I swear, if he picks on me ONE MORE TIME, I'm moving OUT

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

I am getting SO SICK AND TIRED of being chastised for "shopping every day." This after I spent a whopping $29 at PetSmart for a new cat bed and some kitty litter. I can't even remember the last time I went shopping alone. I work, and he's a goddamned doctor, for God's sake. I AM SO SICK OF THIS.

[rug]

1. Your cat has its own bed?

[alarimer]

16. My cat has a queen-sized mattress

Or at least he thinks it's his.

[rug]

18. At least he's willing to share.

[Crazy Dave]

30. Our cats have a whole house

They let me and my wife live with them.

[mreilly]

2. My sympathies

My sister is in a similar situation... she works part-time and is married to an engineer who is the cheapest person I've ever known. She has had to endure criticism for buying "needless" items even with her own income. On one memorable occasion she bought a duffel bag and enlisted my help in claiming it was a gift from me. He tells the family they should only use 2 squares of toilet paper, refuses to permit the cars to be serviced by outside agencies (he does all the automotive work, it's just that it takes him forever to get around to it) and sets the AC to go off only if the temperate goes over 85 degrees! (they live in the upper South). I was amazed when she told me he watches a movie every night and asked "Isn't that wasting electricity needlessly? Why doesn't he just have you all roll off to bed at sunset to save pennies on lighting?"

I hate to say it, but if you're willing to take a risk to be daring, you should skip going to the grocery store (not sure who does what in your house so forgive me if that's not your task) for a week or two, then when he complains the fridge is bare just say "You told me to stop shopping!"

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

5. Believe me, that has crossed my mind

He can get his own damn milk.

He's not quite as cheap as your sister's husband, but he just cannot resist making a comment every time he sees something new in the house. It's not like I'm buying fur coats and cars every day! I come home with a damn cat bed and he goes nuts. I'm a lawyer and he's a doctor - I don't make much, but can't I even have my own spending money?

[RebelSansCause]

7. it sounds like your sister and my mother

met the same person. the engineer do-it-yourself hypocrite on the money lazy person. hey he is my step-father and he is divorced so hmm... not from the south though :(

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. My dear DeposeTheBoyKing...

Seems to me that you need either a marriage counselor...

Or a divorce lawyer...

You have sounded quite unhappy lately...

I'm sorry, sweetie...

:hug:

[SammyWinstonJack]

4. lol

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

6. Ironic - I AM a divorce lawyer

He would do well to remember that.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. You might want to remind him...

But do it subtlely...is that a word?

Like hanging up your diploma or whatever in a very PROMINENT place!

:hi:

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

9. My license and degree are in my office

He's Pakistani - I think to some extent it's a "control your wife" thing. He once told his medical school chum (whom I know well, along with his wife - very nice people) that I love to shop. WOW - how novel! His friend said, "Let her do what she wants - if she's happy, you'll be happy."

He acts like I'm spending thousands a day! I go to the store maybe once a week and spend maybe $80. If I need something from Target, Ulta, Bath and Body Works or the like, I buy it. I HAVE AN INCOME TOO. I'm very tired of him thinking I have to justify it every time I buy something.

I want to say, "If you'd give up your research career and go into private practice, you could make over $300,000 a year!" But I don't because I want him to be happy in his job. Why he can't get off my back?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. I hadn't realized he was Pakistani...

I'm sure there's some cultural stuff going on there...Some men are very controlling...Sounds like he's one of them, alas...

If you want to save or redeem your marriage, then I suggest counseling...

He might well not want to go, though...

Tell him it's your money, and you'll spend it as you wish.

Do you have your own checking account? You should. Me and my husband have our own, and he has NO say in how I spend what I have...

Good luck!

[Crazy Dave]

31. So it appears he wasn't raised in the Ward Cleaver generation

My mom never even had her own checking account when she was married to my dad. She was given an allowance to do all the shopping and pay the bills. If anything was left over out of that then she could get something for herself as long as it was less than $20.

[SammyWinstonJack]

10. So leave.

:shrug: Your kitty will thank you! :silly:

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

11. Kitties - we have 3

I'd have to find a place that'd take 3 cats. Ultimately I want to move to California.

[Flaxbee]

13. Is there a way you can maybe talk about it with him? Without it

turning into a he said / she said kind of thing? Has he always bugged you about shopping? Or is this something new, or did you not notice/care so much because you lived apart while you were in law school (am I right on this? You were in PA while he was in TX?)?

Do you have joint checking, or separate? Maybe you can approach it that way - have a joint account where you decide who contributes what for housing, food, etc., and then a separate one which is yours for whatever you want, be it cat beds, investing in stocks, whatever.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

14. This has been going on for YEARS

I didn't like it when I wasn't working, and I like it even less now that I am. It's not like we're struggling to make ends meet - believe me, I've been there and I know what that's like.

You're correct - I was in PA and he was in TX during my 3L year.

