Argh! Guilt trip!

[supernova]

First off, I'm in the process of reevaluating my spirituality, so I'm slowing backing away from my current church. The people are very nice, it's not a matter of me not liking them. More to do with wanting something more in line with my theology at this time.

Anyway, one of the matrons, OK, THE MATRON, calls me just now "I've been missing you at church...." She's just one of those sweet old ladies you'd rather :hug: than dissapoint. And she was a good friend of my mother's.

Argh! I caved. I'll be there on Sunday. :P

*banging my head against the desk*

[noamnety]

1. If you don't want to go, don't go

That's pretty simple. You don't owe it to your mother's sweet old friend to go to a church that makes you uncomfortable.

If you want to be extra ettiquetty, call her in a day or two, let her know you can't make it afterall, but you're touched she missed you and if she wants to get together for a cup of coffee, you'd be honored. If she misses your company, and you miss hers, nothing's stopping you from getting together from time to time. If she's trying to guilt you into attending church, that's beyond what I consider polite.

My husband's church keeps attendance records, and they call if he misses a certain number of services. It's just an administrative act they go through, it's not really a personal thing, but I hate getting those calls.

[supernova]

2. Well, you're correct on on level

but I see it as a bit complicated.

Even if I wind up at another place, say the Quaker Meeting House, I'd still like to visit on occasion. And I do feel that, since these are the people who helped raise me, I do owe them a kind of explination for my nonappearance. This is something I haven't done yet. I haven't thought of a graceful way to say "goodbye."

[Dangerously Amused]

3. Attendance records?

Oh, I would HATE that! It would feel like such a control thing. And also like, "Why weren't you here putting something in the collection plate last week?"

But maybe I am just projecting attitudes I've observed in other churches.

[supernova]

4. We count attendence

every week; it's part of usher duties. But it's not a guilt thing. It's for statistical purposes for the regional governing body.

[Dangerously Amused]

5. I can understand that, it seems reasonable

...to want to know how many people attend in a given week, for any number of legitimate business reasons. But lwfern was saying that the church calls you if you miss a certain number of services, and that is the part I wouldn't like.

[supernova]

7. That would irk me to, DA

And to be truthful, this call was a version of that. It's a small church and since everyone knows everyone else, absences are obvious. But if I told her why, she would understand. She just wants people to be happy, whatever that means to them.

[elshiva]

6. If you don't want to go, don't go because

it's not about pleasing other people. Church-going is just one of the many
avenues to communing with God and other people, it's not supposed to be a guilt
trip. It's a means to an end, not an end in itself. Only God, creation, and loving other people is
in end in itself.

Don't feel guilty. Don't listen to guilt. Because if you are being truly called to something new
and wonderful in your spiritual life you don't want to cling to the wreckage so to speak.

:hug:

[supernova]

8. What a lovely post! Thank you. elshiva

:hug:

You're right about this:

Church-going is just one of the many avenues to communing with God and other people

Like I said, I just haven't though of a way to say goodbye yet.

[elshiva]

9. You are welcome!

:hug:
That's ok. It may take a while to say goodbye.
Do you think you want to join another denomination and/or religion?
Just asking because if you do, you can always say, "God's calling me to be..."
:shrug: Just thinking. Feel free to pm me.
:hug:

[noamnety]

10. How to say goodbye

If you're going for the honest approach, "I'm taking a break from the church" is pretty clear, and shouldn't be a personal insult to her.

I told my husband's family over Thanksgiving that I quit being part of his church. I just blurted it out, when they asked how orchestra was going. And I told them why - a particular sermon was offensive to me (the anti-human rights sermon), and I didn't feel I could be part of it anymore. The conversation was amazingly just fine. I wasn't insulting to them or their faith, and I feel better now that it's out in the open.