I found my stepfather dead on the toilet seat

[Spirochete]

early this morning. I've been living here and taking care of him since my mother died in 2000. He was 89, and had been getting weaker and weaker lately. I can't help thinking I should have done a better job taking care of him. He had come down with a cough last night, and I told him if he still had it this morning, I was going to take him to the hospital again. He agreed with that, but I should have insisted more firmly upon takin him last night. The rest of my family is on their way here now. God, this is sad. :cry:

[MissHoneychurch]

1. I am so sorry

my condolences.

It doesn't sound like you could have done more than you did. 89 is quite an age.

:hug:

[Book Lover]

2. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!

What a terrible discovery. I"m glad your family is on their way. :hug:

[yvr girl]

3. I'm so sorry

:hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

4. I am very sorry to hear this

Sometimes it's hard to get them to the hospital and know when it's an emergent situation. May he rest in peace and may you find peace in the care you did give him. You are a great person for ensuring he did not die alone.

[BlondieK143]

5. Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry for your loss!

My thought and prayers to you and your family. :hug:

[arwalden]

6. Sorry To Hear The Sad News...

I'll be thinking about you today.

- Allen

[MADem]

7. You poor thing, so sorry

It's harder on the person who stays than the one who goes. Don't berate yourself, you were there for him, and it was his time.

[MrScorpio]

8. I'm so sorry

My heartfelt condolences go out to you and yours

[Midlodemocrat]

9. I'm so sorry.

I am sure that you did the very best by your stepfather. If you are this sad, you obviously treated him well and you should be proud of that. Your mom would be proud of you as well.

Take care. Loss is very, very hard.

:hug:

[oneighty]

10. Do not blame yourself

I am sorry for your loss.

180

[TNDemo]

11. Don't subject yourself to the syndrome of

"I should haves" and "what ifs." I have a real problem with this after caring for mother, grandmother and father-in-law (I had lots of help with the latter two) with Alzheimer's. It really is giving yourself far too much power. It is like saying "I have the power of life and death, of knowing what the future holds so I can prevent death, etc." Focus on what you DID do - you took care of an aging stepfather. What a great thing you did! And if he died that quickly, there is nothing anyone could have done. It was his time to go and at 89 he had a lot of years to be grateful for. And I imagine he was very grateful he married your mother and got you in the process.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

What a shock for you!

:hug:

I'm sure you did all you could. In fact, you did a lot more than most people would have done.

Mourn, but don't beat yourself up over this.

[lavenderdiva]

12. I am so sorry....

Do you have someone there with you now? Are you OK? I am so sorry for your losses... :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[0007]

13. My condolences - At least he didn't have to spent time in a nursing home.

[sui generis]

heart goes out to you

a couple of good things -

1. he knew you were taking care of him and he probably knew his time was near no matter what you did

2. he got to be at home instead of in a hospital with wires and tubes everywhere

So it's not a bad ending - at home, with family. Here's wishing you some strength and serenity for the next few days.

-sui

[salin]

14. I am so very, very sorry

to hear this. It sounds like it was a very quick progression - and probably the only difference was whether he would die at home (in familiar and warm surroundings), or at a hospital.

I would venture to bet that your being there for the last five years, with him, has been a great comfort. Please focus on that time together and what that has meant, rather than be eaten up by guilt for something that you could not have foreseen.

:hugs: Glad that your family is on the way.

[meegbear]

15. It is not your fault ...

No one knows when the time will come. You both agreed to go this morning and his time came before you could go. That's all.

You've been his caretaker since 2000 and your caring helped him make to this point. You should feel good knowing you helped him during his final days.

Gods speed and a big hug from all of us here for what you're done for him. :grouphug:

[kedrys]

16. I am so very sorry

Condolences to you and your family. :hug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

17. Take care.

I'm so sorry that you lost him. It's really hard to think of yourself in times of sorrow, but do not forget to take care of yourself. Get something to eat. Take a moment for yourself.

It sounds like you've been giving for a long time. Do not beat yourself up over regrets, when you've been there everyday for five years.

:grouphug:

[I aint Miss Behaving]

18. I'm sorry to hear that.

I have heard it is quite common with older men though.

[Mrs_Beastman]

19. I'm so sorry

remember we are here for you!:hug: :grouphug:

[DulceDecorum]

20. PLEASE do NOT blame yourself.

All of us have to go at some time,
and there is really nothing that can be done about that.

The first time I saw a human pass on, I was in hospital with him and nurses were coming in and out and then he heaved a sigh and that was it.
If he had gone at home there was nothing I could have done.
In a top-notch hospital with all that equipment and highly trained personnel scurrying around,
there was NOTHING they could do.

So PLEASE,
I beg you,
do NOT blame yourself.
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/380400.html

I almost drove myself crazy trying to come up with things I could have done to prevent that but I am telling here and now, after all this time,
I can't think of one damn thing.
The problem was internal and it was simply his time to go.

[auntAgonist]

21. Please

accept my deepest heartfelt condolences. How very sad for you and your family.

