How does one tactfully rid themself of a "friend" they don't like (irl)

[LaraMN]

My former neighbor will not leave me alone. She moved away about a year and a half ago. Our kids used to play together and I talked to her because, well, she was RIGHT next door to me. I don't like her. She is a self-centered, snobby Republican beotch, and I don't have time to waste on people I don't like. I have avoided her and do not return her phone calls, but she will just SHOW UP at my house unannounced! She did it yesterday! I don't want to be mean, but I really don't want anything to do with her. How do I get rid of her, she WON'T take a hint!

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. Hmmmm... On the other hand she feels drawn to you. Any chance

of a conversion?

Otherwise you can either tell her flat out how you feel or get into an intense political debate with her until SHE decides to quit YOU.

[LaraMN]

3. I don't think she will ever quit me. She is an idiot.

We have nothing in common. She has a wretchedly weak and stupid sense of humor. I hate being mean to people though, even those I don't like.

[Shine]

6. LOL! You are effing funny.

maybe she's giving you a good chance to practice Compassion.


or not.

:D

[LaraMN]

10. Ugh. She's a huge downer.

She is so shallow, I feel like *less* for being in her presence, seriously. She needs to change herself or she'll never have a real friend. She CONSTANTLY dumped her kids on me when they lived next door, and complained about how she was SO busy, all the time. She was a freaking stay-at-home mom, just.like.me. - she was no busier than the rest of us. :eyes:

[Shine]

19. Yeah, people like that are hard to be around. They're energy drains.

well, I'd just try to limit my interactions with her by letting her know, when she stops by unexpectedly, that it is NOT a good time for you and she needs to leave.

You can be cordial and still set healthy boundaries. This is good practice for all of us, actually.

Good luck, sweet. :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

40. I call those people "e-vacs" cuz they suck all the energy out of a room

like a vacuum

just don't give her any energy, just thinking about what a pain she is is feeding her.

Bless her and move on, then if she shows up at the door, say "Sorry, I don't have any time for you today and please don't arrive unannounced in the future, I find it very rude." and shut the door. It's polite, the truth and she'll get the message after a couple of those visits/phone conversations.

[leftofthedial]

2. you can hire certain bikers to do pretty much anything you want

for about fifty bucks, if you know which bars to go to.

[LaraMN]

5. I don't want to hurt her in any way, I just want her to leave me alone.

Therein lies the conundrum. Maybe I can pay the bikers to befriend her and distract her from bothering me.

[leftofthedial]

32. anything you want doesn't have to be painful

ride on the back of his harley all the way to mexico, drink tequila, get tattoos . . . hell, she'll send you a thank you card once a year instead of pestering you.

[Ohio Joe]

4. Be straight forward

When she shows up unannounced, tell her you do not like her to do that and she has to leave.

[LaraMN]

7. Yeah, that's what I should do.

I would never just show up at someone's house like that.

[LynneSin]

8. Here's the "Dear Abby" method

next time she shows up unannounced let her know that this unannounced visits are an inconvience to you. If you're anything like me, you usually have your day planned out and I know I absolutely hate unannounced visiters. Call and give me about an hour warning so I can at least red up the place and fix myself up.

However, if after that one time you tell her about calling before showing up that she still does it then simply tell her it's not a good time for visiting and ask her to leave.

As for calling - that's simple: CALLER ID

:D

[LaraMN]

11. Her kid called my house SIX TIMES IN A ROW in the space of five minutes.

I'm seriously thinking of blocking her number.

[LynneSin]

15. And mention that to her too

and tell her that if the kids don't stop calling that frequently you'll have to block the number.

EDIT NOTE: And despite her republican leaning, it's no excuse to be rude to her. Treat her how you would want to be treated. Be honest and I'm sure you can correct the problem. Be rude only after she (and her kids) ingore your request

[jakefrep]

22. Better yet...

Leave the house to run errands after she calls. An hour should be more than sufficient warning.

:evilgrin:

[johnnie]

9. Make it obvious

When she shows up, turn out all the lights and peek through the curtains. Make sure she sees you do it. If the windows are open, do a lot of "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, pretend we aren't home" loud enough that she hears you.

[LaraMN]

12. Good idea in theory, but yesterday, she was knocking on the door

before I even knew she was here...

[billyskank]

13. Adopt a nervous tic, and develop Tourette's syndrome

just when she is around. :hi:

[LaraMN]

17. She probably wouldn't notice-

she's THAT self-absorbed.

[billyskank]

18. Okay, next time she comes round

throw open the front door, completely naked, and yell "thank god you're here!!!"

[amitten]

20. That's a good one. n/t

[Left_Winger]

27. This method worked well for me with the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses

I highly recommend it.

[A HERETIC I AM]

30. Better yet, naked, wearing a shower cap and holding a loofah.....

and say "OH! I was just going to take a bath! Would you join me?"

[graywarrior]

14. Wear a DU sticker on your forehead and tell her this:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Debi]

16. Arrrggghhh!!

That will definitely make you lose friends! x(

[edbermac]

21. You say "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee..."

And then you throw dog poop on her shoes...works every time...

[LSK]

23. mace

:D

[FuzzySlippers]

25. I think mace is going a little too far.

Just squirting her with the garden hose might do the trick.:D

[TheBaldyMan]

24. *Warning strong language* try ...

Stop messaging me, now &*%$ OFF!

[LaraMN]

26. OMG- she's calling RIGHT NOW from her Mom's house.

I am not answering. I bet she wants me to go pick up her kids or something. Screw that!

ten seconds later....She's calling AGAIN!!!

[LaraMN]

28. and again!

Did I not say she can't take a hint?!

[grace0418]

39. Sweetie, if she can't take a hint then you're going to have to be blunt.

I know it sucks, and you probably hate being mean to someone, but considerate people don't behave the way this person is behaving. And if you continue to make yourself a doormat then she will continue to walk all over you.

It sounds like it's better if you answer the phone, since she calls repeatedly. So when she demands that you come pick up her kids, or tries to invite herself over, or whatever imposition she wants to make on your time, you say "No, I'm sorry. That doesn't work for me." You don't have to be mean, or rude, but neither do you owe her an explanation or excuse. SHE is imposing on YOU, not the other way around. The important part is being polite but firm and getting off the phone quickly before she can bully you into anything.

If she shows up at your house without calling first, do the same thing. I know it will be difficult and awkward, but again, REMEMBER that she is the rude and inconsiderate one. You owe her nothing. If you really can't bring yourself to tell her kindly but firmly "I'm sorry, now is not a good time. Goodbye." without letting her into your house, then just say "What a surprise! Oh no, I *do* wish you would've called in advance because I was just heading out. I'm sorry, maybe some other time." If you can manage it, literally grab your purse and head out with her, but then tell her you're running late and scurry off. If you're unable to leave right then, tell her you are soooooo late and you need to hop in the shower. But don't get into a long elaborate excuse about what you're doing or where you're going. It's absolutely none of her business and it will just give her more opportunity to bully you.

Lastly, since it sounds like you really have a hard time communicating with her, I'm going to offer one more suggestion. Write her a note. It may not be the most straightforward approach, but if this woman is really as dense as she sounds, it may be the only way to get through to her without losing it and totally bitching her out.

It could go something like this:

version 1. (the "I want to still be friends if you can behave like a mature, considerate adult" version)

"Dear xxxx,

I had my hands full the other day and couldn't answer the phone, but I saw on caller i.d. that you called 6 times (!) in the span of one hour. Can I be honest with you about something? It really stresses me out to have the phone ringing so much when I'm in the middle of a something. I do have an answering machine so I will get your message if you leave one after the first call. If I am available, I will call you back as soon as I am able. Five or more additional calls aren't necessary, and just make it more difficult for me to free up time to spend with you.

And I also would greatly appreciate if you would refrain from showing up at my house unexpected. I would never do that to you and I ask for the same consideration. If you are wanting a visit, please just call ahead (once is fine) and I will call you back when I am able. If you don't hear from me that day, please understand that I have a very busy schedule. I will call you back as soon as I can and make arrangements for a lovely visit! I'll be much better company if I'm not frazzled and stressed out.

I know you understand and I look forward to a more relaxed visit next time!

xoxo
LaraMN"

version 2 (the "dear john" version)

"Dear xxxx,

I'm sorry I wasn't in the best mood last time we hung out, I'm sure you noticed.

