Best offensive joke you've heard lately?

[bbernardini]

Mine, which I heard from my 16-year-old sister-in-law:

Q: Why did all the ladies dig Jesus?

A: Because he was hung like this. (Hold out arms in the style of crucifixion.)

[Robb]

1. From the motivational poster department:

There's no "my son has cancer" in "TEAM"... ;)

[RandomKoolzip]

2. What's two feet tall and hates sex?

The 8 year old boy in the trunk of my car.

[boneygrey]

3. West Virginia

Where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.

If a man and a woman in WV divorce, are they still brother and sister?

Sorry West Virginians.:pals:

[La_Serpiente]

4. why did raggedy ann get kicked out of the playpen?

Because she sat on Pinocchios face and said "LIE TO ME LIE TO ME!!!"

[SheilaT]

5. This from my 16 year old son:

My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day, and I told her she had quite a vocabulary for an eight year old.

[b-ballgurl]

6. yes

It's called the cookie but i won't tell you!

[7th_Sephiroth]

7. yeah (you have been dually warned, offensive)

a priest and a rabbi are walking down the street
Little billy 10-year-old passes them
The priest says "hey lets take him into the back ally and fuck him"
The Rabbi says "outta what?"

[Dookus]

19. LOL...

most excellent. Offensive to TWO major religions at once! I like it :evilgrin:

[7th_Sephiroth]

25. i am the master

of pissing ppl off

[Capn Sunshine]

31. Variation of that

Ken Lay and Michael Jackson are walking down the street.....

[Kamika]

8. I dont think Ladies liked jesus

He was probably a virgin when he died so there!

x(

[Wulfian]

9. Not according to Mary Magdelene

[7th_Sephiroth]

10. Jesus prolly got stoned alot

he sounds like everything a repub would hate

[Capn Sunshine]

32. who else would go to a wedding and use a miracle to make wine

because they ran out and he still wanted to party?
I think chicks would dig THAT.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

13. Nah, what about the missing years?

He lived it up for quite a while there.

[Booberdawg]

11. I can't tell you. It's too offensive for DU.

[mdmc]

14. yeah

mine is too vile for du.

[Dookus]

20. Oh c'mon Boober...

tell! Skinners away! (heheheh)

If you don't tell it here, PM it to me, please?!

[Spirochete]

12. How can you tell if your roomate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

I'm pretty sure that's the worst one I know.

[Deja Q]

15. That was bad!...

How'd the person tell, taste it personally? :evilgrin:

You mean, his dick doesn't taste like Crest? :evilgrin: :evilgrin:

[hedgetrimmer]

16. a bartender says to a guy a guy at the bar...

"why are you so depressed buddy?"
"my girl broke up with me today." he replied,
"she said i was too kinky."
"oh, sorry." said the bartender.

a woman walks straight up to the bar and says to the bartender,
"two shots of whiskey, today sucks my boyfriend dumped me."
"there you go... what happened?" says the bartender.
she says,"he said i was too kinky."

the bartender introduces the two and they decide to go over her place... they get there and she tells him to wait where he is that she was going to get ready...

ten minutes later she comes out and he is leaving...
she says,"hey whaere are you going?"
he says,"i'm finished... i shit in your purse and fucked your dog."

[hedgetrimmer]

17. a priest, a drunk and a pedophile walked into a bar...

oh... sorry, it was just one person...

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

18. LOL

hehehe

[Dookus]

21. Not a joke...

but one of my all-time favorite anecdotes:

Paul Lynde was on a long flight and a young girl kept running up and down the aisles, shrieking and just generally wreaking havoc. Tired (and probably drunk) Lynde got up from his seat, walked over to the child's mother, leaned in real close and hissed "You shut that little girl up, or I'll fuck her!"

Just the image of Lynde doing that cracks me up.

[RandomKoolzip]

29. Holy Shit!

I ahve not laughed that hard in weeks.... That's the funniest dman thing I've heard in a long long time...Paul Lynde (!) threatening to fuck a a young girl....Oh, I'm so ashamed, but that's exhiliratingly funny....

[11 Bravo]

22. What's black, and comes in a little white can?

Michael Jackson.

Hey, you said offensive.

[Mandate My Ass]

23. Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?

He heard the boys' pants were half off.

[greatauntoftriplets]

24. What do women on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my son!

[Valerie5555]

26. Did you know what certain American department stores did in honor of

Michael Jackson's birthday? They had a sale and all the boys' PANTS and UNDERWEAR WERE HALF OFF.

On edit the variation was about WILLIAM CLINTON and the punchline was "all the women's PANTS, SKIRTS, DRESSES and PANTIES were half off."

[Valerie5555]

27. Here's one I made up

Did anyone know there were 2 songs that momentarily should be censored for fear of upsetting Iranians for obvious reasons? "Shake, Rattle And Roll," and "I Feel The Earth Move."



Another I heard is "Did anyone know what would have happened had the Iranian hostage incident happened on the "watch" of a REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT?, "bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb bomb Tehran, Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Tehran, BOMB TEHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN, that is our plaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn." (Punchline sung to the tune of "Barbara Ann.")

[dolo amber]

28. Someone here

posted this a while ago (no idea who) and I found it funny enough to save:



Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat
and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American
got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his
shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, I think I'll get up and get a beer." No problem," said
the American, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and
spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly
went to get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other
shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all
sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He looked at the two Arabs and
asked, "Why does it have to be this way?" How long must this go on? This
fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting
in shoes and pissing in beers?"


Dunno, maybe it's just me, but I found (and still find) that terribly funny. :D

[sasquatch]

30. How do you circumsize a Republican?

Kick his sister in the jaw:evilgrin:

[HamstersFromHell]

33. Old one and a long one, but still one of my favorites...

A guy goes to the doctor complaining that he's broken his wrist. The doctor gets him in the examination room and tells him instead of x-rays, he has this new medical computer he'd like to use.

The doctor tells him "This computer can tell me everything that's wrong with you with nothing more than a urine sample." Of course, the man is a bit incredulous, but he gives in, takes the little cup the doctor offers and heads to the bathroom. He returns, the doctor pours the cup into the computer and hits a button. It runs briefly and spits out a card. The doctor takes the card and reads... "The computer says: Patient has sprained wrist. Wrap in Ace bandage."

The man starts to protest, saying that he still thinks it's broken and not sprained. The doctor replies that the computer had been tested for years, and was known to be over 99.99% accurate. The man gives in, the doctor wraps his wrist up and he's shown to the front desk. The bill was $300, and the guy starts getting upset.

"Three hundread dollars! You didn't even take x-rays! This is a ripoff!" The doctor tells him "But the computer is never wrong, and think of it as if you just got a totally clean bill of health from a physical. If there had been anything...ANYTHING wrong with you the computer would have told me." The man sighs, pays his bill and heads home.

Once he gets home, he gets to thinking that the doctor knew all along his wrist was only sprained and the doctor had taken advantage of him. He decides he'll show that doctor a thing or two. He grabs a cup and a lid out of the cabinet, and gets his wife to pee in it, his daughter to pee in it, his dog to pee in it, he goes out to the garage and drains some oil out of his lawnmower in it. Finally he masturbates in it, puts the lid on and shakes it up. Putting on his coat, he slips it in the pocket and heads back to the doctor's office.

When he arrives at the doctor's office, the doctor is somewhat suprised to see him there again and asks him if anything is wrong. The man replies that he thinks the computer was wrong, and his wrist is really bothering him, and he still thinks it's not sprained but broken. The doctor offers to rerun the test for him and starts to get a cup off the shelf when the man tells him "I brought my own to save some time." He hands the doctor the cup he had in his pocket, the doctor pours the contents into the computer and hits the button.

The computer runs for 10 minutes and finally spits out a card. The man asks "Well, what does it say now?"

The doctor reads: "It says here your wife has syphillis, your daughter is pregnant, you dog has the mange, you need to change the oil in your lawnmower, and if you don't quit jerkin off, your wrist will never get any better."