Anyone have any good Bush jokes?

[baby_bear]

A friend just sent me two rather nasty (typical Republican) Hillary jokes. I'd like to send something back in response.

Any suggestions?

thanks
s_m

[mac56]

1. A favorite

In light of all the speculation about George W. Bush’s intelligence, the Republicans decide to hold a “Bush Is Smart” rally. Eighty thousand enthusiastic Republicans pack the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium, which features marching bands, military color guards, cheerleaders, drum squads, and prominent Republicans from across the country.

Dick Cheney kicks off the festivities by saying, “We are all here today to prove to the world that George W. Bush is a smart man. So, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce your President, George W. Bush.”

After the cheers die down and the marching band stops playing Cheney says, “Mr. President, we’re going to prove to the world once and for all that you are indeed smart. So tell us: what is fifteen plus fifteen?”

Bush scrunches up his face and concentrates real hard for a moment, and then declares, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. But not for long: soon the eighty thousand Republicans start chanting, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Cheney says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting eighty thousand of you fine Republicans in one place, I guess we can do that.” He turns to Bush and asks, “What is five plus five?”

After nearly thirty seconds of chin rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks, “Ninety?”

Cheney, quite perplexed, looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone in the stadium is just as disheartened.

But once again the eighty thousand Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Cheney, in a sweat and not sure whether he’s doing more harm than good, says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance -- What is two plus two?”

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute proudly announces, “Four.”

There’s a moment of total silence. Then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All eighty thousand Republicans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet, and create a deafening roar:

“GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!”

[mac56]

2. Another favorite

A Marine was in the infirmary with most of his bones broken. His Colonel stopped in to visit, and to find out what happened.

“Well,” explained the Marine, “the Sarge said we should use psychological warfare. He said we should yell insults to the Iraqis about Saddam Hussein, and when they stand up in anger, shoot ‘em. Well, I did that. I was in my bunker and I yelled out, ‘Saddam Hussein is an evil tyrant, a killer, and a no-good scoundrel’.”

“So this Iraqi soldier answered back. He yelled, ‘George W. Bush is a coward, a hypocrite, and a thief’.”

“We were shaking hands in the middle of the road when a tank ran us over.”

[omshanti]

3. Bush and Powell are out to lunch at a restaurant.

The perky cute young waitress comes up and asks to take their order.
Powell looks at the menu and says "I'll have the grilled chicken salad"
The waitress turns to Bush and asks what he would like.
Bush looks at the waitress and says "Well, young lady, I'll have a quickie"
The waitress goes red, dashes water in Bush's face and stomps away.

Powell turns to Bush and says
"Um, sir.... I believe it's pronounced 'quiche'"

[Rainbowreflect]

7. My friend gave me a birthday card with that joke on it earlier this year.

After reading it, my mom & brother went out and bought all of those cards the store had left.

[Sting]

4. Ok............here's a great one!

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

[HawkerHurricane]

5. Bush was talking with Queen Elizabeth.

And asked her how she chose her advisors.

She told him "It's simple, I pick people for thier intelligence."

"But how do you know they are intellegent?"

"Watch and learn", the Queen said, calling over Tony Blair.
"Mr. Blair, your mother has a child. It's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
PM Blair answered "Why, your majesty, that would be me."

Bush was impressed, and decided to try it on Dick Cheney.

"Dick", Bush said, "Your mother has a child. It's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
And Cheney answered, "Let me get back to you on that."

And Cheney went to Colin Powell, and asked him: "Your mother has a child. It's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

And Colin answered, "Why, it's me!"

And Cheney went to Bush and said, "I have the answer, it's Colin Powell!"
And Bush said "No, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

[mac56]

6. More of a Republican joke

A young teacher with obvious conservative tendencies explains to her class that she is a Republican. She asks the kids if any of them are Republicans too. Not really knowing what Republicans are but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands popped up into the air, and they shouted out,”Me! Me!”

There is, however, one exception. A young girl named Lucy sat quietly with her hands on her desk. The teacher asks why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Republican."

“Really?” asks the teacher. "What are you?"

"I'm a Democrat."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Democrat.

"Well, I was raised to believe in equality and equity, and in ensuring the common welfare. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I am a Democrat."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?"

Lucy paused and smiled. "Then," she says, "I'd be a Republican."

[Sting]

8. Another good one!

Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

[Demeter]

9. Thanks Everybody! I needed that!

Because with the people trying to burn their AARP cards (and failing) there just isn't much to laugh about.

[Bronco69]

10. George and Pickles are supposed to be having a

state dinner when Pickles walks in the oval office and says "George I really don't want to go to this dinner. Do you think it would be ok if I just stay home?" George says, "now Pickles, you are the first lady* and it's very important that you be there." Pickles says, "please George, I'll do anything to stay home from that dinner." So George says, "ok, if you perform oral sex on me you won't have to go." Pickles agrees and begins performing oral sex on him when all of a sudden she says, "oh George, that tastes like sh*t!!" George says, "yeah I know, Dick Cheney didn't want to go either!"

[moz4prez]

11. One fine afternoon

George Bush calls up Dick Cheney from the oval office. "Dick, you gotta help me with this jigsaw puzzle, it's really tough."

"What's it supposed to look like when it's completed?"

"A tiger, Dick. It's a tiger."

"Alright, alright. I'll see what I can do."

So cheney arrives a little later, and Bush shows him the puzzle pieces spread over his desk. Cheney splays the pieces about, heaves a sigh, and pats Bush on the back. "George, you need to learn to relax. Do you want to go out for milkshakes?"

"Sure!"

"It'll be my treat. But first you have to clean up these Frosted Flakes, okay?"

[mac56]

12. Dubya was strolling up Pennsylvania Avenue one day -

and saw a young boy sitting on the grass, tending to a basketful of kittens. He stopped, leaned over to admire them, and said, "What cute little kitties!"

"Yup," replied the little boy, "and they're Republicans too."

Dubya chuckled, patted the little boy on the head, and resumed his walk. The next day, he again walked on Pennsylvania Avenue, this time with Dick Cheney. He spotted the little boy and his basketful of kittens.

Dubya said, "Dick, come over here and listen to this." The two approached the little boy, and Dubya said, "Still got those kittens?"

"Yup," replied the little boy, "but now they're Democrats."

Dubya was crestfallen. "Democrats? But yesterday they were Republicans!"

The little boy replied, "Today their eyes are open."

[TXlib]

13. * is on a visit to Spain.

After taking an a bullfight, he is strolling down a small street and sees a cafe with a sign, "Special Today: Cojones del Toro"

* says, "Hey, them there's prairie oysters! I'd like some of those!"

The waiter repplies, "I'm so sorry, senor, but we only serve them once a day, after the bullfight. But if you come back tomorrow, I'll make sure they're reserved specially for you."

So, * returns the following day. After wolfing down the delicacy, * remarks, "Heh, everything's bigger in Texas! Those prairie oysters were much smaller than I remember!"

The waiter responds, "Si, senor, sometimes the bull, he wins!"

[baby_bear]

14. Thanks, everyone!!

There are some good ones here!

:7

s_m

[baby_bear]

15. I'll add one of my own that I found on-line (it's long)

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot and killed by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republicans in these parts, and the same goes for you. "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature perfect 72 degrees.

In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years... Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background,Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain,faces and hands black with grime. The Devil come over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and drank and ate caviar... I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time.

Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."