So now I'm a total bitch

[Patiod]

We are having some pretty severe money problems. SO lost his part time job, hasn't been getting much acting work. We were just living paycheck to paycheck BEFORE he lost his job, so things have been tight recently. I've been bringing my breakfast and lunch to work everyday to save money, and not buying anything. SO is well aware of our situation, and helps somewhat (he still buy expensive wine and a lot or expensive processed pre-made food at the supermarket) We have Phillies partial-season tickets, bought and paid for when he was still working, but parking costs $10 a game, and SO buys a LOT of $6 beers at each game

Today, one of SO's actor friends came over to use our DSL line to order concert tickets. "Do you want to see Radiohead with us?" he asks. "Sure" replies the SO. Plus they talked about buying CSNY and Roger Waters tickets. I tried to be discreet, but it's a small apartment. "We really can't afford them right now."

You would have thought I had cut his balls off. His friend says "my ex-wife never liked me spending money on concerts, and now I have a girlfriend who does."

Yeah, well you and your exwife had a nice house, and now you're living in a small apartment with another guy, and any money you DO have is from your divorce settlement from your fully-employed exwife. But I didn't say that.

Now the friend is gone, and SO isn't speaking to me.

So I'm a controlling bitch, even though I'm thinking of getting a part time job on the weekends in addition to my full time job, and Mr. Unemployed is buying concert tickets. I knew the friend was coming over to buy Radiohead tickets, but in 14 years I've never heard SO mention Radiohead, so I didn't expect him to want to spend $40 for tickets (plus $$?? for Roger Waters and CSNY) I would have addressed this privately if I had the chance, but the friend put us on the spot. I don't know how else I could have handled this.

[Sugar Smack]

1. That sounds like something I went through in my twenties.

Are you in your twenties, by any chance? :pals:

[Patiod]

4. No, that's what's so frustrating.

Thanks for the hug.

I just don't know how to handle this.

[Sugar Smack]

6. Hey, I posted a "band thread" which is now in my journal.

Here's my quote from it: "And your rolling-pin smile was the best. I remember how some of those guys made me feel like I'd gone from dewy-skinned, fresh youth to "nagging band mom" in about five minutes. Being a "nagging band mom" is not fun. The other guys will confide in you and think of you as their friend, but take awful advantage of your listening/caring skills. I remember them all calling each other "man" instead of using each other's names."

The art world wouldn't have such a trashy reputation if it weren't for a lot of artists' bad behavior. It brings us all down. "Artist" doesn't have to be synonomous with "irresponsibility".

[Patiod]

25. What do you call a musician/actor who breaks up with his girlfriend?

Homeless!

I think there are a lot of us out there. More than one of his friends have "suits" for spouses/SOs. And we're always the bad guys!

I have to admit, he contributes a LOT around the house now that he's not working - all the laundry, cleaning, etc. I just need him to stop spending money like we HAVE it.

Plus I want to smack his friend upside the head.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

2. Well, I'd be a bitch too.

I'd call a man who behaves like that (or a woman who would behave like that as well) "selfish" and "dead weight". I hate in when one person in the relationship is made out to be the bad guy for acting like the responsible grown-up.

[Misunderestimator]

3. He's being incredibily inconsiderate.

You're the one making all the sacrifices while he isn't making any. Sounds to me like a difficult conversation between you is in order, or it will end up destroying your relationship. I think you have no choice but to just bite the bullet and talk to him about this.

[Cathyclysmic]

5. I'm so sorry

Your situation sounds a lot like ours right now, money-wise....except I don't have a part-time job in addition to my full-time, but we have talk about it. So, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Money sucks when you don't have it. I've heard it sucks when you have it, but I can't verify that. And to try to coordinate with someone else's ideas of what to do with the money is no less then a great feat.

My two cents, if your interested is to sit down every week and go over the bills and calender of events with your SO and have a game plan for where the money needs to go. Before the Beast Man and I did this, one of us would get a lofty plan to do or buy something expensive and stress the other person out.

:hug:

[Patiod]

23. Thanks

We did finally discuss our finances, and he gave up the ATM card without me asking. He also came up with some plans for saving, which helps.

He still is mad that I "treated him like an 8 year old" by questioning whether he should buy Radiohead tickets, though.

[Hugin]

7. Money problems in a relationship are the hardest...

You have my sympathy... And no, you aren't controlling.

Just sensible.

Your SO should accept your input as a full share and
you should feel comfortable talking and giving your
opinion at any time.

That's a true give and take.

[skygazer]

8. Money is the greatest cause of stress in relationships

If both people don't have the same views about it, it can be really frustrating. And the bitch is, those issues don't surface until you have some sort of money crisis and then you realize that you're working in two different directions.

Sounds like your SO has absolutely no concept of the ideas of tightening belts or making financial sacrifices, hence you are carrying the burden and the stress while he continues to spend like he always has (you say he "helps somewhat" but your post doesn't really give that impression).

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him, point out that this affects BOTH of you and that you BOTH need to pull together to make it work. Whether or not that will get through, I don't know.

I have the same problem at times and it makes me feel like I am less in a partnership and more in a situation of roommates. Frustrating.

[Generic Brad]

9. You sound reasonable to me

There is nothing bitchy about trying to figure out how to survive. If anything, it sounds like SO owes you an apology.

[Haole Girl]

17. I ditto this

Hang in there, Patiod.

[Book Lover]

10. Cut off his money and/or food supply

I'm serious. If you make the money, and you are not married, he can only get his cash from you, right? If he's that irresponsible, take the ATM card or whatever out of his wallet and cut it in two. Start doing the shopping solo. And good luck living with the leech.

[Jazz2006]

11. One of you is acting like an irresponsible jerk...

and it's NOT you!

:pals:

Good luck to you in sorting him out.

[wildhorses]

12. kick him to the curb...you should have left him where you

found him. Live, learn and move on.
:hug:

[crispini]

13. Get OUT, you are supporting him 100% and he's buying

expensive concert tickets? :mad:

I dunno, man, I'd kick the freeloader out. I can't believe you've let it get this bad.

[Maine-ah]

14. he's being a dink.

I have said similar things to my hubbie when he wanted to buy something and we didn't have the money for it, even in front of our friends) and he has never behaved that way. And vice versa I must say.

I think you handled it ok, but apparently the hubbie doesn't like to talk finances infront of friends, he's embarassed would be my guess.

here's a :hug: and when he stops being a dink, sit down and talk about it.

[Callalily]

15. Brief synopsis of your post

You and your SO are having financial problems. You work, your SO does not. He spends on non-essentials and you're thinking about taking on a part-time job in addition to your full-time job. Sorry hon, it's a no-brainer here. You are an enabler and he is taking advantage of you.

Be strong, I'll be sending you good strong healing vibes.

[liontamer]

18. well said, I'd add one more thing

his friends an asshole, and your SO should not let someone talk to you like that

[Patiod]

24. I'm actually more angry with the friend right now

SO and I have hashed out some of the financial stuff, which was painful but useful. SO has been contributing all along until his company got sold - this is the first time in years he isn't working and handing over all the money to help run the household. He just doesn't understand that now we don't have money for extras, and is embarassed to admit this to his friend (who, as mentioned, in in his late 40's and living with another actor)

The friend also made a parting shot, recommending buying some expensive sound equipment. Pure instigation.

[nosmokes]

27. it's not the'*riend's* fault

that your SO can't/ won't accept current financial situation. a lot of it may be the whole male thing and using money/possessions as a yardstick for success, which is a really fucked up way of guging how satified you are with your lot in life, especially if you're gonna try and make ends meet as an actor. as a theatre and film professional (retired) i know there ain't many that get to make a decent living in this business, much less become really successful.

[Coventina]

16. Your SO's friend totally disrespected you in your own house.

That is unacceptable.

You need to have a talk with your SO about respect and "minding one's own business."

You were put in a really difficult situation, and it is going to take some tough conversations to make sure SO understands where you are coming from.

Best of luck to you. You are possibly in for some difficult times ahead.

:hug:

[Missy Vixen]

19. You did the right thing

>I don't know how else I could have handled this.<

There was no other way to handle this.

Patiod, you did the best you could. It's not fair for one party to continue splurging while not chipping in on the money supply. You had to speak up.

:hug: :hug: :hug: for you, friend. We're always here for you.

Julie

[Patiod]

26. Thanks, Miss Julie

Eager to hear about your adventures in Chicago!

Oddly enough, you're the one person here who has met the SO in person. He's a good soul - kicks in and does more than his share around the house. He just has no idea of the value of money.

[riderinthestorm]

20. I've totally capitulated

I just put on the pointed black hat, take out the broom and cauldron, and fly off shrieking.

So I'm a bitch (shrug).

Someday your SO will either learn to be responsible about the money or you will cut him off. It sounds as though there wasn't any other option than to tell him that you all couldn't afford the tickets.

So "own" the bitchiness. Years ago I actually went out and got a 50 cent black witches hat and wore it to bed.

Angry sex in a witch hat is kicking!

[mandyky]

21. Tell him he has a specific amount of time

to find a job, and request firmly that until he has an income that he not spend money on "entertainment" and/or non-essential items. Plenty of actors have to take waiting on table or bar tending gigs.

[Droopy]

22. You did the right thing

If I had a mate like that I'd give her the boot until she got her priorities in order.