I think I need to get something off my chest and I'm not very good at this sort of thing. So forgive me for sending this to you in a letter.

I know you get excited when you come to visit and that's very sweet, but it *really* stresses me out when you call my house six times in a row. It stresses me out even more when you show up at my house unannounced. I don't always have the time or energy to drop what I'm doing, and frankly it's inconsiderate to assume I can.

The more I thought about this situation though, the more I realized that there is a larger issue here. It's not just the relentless phone calls and unannounced visits. I think you're lovely and I wish you no ill will, but I just don't think our friendship is based on real shared interests and values. It was nice when we lived near each other, but surely you've noticed that we don't have much to talk about anymore, right? I feel like I can't be myself around you, and that's not what I need in a friendship.

I'm sorry, I really am. I wish you every happiness in your life, but I think it's best that I'm not a part of it right now. I hope you understand. Take care.

Regards,
LaraMN"

[grace0418]

42. Forgot to add one last version...

"Dear xxxx,

Okay, I'm just going to tell you the truth because no amount of hinting around seems to penetrate your thick skull.

It's incredibly rude and inconsiderate to call someone over and over again in the space of a few minutes. In fact it's not just rude, it's stalking. But you don't just stop there, do ya? Noooooooo. You have to show up at my doorstep, demanding I drop whatever I'm doing to entertain you. Were you raised by a pack of hyenas? Have you no manners at all? Do you ever think of ANYONE but yourself?

Clearly not, because if you looked around, you'd see that you have no real friends. Just people that tolerate you because they're too nice to kick you to the curb. Well, count me out of that club.


Buh-bye."

:evilgrin:

[Lars39]

33. Mute the phone so it doesn't drive you batty.

Don't answer the door if she comes over. She'll give up eventually.
She sounds a little unbalanced and obsessed right now.

[Maddy McCall]

38. Lara, BLOCK THE NUMBERS FROM YOUR PHONE.

Let Ma Bell tell her that you are no longer taking her calls. Only do this after you have taken pains to provide the necessary hints, yourself. If she won't get the message, block her.

[k_jerome]

29. since it is obvious from your posts...

that you can't be mean in any way, there is nothing you can do.

[slide to the left]

31. you mean there is no real life ignore button?

[Fox Mulder]

34. I don't know how to do it tactfully.

Usually, when I want to rid myself of a "friend", I do it without tact.

:shrug:

[Maddy McCall]

35. I did it successfully several years ago.

SAme scenario--confused Republican who I never really liked but was friends with for a matter of convenience--our kids went to school together and we were in the same social circle, kinda sorta.

She would come to my house, unannounced, and ask me to write papers or proof work for her--she was in community college at the time. Her husband wouldn't even let her spend $30 on an ink cartridge for their printer, so she also came to my house to print everything out.

I began to feel like I was being used by her. I developed the necessary anger and decided that if she couldn't respect me, I didn't need her in my life anymore.

What did I do? First I hinted that I was always too busy. I quit answering her calls. I quit answering the door when she came. You'd have thought that she got the hint. But, NO.

Finally, I blocked her phone number from my telephone. It worked. It worked wonders.

[rhino47]

36. Lend her money.You will never see her again.

That or call her for every fund raising cause asking for money that you know will piss her off.

[NashVegas]

37. Everytime She Comes By

Meet her outside, on the doorstep, with your car keys in hand if possible. Make up some sort of errand that you were about to do, and chat with her a minute or two. No more than that. Make it clear you're leaving, walk her to her car and wave her off.

If you don't want her coming by your house, do not let her in the door. The vampire treatment.

Continue not answering her calls. Maybe once per week, no more than that.

If she starts commenting on the situation, explain how very busy you are.

Good luck.

[Midlodemocrat]

41. Here's what I did.

I told her that the job for my friend was filled, but if she would like to submit an application, she is welcome to do so and I will notify her if there is an opening.

[Maddy McCall]

44. Damn.

LOL!

I think you could have used whoisalhedges' response below and maybe not have hurt her feelings so much. :D

Some people are just thick-headed, though.

[Magrittes Pipe]

43. Say this:

Look, I don't like you. I REALLY don't like you. I find you insipid and annoying. You know, I really kind of hate you. Maybe not in the way I hate, say, Hitler; but in the way I hate the clap.

No, herpes. The clap can be cured, but YOU KEEP COMING BACK. You're just like fucking herpes.

Really, Herpes, why don't you fuck off and leave me alone? You're tiresome. You're unintelligent. And you're pretty unattractive, to boot. Did I mention that, ugmo? I wouldn't fuck you with George Bush's dick. And not just because you're herpes, but because you're also ugly.

Ugly herpes.

Get lost.

[Maddy McCall]

46. !!!

:spray: :rofl:

[Magrittes Pipe]

47. I know, I'm too tactful.

Shoulda been more blunt.

[Nailzberg]

45. Hire an umpire to come over in full gear, and yell "YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!"

It works. You can usually find an ump at the little league fields in your town on Saturday.

[calico1]

48. The naked thing should work.

If you are not up to that, a few more suggestions:

Next time she calls or drops by, tell her you are organizing an anti Bush rally and would she like to march with you.

Tell her you just found out you have a very contagious veneral disease. Or bird flu. If she is as stupid as you say she will believe it. Don't forget to cough without covering your mouth and touch her a few times too.

I have read a few articles on how to turn off a would be rapist which also might work in this case. The key is to act like a total nut. Run around on the lawn barking or meowing loudly. Or slobber or do some other disgusting thing or totally nutty thing.

One that worked for me one time: tell her you have some hearing loss as the result of having been near a blasting site. Then every time she says something ask her to talk louder. You keep talking loud until you are shouting and you have her shouting. And keep asking her to repeat whatever she said louder. This should frustrate her.

[LaraMN]

49. UPDATE: She just fucking showed up at my door with her kids!

They wanted to play with my son. I told her he was playing across the street at his friend's house, and she stood there like I was supposed to go get him or something! I also told her that I have company coming over in half an hour (which is true). Her seven year old threw a big whining tantrum in the doorway and she almost seemed pissed at me. WTFingF?!?! That's it. I can't stand her. She's getting the boot, one way or another, I can't stand her rudeness.

[Dangerously Amused]

50. Energy Vampire! Energy Vampire!

Lara sweetie,

You have been raised to be polite, considerate, and empathetic. Really some of your most endearing traits. (Secondary only to your wicked sense of humor, which isn't relevant for this issue, so I'll not mention it.) But now you have encountered one who would - knowingly or otherwise - take advantage of your kindness. She drains you, and you have reached a point where you realize that this is a serious situation and not likely to resolve on its own. Something must be done. Yet your good manners inhibit you from saying what you really feel, and your empathy cautions you against possibly hurting someone who is already struggling with issues. So you are frustrated and upset.

Perhaps it will help to re-frame the issue.

Consider the Reality: Would you want to think you were friends with someone who secretly couldn't stand you, and was nice to you only out of guilt? Someone who screams every time she hangs up the phone with you, because she finds you so annoying? Would you want to hang out with someone if you knew that she resented every minute of your time together, and your very presence caused her blood pressure to elevate? Probably not. So please understand that you are actually helping her by removing her from an unhealthy relationship that she wouldn't want to be in if she had a clear awareness of its reality. Understanding this should help to neutralize guilt in the process and make it easier to take action.

And more importantly...

Remove Yourself From the Equation: If due to guilt you have a hard time removing her from your life in order to protect and nurture your own well-being, then don't do it for you. Do it for your children. This "friend" is causing you a great deal of stress. This stress is unhealthy and you will consciously or subconscioulsy take it out on your family. Your friend is indirectly hurting your kids by giving them a frustrated and stressed out mommy. You want to be the best mommy you can be for your kids, right? Then you need to protect your children from her influence. If anyone else was harming your children in any way, you would put a stop to it immediately. This is no different. The relationship needs to end. Your kids come first.

I know you will come up with the right words at the right time. But if it were me, I might send her an email and say, "I just wanted to let you know that some things have come up in my life and I need to take time to myself to deal with them. I'm afraid I can't be much of a friend right now as I must to direct my energy in other directions. Thank you for being understanding and respectful of my need for time alone." And after that fair warning you have the right to completely ignore her.

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck.