Husband makes cheating wife pay for time spent raising lover's child

[emad]

May 03, 2005

Husband makes cheating wife pay for time spent raising lover's child
From Adam Sage in Paris
Times

A FRENCHMAN has won a ground-breaking ruling against his former wife and her lover, ordering them to pay back the money that he had spent on bringing up a child he had mistakenly assumed to be his own.

The man, named as G in the ruling, was awarded €23,000 (£15,600) after a DNA test revealed that he was not the father of the 13-year-old child, Astrid.

He had raised her as his own daughter, paying for her food, clothing, toys, schoolbooks and holidays, the Caen Appeal Court in Normandy said. It added that his former wife, B, from Cherbourg, had always had doubts about the identity of Astrid’s father: she was unsure whether it was her husband or her lover.

The judges said that she had committed a “fault” by failing to tell her husband that she had been having an affair at the time of the conception and that she did not know whose daughter Astrid was.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3-1595494,00.html

[LiberallyInclined]

1. i think that if every family in the U.S. was DNA tested-

there would be A LOT of surprised "dads"...I've heard estimates as high as 10%, regarding families that have at least one child who was not fathered by the 'father'. It does help keep variety in the gene pool.

[emad]

2. Maybe some surprised Moms too?

[TlalocW]

5. There's been at least one case though

Where the dad did find out, and the judge basically told him, "Tough luck, you're going to be the dad."

TlalocW

[LiberallyInclined]

6. sooner or later, the laws are going to have to catch up with technology...

personally, I go back and forth- it doesn't seem right that a guy should be compelled to support a child that is not his biologically(unless he has adopted the child, obviously)...I'm just glad that I decided to go the vasectomy route early on- it's extremely liberating.

[TlalocW]

51. Same here

I think I got mine 3 or 4 years ago. No kiddies for me.

TlalocW

[Debi]

8. More than one

and I've seen several where child support was paid and later 'dad' found out he wasn't 'daddy' and the real dad didn't have to reimburse the $$.

Messed up.

[Bok_Tukalo]

10. Yep

I can think of few worse decisions made by a modern Court than that one.

[Hugin]

3. What's the biggie...

I've raised several kids... None of them my own.

But, then I knew it.

[redqueen]

39. I think the disclosure is key.

It's fraud, otherwise.

[BikeWriter]

4. Whoa... I'd pitch a fit, too.

[Bok_Tukalo]

7. Doesn't really matter in the US

The Court doesn't care.

[Debi]

9. Correct, see above n/t

[Bok_Tukalo]

11. Males in family court are second class citizens

<ope>

[Debi]

13. Okay, I won't agree with that

because that is quite a large blanket. But I will agree that non-placement parents are not looked upon as kindly as the parent that the child lives with. This is not always the male.

But when one man raises another man's child as his own and then, in the middle of it all is told "oops, sorry" and recieves no reimbursement. That I disagree with!

[Bok_Tukalo]

15. Reimbursement?

He is compelled to continue supporting the child in the US even if he has divorced the mother.

[Debi]

22. That sucks

Does the Court (or mom) not know the biological father?

[Bok_Tukalo]

25. They know

The Court didn't care. It was found out accidentally after the divorce and the support was already in place. The not-father went back to the Court and said he was being compelled to pay child support for someone else's child. The Court said "too bad."

[Debi]

28. You are correct, that is just wrong.

bio-dad should have to pay (and pay back not-dad) for doing the job he was supposed to do.

[redqueen]

41. While you're correct about these circumstances,

and I agree that it's 100% wrong, I still wouldn't go so far as to say males are 2nd class citizens in family court. I would have agreed years ago when women were automatically assumed to be the best parent to ward primary custody to. Now, though, not so much.

[BikeWriter]

46. True, in the U.S. once he's named the father, that's it.

[Worst Username Ever]

12. That poor child....

I can't imagine what that would feel like, especially with all the other crap that runs through the head of a 13 yr old. :-(

[Left Is Write]

17. That was my first thought too.

[Bridget Burke]

14. Some day he will be old & alone.

And Astrid will be free of any obligation towards the old fart.

