At what point do you have to give up on someone you love?

[sir_captain]

I've been completely, totally crazily in love with my best friend from college for nearly a decade now. She and I have had our ups and downs and she's hemmed and hawed on her feelings for me all along (yes, from time to time, things have "happened.") She had a traumatic childhood that has clearly contributed her having a lot of trouble with intimacy. She's always maintained that she and I are going to end up together, but can't quite seem to get over that hump and give it a shot *now*

Anyway, it's obvious to me that as currently constituted, she's figuratively taking years off my life. And at the same time, the time we spend together is incredible and she's the only girl I've ever been able to imagine sharing my life with. She's incredibly smart and beautiful, and other than this last hurdle, I know there's no one in the world who cares more about me.

My head says to sadly move on, and my heart doesn't want to let her go. People are just too complicated. Sigh.

Keeping in mind that I am mainly venting--any words of wisdom, lounge lizards?

[Floogeldy]

1. What are your ages?

?

[sir_captain]

4. We're in our latish 20s

Plenty of fish in the sea, I know :-)

[Deja Q]

53. Yeah, but most of 'em are poisoned by mercury!

:rofl:

It's a matter of time, energy, involvement, and commitment. Still, if you got together in your late-teens or 20/21, it is not unreasonable to figure out you're not right for each other.

If you were your late 30s or 40s, it might be a different story.

The choice is yours, but as CP had said, the counseling motion I believe is the preferable course of action.

[JVS]

2. Years ago in your case, she's no good for you!

If she cares so much about you, why has she been putting you through such shit?

[sir_captain]

5. Probably mainly because I've enabled her to

I suppose.

[JVS]

7. Whatever,just bail

[sir_captain]

8. It sounds very simple,doesn't it?

[JVS]

9. It is

Read "The sufferings of young Werther". Don't be that dude

[sir_captain]

10. Sure, but not that easy

[Nicole]

3. 9 years ago

A decade is too long to hurt like that.

[sir_captain]

6. That's certainly the truth

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. Perhaps it might be worthwhile to pursue counseling ......

For both of you....

Just a thought.

It would certainly help her see her problems more clearly.....

And she needs to do that, in order to be as well as possible.

Therapy would also help both of you understand just what is going on in this relationship .....

Talk to her about this. See if she's interested.

:hug:

[sir_captain]

14. Thanks Peggy!

She actually suggested recently that we go see someone together--hopefully she'll be willing to follow through with it.

[Deja Q]

52. I hope she is willing too. 9 years is an investment. Not a fling.

Even when the stocks are down, 9 years is still an investment.

If she has changed her mind, then you've got a really good case. (sorry to sound like a lawyer.) We are not young forever.

But I would stick it out.

[LeftyMom]

12. If it's this hard, she's not the right girl

Sure, she's got a shitty childhood to work though, but she's not putting the effort in to have a relationship. There's some woman out there who will and even when it's work it won't feel so much like work. Go find her.

[Nickster]

24. DING DING DING! That's your answer right there. When you find the "One"

you will know it and it sure as heck won't rake you over the coals like the current situation.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

62. I hope there isn't a "shining knight" complex somewhere in your mind,

as in, "I love this woman so much because she's beautiful and intelligent, but most of all, she's really screwed up and needs someone to love her into working through her hang-ups, and I'm the guy to do it."

Examine your own motives carefully, please.

[u4ic]

13. 9 years?

She needs some time alone. Either she's spreading herself thin with so many commitments, or needs to look at her life, and what needs to be dealt with. The former often happens as a result of not looking at the latter.

As someone who had one of those childhoods, I learned a lot from my relationships, but didn't keep someone hanging on, either. I did avoid them for a long time, to work on myself; but I was also scared of commitment, and often had very strange and paradoxical reactions to them - head first and bakc off - all at once. The tension that used to be inside of me was unbeliveable.

You have to know where to draw your line. That may give her the incentive to get help, to get over that 'hump'. Then again, it may not.

It's up to her to fix herself, not you. Quite frankly, I think you've exhausted your patience. There are scores of wonderful women out there looking for a guy like you!

[sir_captain]

17. Yeah, I know I can't fix her

She's not a bad person--messed up for sure, but a very good person in her heart.

