Anyone here have a fightin' family?

[Robb]

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around an adult friend whose father drank a fair amount at a wedding and started punching her recently. And apparently this happens from time to time.

I couldn't believe my ears, out of the mouth of this intelligent person came "I started it," "I was riling him up," "It was my fault because _______."

Childhood trauma runs deep, I guess. No serious physical injuries took place, but still. I'm feeling inadequately prepared to assist, aside from the obvious moves. Anyone lived through this stuff and want to share a little sage advice?

[GOPisEvil]

1. Things like this make me glad my dad isn't a big drinker.

:crazy:

[MrScorpio]

2. We were all happy drunks

We only drank to party.

I could never figure out why people fought when they got drunk.

It must me a lot of unresolved animosity issues that rear their ugly heads whenever folks knock down a few brewskis.

[lojasmo]

3. My mom is an end-stage alcoholic

We really haven't spoken in 8 years, since my son was born. She really hasn't been PHYSICALLY abusive since I was a teenager, and could have cleaned her clock, but she's the most verbally abusive, and manipulative person I've ever met. I'm relieved that she's no longer in our lives.

[Darth_Kitten]

4. That's bloody ABUSE!!!!!!

:mad: Cripes, are there a lot of enablers in the family?

Sorry, I grew up in an alcoholic household.

Next time she should call the police and file charges. Period. That man needs help.

And she needs some counselling, why should she believe SHE of all people is responsible for being abused. :(

[Robb]

5. Nothing but enablers, far as I can tell

Seemingly classic situation, pilot dad phones every six months to say he's gonna be in town, daughter gets all excited, tells everyone how great dad is. Dad entertains the crowd with flyboy stories for the first several drinks, then all hell breaks loose as the evening comes to a close. Phone call to mom the next day, she blames daugher; sister agrees "you shouldn't-a gotten him all drunk and mad" etc. etc.

Reflects in her ended marriage, only he was a psychological manipulator that finally got her to go over the edge and pop him in the teeth, so he got her sent to the pokey over it.

And of course I want to single-handedly make all better, but at least I know I'm waaaaay out of my league, skill-set wise. Time to call in the pros, thinks Robb.

[Darth_Kitten]

6. Get her to Al-Anon or some counselling......

my heart goes out to her.... Don't let her be manipulated by this farce of a family....continue to be a good friend to her, God knows, she needs somebody SANE.

Drunk needs to be arrested.....I'm serious. Dead serious. Mr. Pilot ain't that funny........ That family is SICK and DYSFUNCTIONAL and it's the dad, the mom, and the sister who are continuing the pathetic cycle, but your friend can, NEEDS, to get help for herself. She has to be told that she's NOT the problem, her sick family IS.

it took me years to figure out the damage that the alcoholic cycle did to me.

Keep us posted. :hug:

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

7. Was this the daughter, the one who was beaten, who said "I started it?"

Pretty classic for abuser/abused dynamics, particularly in spousal abuse relationships. Typical for the abused (usually wife) to rationalize the beater's behavior by saying they caused it.

I guess it allows them to rationalize that the beater is not really the monster that they are, and to continue living in the relationship. The fact that a lot of people are economically "trapped" into the relationship contributes.

[NightTrain]

8. I grew up in one myself.

Among the prevalent diseases in my family: alcoholism, mental illness, racism, sexism, homophobia, and all-around emotional immaturity. That's why I haven't been in touch with any of my relatives since my father died in Jaunary 1998. In fact, now that I've moved, they couldn't get in touch with me if they tried! And I plan to keep it that way.

[SarahB]

9. Not really.

My family tends to bottle things up harboring deep resentments for years that they never deal with. Those of us who try to discuss things on an open and honest level in order to rationally work things out get to be scapegoated as "the overly emotional bad one" of the family. Not much I can do except just be myself and keep the contact to a minimal level I can tolerate and be civil, polite, and respectful. Some people simply can't handle more genuine, communicative relationships. I've stopped making it my problem.