:hug:

[babylonsister]

22. My heartfelt condolences, VancSouthpaw.

It sounds like you were a good caregiver to have been doing so for 5 years, so don't beat yourself up. Hugs to you. :hug:

[sundog]

23. take care vs

sorry :(

[bobthedrummer]

24. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

:hug:

[Lars39]

25. I'm so sorry, VancSouthpaw.

:hug:

[izzie]

26. 89 he lived a good long life

Why do we always feel we should have done more. I recall my sister felt ill and we laughed about it and the next day I felt it was time she saw a doctor. She said after she did something she had to do and she just died. So every one felt bad we had not made her go to see the doctor even if she always did as she liked.I think it is because they are gone and we are still here.

[LibraLiz1973]

27. Do not blame yourself. In fact

I would wager he would have preferred to pass peacefully at home as opposed to in the hospital with tubes & the like. It was his time to go- now he is at peace. 89 is a fantastic life span!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Floogeldy]

28. Hang in there, buddy

It was just his time. You're a good man for helping him. You didn't do anything wrong.

God bless you.

[JimmyJazz]

29. I am so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

Please accept my condolences.

[Bossy Monkey]

30. Not your fault. He was 89. You did good to get him that far.

Don't beat yourself up; give yourself credit. All condolences to you and your family.

[Misunderestimator]

31. So very sorry, but please don't put any blame on yourself...

You couldn't have been able to predict this from a cough. :hug:

[DrDebug]

32. I'm sorry to hear that

I know that the circumstances sound strange, but it means that he passed without much pain. And don't blame yourself for it, because you couldn't have known.

Much strength and sympathy to you and your family.

[gardenista]

33. You have taken care of him for five years.

This is not your fault. He was 89 years old, and I'm sure, thanks to you in a large part, lived a good life.

I'm very sorry to hear this happened, but he is not suffering any more. I hope you get the comfort and support you need and deserve from your family.

May he rest in peace.

[Bunny]

34. Oh gosh I'm so sorry.

My condolences on your loss. :hug:

[tjdee]

35. Sorry to hear this. You did good by him.

I hope you don't blame yourself--and I hope you will receive some comfort from the family.

My thoughts go out to all of you.

[fluffernutter]

36. you are a good person.

my condolences to you :hug:

[NorthernSpy]

37. I'm sorry for your loss, VancSouthpaw

My condolences to you.

[HEyHEY]

38. Jeez I wish I could say something to comfort you, but I know there's...

Nothing that could ease such unfortunate events.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Spirochete]

39. Thank you, everyone

You're all so wonderful. No wonder I like it here. I feel like I have thousands of friends.
I'm still waiting for people to arrive here. None of my family has gotten here yet. I hope they're all right. Wish they'd get here. I'm sitting all alone in the house both my parents have died in, and it's starting to get to me. How's the saying go - "absent voices - present all around"? It's sort of like that.
Thanks for all the kind words. I'll be all right - it's just pretty rough right now.

[xultar]

40. I know it will be tough, but don't blame yourself. My thoughts and prayers

to you and your family.

[NewJeffCT]

41. I'm very sorry for your loss

Don't beat yourself up about not taking him to the hospital. Take care of yourself. You'll be in my thoughts.

[AwakeAtLast]

42. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

How horrible for you to find him like that! My sympathies to you and your family. May he rest in peace.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Lex]

43. So sorry to hear this.

No one knows when it is their time to go. You were good for caring for him, and it sounds like he led a good long life.

[Wapsie B]

44. I am so sorry.

My deepest sympathies to you and your family. Don't beat yourself up.

[henslee]

45. That's rough. And though it's only normal to beat yourself up for

not taking him in to hosital, don't. A one day cough does not (to me, anyway) seem like what would have done him in. It was a very nice thing to do -- to take care of the guy like you did after your mom passed. Sounds like she raised a good kid. Hang in there.

[crispini]

46. Wow.

:hug: Thoughts and prayers going your way.

[Left Is Write]

47. I am so sorry.

My condolences to you and your family on your loss.

Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

[amandae]

48. I'm so sorry!!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm so sorry about your step-father! It wasn't your fault though, it was just his time to go. You can't blame yourself ... you've been taking care of him for 5 years and I'm sure you were doing a great job. It was a wonderful thing that you did to take care of him yourself for all that time and not put him in a nursing home. Not that nursing homes are bad places, but I'm sure it meant a lot to him that you cared enough for him to want to care for him youself for all that time.

I'm so very sorry for your loss ... :hug:

[miss_kitty]

49. That's too bad

It was very good of you to take care of him. He probably really appreciated it-more than you know.

My condolences

[UrbScotty]

50. Many hugsfor you and your family.

:hug:

[Evergreen Emerald]

51. I hope your family has arrived by now...

...it is tough to be alone in that situation. Hang in there.

[Swede]

52. Best wishes to you and yours.

May your stepdad rest in peace.

[enigmatic]

53. I just saw this; I'm so sorry...

[BigMcLargehuge]

54. please accept the condolences of the McLargehuge family

:hug:

[lala_rawraw]

55. Dear god... you okay?

Do you have someone to stay with?

[MuseRider]

56. Not your fault.

I am so sorry to hear this, it is always so hard. You were living there and caring for him so I am certain he knew that you cared about him. What more can anyone of us ask for? How were you to ever know that this would happen? It probably had nothing to do with his cough at all. Please take care of yourself, you were doing such a kind thing. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts to you and your family.