In addition to our specfic issues, I'm concerned that she'll not get the help that I think she needs.

But yes, I do think I'm about at the end of my rope. I've hardly handled the situation perfectly, but I do think I've waited for her longer than most people would.

I'm also fairly certain that she'll suddenly decide she ought to have committed right after I move on, but I suppose that'll be her problem.

[u4ic]

20. Oh, no

I would not think of her as a bad person, either. We adopt protective measures and patterns when we have a history of abuse. Confused, protective, putting on the demeanour that no one would guess underneath was low self esteem...the list goes on.

I'm just coming to terms with all mine now, and I'm almost middle age.

If you're concerned you'd be 'abandoning' her, that may be the incentive to get help. If it isn't...well, she's still got a lot of time ahead of her. I, and so many others find out, that you can't always keep running from yourself. For me, it was certain circumstances. Some others its a conscious choice.

You sound like a wonderful human being, and quite a catch at that. :hug:

[Random_Australian]

15. I say make it clear to them what you think, then make decisions from

there. That way, you both know what is going on, and there are no big nasty shocks for the other person.

[reyd reid reed]

16. Okay...there's love

And then there's love.

You don't 'give up' on either, but it Can change and become less physically painful and more beneficial.

Maybe you need to turn in another direction for a while. Doesn't mean you have to cut each other out of your lives...but step back. Evaluate. Maybe see a counselor.

Then try and figure things out. See what she's willing to do. Figure out what you're willing to do. And then see if you can maintain a romantic relationship.

You'll always care about her. Chances are there will always be Some love there. But that doesn't mean you can't go on with your life.

[Blue-Jay]

18. You're the "reserve guy". Break it off completely.

She's keeping you on a string while looking for Something Better. It's past time to issue an ultimatum and get on with your life. I'm very sorry; I suspect that you really love her, but you've been kept in the dark far too long. Don't continue to punish yourself by hoping that she'll "see the light".

[Thtwudbeme]

27. Bingo.

Same situation JanMichael had....off and on "friend" for the better part of two decades...and when we got married, was when she decided that she had screwed up--because of her odd behavior, we had to write her a note saying, "please don't contact us anymore."

Sad.

Quit being blind to this woman while the decent ones who aren't playing games with their futures are walking right past your nose.

Stephanie

[JVS]

63. Blue-Jay knows the score

[pitohui]

19. well don't know if these are words of wisdom but...

it sounds like to me that she is keeping you in reserve as a fuck buddy and stringing you along in case she doesn't get a better offer somewhere along the way

i'd say if you could keep your emotions out of it, use her right back and date others, but since it sounds like you can't, dump her and break off ALL contact

hey, Blue-Jay, here's a shout-out, i'm glad i'm not the only poster to see what to me seems fairly obvious

[Thtwudbeme]

30. I hope this poster pays attention to you and Blue_jay.

I wish I could go into detail about my husbands "friend,"----I will say this...pay close attention to the "break all contact." After we got married, my husbands ex was about two steps away from being a stalker. She never completely pushed that envelope, but it was some pretty odd behavior, and something he didn't expect--

[necso]

21. If she cannot bring herself

to treat you with due respect and seriousness (and it appears that she cannot, as she appears to be stringing you along), then there's no foundational basis on which to build the more demanding practices (principles) of a serious relationship.

Such things have great weight in the world of acts -- "love", lust, do not.

You can excuse such behavior on whatever grounds you like, but principle transcends character... and convenience.

[kskiska]

22. When you realize you've lost your self-respect

[Iniquitous Bunny]

23. Sounds like you need to rip off that bandage and move forward.

In the past few years, after having dealt with relationships with people who claim to love me treating me in ways less than loving, I had to have enough self respect despite where my feelings had been at to say "no more". It was only then I was able to truly start to know what love even was and be open to the kind of relationship (and person) that was truly right for me.

Cry, hurt, and feel miserable for awhile, but move forward. Good relationships don't tangle you up in knots and certainly aren't this hard. Trust me.

