CNN Hurricane Coverage -- Hilarious! - Democratic Underground

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Thu Sep-18-03 10:07 AM
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CNN Hurricane Coverage -- Hilarious!

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/News/2003/09/18/195576.html

24-hour news channels await Isabel's arrival with baited breath
By GARY DUNFORD

SURF'S UP! "Hi, it's sleepybear Aaron Brown--hunkered down at CNN's Storm of the Century anchordesk! Hurricane Isabel roars towards us! Thank God we've stockpiled extra batteries and hairspray ... " "And I'm Paula Zahn, already tearful at the awful devastation to come. Everybody button up, stay away from windows, eat more protein. I see panic, I see flooding, oh the humanity
... "
"Easy Paula, don't peak too soon. Let's go to Wolf Blitzer, scared to death at Killdevil Hills on the endangered coast. Can you see Isabel yet, Wolf?"
"A terrible scene of anticipation, Aaron. Tiny waves here, cruel portent of a storm surge to come. Bright sunshine, handmaiden to Isabel's terrible fury."
"Wolf, it's me, Paula Zahn. Isn't it frightening to see such calm? When do we expect the entire Eastern seaboard to be swept away?"
"Living inland cannot protect you from CNN's awesome and continuing
coverage, Paula. Just look at this file footage of some other hurricane whose name I forget. Incredibly ugly. Whoa! My coat just blew open."
"Who's that man with a hammer behind you, Wolf?"
"That's Bob. Why won't you leave, Bob? Why won't you flee and allow this community to become a ghost town?"
"I've got work to do, Mr. Blitzer. I don't have all day to watch CNN
graphics."
"If you've just tuned in, I'm Aaron Brown with continuing CNN coverage of Isabel, the Evil One. I'm incredibly fearful. I hope you viewers are too."
"It's me -- Paula Zahn -- sitting next to you, Aaron. I've reached Official CNN Climate Terror Meteorologist Harlow Meek. He's standing in front of the big swirling animation we've been showing for days. Mr. Meek, will this be the most devastating hurricane ever?"
"Well, the hurricane is still a day away from the coast. I wouldn't want to use that word, Paula."
"Oh, go on. Devastating. Say it."
"Isabel still certainly has the potential to be devastating."
"Thank you. That's what we pay you for."
"Quickly, can we just bring in Anderson Cooper, who flew thru a lot of scary clouds and stuff earlier today on the Hurricane Express? Was this a storm tracking flight, Anderson? Did you fly thru the eye? Were you terrified?"
"It was a powerful lesson, Aaron. Nature's brute force. Very bumpy."
"Thanks so much. Financial markets are rightly fearful of this storm. Lou Dobbs at the Stock Exchange? Can you tell us? Are plywood futures up?"
"Yes, Aaron. Nails too. Insurance is down."
"The markets, already reeling from Isabel's awful power. Can we go back to our live shot of the storm surf? Aww. It'll get bigger, I promise you. Joining us now, CNN Military Analyst Griff Griffin. General: how can we be sure al-Qaida is not involved?"
"Well Aaron, to actually create a hurricane this big would require more than one million fans. We don't believe al-Qaida has more than 1,000. So this is probably a real hurricane. They occur naturally and often."

"General, it's Paula Zahn--across the table from you. How can viewers
protect themselves from being pounded senseless? Will this she-devil's storm surge reach to Toronto and Chicago? When should people shoot their neighbours and steal their food?"
"Not yet, Paula. Not til CNN says so. We'll probably have a map."
"Aaron again. The picture you're looking at is live, a flag flapping on a Sheraton somewhere. But on higher ground, CNN's Larry King is preparing tonight's show? Larry?"
"We've got a great panel tonight, Aaron. An amateur 11-year-old
meteorologist, a Gentile Provocateur from Club Med, the Mississippi psychic grandma who predicted this storm and a man who sells sand bags. Plus Angie Dickenson! And look who's here! Ah-nold Schwarzenegger!"

"Hel-lo Aaron. CNN frightened the airport so badly, my plane out was
canceled last night. But I yam here to tell you, I want to punch out dis storm. Hasta la vista, hurricane. Wit Larry, we terminate Isabel."
"You go, governor. That's at 9 p.m. Eastern, everybody. And Paula, you've got the latest results from the CNN Poll?"
"We asked people what scares them most. Hurricanes lead with 44%. Then come conservative talk shows with 31, pit bulls with 16. Surprisingly, only 9% said another hour of alarmist CNN coverage."
"Again I remind viewers , our poll is not scientific. We just do it to show you something."

"A viewing reminder, Aaron: On Newsnight, general Wesley Clark, who's coming out of retirement to fight this hurricane. And at midnight, an hour with Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham, blonde authors of Blowhards--a timely new bookthat claims liberals cause hurricanes."
"Don't get too comfortable, folks. Paula. I will be right back."
Voice of James Earl Jones: "This ... is CNN. Be very afraid."