Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He's Single

[undeterred]

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In light of a broken engagement two years ago, area school-bus driver and longtime conspiracy enthusiast Robert Ericsson outlined an intricate theory to reporters Tuesday to explain his failure to begin a new relationship.

"I am alone today due to the covert machinations of dozens, possibly hundreds of women in several countries," Ericsson, 38, said. "What we are looking at is a plot of epic proportions, which may seem counterintuitive, but that is, in fact, precisely what they would like you to believe."

Ericsson said he began to suspect a "hidden hand" at work during the months following his 2004 breakup with then-fiancée Sara Osborne, when potential dates routinely refused to return his calls or e-mails.

Ericsson cites a comprehensive archive of past-girlfriend-related historical evidence that he has collected over the past 10 years. Ericsson, considered the top Robert Ericsson romantic-failure expert in the country, has spent years studying the hundreds of letters, photographs, receipts, gifts, and videotapes of himself with former girlfriends, looking for a common pattern.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46228



I wonder if this will get moved to the 911 forum. :P

[Deja Q]

1. Y'all can rest assured on this one.

That dude ain't me.

[skygazer]

2. Personally, I think it's the sweater

But what do I know?

[GinaMaria]

3. Damn. He's on to us!

Better start the phone calls on the every woman in the world emergency phone tree.

[baldguy]

4. He's almost right