Question for the DU Women

[Beer Snob-50]

If you could go back to when you were 15 or 16 for a second. How did you feel if a boy your age was blantly checking you out. Did it piss you off or embarrass you. Or was it a real boast to your ego?

The reason, this weekend my 14 yo son and I were at a joint boy/girl scout catholic retreat. At one point we were waiting in line for lunch when a young lady walked by. His eyes widened and he stopped talking and just stared at her as she walked by and continued staring until she walked out of site. I suggested that he not do so so blantly. When I mentioned this to my wife later, she said that she thought I was wrong. Just need more opinions.

[RollergirlVT]

1. I think..

that you are both right. You, for teaching your son good manners that will serve him well in the future, and she is probably correct that it is flattering for a girl of that age.

[Scout]

4. I wouldn't have found the particular reaction here, in opening post,

flattering. I would have thought "what a doofus, little boy, never seen a girl before?"

[Scout]

2. Ok to look, but don't stand there with your mouth open ogling

and drooling (just kiddding).

I understand full well that men and women enjoy observing a handsome specimen of the opposite sex ... but when done improperly or if comments are made, it is nasty, and made me feel, literally, like meat. (Three older men were walking behind me in a large parking lot, and I heard one of them say "Look at those hams" ... literally compared me to meat! If he had kept his damn mouth shut, they could have just continued to enjoy the view and I never would have known. But he had to make a comment, which while he may have meant it as a compliment did not feel at all complimentary to me.)

[Beer Snob-50]

Thankfully he didn't make any comments.

And he kept the drool to a minimum!!!

[Branjor]

3. Personally...

it pissed me off. Basically because he did it without my permission. One thing I hated was when people expected me to feel flattered by being ogled like a piece of meat.

[eyesroll]

5. I think discretion is a good idea.

For some people, it's an ego boost; for others, it's obnoxious. That said -- is a 14-year-old boy capable of doing things subtly?

For me -- I only got checked out by much older men (leeringfrom their cars at my friends and me, etc.). It was quite uncomfortable, as you can imagine.

Then again, I've been saying for awhile now, my inner child is a 15-year-old boy, and he has trouble with discretion as well. As a 29-year-old woman, however, I've found I can check out whoever I want, however blatantly I want, and nobody notices (since women do check each other out often in non-sexual ways anyhow, and the outward appearance is pretty well the same).

[Beer Snob-50]

6. I notice that often 45 yo men also have trouble

with descretion!!

[eyesroll]

7. 45-year-old married men with their wives on the other side of the

convention hall do indeed have trouble with discretion. :eyes:

Seriously -- every woman under 35 in my industry gets hit on at least twice a trade show by married men.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

9. What is your birthday?

[CornField]

8. Women have a slime-o-meter, even at 15

My personal opinion is that you did the right thing. Even if he was staring with open appreciation at the girl (no slime involved), he shouldn't be willing to give the girl that much power over him. Tact is never a bad thing for a young person to learn.

[Beer Snob-50]

10. that was my reaction.

learn some tact. i suggested to him also that he could ask her to dance that night at the dance they had planned. but they cancelled it for star wars, "the empire strikes back"

[rvgwinn]

11. Ah, come on..

Teenagers are teenagers. You used to be one, weren't you? That is a big part of problems, everything is so dissected today. Also, there is evolution, thats why male and female exist! He's suppose to be attracted to her.

[Beer Snob-50]

12. no problem with him being attracted to her!

i just thught he should show her a little respect. now he should have talked to her at some point. but he was just to shy to so such a thing. plus, god forbid your friends see you do something like that.

[LWolf]

13. I think it depends.

It's natural for teens to be attracted; to notice, and to want to be noticed.

Culturally, I'd like to see America value respectful appreciation. And I'd like us to teach our girls and boys to know the difference. Checking her out is fine; it can be done subtly. It doesn't have to be accompanied by facial expression, body language, whistles, cat calls, remarks, etc..

And there needs to be clear understanding that there is more to every girl than sexual attraction; she's a real person, with a brain, a sense of humor, ideas, opinions, non-sexual skills, etc., and her worth as a human being doesn't depend on the physical vessel.

[tjdee]

14. I HATED it.

I used to be uncomfortable going outside for just this reason.
If a guy is that taken with my appearance, then maybe he should come talk to me like a person instead of acting like a dumbstruck neanderthal.

I think at that age, though, they're still learning how to interact with the opposite sex--good thing he's got a dad to tell him the right way to work it!

on edit--I basically agree with what LWolf said. It's a good feeling to know a guy is interested, but when they take it too far it isn't.

[Skittles]

16. same here

I always dressed modestly to avoid those leering looks

[amazona]

15. i absolutely hated it!

I didn't like it from boys my age, and I didn't like it from old perverts (old being 18 or 20 in some cases) either. But I may have been a weird girl, I liked to be the aggressor. I didn't want to be one of those girls who ended up having sex with whoever asked her instead of who I was interested in.

I don't care what anyone says, being obviously "checked out" is not an ego boost but an insult. It is saying you're cheap and don't need the subtle approach. Again...just my opinion but some teen-age girls are picky and get squicked out by obvious lack of control in a guy. Come to think of it, I don't especially appreciate being obviously "checked out" as a middle-aged lady either. At least pretend you think I'm good enough to command the respectful approach...

Anyway, I'm probably weird but for me it was
the shy guys who pretended not to look who caught my interest.

This is just an opinion and your son's mileage may vary.

[mairceridwen]

17. thank you

for reminding me of how no one ever admired how I looked when I was 15 or 16

-mct

[NashVegas]

18. If I Knew Then What I Know Now

I would have been flattered, IF the poor helpless creature in question at least had the shamelessness to smile and show he enjoyed what he was looking at.

At the time though, I would have been pissed / embarrassed, but that would have been mostly due to my own baggage.

[Phillycat]

19. Hard to say.

When I was 15/16, I definitely wanted boys to notice me, smile at me, etc. But I didn't want to be ogled, like looked up and down. Eye contact is good, body-checking-out not good. So it really depends on the individual situation. Sorry I couldn't be more specific. :shrug:

[demnan]

20. I think girls and women get used to being checked out

And there are the discreet checkerouters and the gapers. Of course the discreet checkerouters are more likely to be checked out in return. No woman or girl wants to be gaped at. Teach your son to discreetly check out the girls.

[Beer Snob-50]

21. that i hoped was my message to him

be discreet even go talk to them. He is unfortunatly, like his Father was, shy. I mean, talk to a girl! She is going to laugh at you and shoot down my ego!!!

[FunBobbyMucha]

22. Yeah, folks, but...

...is there no sympathy for being a dumbstruck 14 yo boy here? I remember on a couple of occasions running into girls so heartbreakingly beautiful that I locked-up like a computer. And that was before teenage girls were dressing like porn stars.

To this day, I occasionally see women so stunning that I just want to walk up and ask "What is it like to be perfect?" Even when there's nothing remotely sexual about the situation or the relationship (case in point, the little four-year-old girls in my son's daycare seem like heaven-sent little pixies to me, they're so pretty), sometimes's a guy, especially at 14, can run out of RAM.

I understand not wanting to be equated with sides of beef (exactly what part of your body is the "ham?"), and I have more shame for my gender than the average bear, particularly the knuckle-dragging date rapers, but sometimes the beauty of a woman does that to the best of us.

To paraphrase Rick James, "Testosterone's a hellava drug."

[NewJeffCT]

23. what I've noticed over the years

Is that when girls are younger - middle school, high school & college - and they get looked at a lot, they seem to not like it. I remember a girl from my high school that was rather busty and would only go on blind dates set up by female friends because she was so worried that any guy that asked her out was only interested in her chest. My ex-wife was also very busty and said one of the reasons she liked me at first was that I was the first guy she had met that didn't just stare at her chest or talk to her boobs.

However, once I reached my 30s, the college girls that didn't like me checking them out when I was in college didn't seem to mind as much when a 30 something year old guy was looking at them.

When women get older, they seem to not mind the appreciative looks as much. Again, just my observation.

That said, open-mouthed, tongue-hanging out leers are never appropriate.