Married People, Seperate Bedrooms?

[Allenberg]

Alright, so the wife and I are moving into a two-bedroom apartment here in three weeks. I floated the idea of using seperate bedrooms. We currently are using a military issued full-sized bed, and neither of us really sleep well considering its size. Not to mention, that I like to work shiftwork, and she's strictly a 9-5er. I like to watch television before I fall asleep and I wake up early. She likes it pitch black, wake up late. She's really anal retentive about having a bed made, and before I got married, I made my bed roughly four times a year. (I lived in barracks and had quarterly room inspections.)

So, to alleviate all these issues, I suggested that we each use our own bedroom and own bed. Much to my surprise, she's all for it. She said that she'd be willing to do it if she got the master bedroom. I agreed, with the stipulation that I be allowed to decorate my room how I wanted, and she can decorate our master bedroom however she wanted, but without using too much pink.

We're pretty secure in our marriage (except for the whole having kids issue which we're working on), so this seems like a logical solution.

Is there anybody else who lives with a committed partner that has this type of setup?

EDITED twice FOR GRAMMAR. :(

[LynzM]

1. Not us, personally

But I've met other couples who do this and are much happier for it! It's all about what works for you guys in your relationship! :)

[radwriter0555]

2. I think so long as you commit to making sure your intimacy isn't set aside

where one waits for the other to make the first move, etc., that it indeed could work out.

With the lack of intimacy, you both need to make sure you don't become room-mates instead of husband and wife. You need to make sure the communication levels are bumped up a lot more, with far more conversation and direct dialogue.

And make sure you make dates with each other. Put the effort into keeping the intimate and emotional relationships alive, and it could work out all right.

[salinen]

3. Just be careful

My wife was all for seperate bedrooms for similar reasons. Later, after many problems, she scolded me for allowing us to sleep seperately.

[hickman1937]

4. Give it a try.

If it makes you guys happy go for it. If you end up missing each other in the middle of the night, then it's an easy fix.

[tjdee]

5. Sounds like a good solution...but still....

I assume that when you have...marital relations one of you will 'stay over' the night?

I would not do this, as it smacks of 'roomies' instead of 'married people'. But, I'm not married. When my own parents started sleeping in different rooms, I knew divorce was inevitable. And it was.

If it works for you guys, great. Everyone's different, and it may be a great solution.

(Ugh, maybe I shouldn't have replied, since I'm not married).

[Wapsie B]

15. Trust me on this one.

The roomie feeling has nothing to do with where you both sleep.

[Name removed]

6. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Allenberg]

8. Heh

I'm 24, and she's 25. Hardly older. :D

[Allenberg]

7. Our biggest reason for doing this

is the bulging disc in my lower spine. I tend to move alot on my sleep since i get uncomfortable pretty quickly. As far as the "having relations" goes, our marriage is pretty solid in that department. :)

[tammywammy]

9. My grandparents slept in separate bed rooms

My grandpa could wake up the dead with his snoring. I think sleeping separately kept them both happy.

[BOSSHOG]

10. I have a very comfortable other bedroom

well furnished, with wide screen TV. I sometimes get kicked out of our bedroom for my snoring. My wife gets up early to go to work so I find nothing wrong with our arrangement.

[Maestro]

11. Whaatever works.

Go for it. Love is can survive as long as you can have the occasional "sleep-over."

[bertha katzenengel]

12. Mrs. V. and I sleep in separate rooms because of my snoring.

We're both very uncomfortable with the situation but she would never get any rest if we slept together. It's been more than a year now. It makes me very sad, and I think about it every day -- it's not something I can just live with for the rest of my life.

I know what I have to do to stop snoring and it's a huge struggle. I've barely even begun.

OTOH, our marriage is fully secure. We're committed for life, love each other deeply, and sleeping in separate rooms can't change that.

[MollyStark]

33. buy her some ear plugs n/t

[bertha katzenengel]

34. She can't use them, Molly.

She's tried. I don't know what it is but they make her too uncomfortable.

[Aiptasia]

13. Sounds fine to me..

My parents still sleep in separate beds, but in the same room. Occasionally one or the other will sneak out for their guest bedroom. My mom snores and my dad is a light sleeper.

Of course, the guest bed is a king size poster bed, so no great hardship. I get to hear all about it when I visit though.

[Lars39]

14. I know of a couple, mid-forties, who have slept seperately

for about 16 yrs. He snores very loudly, so as soon as they built a big enough house,
she started sleeping in a spare bedroom.
He gets the masterbedroom. They are totally committed to each other.
Seperate bedrooms works for them.

[oneighty]

16. My wife lives

in the down stairs apartment. I live in the upstairs apartment.

It works really well.

180

[grace0418]

17. I snore and my husband is an insomniac.

If we sleep in the same room, neither of us gets any rest. So at night we both jump into his bed for awhile, cuddle, chat, do "whatever", then I say goodnight and go to my bed. The hard part is when we're on vacation. He brings earplugs and I sleep facing away from him, but his tossing and turning keeps me awake and I get very uncomfortable only sleeping on one side. Luckily we usually exhaust ourselves walking around when we're on vacation so eventually we get some sleep in spite of ourselves.

I don't see a problem with doing whatever feels comfortable for both of you.

[southlandshari]

20. I'm the insomniac, he's the snorer

in my household. The approach you describe works for us, too.

[grace0418]

21. Wow, it's kinda nice to hear so many people

do something similar. Normally whenever you hear anyone talk about it, it's in very hushed tones like it's something really bad. "You know, I heard they're sleeping in separate bedrooms. tsk."

[southlandshari]

26. Hushed tones - LOL!

You are so right! But to each his own, and our sleeping arrangements work for us. My husband would get no sleep if I slept in the bedroom - primarily because I don't sleep much myself - and vice versa. It's not so much his snoring that's bad, it is the TEETH GRINDING. Egads, poor thing. Being married to me must be quite stressful - I always wonder what he is dreaming about when that starts up.

Our bigger sleep arrangement issue is a five-year-old that wants to sleep with mommy all the time. Maybe I'm a bad mother, but there is many a night when I'm up late on DU and my daughter is snoring away on the floor at my feet. I just pick her up and take her to her room when I'm ready to call it a night, and either lay down beside her or go hit the couch. Our guest bedroom looks like something out of "Clean Sweep" - you know, the show where a crew carries out mountains of STUFF that have overtaken normal human habitat. I think there is a bed under there, but haven't seen it in at least a year!

:crazy:

[Left Is Write]

24. I'm also an insomniac married to a snorer.

We aren't currently in separate rooms, but I usually wind up bunking with a kid anyway.

[southlandshari]

27. Exactly

I don't have a seperate room, just tend to float on where I sleep night to night (within the walls of my own home, of course!)

;)

[Dervill Crow]

30. LOL - I usually slept on the couch when my older kids were teenagers

unless one of their friends had staked it out. I had to know everyone was in the house before I could get into a good sleep.

My kids remaining at home are nomads, too. I find them in the morning with their blankies sleeping on the heat registers in the front room or dining room, or on the couch, or on the loveseat. Sometimes friends are here, too. It is often challenging trying to figure out who is under which comforter or sleeping bag by looking at the top of the head, which is usually the only thing visible.

Crazy. At least their sleeping around only extends to within our house.

[Dervill Crow]

29. Oh man, that brings back memories.

I actually had the top bunk at times, and I had to use a super-duper flashlight to have adequate reading light because my itty-bitty booklight gets hot and I was scared I'd start a fire.

I'm so happy to have my own room now.

[China_cat]

18. We've done that now since 1995.

We've now been married 31 years total. At first it was because his bedroom was in Jacksonville and mine was in Charleston (because of his work, he came home on weekends) and then I got sick and I don't sleep well. An hour or 2 at a time with some stretches when I need to get up. It isn't fair to disturb his sleep.

Hasn't hurt us any since it was a mutual decision. I think the harm in separate beds or rooms comes when one party decides and the other doesn't really want to.

You'll be fine.

[Dervill Crow]

19. Yup, it works for us.

We had a scare last week when my daughter phoned and tearfully asked if she could move back in with us. Of course I said yes, but my mind was racing, thinking omigod, I have to give up my ROOM!

My hubby is 6'7", and I'm a bit on the fluffy side. He likes to sleep, and I tend toward insomnia and read in between naps at night. We both snore. It just works better with separate rooms. We get together on the weekends. We've been married for 31 years and have had separate rooms since the kids started moving out.

[Lars39]

22. Snap!

My husband's 6'7" also! Makes life interesting, doesn't it? :)

[Dervill Crow]

25. Yep, especially clothes and car shopping! eom

[Left Is Write]

23. I see nothing wrong with it at all.

Some people need their space. People with differing habits such as you have can be much more comfortable with their own rooms.

It does not mean the couple isn't committed, and it doesn't mean the marriage is doomed. There is no one "right" way for every marriage, and you have to weigh the benefits to your OWN relationship - not what someone else thinks based on theirs.

[Skittles]

28. I really dislike sleeping in a bed with someone

I just prefer to sleep alone, always have. I'm not married but if I was I think this would be an ideal solution. Plus I snore like a big dog. :D

[roguevalley]

31. lots of people do. my parents do for snoring. do what you want.

don't worry what others think.

[Allenberg]

32. Great advice all.

Thanks a ton. Yeah, it pretty much breaks down how you guys describe. We both like our space and since both our sleeping arrangements are totally different, this is something we're both looking forward to. Good deal. :D

[Lorien]

35. I know one couple who do

they got married in their mid-forties, so they were both fairly set in their ways. They simply felt that they would avoid conflicts about things like watching TV in bed, sleeping late, snoring etc. if they started out in seperate bedrooms. :shrug: