Late night quips

[mac56]

Jay Leno: “The Republican National Convention got under way in New York last night. Or as the Democrats call it, ‘Fear factor.’”

Jay Leno: “Monday night's theme was courage. Tonight's theme was compassion. I believe Wednesday and Thursday's theme are gas and oil.”

Jay Leno: “After Rudy Giuliani's speech last night, they ran a video of Frank Sinatra singing New York, New York. Finally, the Republicans figured out a way to get big name celebrities at conventions -- get the dead ones.”

Jay Leno: “Michael Moore was at the Republican convention last night, covering it for USA Today. Is that really the most unbiased reporter USA Today could find?”

Jay Leno: “Security, very tight at the Republican convention. In fact, even the NRA people only allowed to bring one gun each.”

Jay Leno: “Over 800,000 New Yorkers left during the convention. Boy, Bush really knows how to clear a room, doesn't he?”

Jay Leno: “They raised the terror alert in New York to elevated. No New Yorkers leave. A threat by Al Qaeda to destroy our financial institutions. New Yorkers stand firm. Republicans come to town, ‘Let's get out of here!’”

Jay Leno: “Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney visited Ellis Island. For the younger kids, you know what Ellis Island is? Well, it's now considered an out-of-date immigration center. It's where foreigners would identify themselves, take medical exams and prove they were employable before they could enter the United States. Well, you see why it's out of date. We don't really do that anymore.”

David Letterman: “A lot of Republicans in the city, but don't worry, they will only be here until we're capable of self-rule.”

David Letterman: “Tonight's convention got off to a rousing start with the Log Cabin Republicans’ medley of Broadway show stoppers.”

David Letterman: Michael Moore “was at the Republican convention last night, which explains the extraordinarily tight security around the buffet.”

David Letterman: “President Bush was talking to Matt Lauer on the NBC Today Show. He's talking to Matt Lauer and he says, ‘We cannot win the war on terrorism.’ And then Matt Lauer started crying like a baby.”

David Letterman: “John Kerry, of course, yesterday went wind surfing because when you're in a statistical dead heat, it's time to kick back and relax.”

David Letterman: “It's been crazy here in New York City with the convention. We have had naked people in the streets. We've had...all-night parties. Arrests. Yeah. And that's just the Bush twins.”

Conan O’Brien: “The Secret Service tackled a man at Madison Square Garden because he was screaming profanities and running towards Vice President Dick Cheney's seat. Yeah. Afterwards, the Secret Service said they never realized Michael Moore could move so fast.”

Conan O’Brien: “Many people in Britain are upset because last night at the Republican convention, Rudy Giuliani compared President Bush to Winston Churchill. Not only that, President Bush was upset because he has no idea who Winston Churchill is.”

[underpants]

1. And then Matt Lauer started crying like a baby.”

hilarious

[Lavender Brown]

2. Would Frank Sinatra even be caught dead at the RNC?

Wasn't he a Democrat?

[mac56]

3. He was a Dem through most of his career

Big, big pals with JFK. Grieved very publicly after the assassination. Turned Repub much later, after Bobby dissed him. Rumored to have had an affair with Nancy Reagan.