We have had separate accounts, but decided recently just to consolidate and dump everything into one checking account. He was giving me $100 a month to "spend however I want" before I started working. Believe me, he couldn't resist wondering how I spent that piddly $100. He just has to be in control of the monies spent. Of course, it's all right for him to spend $4000 on a state-of-the-art piano keyboard/digital recorder thing that he has used maybe three times in the year since he bought it. Then I buy a $15 cat bed and get my head bitten off.

I'm really considering saying that I will continue to live here, but we will lead separate lives. If he wants to have people over, I'll go elsewhere. He's very social and likes having people over even when I'm not in the mood. I'm very tired of this situation. I just started a new job and don't want to mess that up.

I feel weird posting about this on a public message board, but I just need to vent. I can't talk to my sister about it because she just lost her husband, and I should feel lucky that I still have mine, I guess, but damn it, he's really pissing me off!!!!!

[Flaxbee]

17. well, as all lawyers advise their clients, document things

(I'm a lawyer, too - don't practice anymore, though).

If you love him, and want to have a relationship, you're going to need to resolve this somehow, or just learn not to give a shit when he starts carping.

You can list the stuff he buys (and doesn't use) if that might be a place you could start a conversation. DO NOT offer to leave your own freaking home if he wants to have people over - he can entertain at a restaurant, but if you've just started a new job, you need rest and not to be hassled in your own home.

If you don't want to stay married, then you need to start to plan. But you have to decide - not based on just this one thing that pisses you off. Marriage (as you well know) is hard and no one is perfect.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

38. Sounds exactly like my grandparents!

My grandfather had to have state-of-the-art everything for himself, but if my grandmother asked for a penny above her "housekeeping allowance" or spent it for something besides groceries and supplies, he'd have a tantrum.

My grandmother was not educated and so felt trapped.

You could most likely support yourself if you had to. Unlike my grandmother, you don't have to put up with that crap.

Consolidating the money was a mistake. If I were ever to get married, I'd insist on a common fund for common household expenses but a "no questions asked" account for each partner.

[Blue-Jay]

15. Move out then.

That way you can spend as much money on cat-toys as you see fit.


I work, and he's a goddamned doctor, for God's sake.

Because doctors don't actually work.

[JVS]

24. I think the Doctor comment has to do with how much money he makes, not how much he works

[Skittles]

19. probably has nothing to do with shopping

get him to open up about what is REALLY bothering him

[Gormy Cuss]

29. Yup.

It probably isn't about the shopping.

I agree with the others who suggested counseling.

[Orsino]

20. If you want to have some fun with this...

...thank him sweetly for wanting to pitch in on the shopping. Let him try it out for a while, with lists you helpfully provide.

[Haole Girl]

21. Please go to a marriage counselor...

..and soon. Regardless of the cultural differences - and I know there are many (my husband is from India, btw) - you need counseling. I'm going to send you a PM w/the name of a good one in the DFW area, okay?

I don't know if you two plan on having children, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you need to be extremely careful in that decision. Make sure ALL of your problems are addressed, at least, before even considering children.

Good luck... I wish you the best. :hug:

[Name removed]

22. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Marrah_G]

23. This has nothing to do with money

You are a lawyer, he is a Doctor. You guys get by just fine and a 30 dollar cat bed isn't going to break the budget. I highly suggest you get into counseling if you want to save your marriage. It sounds as if he is having serious control issues and they won't go away on their own.


Frankly, if he doesn't stop and won't go to counseling I would leave. Its scary as hell but at least you would have an income. Seems to me you could do just fine on your own.

[JVS]

25. It might have something to do with money. Medical school and law-school are expensive.

If they are really laden with debt, then there are going to be a few lean years ahead. Especially if there is a new house mortgage to pay as well.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

41. I agree, but neither of us has that problem

He went to med school in Pakistan (graduating in 1983), and basically got a free education, as they don't have the exorbitant tuition we do. He also (very kindly) paid my law school tuition (good old Pitt Law, with which I'm certain you are familiar!), so that's not a problem for us, either.

[JVS]

45. Yeah, then you should be able to retain a certain portion of your income and spend...

it as you see fit. I hope things work out.

[Evoman]

26. Here is what I would do.

Buy some really expensive cigars. Then, when he is home, light the cigar with a fifty. When he starts to bitch, put out the cigar on the couch and then say, "Fuck...now we need a new couch". Then flick the cigar at him and grab a catalogue.

I'm not married, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

[Pierre.Suave]

33. ...

worst advice ever...

[Evoman]

34. What do you know.

It just so happens I've been married five times, and I'm only 28. You don't even have half the experience I have. :evilgrin:

[Pierre.Suave]

35. hahah

you are right, you have LOTS more experience than I do at screwing up relationships...;)

[YDogg]

39. heh

i like it

[truedelphi]

42. Well no need to WONDER why You are not married ;-)

[noamnety]

27. Money, Control, or concern about shopping addiction?

I've seen a good marriage (or what looked like one from the outside, which is an entirely different thing) ruined because one of the partners really did have a shopping addiction, and got some weird satisfaction from buying things that really weren't needed at all. Eventually the bill collectors were calling, and I'm not sure whether the bigger problem was the money or the addiction itself. They should have been financially secure, but the one blew small amounts of money in stupid ways, buying lunch every day instead of packing a lunch, clothes-hogging, one small thing after another, without recognizing how it all adds up, and the credit cards were being used to fund all that. They were basically bankrupted, and the nonshopper had to pull their funds from their 401K to pay off the bills. The finances didn't address the compulsion aspect of it, though.

I am not one to let my partner order me around on the money, I'm not a child to be supervised, but the two of us have similar spending habits so that hasn't been a major issue, except when there was underlying tension outside of the money itself.

I guess I'm suggesting not that you allow him to supervise you financially, because that's out of line, but rather that you look at what your consumer habits are, and why. Are you habitually buying things you don't need? What do you get out of that? Is a cat bed something that's really going to improve the quality of your life?

I wonder if the underlying issue is money, or a difference in attitudes about consumption and material goods. Have you asked him about that?

My own view is admittedly colored by what I feel is a superficial need on the part of many people to buy more things things things and the effect that has on the environment and the values it reveals. Would he be the same amount of upset if you'd spent that money buying food to donate to a shelter? That will tell you whether it's the money itself, or something else, so you can get to the root of the conflict.

The other thing I'd suggest is making sure you know where all your finances stand, on a regular basis. In the case of the couple I described, the shopper handled all the banking and bill paying, so the other didn't realize what was happening. It only came out when the nonshopper wanted to buy a kayak, and was told they couldn't afford it, which made no sense. The shopper had been hiding all the bills and late notices and all that. Make sure your husband isn't doing that - secretly spending so much money that there really IS a reason he's worried about the small extra purchases.

[truedelphi]

43. Your last paragraph is extremely wise advice to all married people.

[malta blue]

28. DTBK ...

First of all :hug: :hug: :hug:

Now...If he is so concerned about how the money is spent, ask him to account for every single dime he spends as well. Make him bring home a receipt for every little purchase he makes and you keep yours too. Then put them all on a spreadsheet. Chances are, he is spending just as much as you, if not more, but on stuff you can't see.

Then...think long and hard about whether or not you want to have to justify buying cat litter or items that he may consider non-essential, but you desire.

:loveya: :hug: :loveya:

Please take care of yourself.

[Deep13]

32. Sounds like the two of you are not really talking.

:(

[flamingyouth]

36. I'm so sorry, DTBK.

You've really had a difficult past few months. :hug:

I think Flaxbee gave some good advice upthread.

Hugs to you. :hug:

[idgiehkt]

37. women are gatherers

it is in our genes. It is what we do. I personally hate to shop, but I'm a finder. I 'find' wildflowers, etc growing here and there and dig them up (not on private property though) or get a cutting. I found two beautiful rose bushes on state property and they survived being moved and now bloom every year. Yesterday I found an old wooden dog house on some adjoining state property (they are building a road through there someday) and now it's sitting in the backyard. This female urge is as old or older than the human species...hell it's probably the single most important feature of humans, as only about 20% of the primitive diet came from hunted animals, and that was if they were fortunate and this is how our species survived, by the constant gathering of pre-agricultural female humans (also the start of 'medicine', using plants to heal people). He's swimming against the tide trying to quell your gathering instinct, lol. That controlling crap would drive me nuts though...I couldn't live like that.

[jeff30997]

40. "if he picks on me ONE MORE TIME, I'm moving OUT"

My nose said the same thing the other day.:)

[JVS]

46. LOL

[Bucky]

44. Totally control issues

Those are the issues that kill families. It's also possible he's got some background issues triggering this, like maybe his family struggled with money when he was young.

Anyway, a $20 cat bed is not pampering a cat. A $100 visit to the pet massage parlor is pampering. A cat bed is known as "keeping cat hairs off the ottoman."

Not that there's anything wrong with pampering a pet. I mean, shit, that's why they're called pets. They exist to be loved on. Anything that doesn't involve eating them or using them as mousers is a form of pampering.

I smell couples counseling in your future.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

47. UPDATE: Things okay (for now)

After my ultimatum last night and many tears on both sides, he PROMISED not to say anything when I spend money again. We'll see how long it lasts. We did to Kohl's together, and he bought 3 sweaters and 3 pairs of socks, while I got 4 blouses for work and some kick-ass shoes (good for kicking whose ass is the question).

Thanks for advice, condolences, etc. I think he may realize now how unhappy it makes me when he picks on me about things. If I were a compulsive shopper I'd admit it, but I only go shopping one day a week, including for groceries. It's not like I'm out buying Manolo Blahniks or anything.

[yellowdogintexas]

48. hi, this is never fun is it? You may want to switch back separate accounts.

you can have a joint one for all household expenses...mortgage, utilities, car notes, etc. and each of you have an individual one for personal stuff, and agree on what percentage you each keep back. I did this with my ex husband..we each put one paycheck a month into the joint account and the other went to a personal account. It worked out OK ..I paid all the household bills so I made sure they were paid from the correct account