age differences . . .

[mzteris]

how much is too much?

how much is too much if the "older party" is a woman and the "younger party" is the guy?

Why should it be any different? (But it is, isn't it?)

holy. frickin'. cow.

For those who've been following the saga - he's asked me out on a date.

But he has nooooooo idea how old I am. He was SHOCKED that I was "over 40". Honey, I'm so far over 40, there's not a 4 in the number I am. . .

Should I tell him right away? (I'd at least like a kiss first. :blush: so I'd at least have that to remember.)

Is it just wrong? Am I courting disaster? WTF should I do? Just keep my mouth shut - or fess up. And if I fess up - WHEN should I? The sooner the better or can I possibly wait just a little bit?

Life is not even close to funny sometimes. :banghead:

[bertha katzenengel]

1. hiya

I'm eleven years younger than Mrs. V. It's never been a problem and I doubt it ever will be.

But I can't say how that might help you. It might be different for mixed-gender couples.

Be yourself. And don't build yourself up for letdown. I do that frequently and it takes away from the joy of anticipation. Okay, unsolicited advice. Sorry.

Best, my very best wishes to you :hug:

[RainDog]

2. how old is he? n/t

[mzteris]

24. check your pm. n/t

[Oeditpus Rex]

3. I don't think there are actuarial tables for this

Seems to me it's completely up to the people involved, and no one's business but theirs.

[RainDog]

7. agreed

I always ended up with guys younger than me. didn't plan it, just happened. also catholic. I must look like the virgin Mary.

[Solon]

4. I've went out with older women before...

I never really asked them what their age was, they told me on their own. For guys, its impolite to ask a lady's age. I can only speak for myself, but I frankly don't care how old the woman is, if I like her enough to go out with her, that's enough. Sometimes the women had a bigger problem with our age differences than I did.

[Left Is Write]

5. I don't know. All I know is that I am 41 and Mr. LIW is 33.

Works for us.

[Pushed To The Left]

6. Sometimes age is just a number!

I am 12 years older than my girlfriend, and this is very unusual for me. This is the first time in nearly 15 years that I've had a younger girlfriend. The biggest age difference the other way was when I was in a relationship with a woman 9 years older than I was. In my opinion, when it comes to age differences in dating only 2 things matter:

1. That both members of a couple are 18 or over
2. That the couple is happy

[Deja Q]

8. I'm 35 and am most compatible with those between 32 and 47.

:shrug:

[LeftyMom]

9. I think as you get older it matters less, as a general rule.

You're not so far apart in life at say 35 and 52, as you would be at 37 and 20, but it's the same gap.

It's also a matter of personality and interests. My last two partners are ten years or so older than me, give or take a few months. One found that to be a HUGE problem because we had so little in common in terms of music preferences, life experience, etc. The current one is like my (older, male) evil twin. So if there's an incompatibility it might seem more noticeable, but if there's good compatibility and you're both grown and established I don't think a big gap in age is really all that big a deal.

[Fleshdancer]

10. Unless he's a minor, I don't see anything wrong with saying yes to a date.

There's nothing in the dating rule book that says each party must know the exact age of the person they are going on a date with. If you thought this guy was around your age you wouldn't think twice about him not knowing how old you were on the first date?

He asked you. He did so knowing you were older. He did so not caring about the age difference.

The question is this: What do you want?

[some guy]

11. $.02

For me, if the woman is young enough to be my daughter, I would feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure about if she was old enough to be my Mom. I might be okay with that (thinking about some women I knew when I was younger.)

In your situation, my question would be, was he shocked that you were over 40, before or after he asked you out? If he knows you're over 40, and he wants to date you, it must not be a concern for him, so I'm not sure it ought to be a concern for you.

You can certainly wait to discuss your age with him until such time as he asks specifically. Courting disaster? I think the only way to approach relationships is to enjoy them while they last, take what is offered, give what you can give, and don't have regrets.

:hug:

(There will be a 4 in your age again. :) )

[mzteris]

26. Technically,

I guess I AM old enough to be his mother. :blush: Though I would have been a teen mom. . .

He knew I was older when we made plans, but I can't help thinking - he really has no idea HOW much older I am. Not that I look all that great or young or anything but I don't look - my age.


"I think the only way to approach relationships is to enjoy them while they last, take what is offered, give what you can give, and don't have regrets"

Funny - he sent me an email last night saying much the same thing, in an indirect sort of way.

I know I have to tell him. Sooner rather than later. I'm just - afraid. I haven't liked someone - or had anyone remotely interested in me - for a very very long time. It's such a nice feeling, I don't want to lose it.

[Redstone]

12. You're in a damn tough place, and one I'm glad I am not in. There are so many reasons these days why

age becomes almost irellevant, but it's there anyway.

And I understand your conundrum. Mrs R is 54, but looks to be 32 or so. I am 53, but nobody would guess me to be over 40, based on looks.

If either of us were thrust into the "dating game" right now, would we let people make their assumptions, or tell the truth? Hard to say.

But getting back to YOUR situation: Do what YOU feel is right, OK? Were I a woman of your age, I'd be honest and treat it as a challenge...to try to find out if he really likes you for YOU, and not for your age.

But I'm not a woman of your age, nor one in the situation you face, so what the hell do I know?

But hey, I CAN offer you this: Many fish in the sea. If this guy doesn't work out for you, there WILL be another one.

Trust me on this.

Redstone

[mzteris]

27. many fish in the sea?

I'm not so sure about that. :(

I know I have to be honest and tell him. Soon. Maybe today if I see him. (Keep your fingers crossed!)

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

13. If you enjoy each other's company, what should it matter?

Whatever the age difference, it probably won't last. Most relationships don't last anyway, even those where the two partners are perfectly matched. Just enjoy it while you've got it. If both of you are sexually, emotionally, and intellectually compatible, why get hung up on a number? Life's too short to worry about it.

[RainDog]

14. oh, one more thing

yes, kiss, kiss, kiss him. a lot. kisses are good. I don't think he'd be too upset and if he didn't want to kiss you, no one would be forcing him, ya know? bed him if that's where it goes and you can handle the... situation. :rofl:

ENJOY.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. My mother is 15 years older than her boyfriend. He is five years

older than me. Makes for interesting conversations at the supper table. Tell him, let the chips fall where they may. Enjoy whatever is left to pick up. :hug:

[taterguy]

16. Tell him the truth

He's going to find out eventually anyway.

Some people are ok with age differences. Others aren't.

Personally, when I was single I did have some very pleasant experiences with women who were much older than me. However, I wasn't comfortable getting too emotionally involved with them due to things like mutual interests, etc.

It's entirely possible that doesn't matter to the guy you're interested in though.

[YankeyMCC]

17. 15 years

This was posted in the science forum a little while ago:

http://network.nature.com/blogs/user/mico/2007/12/10/is-15-years-ideal-age-difference-between-a-man-and-a-woman

(snip)
BlueSci Editor's blog
Science of human sexuality, prion disease and other intriguing topics...
Date: Monday, 10 December 2007 - 19:10 GMT

Is 15 years ideal age difference between a man and a woman?

This makes no evolutionary sense to me…A new study claims 15 years age difference between man and a woman was an ideal difference for maximizing their biological fitness (number of surviving children, therefore genetic output).

The study looks at 17-19th century Sami people from Finland which were under influence of natural and sexual selection as natural fertility and mortality rates applied, argue the authors.
However, further back in our history we must have been even more at the influences of nature.

Assuming that people lived shorter in our evolutionary history than they do now and that women reached puberty and sexual maturity later than they do now, to achieve this age difference man would have to be around 30 years old in order to marry a reproductively mature woman who is 15 years younger than him.

Now is it just me or would this be some 15 years of reproductive potential wasted for this man? I find it difficult to believe that benefits of him being so much older would be enough to outweigh the costs of not reproducing for such a long time. We have to assume that such an older man would have the better resources to support children, but wouldn’t life span be much shorter in those days and wouldn’t 30 year olds be quite old in those days?

(snip)

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=228&topic_id=36803&mesg_id=36803

[mzteris]

28. but how 'bout

the other way around??

[SPKrazy]

18. Most people are different ages

whether it is a few minutes or a few years, at some point ceases to matter much I think.

I think you should be honest with him.

You can't make him like you, he either does or he doesn't.

He asked you out.

He must be attracted to you.

Be honest with him. He may just like you and not be concerned.

If it bothers him, better to find out now, then after some time with him then find out.

:hug:
good luck!

[SPKrazy]

57. Why who knows

I might find an older woman at my young tender age of 46 :P

:hi:

:hug:

hope it all works out good and you have some good company.

[MissHoneychurch]

19. My mom is 57

her bf 39 .....

is that helping in any way?

[mzteris]

30. yes.

Thanks.

:hi:

[billyskank]

20. I'm happy for you

:hug:

but does this mean you don't need a pool boy any more? :cry:

[mzteris]

31. oh honey-

you can ALWAYS be my pool boy! :hug: :* :loveya:

[TZ]

21. If the person is right for you, age won't matter

I often find those that say the age gap is too large are using it as an excuse to get out of an unwanted relationship..I have had some experience here..When I was 21 I dated a 35 year old guy...And when I figured out he just wasn't for me, instead of hurting his feelings by telling him I plain wasn't attracted to him, I used the age difference thing as one of the reasons why I didn't want to see him anymore...Now ironically I am interested in someone MUCH younger than me...Of course he is one of those REALLY mature people who if you didn't see him in person would think he was my age or older...I was shocked to find out how young he is originally (He's 19 and I am 38). Seems to run in my family...My mother married a man (my stepfather) who is 13 years younger than her.....
If he asks your age be honest, he is attracted to you so I doubt it will make a difference..but you don't need to volunteer either..If you don't treat the age thing as a big deal, I doubt he will either....

[mzteris]

32. thanks

hearing that it "works" for others does give me a bit of hope.

I feel like a silly little school girl. :crazy:

[hippywife]

22. At this point,

it's just a single date. Go out and see what happens. I would however, in the course of conversation during this date, let him know your actual age. If he was shocked when you told him "over 40" he at least deserves to know the truth as soon as possible. That would only be fair to him because how else can he decide if he wants a relationship past this date if he hasn't all the facts to make that decision, should it come to that.

I don't mean this harshly at all but, waiting because you would like a kiss first is thinking only of yourself. Let him know if you really wish to be fair to him. :hug:

[mzteris]

33. you're right, of course.

I know I have to tell him. And sooner rather than later. Before - anything - any line - is crossed that would make it uncomfortable to retreat from.

Yes, I know I'm being selfish to even consider not telling him - before - but honesty is always the best policy. And he's too much of a friend for me to want to screw everything up! There's still "plausible deniability" in what's been going on - just friends, doncha know? Everyone would save face and no one would be really embarassed (even though a bit disappointed. Ok - more than a bit. . .)

[hippywife]

39. I know it can be awful

to be alone for so long with no prospects in sight, I just think that is preferable to having or causing a broken heart. It takes the current situation and compounds it with pain.

This way he has time to digest the age difference, consider the possibilities and probabilities before either of you get so attached the pain is inevitable.

It really is for the best. I do truly hope for your sake he doesn't mind it now, or into the future, and it turns out to be a good thing for you.

[mulsh]

23. Once we hit our mid 20's- mid 60's we're all pretty much the same

age. At least that's what I've thought since I was around 25. I'm 50 now and still very much feel that way. If an arbitrary thing like a difference in age is a problem maybe you both should move on. I suggest you go out with this person, tell him you age and see what happens. you may be pleasantly surprised.

I've gone out with "older women". When I was in my late 20's I went out with a woman in her 50's, we had great times together, dated for a couple of years. I'm years older than my wife but she's the responsible adult.

[ThomCat]

25. When the guy is older it seems like any difference is acceptable.

Guys often date (much) younger women.

If your age bothers him then he isn't paying attention to you as a person. I hope he keeps an open mind, and I hope you get something good out of this.
:hug:

[mzteris]

35. He seems to be

very attuned to the individual. Accepting of people on their own terms and for who they are.

