of the Great Bell with his teeth, and begin to sway his body back and forth like a pendulum.

The amputee gets some momentum going and BANG: his forehead hits the side of the Great Bell. BONG: he sways and his chin hits the other. It's impressive. He's actually doing a decent job of ringing. The Hunchback is on the verge of announcing "You're hired!" when tragedy intervenes: the applicant loses his grip, and goes flying, several hundred feet above the street.

The horrified Quasimodo rushes down the 300 steps to the street. He finds a small crowd clustering around the pitiful body, and a policeman making inquiries. "He died instantaneously", the policeman tells the Hunchback. "Did you know him?"

The Hunch thinks for a second and says...





























































"No, but his face rings a bell".

[mak3cats]

36. Hear about the two antennas who met on a roof and got married?

The ceremony wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent!

[KamaAina]

39. Did you hear about the seventh-grade geometry teacher who was busted at the airport?

She had a compass, protractor and triangle with her.

She was booked on charges of possessing weapons of math instruction. :P

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

40. Once in a land far, far away

there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain to negotiate with the ogre, but before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them all down the mountain. Undeterred, the Trids then thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were worried until they concluded that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, none of the Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a rabbi to help them with the ogre. Soon the rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them down the mountain except for the rabbi. The rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre just laughed, and replied:
























"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

[bbernardini]

41. Dick the Bartender and the Walnut Daiquiri

A doctor walked into Dick's Bar and ordered a walnut daiquiri.

The bartender, who happened to be none other than Dick himself, had never heard of a walnut daiquiri.

The doctor told him to make a regular daiquiri and put a walnut in it. That is what a walnut daiquiri is.

Dick the bartender made him a walnut daiquiri. He was very pleased with it. He enjoyed it so much that he became a regular customer. Every day after he closed his office he would come in and order a walnut daiquiri.

Dick got used to this routine and began to make this special drink every day at 6:00 because he knew that the doctor would be in at 6:05 for his walnut daiquiri.

One day Dick looked at his watch and saw that it was 6:00, time to make the daiquiri.

He started mixing the drink, but he soon realized that he was out of walnuts.

He looked out the window and saw the doctor coming down the street.

He didn't have time to go buy walnuts, so out of desperation he substituted a hickory nut for the walnut.

The doctor took one sip and said, "This is not a walnut daiquiri, Dick!"

Dick replied "No, it's a hickory daquiri, doc!"

[Ptah]

42. I'm looking for the man that shot my paw

[Auggie]

45. Roy Rogers went into town to buy some new shoes.

He found a pair he liked so much that he decided to wear them back to his ranch instead of his usual boots.

On the way home he was attacked by a Mountain Lion. It went right for the new shoes, biting at them until Roy was able to draw his gun and shoot it dead.

Roy thought the Mountain Lion would make a great stuffed trophy for his den, so he flung it over Trigger, tied it down, and continued on home.

Dale Evans happened to see him walking up the trail. She saw the Mountain Lion, saw the result of the attack, and shouted:

"Pardon me Roy -- is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[grannylib]

46. When geese fly in formation, why is one side of the V longer than the other?

There are more geese on that side.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

48. Two men in a bar....

One man in a bar starts ranting about how awful the Green Bay Packers are.
Rotten, terrible, can't pass, can't throw, can't run, you name it.

He adds that the only thing that came out of Green Bay was "the Packers and ugly whores".


2nd man: "Oh yeah, my wife's from Green Bay."

First man: "Oh really? What position does she play?"

[Manifestor_of_Light]

49. Did you know that

80% of the population has hemorrhoids?

and the other 20% are perfect assholes, having had surgery.

[trueblue2007]

51. Lizard's PEE-PEE JOKE

Biology 101

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below should have you laughing out LOUD!

----------------------
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.

Can you help?"

I put my best lizard healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to
tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth." "Oh, gross! " they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear
to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son
urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I
suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silently absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that . .. I'm
picturing you pulling on its . . . it's . . . teeny little . ." She gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.