Yes, his wife was wrong to be unfaithful. But the cuckold spent 13 years as father to a child & all she means to him is the money he spent. I can see why his wife was tempted to look elsewhere for affection.

[Bok_Tukalo]

16. Yes. Of course. It's the man's fault that his wife was unfaithful.

And lied to him about the child.

Incredible.

[tjdee]

19. It's about the child, not the woman.

If this guy considers this girl his daughter, and loves her, how horrible it is for the DAUGHTER for him to be like--"You're not mine? I'll be wanting back all that braces money, the pony ride money, the Christmas present money..." After 13 years, that's all she was to him?

And this guy still wants permission to see this girl (according to the article)? What the hell is that? Shouldn't he forfeit all access since he wants all his money back? What a jerk!

He's just trying to get back at her mother (and has, since he won). She is also a jerk.

[Bok_Tukalo]

20. Yes it is horrible and obscene what the mother did

but somehow, it's the not-dad who is to blame for puting the child into this situation? I'm sorry. I just don't see it.

[tjdee]

21. He sued for reimbursement and damages, that's why.

Not-dad should have chalked it up to life experience, and said "I got a great kid out of it" (as my edit above says, Astrid was still living with him until ordered not to).

But no. He sued for the monies and "psychological" damage because of this. The psych damages I'd agree with, but the entirety of his support, no way.

But he still wants to see Astrid though. So if they go out for pizza, is he going to expect her to bring her own money? What a jerk.

[Bok_Tukalo]

23. Still nothing about the mother

You expect the not-dad to pay for her gross actions and behavior. And if he doesn't take responsibility for the consequences of the mother's actions, he's the jerk?

[Book Lover]

26. Why is he not-dad?

Where I come from, it's not who you fuck but who you take care of that determines family. If the daughter and the ex-husband are not family, then fine, have the ex-wife pay him for his wasted time if that's what he wants and the courts determine is legal and just. But then fuck visitation. After all, he's not her dad.

[redqueen]

43. Agreed - "family" means more than shared genes. n/t

[tjdee]

29. I think the mother was horribly wrong.

My opinion of her is IMHO irrelevant to whether I think he should be entitled to all this money. But I agree with you--she made a huge mistake and this guy has had to deal with it. I am in favor of some kind of psych/emotional damages, I think.

However--this is not like she crashed his car. This is a a teenaged girl whom he has loved for 13 years, still expects to see, and who presumably loves him like a father.

If he gets all the money back, he should forfeit all contact and all access. Unfortunately, this kid loves him (presumably) and that can't happen. Therefore, as I said before, I think he should give up the reimbursement dough in favor of the ongoing father/daughter relationship he wants. That would be my solution.

[Pithlet]

33. If the man who I considered my father growing up

started referring to himself as the non-dad, and wanted all his money refunded, I'd be devastated. The mother is an asshole, and shouldn't have done it. But, while he may technically be entitled to the money, I think fighting for it says a lot. If he still thinks of her as his daughter, then he should let it go. I want to emphasize before I get accused of being anti-male: I think that legally he should be entitled to it. But I can't help it. It's not the child's fault, and if he wants to consider HER feelings, he should forgo it.

He was her father. Not her "not-dad". Sperm does not a father make. Knowledge years after the fact that it wasn't your sperm doesn't automatically make that relationship go away.

[Bok_Tukalo]

34. "The mother is an asshole, and shouldn't have done it."

Asshole? I'ld be hard pressed to think of anything worse a woman could do to her husband and child. Monster would be more accurate.

But not-dad is the bad guy?

[Pithlet]

40. If he pushes this, then yes.

I think that anyone who would automatically consider a child they raised not-theirs because of information come to light years after the fact, is a doing a bad thing. The child is THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of the whole thing. It is not that child's fault. Believe me. It would devestate the child to know that the person they thought of as their parent put a price on that relationshiop. Count on it.

[petronius]

44. 'Not-dad' is ALSO a bad guy

The mother is truly scummy, but the guy is definitely not taking the high road here. It's a tale of two dirtbags and one innocent victim...

