Ladies rejoice! Your dateless nights are over--Dr. Phil has a new book out

[jane_pippin]

While it's called "Date Smart: Find the One You Want, Fix the One You Got," my friend believes it should be called "Dr.Phil's Guide to Dating Dr. Phil."

Either way, here's the cover and below are a few of my favorite gems from the horse's ass...I mean mouth itself:


http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743272099/qid=1134055406/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-0135587-8637557?n=507846&s=books&v=glance

From the "self-assessment" portion at the beginning of the book in which we are to take inventory of ourselves and think about important issues like this one from page 62:
"Here's what I've got versus what he wants"

From the "Many Faces of Desperation" section in which we learn how not to look desperate. Among signs of desperation lies this nugget of wisdom found on page 80:
"Sign you're desperate--You're an independent woman"

Now that we know ourselves, we can learn about men. What better way to start than with the basics--understanding "man speak." For example, pages 129-130 offer a helpful chart with chuckle worthy translations like:
"He says 'You're Beautiful.' He means 'Thanks for not wearing a bra."
"He says 'Is that a new dress?' He means 'Great, how much did that cost me?"
"He says 'Would you like another glass of wine?' He means 'Drink up, we'll both look better."

You can translate 'guy' now. But what kind of guy would be right for you? Rest assured there's a section describing such guy types as Needy Neds, Greedy Gekkos, Human Minefields, and of course, the Sex God. Dr. Phil provides this useful reminder to us when it comes to dealing with the sex god type of guy: "Did I mention that sex is really important to men? Well let me say it again because it cannot be stressed enough."

And finally, this heading from page 155 reminds us that we need to think of men as we would think of an appliance:
"Getting the Most Out of Your Male"

If you'd like to learn more about how to focus on getting dates rather than focus on the deafening sound of your biological clock tick tick tickin' away (Phil makes a lot of references to our obsession with our biological clocks throughout his masterpiece), head out and pick up this piece of shit book today.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. That's funny...

I thought that when I said "You're beautiful" that I meant "You're beautiful"... :shrug:

[jane_pippin]

3. See, now so did I, but turns out we were both wrong.

We're learning together thanks to Phil. He truly is a king among men.

[Arkana]

2. Oh, wonderful.

I'm so glad that the pompous windbag that is Dr. Phil can tell all the women in the world that all men are scumbags and never say what they mean. Thank God for him. :sarcasm:

[jane_pippin]

4. When I was flipping through it, I did not get the impression that he was

saying all men are scumbags. Rather, he was saying some men are scumbags so stay away from them. (Apparently the man speak translations are acceptable to phil as actual man speak. :eyes: )

I found that most of the advice was to help women make themselves appealing to men. You know, all that "He likes sports. You don't. What should you do? Why, read up on sports madam! It's on you!"
(that wasn't from the book, just an example to show what I'm getting at.)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. Or find a man who is already interested in the same things that

you are.

I avoid sports fanatics (the kind that order the Sports Pack on cable) because I've found them to be boring macho jerks.

[jane_pippin]

11. No, silly. That would make SENSE. And we can't have that. n/t

[Skittles]

28. they are juvenile

extremely juvenlile

[LostinVA]

20. He actually usually says kinda the opposite

He usually blames women for most stuff. He started out only doing that a little. But the last year or so? Man! And he's even lately uncovered his homophobic side, too...

[eyesroll]

5. Eeew...

Don't tell me this is another book that says that men love sex, and we as women need to just get on our backs/knees and do our duty (because lord knows we can't possibly enjoy it too).

I must be dating the most transparent guy in the entire world...because when he means "thanks for not wearing a bra," he'll just come out and say it. (Or, at least, say "you're beautiful" while very obviously and deliberately smirking and staring at my lack of bra.)

[jane_pippin]

10. From what I saw while flipping through and holding back the urge to puke

it seems like it's less about sex itself and more about the whole package. You know, a guide for ladies to make themselves more dateable and/or desireable to the average guy because really, it's all on us. It's our job to mold ourselves (within the parameters of our "authentic selves" of course) into the bubbly, well dressed, attentive yet non-nagging mates men need to succeed.

Hold on a second



:puke:

[victim]

31. Shit...

I'll deliberately smirk and stare at your lack of a bra if thats what you like. We can be a Dr Phil couple!

[LeftyMom]

6. Why not just find a man who says what he means?

Hell, most of them do, men tend to be a bit less complicated than women.

For that matter all it usually takes to get a decent guy to be honest is to let him know (and demonstrate, especially if he's been wounded before) that you really will let him finish whatever he has to say without criticism.

[jane_pippin]

13. And devastate the relationship book industry? What are you,

some kind of independent woman or something? For shame!

I don't know if I live in a bubble or what. I agree with you--most men, most women too, pretty much tend to be themselves and have no need for the insipid babble spewing out of Phil and his ilk. But the damn things sell like hotcakes for some reason. I don't get it. Who are these people he's describing? I don't believe they exist.

[LeftyMom]

25. I don't get it either.

But then again, I prefer to be *really* direct and appreciate that quality in others.

Then again, I've never bought a single self-help book in my life. I don't need to, my mother's singlehandedly kept the industry profitable for years.

[Hugin]

7. "Drink up, we'll both look better."

Hmm... I wonder why I never tried that line?

[jane_pippin]

16. Uh....'cuz you aren't a know it all pig on the tee vee?

Just a guess though.

Plus, if you've ever offered a lady more wine, according to Phil you have tried it.

[terrya]

9. Dr. Phil talking about sex.

Here comes breakfast. :puke:

[MsAnthropy]

12. What a pig that guy is

He's not exactly a good representation of the gender he claims to be speaking for. I know men and he's no man.

[samplegirl]

14. If i have to resort to Dr. Phil on how to

get a man.......I'd rather stay happily alone.

[peekaloo]

15. Wow, advice from a talking penis!

:woohoo:

[Initech]

17. Why is he still on every single freaking channel on TV?

Every time I see that fat ass I just want to lose my lunch... :puke:

[ghostsofgiants]

18. Could this guy be any more of a douche?

[LostinVA]

19. God, I hate that man...

His sexist, borderline misogynistic mindset makes me bonkers...


Make that TWO mistakes Oprah's made:

1.) Having Arnuld on her show, and

2.) Unleashing Dr. Shill onto the word.

[Beaverhausen]

21. His book "Relationship Rescue" helped me a lot last year

and in fact helped me to rescue a relationship.

His advice and philosophy might not work for everyone, but it does work for some people.

[jane_pippin]

23. Well, I can't stand the guy but I'm glad you were able to find the help

you needed. :toast:

[nini]

22. 'Great, how much did that cost me?""???????

WTF???? Hello, we're still having the MAN take care of us?

What fucking decade is he living in?


ugh..



:puke:

[jane_pippin]

24. Yeah, that one's real cute isn't it?

Because my boyfriend pays for ALL of my clothes (except the bras, see, because not wearing them means I'm beautiful to him so I'm on my own there. Oooh, except being on my own would make me an independent woman therefore a desperate woman...oh shit. Now I need to buy his book.)


Ok wait. :puke:


That's better.

[RevCheesehead]

26. ROFLOL!

:rofl: Jane, you are a scream!

Dr. Phil might (and I do mean "might") have a few valid points to make... but it's so awash with that homespun shit that it's hard to hear what he's saying.

I've never had trouble understanding men. I find them to be pretty much who they are. Some are jerks, but easy to spot. Some may be lacking in certain emotional areas - but hey, same for us too, right?

And some - meaning most of the men on DU - are absolutely wonderful, smart, caring, fun-loving, and damned sexy men.

:bounce::bounce: <---and that's with the bra, thank you very much. :P

[jane_pippin]

29. Exactly! Whatever good things he has to say, I miss thanks to his

goofy bullshit that makes me get all ornery. In fact, I don't even know what he has to say that might be useful or appealing because I'm too busy being mad at him for those bra comments. (Seriously! WHERE in the world that came from I'll never know, but if Dr. Phil ever tells me he thinks I'm beautiful I'm running the other way with my arms crossed over my chest.)

And, as an aside, I wonder if Oprah--uber independent woman that she is--knows that her pudgy protege thinks that makes her desperate? And, what does that make Stedman? I'm so confused.

[Skittles]

27. that man is a certified creep

*SHUDDER*

[gkhouston]

30. OMG, this sounds like a complete piece of crap

independent women are desperate? Does this mean that dependent women aren't? Is that not the most convoluted reasoning ever? And apparently men (and only men) are capable of thinking about nothing but sex on a near-constant basis?

Why do I get the feeling that reading this book would teach me almost nothing about "getting a man" (happy with the one I've got, thanks) but a lot more than I really want to know about Dr. Phil's hangups?

[Kickin_Donkey]

32. Wasn't all this in "The Rules"?

The doc's about 15 years late. But then again, I'm a guy -- so I didn't follow it too closely.