[Heidi]

25. Wouldn't you rather be chosen, than to "end up" with someone?

I think you're worth more than that, and I hope you'll find the strength to move on without sacrificing this young woman's friendship. You're entitled to set boundaries for your own emotional well-being. And please know that there are many, many things that we can't imagine when we're in our 20s, but that doesn't mean they're not possible or that they're not the best things for us in the long-run. :hug:

[khashka]

26. Heidi is right....

I know the struggle you are going through - I've never been able to quit loving anyone. Even when they were bad for me.... as she is for you. And she is.


You need to take care of yourself first. OK? Love doesn't have to hurt. If it does then something is wrong.....

Khash.

[lizziegrace]

61. You don't want to be the one someone settles for.

:hug:

[BlackVelvet04]

28. And what if she all of a sudden wanted to give it a go now?

If there isn't a love and passion on both sides it would be a miserable relationship.

Relationships, including marriage, just shouldn't be so tough. If it is something is wrong.

[cobalt1999]

29. 9 Years?

When do you give up, you ask? TODAY. Not tomorrow, don't even wait until noon. I know it sucks, but it would suck more to delay it. Today should be your first day of freedom from that. Celebrate.

[raccoon]

31. Move on! You deserve better.

Sometimes we love people who aren't good for us. BTDT.

[AngryAmish]

32. Move on

you are stuck on her and that is not healthy. Find someone else.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

33. I agree with those who said she's probably stringing you along.

Even if she isn't consciously doing it, that sounds like what's happening.

Do you really want to be a "friend with benefits" for even another day?

[MissMillie]

34. I'm sure you don't want to hear this

but you really shouldn't waste your time on anyone who isn't sure how they feel about you--especially after nearly 10 years.

Wouldn't you rather know that you're loved and wanted?

[StellaBlue]

35. When it hurts more than it feels good.

nt

[Roon]

36. I always looked at it this way...

if you aren't going to bend over backwards to be with me, then I don't want you.

[miss_american_pie]

37. Do you want to listen to your head or your heart?

Pick one or the other, and try to live as if the decision is already made.

[regularguy]

38. When your spend more time thinking and talking about

the relationship than you do actually having one. (just my 1 cent)

[Metta]

39. When it takes more from you than it feeds you.

Tally up the plusses and minuses of staying and of breaking up and see what you have. And, as Heidi rightly says, an enduring friendship with this woman would be a wonderful benefit for the two of you in this life and in lives to come.

How you do it can support or inhibit that vision. Explaining what you want, knowing what you're flexible with and what's fixed for each of you is a way of inviting her to partner around the conflict that you're both suffering through. You don't have to diminish or marginalize, yourselves or your emotions in any way. There are no wrong thoughts or questions. I suggest giving up/sacrificing false beliefs, beliefs that result in wrong behavior or unwanted results. You're exploring what you don't know. This has the potential to feed you in infinite ways.

The Chinese word for crisis is danger and opportunity.

[1monster]

40. Be careful about ending up together. Usually by the time that happens

the flame you feel has been doused to the point of just hot ashes, but you feel obligated to continue trying to repair the damage done to the person before you met him/her.

And just about the time you end up together, your perfect match comes along and you are otherwise committed. It's not a happy situation.

Walk away, but if you feel the need, don't completely close the door. It is possible that she will overcome her problems and come back to you.

[Phillycat]

41. The "move on" answerers must never have been in love - not really

If you have truly been in love, it's easy to understand why you would hang in there for 9 years. Love is better than chocolate, better than puppies, better than life - even when it hurts. There is nothing in single life that compares to the sublime moments you spend with someone you are unreservedly in love with. Even when you know it is wrong and unhealthy, it sure as hell doesn't feel better to be without that person.

I say hang in there until you can't do it anymore. If you're getting to the point where you're going to hurt yourself or her, then move on. YMMV.

[lizziegrace]

42. When I realized I'd rather be alone

than with him any longer, it was over for me. But, he did much to break my heart.

:hug:

[querelle]

43. It's Hard.....But Let It Go.........

I spent seven years with a guy that cheated on me and lied constantly. I thought I could change him and make him into a better person. The person I wanted him to be. What a waste of time.

Your friend obviously cannot commit to a realtionship until she works out some issues of her own. You can choose to wait or move on.

