BUSH JOKES....just in time for the election

[trueblue2007]

Our website http://www.gwjokes.com has been updated with some
new George Bush humor for you. First, we've added a
"Videos" category -
http://www.gwjokes.com/videos/index.php - so check out the
first two videos there:

Bush Bites (lots of Bushisms)
http://www.gwjokes.com/videos/bush-bites.php

President Bush Dance Video (The President shakes a leg to help
raise awareness for malaria)
http://www.gwjokes.com/videos/bush-dance.php

We've also added a couple other things:

Scooter Libby Cartoon
http://www.gwjokes.com/cartoons/scooter-bush.php

Couple new jokes from Jay Leno
http://www.gwjokes.com/jokes/leno.php


 RESUME
   GEORGE W. BUSH 
        1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington,  DC  20520
  EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE 
    LAW ENFORCEMENT


I was arrested in Kennebunkport,  Maine, in 1976 for driving
under the influence
of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my drivers
license suspended for
30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and
is not available.

                                                        
MILITARY

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused
to take a drug
test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the
Texas Air National
Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam. 

                                                       COLLEGE

I graduated from  Yale University with a low C average. I was
a cheerleader.

                                       PAST WORK EXPERIENCE

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil
business in Midland,  Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company,
but couldn't find any oil in Texas.  The 
company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal
that took land
using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our
friends in the oil
industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected governor
of Texas.
                                   

                    ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas
the most polluted state in the  Union. During my tenure, 
Houston replaced Los 
Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in  America. I cut taxes
and bankrupted     the Texas treasury to the tune of billions
in borrowed money. I set the record for  the most executions
by any governor in American history. With the help of my 
brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments
to the Supreme 
Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes. 

                                 ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

I am the first President in U.S.  history to enter office with
a criminal record.  I
invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of
over one billion per
week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the
U.S. Treasury. I    shattered the record for the largest
annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic 
record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month
period.  I set the all-time  record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period. I set the all-time record for the 
biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend
continues every month.

The National Debt has increased more, and at a more rapid
pace, during my
tenure than in the history of the United States .

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of
any administration
in U.S. history.  My "poorest millionaire, " 
Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil 
tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign
fund-raising trips by
a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world
record-holder for receiving the
most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime
campaign contributor, 
and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the
largest corporate 
bankruptcy fraud in U.S.  History, Enron. 

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my
success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election
decision. I have protected 
my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or
prosecution.  More 
time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has 
been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs
 in history. 

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and
refused to intervene 
when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I
presided over the 
highest gasoline prices in U.S.  history. I changed the U.S.
policy to llow convicted    
criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more
convicted  criminals to administration than any President in
U.S. history. I created the Ministry 
of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history
of the United 
States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in
U.S. history. I am the
first President in  U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the 
Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World
Court of Law. I
refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of
war" detainees and thereby 
have refused to abide by the  Geneva Convention. I am the
first President in history
to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002
U.S. election).  I set 
the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the
advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days
on vacation in any one-
year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I
presided over the worst
security failure in U.S.  history.  I garnered the most
sympathy for the U.S. after 
the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made
the U.S. the most 
hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy
in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest 
me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record
for protests against 
any person in the history of mankind. 

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an
unprovoked, pre-emptive attack 
and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so
against the will of the
United Nations, the majority of  U.S. citizens, and the world
community. I have 
cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in
duty benefits for 
active duty troops and  their families-in-wartime. In my State
of the Union Address, 
I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed
the lies on our British
friends. I am the first President in history to have a
majority of Europeans (71%) 
view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
security. I am 
supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker
Buster," a WMD. I have
so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden
[sic] to justice. 

                            RECORDS AND REFERENCES

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father's library,  sealed and unavailable for public view. 
All records of SEC investigations into 
my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in
secrecy and 
unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from
meetings that I, or
my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are
sealed in
 secrecy and unavailable for public review.

[trueblue2007]

1. Bush 2007 quotes -- what a moron.

A look at some of the President's more interesting and sometimes hilarious quotes in 2007:

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured"
- At an appearance with city officials in New York; September 26, 2007


"We're going to -- we'll be sending a person on the ground there pretty soon to help implement the malaria initiative, and that initiative will mean spreading nets and insecticides throughout the country so that we can see a reduction in death of young children that -- a death that we can cure."
- Washington, D.C., October 18, 2007


"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."
- San Diego, California, October 25, 2007


"My hearts are with the Jeffcoats right now, that's what I'm thinking."
- After meeting with California wildfire victims Kendra and Jay Jeffcoat, San Diego, California, October 25, 2007


"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas."
- Speaking on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., September 20, 2007


"Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit."
- Addressing Australian Prime Minister John Howard at the APEC Summit, September 7, 2007


"As John Howard accurately noted when he went to thank the Austrian troops there last year..."
- Referring to Australian troops as "Austrian troops," at the APEC Business Summit, September 7, 2007

[NewJeffCT]

2. WTF? Saddam killed the Mandelas?

was that before or after he ordered bin Laden to carry out 9/11?

[abq e streeter]

3. But outside of these, he's done a HECKUVA JOB