Tell me a joke

[Glenda]

Doesn't even have to be a good one. :)

Glenda

[ps1074]

1. O K A Y

Husband and wife are standing in the kitchen. The husband grabs his cell phone goes up in the bedroom and dials up the house phone number.

His wife picks up the phone and he says "I love you. Can't wait to see you again." and hangs up.

Then he rushes downstairs and asks his wife: "Who was calling?"

Wife: "Oh, it was my sister"

:)

[Mr Bojangles]

2. Bad joke, ahoy!

So, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender leans over and says "Excuse me, sir, but you do realize that there's a ship's wheel sticking out of the front of your pants, right?"

The pirate looks at the bartender and says "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

*rimshot*

Thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress!

[Texasgal]

3. Okay...bad joke...

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks down and says " sorry, we don't serve your kind here"

So, the string walks outside, and ties himself up in a ball and frays the ends.

He heads back into the bar and orders a drink.

To which the bartender says " weren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The string replies " I'm a afraid knot"

BADA BADA BING!

[rock]

4. George W. Bush

Worse joke I know.

[jfalchion]

5. Brit joke

What did the bobby say to the three-headed man?










'ello, 'ello, 'ello?

[MisterP]

6. a woman-suckling muscleman becomes executive of the 5th-largest economy

the end

[MissAnnThrope]

7. Another Bad Joke

There's this woman who can't do a thing for herself. For the slightest problem, she calls her husband at work, who tells her what has to be done.

Finally, the one day, he tells her that he can't be interrupted at work or in meetings every time she has a problem, or something breaks around the house.

One day, he gets home from work and his wife is in a real mood. She's not saying anything, has the you-should-know-something-is-the-matter attitude.

He finally asks her what was wrong.

She tells him, the dishwasher broke that morning, but she took care of it. He tells her he's proud of her actually handling something and asks her how it went.

"Oh," she says, "I called Mr. Jones down the street, who does plumbing repairs. I took care of everything."

"How much did he charge?" her husband asks.

"Well, he told me I could either bake him one of my award winning peach pies, or I could have sex with him for payment."

Her husband asks, "What did he think of the peach pie?"

The wife responds, "Who the hell do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

[SmileyBoy]

8. Here's one that'll get your funny bone a-going:

A doctor, a lawyer and a cattleman were standing side-by-side using urinals at a public restroom.

The doctor finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of North Dakota Medical School, and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet and soaped his fingers, used the air-dry machine and commented, "I also graduated from the University of North Dakota, from the Law School. And they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cattleman zipped up his jeans, and he walked out the door to meet the doctor and lawyer said, "I graduated from the North Dakota State University of Ag Economics, and they taught us not to piss all over our hands."

[SmileyBoy]

9. Here's another one:

A man is standing in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of him is having her purchases rung up. The cashier rings up (among other things), three TV dinners, one apple, one orange, one lime, a box of plastic silverware, a microwaveable pie, a single-serving salad kit bag and a 4-ounce bag of chips.

The guy in line looks at her, seeing the food she's purchasing, and says to her, "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you're single, right?"

The lady says, "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. You knew that because of the food I'm buying, right?"

The guy says, "No, I knew that because you're fucking ugly."

[bluedeminredstate]

10. My Dad told me this

A woman has a new kind of face lift where they put a knob on the back of her head and when she starts getting saggy she turns it and it lifts her face. It prevents all kinds of incisions, swelling and bruising so it sounds great to her and she has it done.

After a while she goes back to her doctor and says, "This thing isn't working, I have these huge bags under my eyes."

The doctor answers, "Those aren't bags, they're your tits."

The woman then says, "Oh. That would explain the goatee..."

I laughed my ass off, but was horrified by my Dad's use of the word "tits." Nonetheless, I felt the need to tell it as I heard it.

[soundfury]

11. Conan O'Brien joke here

"Vice President Dick Cheney said the other day that if John Kerry is elected, we will face another attack. But he said if Bush wins, he'll call the attack off."


911 was a lie

[onecent]

12. Do you know the difference Between President Bush and

Hitler?


The Mustache

[grannylib]

13. Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. Bartender

says, "You can stay, just don't try to start anything."

[Meshuga]

14. That time of the month for Elephants

One female elephant invites the other female elephant to go swimming. The other elephant answers, "I can't. I'm having my period". The friend replies, "Silly girl, why don't you use a sheep?"

[Meshuga]

15. What's the female word for...

a peacock?



a Peacunt!

[NMDemDist2]

16. do you know why babies are so fragile?

they're only held together with one screw

(told to me by an angelic looking 7 year old girl in a bowling alley)

[OneBlueSky]

17. Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients . . .

and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with a patient and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the OTHER voice would bring him back to reality . . .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

"Bob, you're a veterinarian."

[OneBlueSky]

18. When the moon hits your eye

Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,
Is so full and so crammed,
That smore, eh.

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?

[OneBlueSky]

19. The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show

These questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. (Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and
ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can’t Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not; I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old.
Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

[Jokinomx]

20. A Mushroom goes walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender says..."We don't serve your kind in here!"

The Mushrooms says... "Why I'm a fungi"

[OneBlueSky]

21. G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.

So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"

So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"