I agree with Pithlet: 'not-dad' should be legally entitled to compensation, but what is legal is not always moral and right. The fact that he values money and the opportunity to stick it to the ex-wife over the feelings of a 13 year old who depends on him does not do him any credit.

[Bok_Tukalo]

48. No. It is the tale of ONE dirtbag and two innocent victims

Do not equate the father petitioning the Court with a very real grievance with the actions of the mother. That is absurd.

[Pithlet]

50. The father is indeed an innocent victim

But if any parent suddenly stops viewing the child they raised as not their own because they found out they weren't genetically related, and demanded monetary compensation, then I'm sorry, I would wonder about that. I think that is wrong. If that is the tact he's going to take because of his victimhood, then I think he is wrong. Because he is affecting the other victim in this. His daughter. Yes, his daughter. He should still think of her as such after all these years. Being a victim doesn't necessarily entitle you to take actions that would directly and negatively affect other inocent parties.

[Pithlet]

49. Right. Legal and moral are two different things.

I can't imagine any parent breaking down the relationship with their child in terms of genes and compensation. Even if they're legally entitled to do so. Because I'm a mother I can be reletively sure of my children's parantage, but if through some freak accident it turns out I found out they weren't, they would be no less my children. I wouldn't regret a single dime I ever spent on them. I would be pissed as hell at whoever intentionally deceived me, and wouldn't rule out pressing charges. But I wouldn't complain about the moey I spent. And, I would not refer to myself as the not-mother.

[Swede]

24. This is one time of having your cake and eating it too that I agree with.

He can love this child and punish the mother,and that's okay.

[Debi]

27. And the biological father

should just say thanks for financially, physically and emotionally raising my child for 13 years. I'll take over now....oh, could you send a few bucks my way for old times' sake?

biological dad and mom should be splitting this bill 50/50 and Astrid should be pissed at them.

[tjdee]

30. Then not-dad shouldn't be able to see her.

This guy is trying to get it all back. Sorry, impossible.
Unless he severs all contact with this kid. Which he does not want to do (and the kid, presumably).

As I said, I would be in favor of emotional/psychological damages, but that is not the totality of what is being awarded.

[Bok_Tukalo]

31. "Astrid should be pissed at them."

Damn right she should be. Enraged.

Reminds me of the Pearl Jam song.

"Son, she said, have I got a little story for you
What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a...
While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen
Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we
talked..."

[tjdee]

32. Mom thought Astrid was his, though...

If I'm reading the article correctly, the mother was unsure who the father was at the time of conception. So it wasn't so much that she deliberately said gee, I'll raise my lover's kid as my husband's. It was more being too lazy/whatever to have a test done.

The test could have just as easily been revealed that notdad WAS her dad.

This why you don't cheat on your spouse...sigh.

And yes, I am following you around. :silly:

[Bok_Tukalo]

35. I didn't even notice you were following me

How cool.

I think I may be bowing out of this one. I believe I think a little differently than most and feel that a woman is just as responsible for her actions as is a man and it's a little unfair to a man to make him somehow responsible for both in a relationship.

[NashVegas]

45. 15k Euros Is Nada, Unless These Are Slum People

Do you really think that little money (less than 30k dollars, IIRC) is enough to compensate the time spent raising the child and her expenses?

This settlement is a pittance, merely for show, IMO. More like emotional suffering damages than anything.

[jukes]

18. excellent point!

was Astrid a good daughter? did she love her "father"?

putting a 13 YO girl through this type of circus is obscene.

[democracyindanger]

37. Try reading the article

The court ordered the girl to move in with her mother and biological father--the guy who thought he was the father won the right to continue to see the girl, AT HIS REQUEST.

Geez.

[redqueen]

42. Some people value money more than anything else, even family.

I suppose the bright side is the kid is learning this lesson very early.

[WI_DEM]

36. For 13 years he thought this child was his

I think in many ways he is the father rather than the sperm-donator and I hope he continues to have (if he has had) a loving relationship with that poor child.

[Book Lover]

38. How can there be any basis for a loving relationship

when all he sees is wasted euros when he looks at her?

[BikeWriter]

47. I have raised three step-children...

one seldom sees her sperm donor. The other two never do.