My advice? Move on. You will meet many other people if you get out there and socialise. Over time you will forget her. Life is too short to wait for people to get their shit together. You have a life! Enjoy it! Don't base your life on another's needs until you meet the one that can fulfill mutual needs and respect. Don't waste your time with an emotionally needy person. She needs help and is not ready for a relationship until she gets it.

Tell her to look you up in a few years after therapy.

Q

[Deja Q]

51. And do it GENTLY. Some people can be very cruel.

And you don't want your words to be taken the wrong way. Or given the wrong way.

[Scout1071]

44. Walking away may actually drive her to you.

Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

[NMDemDist2]

45. exactly what I was gonna say! she might realize how much you mean

to her if you walk

and if she doesn't.... well, there's your answer huh?

[Scout1071]

46. Bingo. nt

[Scout1071]

47. Bingo. nt

[hunter]

48. At what point? When you jump out of her moving car.

That's how I broke up. She was driving, we were fighting, so I opened the car door, stepped out, and went tumbling and sliding down the road for what seemed like forever. By some good fortune I didn't die. I didn't hit anything, and nobody ran over me.

Then a remarkable thing happened. Free at last from one another, we both went on to find our true loves.

Reading some of the other posts on this thread, I wonder if I wouldn't have become one of those spooky stalker types if we hadn't made such a clean break. (Well, it was clean, except for my blood on the street.) Looking back, yes, maybe I was "totally crazily in love" with her, and maybe she was "totally crazily in love with me," but the emphasis was always on crazy, for both of us... When I met my wife it was much more than that. On top of the "crazily in love" there was a fierce rationality to our relationship. We both knew what we wanted.

Maybe you have the crazy in love, but you don't have the rational in love, and you need that to make a relationship work.

[IsIt1984Yet]

50. Incredible breakup story! I hope you weren't badly injured!!

I've been in the "crazy" relationships. Thankfully, I've grown up and I've learned to recognize a few red flags along the way.

So glad that you both went on to find your true loves :)!

[hunter]

58. I was definitely the crazy in that relationship.

Even if the story hadn't ended happily, it was better for us to be apart than together.

I can't ever stop thinking what a nightmare our lives would have been if we'd decided to move in together, or worse, get married.

As it turned out she was so disgusted with me that she mailed all my stuff back to me, without a note, without anything, and then she moved away.

For a long time I didn't know where she went, or that she'd married, not until she needed me to sign a release on a copyright we held together. I felt really, really rotten when we met again because she seemed a little scared of me -- like she expected me to do something crazy. I gave her my signature and didn't ask for anything.

We talked a little after that and it made me feel good to see her happy. I hadn't met my wife yet, but I think something changed about me that opened up the possibility.

[Deja Q]

49. Regardless, best of luck to you both.

Considering I, in many ways, am like her... there's not much else I can contribute. Except at least you made a solid attempt.

Is she strining you along consciously? Or not realizing it?

Some people would merely look at folks like her and I and spit. (and many have... at least to me, but males usually get the worse treatment.)

As with other related posts, I have read this one -- and its responses with great interest. And use it to project where I am going in life. I know where I'm going... and how the world is much more disingenuous than I had hoped for.

[kiraboo]

54. I wonder if it is even in your control?

There is the attempt to get over it and move on, and then there is the reality of it. Easier said than done. She may have to get married before you can give up on her. Sorry :hug: :hug: I know it sucks.

[begin_within]

55. Letting go hurts briefly, but hanging on to it hurts a lot longer.

[begin_within]

56. Who is she to determine your happiness? Make your happiness independent

of her or anyone else.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

57. You need to move on. The sad thing is, once you do

she's going to regret it.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

59. For clarification, has she had other long term dating relationships during

this time you've known her?

Regardless, gut feeling is that you are still young and should strongly consider moving on, as you are obviously doing or else you wouldn't have posted this.

[Guava Jelly]

60. When They Give up on you!!!!

just don't overlook someone great because you are in limbo over a different partner!!
Life is short you could Die at any second....
Don't Miss out on potential good times waiting for Mrs Right whom may never come..
Maybe you don't exactly know whom or what Mrs right is..
(If I sound weird it's because I have a Major Buzz going right now)
:hi: