Gah! My son is only 3 years old, and I've already ruined him!!!

[4_Legs_Good]

:cry:

Apparently he's not being included in the main boy (male) circle at pre-school. He used to be rather popular, but maybe I haven't been "masculine" enough with him.

That sounds SOOOOOOOOO weird to say. I'm totally not into sports, I hate guns, we're vegetarians, I (Sorry, I know it's not popular these days) dispise the military (though not the people in it) and would do anything to keep him out of it, I try to discourage fighting and encourage a love of nature.

I think maybe I've gone too far, and I should nurture a bit more of the "masculine" things in life - sports, etc., and when he's old enough I'm all over Karate and stuff like that.

I love who he is, absolutely, but I don't want him to be excluded and be unhappy.

Hmmmm...

david

[bigwillq]

1. Used to be very popular???

When? When he was 1?

Let the kids figure out who he's going to be on his own. Don't force him to be apart of any kind of group unless he wants to be.

He's only 3!


I'm sure you are raising him well. Don't stess out too much over whether or not he's popular.

[4_Legs_Good]

2. I know, I know

It's a small daycare, though. And some of the kids who were previously his friends, are kinda excluding him now.

Of course I want him to grow up to be who he's going to be on his own, I just don't want to limit him, I guess.

I'm sure all parents stress about stuff like this. I just hate to see him sad. :(

david

[bigwillq]

3. Is he sad?

I'm sure there's others in the day care besides his "previous" friends. Tell him it's o.k. to play with the other kids and make new friends.

[4_Legs_Good]

7. Yeah, he does get kinda sad about it

and, of course there are others he can play with, but I can imagine it sucks to be exlcuded from a group you were previously in.

Anyway, I'm sure he'll survive.

david

[bigwillq]

12. Oh, that's awful that he's sad.

:( He'll get himself into another group, you'll see. If he did it once, he can do it again.

One question---Does he need to go to this pre-school, I mean, does he go there when you're at work or when his mother (if she's in the picture, I don't know. Don't want to assume anything) goes to work? or do you just send him there on your own?

[4_Legs_Good]

14. The preschool is great.

His mom and I are still happily married and he has a "normal" home life with one new brother (6 months).

Anyway, it's a very good preschool and I don't want to change it, he gets support there, and the main "teacher" is aware of the problem and trying to help iron things out.

He's there most of the day while his mom is at work (I have an hour/way commute, so she drops him off at 7:30ish and picks him up at 4PM.

david

[bigwillq]

17. Thanks for clearing up

a few things. I'm wasn't trying to recommend you changing schools, I think that could do more harm. I was just wondering if he had to go to pre-school becuase you guys or one of you worked or if you sent him there even though (but not in this case) that one of you was a stay at home parent.

[4_Legs_Good]

18. He actually really likes pre-school

and I think he would be bored to death if he had to hang around with us all day. I know some stay at home parents who are whizzes with their kids and can keep them entertained and educated on their own. I don't know that either of us are like that. We can keep them active over the weekend, but I don't know that we could do it every day.

Most of his friends in life are at daycare, actually. He has a cousin and a neighbor and maybe one or two other kids he sees once in a while, but most of his friends are from school.

Anwyay, thanks again for the concern and the good advice!

david

[uppityperson]

9. This is normal.

Part of getting a bit of age, even at 3, is figuring out that you can exclude people. Hey, this gives you power over someone when you are barely able to poop on your own. Don't worry, it's normal. Friendship groups change, they fluctuate. He'll be sad, then make other friends, or his previous group will let him back in. I hate to see my child sad too, but this is part of life. And it is very normal for a group of 3 yr olds.

[4_Legs_Good]

11. Thanks! That makes a lot of sense

First time parent is all. It's hard to see someone you love soooo much feel any pain that could somehow be avoided.

david

[uppityperson]

15. having 3 kids together is a bad number

that way they ALWAYS get to exclude someone. 2 is good, 4 is ok, 3 is bad. And this is an interesting age. Wait 'til teenagehood, sigh. It is hard to watch our kids go through stuff. Can be very difficult. Good luck and don't fret too much.

[bliss_eternal]

16. It's hard to tell with kids so young--

they are learning everyday. Part of their learning is exploring--their environment, toys, people, other kids. What seem like exclusion (to our adult minds),may just be them exploring something different.

Kind of the way you see kids go from one toy to the next when they are little. They are exploring how things work, what they do, how they interact with it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you are a great parent. :hug:

[4_Legs_Good]

19. That makes a lot of sense

And I guess some of it is a personal blow to me because, conceited as I am, I think we're very good parents, and being a parent has been the best thing EVER, so it's hard to think that maybe I'm doing something horribly wrong.

Aside from what I let him eat! Now that is a problem, the kid is addicted to Kraft macaroni and cheese. Aye yay yay!

david

[bliss_eternal]

20. It's only natural

that you would take it personally--as a parent. But seriously, at this point in his development, don't. As long as he is interacting at pre-school (with toys, blocks, other kids, his teachers) he's fine.

Unless his teachers express concern, and at that age, just about anything they do is a good thing and pretty normal, so I can't imagine that his teachers would be concerned about anything.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

4. Let him be himself. Does he like sports? Encourage him. I think

you should encourage his "masculine side." As far as:

"I try to discourage fighting and encourage a love of nature."

That's fine but, is he allowed to defend himself?

[4_Legs_Good]

5. He doesn't really seem to like sports much

but he hasn't had too much exposure to them. Maybe I should throw ball with him more and that kinda thing.

Of course he can defend himself, and he does play fight sometimes, but I just try to give fighting a negative connotation particularly when he watches it on TV - that type of thing. Does that make sense?

This all seems so weird.

david

[Crazy Guggenheim]

8. It makes sense. Try to get him some other friends.

On Edit:

I just don't want the kid to have "therapy stories" later on in life.

[4_Legs_Good]

13. That's really what I'm concerned about

I want to instill a dislike of violence at a fundamental level, but not some sort of ultra pacifism where he can't defend himself either verbally, emotionally, or physically.

Like I said, the day he's old enough to get into Karate school, I want him in. I think, beyond self-defense, martial arts can teach a kid a lot.

That and he'll be able to kick the bully's ass.

david

[Shine]

6. Don't beat yourself up too much, he's only 3 ,fer chrissakes!

I'm sure you're doing a great job.

My son was never into anything of that sporty stuff and has turned out just fine. He's gonna be 12 next month. He's more into the artsy stuff: acting, performing magic, playing the drums... Believe me, I tried, in the early years to get him into sports and the more common boy activities and he just wasn't interested. You can't force it.

To point is, your son needs to find his own way and learning how to fit in is a very important developmental step that you can't do for him.

Just make sure he knows from you that you accept him, NO MATTER WHAT. That foundation of acceptance will help him build self-esteem, confidence in himself, no matter where he is.

am reading a very cool book that I recommend to all my friends who are parents of boys. It's called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of our Boys". Excellent stuff, I can't say enough wonderful things about this book. It really speaks to the unique challenges of raising sons in today's modern world. Check it out!

Good luck. As parents, we need to remember to be as compassionate with OURSELVES as we are with our children.

All the best,
Shine
:hi:

[4_Legs_Good]

10. Thanks Shine!

I'll look into the book. And thanks for all the other good advice.

I think both the wife and I are taking this a bit hard because it's the first time he's really had social issues - well other than that he used to bite other kids...

Thanks again!

david

[warrior1]

21. What Shine said

He's only 3.

[xmas74]

22. Martial arts is a good idea for either boys or girls.

It teaches them discipline and gives them a cool skill to brag about to the other kids(and kids like to be the star).
It doesn't have to be masculine but let him get involved in something that he can be proud of or that other kids in his preschool are involved in. Look into some sort of organized sport in his area. Ask the other parents what sports their children are in. And don't think of it as win/lose-think of it as cooperation skills, teamwork and physical fitness.
This is the time of year to find out about basketball leagues(and in my area they start at age 3). He'll be able to play w/ other kids, learn hand/eye coordination, get some great exercise and will have something to talk about w/ the other kids. Plus, in many areas, he will get a tshirt and a medal or ribbon that he can show off to other people. He'll gain a sense of accomplishment.
As to your role-take him to practice and be there for him. Let him know that, no matter how he does, you are still proud of him for trying. You don't have to know anything about a sport to do that.
And take lots of pictures.