That doesn't mean, of course, he wants to date a woman old enough to be his mother; but we could still, at least, continue to be very good friends. :sigh:

[RainDog]

40. you're not that much older

you're not old enough to be his mother. As you've seen on this list, there are plenty of people who are fine with age differences. What matters to me is if you can have fun together - if you like some of the same things. I know, just from my life experience, that some people are not right for me simply because we don't share enough of the same tastes or beliefs in things - no matter what the age.

I think that shared interests and likes and dislikes are far more important than age - not shared interests in everything, obviously, but enough so that you can stand to be with each other if, say, the electricity went out for a few days. You need more than sex to keep you interested after the initial infatuation.

unless you don't want to talk to him and only want him to drop trou. in which case, nevermind. :) -- I know that's not the case, but had to say it --

men have been doing this for ages and haven't worried one bit. why can't you? don't put yourself into some gender trap.

[judaspriestess]

29. My fiance is 10 years younger than me

I met my sweetie when he was just 22 years old. He latched on to me and did not let go. That was five years ago.

There are many men out there who are much younger than their counterparts and are very happy together and vice versa.

Have fun!!

on edit: I am the one who had more of the issue with our age gap than he ever has. It does not phase him at all.

Reminds me of a spoof on SNL when Ashton Kutcher was host. He brought up Demi Moore (before they married) and they had her dress like an old lady and they made fun of the age gap. It was funny.

[mzteris]

36. now if I just

looked like Demi Moore!

:rofl:

[supernova]

34. I'm dating a guy 15 years older than me

He was drafted in Vietnam. He's four years older than my oldest sister. :crazy:

But he doesn't look it or act it. He has no gray hair, unbelievably.

We seem to find things in common, so it may not matter down the line. I feel comfortable with him right now.

[mzteris]

but would you

date a guy 15 years younger than you? (or more?)

I am very comfortable with him - except for that tension thing that's been going on since we met. ;) I find him intellectually stimulating as well - which is probably more important than just about anything else. Though it doesn't hurt that I find him incredibly attractive. And very sexy. :blush:

[supernova]

38. So that would make him mid-30s?

Yeah, I'd hit it! :P

:D

I think the older you both are, the less the age thing is a big deal.

I don't think I'd want to date someone who is say mid 20s, even though I'd find it flattering. A person that age still has a lot of decisions to make about family, what kind of work, etc.

[Ivan Sputnik]

37. Hey, it's only a date

He didn't ask you to move in with him. Go out and have fun. I don't think you need to discuss your age (or his age) unless it becomes "serious".

[RainDog]

41. LOL

oh you're such a guy...

[krispos42]

42. Dunno, but look at it as a percentage thing.

Do you want your SO to be at least 80% of your age? 70? 110?

Or perhaps a range, say from 75% to 110%.

[skygazer]

43. Tell him how old you are and go from there

I agree with those who said it depends on the people. It does. When I was 18, I had a fling with a guy who was 30 years older than me. I've never regretted it and even considered marrying him. My current SO's former wife was 12 years older than him. It all depends on the individuals.

But he has to know so you can know. How? Casually. "Okay, if we're going out, I do need you to know that I'm ___ years old."

Take it from there.

[tjwmason]

44. I would tell him as quickly as reasonably possible.

If you leave it for a while then there is a distinct possibility that he'll be freaked out, and consider that you've been dishonest with him.

Once you've told him, it's up to you both to decide whether you're happy with the age-difference - it matters to some doesn't matter to others. I tend to be interested in older men, often 20 years my senior. But as Bertha says, things do often have different over/undertones in straight relationships.

[Karenina]

45. GIRLFRIEND!!! CHILL!!!

And don't tell him shit until you get some!!! :evilgrin:

Your OP is SUCH serendipity! I had this discussion with 2 close friends just last night! :rofl::rofl::rofl: We were giggling like teenies!

[greatauntoftriplets]

46. My nephew is 27; his wife is 39

They got married only last May, but have been together for more than three years now. I hope this helps.

[LostinVA]

47. Many people on DU have a BIG age difference between them and their SOs.

I did a thread on it a few months ago. Haruka and I have 18 years difference. I know Debi and Mentalsolstice also have 20+ years with their spouses.

It depends on the people involved, not the number.

[cutlassmama]

55. 16 years difference here.

[Midlodemocrat]

48. Age is just a number. I don't think it matters one whit if you care about each other.

There are so many things that can happen in a relationship, it seems odd to me not to pursue happiness over something like an age difference.

Mr. is six years older than me, FYI.

[Xithras]

49. I've got a great example of how it can be a problem.

My aunt was 45 with a newly minted set of divorce papers when she met and married a 23 year old straight out of college kid. It worked well for them for decades...she was a world traveller with loads of money, he was an energetic teacher who spoke 17 languages. They travelled the world together and were genuinely in love. It lasted 20 years.

She was 65 and ready to settle down for retirement. He was 43 and just hitting high stride in his mid-life crisis. The word "retirement" scared the bejeezus out of him. He took half her money in the divorce and traded her in for a younger model...who he now travels the world with.

Today she's old, broke, lonely, and bitter.

[RainDog]

53. they were together 20 years?!?

in today's terms, that's a looong time. twenty years of great experiences, traveling the world... anyway, you can be married 20 years and be the same age and get a divorce and be old and bitter, you know?

I'd consider 20 years to be a success. but that's just cynical me.

[Xithras]

58. Yeah, the really ironic part...

Is that she got her money ($2.5 million) in a divorce settlement from her first husband...who she was only married to for four years. He got rich, decided he wanted a trophy wife, and dumped her. She took half his money, got herself a trophy husband, and stayed married to him for 20 years.

I think that's why it stung so badly when husband #2 dumped her. It was the same story all over again, only this time it was her money headed out the door.

[Chovexani]

56. I think that's less an issue of age, and more personality

I know plenty of 65 year olds of both genders for whom the word "retirement" is one of the four letter variety, my mom included. Hell, my 80 year old grandmother used to balk at the idea of going to the senior center down the street because she didn't want to be around folks who were just "waitin' to drop" as she put it.

[blondie58]

50. age really is just a number

although I had a hard time convincing myself of that while doing some online dating and being approached by a guy as young as 34 (I was 48). I told him right away and he said that with his life experiences in the Army, etc. he was at least 100 years old and he was the one robbing the cradle! Well, I saw him for about two months and getting together was a problem, as our schedules were different, so we parted ways.

Let him make the decision and tell him when the time is right. I suspect that he doesn't really care.

Good luck, mzteris and we want the scoop!

edited to add- after dating a 40 and 41 year old, I am now with a man who is 9 years older- but we're a good match, politically and otherwise. The only thing is, that there are some generational lapses, I am a youthful now 49 year old, and with my kids, pretty much up to date on the latest pop culture, etc. I am trying to educate him, but he doesn't really care and it doesn't really matter!

[rug]

51. No problem until Chris Hansen showed up.

[cutlassmama]

54. hahahahaha!

:rofl:

[bigwillq]

52. My man is 11 years older than me

and we get along just fine.

Do what feels right. Age shouldn't matter.

[Digit]

59. Ah, go ahead and enjoy it!

One of my best friends who is 60 has a live in boyfriend who is not quite 30.
They have been together for over 4 years now.

I used to enjoy older men myself, but now they all look so darned OLD and have become pickier in their taste for women. I don't even look 50, but am horrified to find a man whom I believe is my age say he
is in his early 40's.

Not that I MIND them being older or looking older, but find out they want someone in their 30's!!!!

Then again, I don't know if I could deal with someone in "my space" (not the site) anyway.

[DarkTirade]

60. Let him know AFTER he gives you your 'special' birthday present... :P

[mzteris]

61. I'm not waiting

until April! :evilgrin:

[mzteris]

62. UPDATE . . .

he doesn't care. Not. at. all.





o.m.g. . .

[SPKrazy]

63. I'll do the happy dance with ya!!!!

so glad for you mzteris

:hug: :hug:

:bounce:

[mzteris]

64. you're the best!

SPK.

You know if we were closer geographically things would be different. :evilgrin:

:hug: :loveya:

[Skittles]

65. I say as long as it's adults and no exploitation is involved

f***ing go for it

[seemunkee]

66. BIL is 45, his wife is 27

shouldn't matter to anyone else if it doesn't matter to you.