How much fighting do you think is acceptable in a relationship?

[Pushed To The Left]

Poll question: How much fighting do you think is acceptable in a relationship?

[Blue-Jay]

1. We don't fight much.

As a matter of fact, "fight" is too strong of a word for what we almost never do.

[SOteric]

2. In a healthy relationship, disagreement occurs and sometimes

we hurt one another. It's a fact of life. But that doesn't require 'fighting,' per se.

Certainly, disagreement should never be physical nor should it involve intentionally hurtful and humiliating epithets. If you and your SO are not able to settle your differences without physical or verbal violence, or comfortably hold differing opinions in various matters, any amount of conflict might not be particularly healthy.

If you can agree to disagree and work out your disagreements in constructive ways, then it really doesn't matter how often you disagree.

[Rowdyboy]

8. I've always heard that, but if its true, my relationship is not healthy...

We've been together 17 years and we just don't fight. Maybe two or three times in all those years we've been mildly estranged for an hour of so, but we just don't fight. We both are "peacemakers" with similar value systems and many shared interests. I basically fell in love with my best friend and he fell in love with me.

We do have mock "put-down" sessions for the amusement of our friends. We both have sharp tongues and are quick on our feet so it sounds pretty rough sometimes.

[LeftyMom]

3. It's okay to have disagreements

What's not healthy is taking them personally and getting angry or hurt. For that matter, bottling disagreements up isn't healthy either.

Talking stuff out in as calm a manner as one can manage is ideal, but I don't think the occasional argument is a huge cause for concern.

[tjwmason]

4. Depends on the relationship.

Some thrive on the fight/make-up, in others each fight weakens the bond of the relationship.

[trof]

5. Could you define "fighting"?

Physical assault?
Zero.

Verbal assault?
Zero.

Disagreements?
Arguments?
As few as possible.
Live and let live and cut a LOT of slack.

[Nikia]

6. Not sure, but I definietly handle it poorly

I grew up in a household where my mother constantly verbally fought, first with my father, and then with every other romantic partner she had. She almost always got very mean and insulting. Sometimes she even threw things.
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. Her parents fought much like her but not very often comparatively, probably only about 15-30 minutes per day. My fathers parents never fought in front of children, their own or anyone else's.
I have always tried to avoid confrontation because I was always afraid of it for good reason. If my husband hurts me or tries to pick a fight with me, I usually go silent. He doesn't like that because it was his father's way of dealing with confrontation so he usually digs into me. At this point, I usually end up saying lots of nasty stuff and start crying because of how frustrated I get. I'd rather not fight at all so I don't know how to handle it if he does.
If we fight at all, since it usually follows this pattern, it is bad because I usually end up dwelling on it all day at work the next day and don't drop it even if we had seemed to resolve the conflict. I don't know what to do about this. It makes me want to leave him sometimes and never get involved with a romantic relationship again.

[LynzM]

10. Hugs, Nikia

I have a similar situation, but with my dad. He and my mom would fight, he'd pick her arguments to death, and I'd leave. For years and years. Hence I learned my only coping mechanism: leaving. Doesn't work well when actual problems need to be actually addressed in constructive ways. Sigh. Took me a long time to work on un-learning that. I still get a lot of anxiety from dealing with conflict.

I'm sorry that you guys are having a hard time figuring out how to deal with fighting with each other. Have you talked to anyone outside of your relationship about it? I know it's cliche, but sometimes someone who is removed from the relationship is able to give good advice to each person on how to change their responses, make the communication better and less 'fight-like' :hug:

[Jamastiene]

7. Arguments are expected to happen quite a bit, but

not for over the first couple of yearrs. After that, maybe once a month or so. Physical fighting shouldn't happen though. And certainly not emotional abuse either. It's all in context. Again, mutual arguments or discussions are to be expected, but enough is enough when it comes to bickering all the time.

[politicat]

9. Depends on the relationship.

My partner and I don't fight. I think we have had one disagreement a year in the 6 we've been together. And those were disagreements, not arguments.

In my previous relationship, we had healthy arguments on a regular basis, and those were not the reason we split. (He was polyamorous, I am not, but we didn't argue about that. That split was far more reasonable in terms of reasons to split.)

I think it matters more the comfort level of both parties: if you're comfortable with the occasional bicker, that's fine.

[LynzM]

11. I think it depends on the relationship

Physical fighting? None.
Emotional abuse? None.

But other than that, I think it depends on the couple and how they work. For me, no amount of actual fighting is ok. Disagreement and long discussion, some stupid passive-agressiveness, sure. More than that, I don't deal well with. I'm lucky to have found a husband who is the same way. So that works for us. We lived with two couples in the past year whom we are friends with though. Both couples fought much more than we ever do, and one on a near-constant-bickering basis. It seems they thrive on it. I can't understand it, but somehow it seems to work for them. :shrug:

[5thGenDemocrat]

12. My experience: Eight to ten rounds, max

Been married twice.
John
Lost both on decision.

[BlueIris]

13. If a relationship makes your life HARDER and not easier, it's bad.

It's not worth keeping. It's not possible to make it worth keeping.

No one gets along all the time, not friends and not couples, but people get into relationships to lighten the load of life a little, and make each individual's life better. If it doesn't make it better--if it makes it so hard to function that you're not just stressed, you're miserable[/i}, as often evidenced by too many fights? Get out. It isn't working and not in a way that can be repaired. Go to therapy to figure why you even considered putting up with that shit, and find someone you're compatible with.

[Xipe Totec]

14. By definition, as much as you possibly can handle

Beyond that, you split.